By this point in your study of NotSorry, you’ve stopped giving a fuck about what other people think, developed excellent fuck-allocation skills, and created a robust list (and handy reference guide) of things you don’t give a fuck about, plus a manageable list of things you absolutely, 100 percent do give a fuck about.
Bravo!
Chances are, you’ve reclaimed hundreds of hours that you used to spend on those people and things you didn’t give a fuck about, and, if you’ve done it properly, you haven’t been fired and Gail from Marketing hasn’t burned your house down. You’ve sorted out your feelings about obligation, pub trivia, and Iceland. You’ve lost only those friends you didn’t really like anyway, and you’ve avoided making new ones you don’t need. Not only that, but you’ve probably become an even more honest, more polite person than you were when you started out—which is an excellent by-product, if I do say so myself.
You’re moving ever closer to that enlightened state of essential fuck-giving that I mentioned in part I. By putting your fucks in order, casting out those that annoy, and identifying the people and things that bring you the most pleasure and satisfaction, you’re living your best life.
Speaking of which, part IV even contains a list of fucks you probably should—and could—be giving now that you have all this time, energy, and money on your hands.
Fucks that could open up a whole new landscape of joy!
If you still need more convincing, please, by all means, keep reading…
In part III, I recommended that you envision your potential gains in order to make taking Step 2 a little easier. And assuming you went through with it—hurray!—it’s worth it now to quantify exactly what you have gained. I think you’ll find it quite satisfying and more than a little motivating.
As mentioned, the first thing people tend to get back when they put their fucks in order is TIME. Time to meditate quietly on the toilet instead of rushing to get on a conference call; time to cultivate that prizewinning fudge recipe on a Sunday afternoon instead of reading Moby-Dick for your book club (who picked that?); time to spend with a loved one instead of, well, time to spend with some random fuckers you don’t even like.
So what have you gained thus far in terms of time? Three hours? Ten minutes? One weekend a month? I smell a list coming on!
The second thing the NotSorry Method returns to you is ENERGY. That can be as simple as taking a blessed nap or as complex as conserving energy by not doing one activity—that CrossFit class you only signed up for because your friend pressured you into it—and then expending it on something you’d rather be doing, like finally cleaning out your car because it’s starting to smell like you imagine that lady from Goonies does.
ENERGY I HAVE GAINED BY NOT GIVING A FUCK
ACTIVITY
Example: Not getting wasted at Margarita Monday with coworkers
BENEFIT
The will to live on Tuesday
Last but not least is MONEY. As the American humorist and performer Will Rogers once said, “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people that they don’t like.” Sing it, sister!
And because money is so easily quantified, it is especially satisfying when you apply the NotSorry Method and it results in tangible financial gains. If you stopped giving a fuck about, say, designer clothes—in part because you’ve stopped giving a fuck about what other people think—you could stand to save hundreds or thousands of dollars in any given year. I know so many women, especially in cosmopolitan New York City, who feel pressured to fit in by way of overspending on name-brand labels when clothes at half the price would look good and make them perfectly happy.
Or say you’re a suburbanite who stopped giving a fuck about traveling every Sunday to your six-year-old nephew’s soccer games—let’s just say he’s unlikely to go pro and snag you free tickets to the 2034 World Cup. Not only are you saving time and energy, you’re saving gas money! That $2.50 a gallon really adds up, and Auntie needs a new pair of off-brand sunglasses.
MONEY I HAVE GAINED BY NOT GIVING A FUCK
ACTIVITY
Example: Not going to that Vegas bachelor party
BENEFIT
$1,000*
Yes, the path to enlightenment is paved with reclaimed hours, newfound verve, and cold hard cash.
But there’s more! What you may not have anticipated gaining from the simple act of not giving a fuck is an overall improvement to your physical and emotional health.
Think about it: You haven’t gained merely time, energy, and money—you’ve gained self-knowledge, confidence, and a childlike zest for life. Plus, you’ve saved yourself a lot of headaches. Literally. Not to mention heartburn, anxiety, and nausea. Remember that coworker karaoke party you skipped out on? Think of the hangover you could have had! You’d have been guzzling ’ritas all night just to keep from strangling Tim from IT with his own mic cord. The next morning would have been brutal, trust me.
But no fucks given? No fitful night’s sleep, no headache, no dry mouth during your morning presentation, no silently counting the minutes till you can take a covert nap under your desk at lunch, no crick in your neck from taking said nap… I mean, the rewards shown in the cost-benefit analysis here are undeniable.
You have more time to do what you really want to do after work (sit on the couch in your underwear eating Pop Tarts and watching Ultimate Ninja Warrior);
You have decided that watching Ninja Warrior is more pleasurable for you than singing karaoke with Tim from IT (and you have acted on that knowledge because you no longer give a fuck what Tim or anyone else thinks about your priorities);
You have more energy in the morning to put toward the necessary fuck-giving of shaving without hurting yourself (face, legs, or bikini line—hungover shaving is not to be trifled with);
And you have the money you’d have spent on tequila plus the late-night Domino’s order with which you would have attempted (inadequately) to soak up all that alcohol.
Yes, you’ll be whistling Dixie in the break room while your coworkers are taking uncomfortable naps under their desks. You’ll probably get a lot more done that day too, because they’ll be too hungover to bother you!
Consider the further exciting benefits to your body, mind, and soul that can be derived from simply not giving a fuck:
So many extraneous fucks lead to hangovers—we’ve discussed that in depth—but what about the ones that lead to actual physical injury?
I vividly remember a morning when I spent an extra ten minutes playing Words with Friends against my brother instead of leaving to catch my train. I knew I was cutting it close, but it made me so happy to totally annihilate him with ZAX on a triple word score before heading to the office.
Of course, when I made my way down to the platform, I saw the train about to pull out of the station. I ran (in heels—before I stopped giving a fuck about those) to catch it and missed it by inches, twisting an ankle in the process. I was sweaty and panting, rapidly swelling, and extremely pissed off.
As a result, I added “running to catch trains” to my list of Things I Don’t Give a Fuck About, and I’ve since saved myself a fortune in orthopedic work.
Mental decluttering is even better than physical decluttering because it doesn’t stop at the bounds of a ceiling or wall. The inside of your skull may still be filled with squishy gray matter, but those intangible planes of anxiety, worry, panic, and fear have been swept cleaner than a church before the pope’s visit. The mental-health benefits of not giving a fuck are vast and never-ending.
For example, just think what might happen, decades from now, if today you decide to stop giving a fuck about sitting through Sunday church services (Sorry, Pope) and instead dedicate that fuck to completing the Sunday Times crossword puzzle every week. Future you, not suffering from Alzheimer’s, is hugely appreciative! You just can’t buy that kind of peace of mind.
It’s about to get a little woo-woo here, but bear with me for a moment. Although not everyone puts stock in the traditional definition of the soul as some ethereal life force separate from our physical beings, I’d wager that most of us understand the concepts of “soul-crushing” or “soul-destroying” as they pertain to things that hurt us on a deep, cellular level. Not things that just crowd our calendars or sap our strength, but the kinds of activities or tasks or people that, we feel, place grave limitations on our very freedom. Yes, I realize I sound like Mel Gibson in Braveheart here.
Well, I contend that freedom is another word for soul and that by not giving a fuck to all the wrong things, and conserving your fucks for the ones that make you happy, you stand to gain the kind of freedom that some people might even describe as… dare I say… “soul-affirming.”
The NotSorry Method is largely concerned with the active giving or not giving of fucks. Even when you’ve decided not to give a fuck, Step 2 often requires some action on your part—declining an invitation, saying no to a meeting, explaining your latest personal policy. And then there are fucks you may decide to give instead, which consume time, energy, and money—albeit of the sort you’re happy to spend.
But there’s another way to not give a fuck that is actually quite passive and similarly transformative in both the short and long term. I equate this version of not giving a fuck to mentally repeating the phrase It’s just not worth it.
You may find it useful to pursue this technique when, for example, someone on the other side of a necessary transaction—such as a boss or a cable company—is being a real asshole or supremely incompetent but there’s nothing you can do about it. I mean, you could explode, causing high blood pressure, risking your job, and/or getting your cable connection mysteriously taken offline. But that’s not productive when all you want to do is clock out, go home, and watch ESPN2 in peace.
In cases like these it’s easy to fall victim to righteous indignation, a state that itself burns up more fucks than your smarmy/moronic adversary is worth. Rather than letting that bad juju consume you like a lady praying mantis consumes her lover after sex, just try… not giving a fuck.
Say to yourself, It’s just not worth it, and move on.
By becoming one of the enlightened few who roam the earth giving no fucks, you will inevitably wind up conferring your newfound wisdom on your fellow man. I can’t tell you how many people have listened to me rave about the effects of my NotSorry Method and resolved, right then and there, to make changes of their own. I’ve helped coworkers see the light when it comes to useless paperwork, helped friends make better decisions regarding the use of their vacation days, and even aided my own parents in giving fewer fucks. They’re so proud.
I’m not doing all of this to be altruistic, either. I don’t give a fuck about altruism! I do it because it makes ME feel good—let me tell you, if not giving a fuck feels great, helping someone else stop giving a fuck feels that much better.
And finally, I do it because if all of us gave fewer fucks and were exponentially happier and healthier, the world would be a better place. For me.
Also known as “what you probably never had to give a fuck about in the first place.”
A terrific side benefit of learning not to give a fuck is that as you accept the consequences or “growing pains” of the first few attempts, you gradually get into a rhythm where you stop second-guessing yourself—which significantly reduces time spent giving a fuck, as well as concomitant anxiety levels. Hesitation (and anxiety) spells extraneous fucks every time.
In this way, the NotSorry Method gives you the tools and perspective to approach life from a different point of view, that of someone who can quickly and easily evaluate any situation and act accordingly. And it allows you to devote that regained time (and energy, and money) to other things.
Here’s the best part: You’ll find that not giving a fuck about some things does NOT necessarily result, over time, in an equal replacement of fucks given to other things.
You’ll probably discover that once you stop giving a bunch of fucks to things that don’t make you happy—and start adding back in some neglected items that do—you don’t even really need quite so many things in your life to begin with. That there aren’t forty-seven previously ignored tasks, events, people, and pursuits that merit replacing the forty-seven of which you’ve finally divested yourself.
I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s simply not possible to completely fill twenty-four hours every day with things I give a fuck about.
In other words, I have a lot of downtime, and it’s fucking great.
Full disclosure: It’s about to get a little counterintuitive up in this piece. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. (Because I did warn you, here.)
Until now we’ve focused mainly on a one-to-one ratio of fucks given/not given—like leaving work at five o’clock sharp in order to catch the first inning of the Dodgers game or forgoing your friend’s Survivor: Monkeys vs. Robots finale party so you can eat a bag of Tostitos and finish reading this book. Those are legitimate, in many cases even daily, rewards. And they will change your life.
But once you’ve gotten the hang of the NotSorry Method, you might find yourself willing, able, and even excited to take it all a step further. The magic, you see, can work on an even grander scale.
I’m sure you’ve seen those lists that go around social media every so often with titles like “Twenty Pieces of Advice for Twenty-Year-Olds from a Retiree” or “What People on Their Deathbeds Regret Most in Life”—and maybe you thought, Whatever, I have another few decades to go before I have to worry about any of that.
As Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men might say, “Think again, friendo.”
The reality is, unless we’ve been given a ballpark figure by a reputable physician (and sometimes not even then), not a single one of us knows when we’re going to shuffle off this mortal coil. It’s morbid, but it’s true. Tomorrow you could get hit by a bus, or mauled by a pack of wolves, or be scared to death by a clown.
When you think about it like that, don’t you want to make every second count?
Sometimes that means giving some new, prolonged, fucks in lieu of all the piecemeal fucks we’ve tackled thus far.
In order to help you do that (because that’s just the kind of gal I am), I took the liberty of scouring the Internet for myriad versions of the lists mentioned above, and cherry-picked five of the most commonly referenced regrets—aka Things About Which You Should Probably Be Giving More Fucks. Bear in mind that these are not to be confused with the actual short-term gains you might have already realized as a result of adopting the NotSorry Method. No, these are long-term goals, the fulfillment of which can easily and irretrievably be lost to the day-to-day fuck-giving that dominates most people’s lives.
In no particular order, here they are:
A trip here and there as a reward for not giving a fuck about some other obligation is one thing, but what the people who contribute these lists to the annals of the Internet are talking about is true traveling. Wanderlust. Going global. Traveling could become a regular part of your life, not just a semiannual boys’ weekend in Tahoe (although those are nice too).
Frankly, exercise for the sake of burning calories and sweating through my sports bra is not something I give a fuck about, but health isn’t just about how many squat thrusts you can do. Health is also about overarching goals like sleeping more, staying calm, and maybe also not shotgunning a whole cheese pizza á la Liz Lemon in times of stress. Which has been more than a once-in-a-while proposition for me, I don’t know about you.
Rome was not built in a day, nor was conversational Italian mastered in the one hour you saved by skipping that infernal team-building workshop. But even if you have absolutely zero desire to read Dante in the original, it’s worth noting that this regret looks like plenty of others—running a marathon, say, or growing your own vegetables—that are terrifyingly easy to put off because c’è sempre domani.
Maybe you don’t give a fuck about having a stable, sustainable income when you’re too old and decrepit to show up at an office every day. Maybe your working theory is “Live hard, retire in penury.” That’s cool, but it seems like a lot of sixty-somethings feel otherwise, so I’m just putting it out there.
If you’re the kind of enlightened individual who has successfully reduced your Work, Friends, and Family obligations enough to spend a few hours a week blissing out and juggling flaming bowling pins for no other reason than because you fucking feel like it, you officially win at life.
But maybe you’re a homebody. Maybe you’re already an exercise nut. Or maybe, like me, you’re woefully uncoordinated and will never learn to juggle. The point is, you don’t have to give your fucks to anything on the above list, or to anything else that ANYONE else gives their fucks to.
You can take or leave my suggestions.
The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck is meant to be aspirational and inspirational—not tyrannical—in its teaching. My stance on karaoke, for example, is likely to be unpopular with at least half of the people reading this book. It may also be puzzling to those who have seen me perform “Faith” or “Like a Virgin” while under the twin influences of rum punch and peer pressure. Whatever. I do me, you do you!
In writing this book, I heard from not only hundreds of anonymous strangers who responded to my survey but also from my friends and family, my literary agent and her assistant, my editor and publicist and others at the publishing house, and a few strangers who happened to be in the right place at the right time. (You’re welcome.) From these conversations, I realized that everyone’s path to enlightenment is paved by a unique combination of fucks given and not given, and that one person’s joy can easily be another person’s annoy.
And that’s okay. Your fucks are yours —to value and prioritize and give as you see fit.
You’re also allowed to change your mind, revise your personal policies, and reallocate accordingly. You’ve heard of a crime of opportunity? Well, sometimes you might commit a fuck of opportunity, and that’s par for the course. I mean, I really, truly don’t give a fuck about karaoke, but if I’m already at the bar and someone dangles that microphone in my face and I’m lubed up with enough Bacardi to anesthetize a pony, well… things happen.
What I’m saying is, in the heat of the moment, you might find yourself giving an unexpected fuck and it might even bring you joy. Or at least bring the people watching you make a fool of yourself some joy, which isn’t the worst thing you can do for your fellow man every once in a while.
In the vein of that very first admonition I handed down re: not giving a fuck about what other people think, I wanted to pay special attention to a subset of those people, aka the haters. At this point in your study of the NotSorry Method, you’re likely to encounter a few of them, and you need to be prepared. These people are, at the least, baffled, and at the most, grievously offended by your life decisions. For whatever reason, they just don’t have the desire or wherewithal to accept NotSorry into their lives. And that’s okay! But you don’t have to be weighed down by their narrow-mindedness or insecurity. Your life is great and getting better every day. Fuck the haters.
No matter where you stood on the NotSorry spectrum when you started this book, I trust that you’ve made progress in your own personal quest to give fewer fucks and join the ranks of the Enlightened, among whom are myself, Serena Williams, and New York City news anchor Pat Kiernan.* Seriously, that guy has parlayed not giving a fuck into an art form—we should all aspire to be more like Pat Kiernan, who stars as himself in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and the new Ghostbusters.
But back to you. You’ve come this far, so you must have wanted it at least a little bit, right? You must have been fed up with looking at your life as a series of obligations to be met, people to tolerate, and calendar squares to be desperately reshuffled until a blessed wild card in the form of a free afternoon rose to the top.
Or maybe this book was a gift from a friend, in which case he or she might be trying to tell you something.
Whatever the path that brought you here, I hope that The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck has shown you that all of this is possible, and without your having a nervous breakdown. Two weeks in rehab can be nice and all, but you needn’t get to the end of your rope only to hang yourself with it.
Wow, that got dark… sorry.
What I meant was, the NotSorry Method is not only practically prescriptive, it’s also prophylactic! It can cut you down from the rafters, but what’s more, it can keep you from ever climbing up there in the first place. You may wish to refer to it daily, as one might a holy Bible, or periodically, like a public-transit map. You can treat it like a GPS for your soul. Or you can take it out into a field and shoot it. It matters not to me.
Really, Sarah, why is that?
I think you know why.