Checklist for HealthLove is life. And if you miss love, you miss life.
— LEO BUSCAGLIA
True health, growth, and healing come when we have meaningful relationships with others. Too many people are lonely in today’s world, and as Mother Teresa so eloquently remarked, “The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love.”1 Humans are by nature social beings. We are not meant to be alone. The way to grow into the best version of yourself is through the mirror of relationship.
Relationship starts with the self — getting to know, loving, and accepting yourself at the deepest level. It’s the realization that you are not your body, your mind, or your thoughts but something much grander. You are a piece of the greater picture, and your role here, in this parenthesis in time, is important. This discovery is about loving who you are, exactly where you are, because you are, in your essence, a piece of God, or universal spirit. Your spiritual essence is perfect because the source who created you is perfect. When you find this self-love, which is not selfish or self-indulging but giving, you are able to radiate love to all those around you.
It astounds me that, while we are usually able to offer patience, kindness, and love to those in our lives who are experiencing difficulties, when it comes to ourselves and our own insecurities or troubles we are often harsh. To others, we show support and lend a listening ear; we offer them sympathy and kind words. My advice is that you become your own best friend as well. Be patient and kind to yourself. Learn to love your imperfect body and any other flaws you perceive in yourself. Loving them does not mean you don’t wish to change some things. You may want to change a behavior that has been weighing you down and preventing you from living a more fulfilling life. But the beginning of your journey starts with self-acceptance and self-love.
More than a year ago, I came out of a relationship with a man I loved very much. Ultimately, this person was not good for me, and even though I loved him, I realized that being with him hindered my growth. One source of pain for me was that, while I loved him, all of him, with all his shortcomings, he was not able to love me the same way. The lesson I learned as we broke up was that he was able to love me only as much as he loved himself. He couldn’t possibly give me more love than he had. I could neither blame him for this nor be angry about it. No one can give more than they have inside. That is why you must start first with self-love.
Furthermore, you cannot love for two in a relationship. Love in a relationship is a dynamic exchange between giver and receiver. The exchange of love will not always be equal. There will be times when you need to either give or receive more. But if you find that you are constantly giving, and love is not given back to you, you will be left empty and devoid of energy. Some people have difficulty receiving love. They find giving is easier. In a relationship, you need to allow the other person the gift of giving to you and seeing you accept it with open arms. Inversely, if you believe the other person continuously owes you something, whether affection, attention, gifts, or acknowledgment, you may need to work on increasing your self-love.
In Ayurveda, relationship is of utmost importance. The life category kama (desire and marriage) is one of four important categories in life. The other three are artha (wealth), dharma (life’s purpose), and moksha (liberation).
Whether or not you are in an intimate relationship with a significant other, seeking a relationship, or not planning on having one, know that relationship affects us on all levels. We are social animals. Unfortunately, we have built our Western world around the concept of self-sufficiency, which has isolated us. From telecommuting to work, to checking out our own groceries with an electronic scanner, we have taken the human element out of daily life. Think about it: if you wanted to, you could probably go through the day or several days without ever directly interacting with another human being. You can order your food and clothes online. You can pump your own gasoline, drive your own car, send out emails instead of making phone calls, and do your finances without ever setting foot in a bank. Need I go on?
I remember when the state installed automatic scanners on the toll road and I no longer needed to stop and pay the toll. I was a little sad for the missed interaction with the toll-booth employees. It’s no wonder that the sale of prescription medication for depression and anxiety is at an all-time high. Our need for self-sufficiency has isolated us and made us completely independent of other humans. But we are by nature social. That hasn’t changed. After all, it was discovered not so long ago, in the early 1960s, that infants in orphanages who were not held, caressed, and cuddled, but who received proper nutrition, died. We can change the circumstances, events, and conveniences in daily living, but we cannot change how we are hardwired, hence the intense feelings of isolation and depression that many experience.
A great step toward self-love is recognizing this fact.
We Are Social Beings Meant to Be in Relationships with Others
I understand that some do not want an intimate relationship in the sense of kama, which entails the desire to marry and start a family. But relationships with family members, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, and neighbors are more important to our health than you may think. How often have you gone to a neighbor’s house to borrow a cup of sugar in the past year? Do you even know your neighbor? Chances are you’ve bought a year’s supply of sugar at Costco or Sam’s Club, and bugs might get to it before you run out. In the West, it has become so easy to live without others that we have to make an even greater effort to include friends and family. And it is essential to do so if we are to attain a balanced life.
Life Is Not Balanced without Healthy and Loving Relationships
Marital relationships were once the cornerstone of family life, which was the core of social structure in society. From the microcosm of a solid family structure — which included the husband, wife, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins — came the macrocosm of neighborhoods, cities, and counties. I remember being a young kid in the 1970s. If I misbehaved and the neighbor on the next block witnessed it, my mother heard about it even before I got home. As daily living has become less centered on family life in the past couple of decades, the social structure of interconnectedness and interdependence has also degenerated. A prime example of this is the changed role of women in society in the past fifty years.
Women are, more than ever, financially independent. This is a blessing and a curse. Just sixty years ago or less, a wife depended on her husband for financial security. While this was a hindrance in the case of an abusive marriage, it also helped keep the relationship together through thick and thin. Today, a woman dissatisfied in marriage or a relationship can bail when she’s uncomfortable. The same goes for a man. If he’s not worried that she’ll be out on the street if he leaves, he’s more likely to let the relationship go when the going gets tough. Culturally, relationship breakups are completely acceptable. So where is the glue that holds relationships together?
I am not suggesting that you settle for a lackluster relationship. Part of healing is the expansion of love, compassion, and understanding. Being in a relationship entails embracing the ebb and flow. It’s more challenging now than ever to establish stable, lasting, and fulfilling relationships. With the age of immediacy in communication, we expect more of our loved ones. With the facility of communicating with others outside the relationship, infidelity is easier than ever. Not to mention that the lines between being faithful and being unfaithful are thin and fuzzy.
An Ayurvedic understanding of relationship starts with self-awareness and self-love. When you take care of yourself and your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, you have energy and patience to dedicate to others. Awareness of your own shortcomings and limitations allows you to go easy on your loved ones and their limitations. Recognizing what you need in a relationship enables you to let loved ones know what you need.
In this chapter I focus on romantic relationships, since those seem to be challenging for most. Guidance on communication skills offered here can, however, be applied to any relationship. Humans are universal. We all have the same needs and similar desires, and we deal with the same emotions. And if you haven’t yet read the chapter on emotional health (chapter 5), please go back and read it before processing relationship health.
Before we begin, take a moment to reflect on where you are in your relationship, if you have one. Are you currently in a relationship? Are you searching for one? Are you recovering from a recent breakup or divorce? Have you decided to go solo for the moment and discover more about yourself? Wherever you are in regard to relationship is where you are supposed to be. Accept where you are at the moment. If you’ve read the previous chapter and are working on healing your past, you know that the past is history. Consider the present in relation to your vision for your future.
I was married for a long time. My husband and I met when we were twenty years old, and we casually dated in college. When I became pregnant with my daughter, we decided to do the right thing (according to his and my upbringing) and get married. We were together for a total of fifteen years and had two other beautiful children as well. We had many challenges along the way, but in the end I knew my personal growth with him was stunted. It was a painful decision, but I knew that divorce was best for both of us, because he wasn’t able to grow either.
Then I entered into a relationship with a man I fell in love with, but our ideology, morals, and religious upbringing didn’t match. We stayed together four years and got engaged, which we celebrated with a huge party. He moved in with me and lived there for a year before things got very bad. He moved out, and I knew right there and then that it was probably best that we hadn’t let our relationship drag on any further. After those two experiences, though, I felt defeated. My children had seen me fail in two relationships. For the first few months after the breakup, I was embarrassed and felt I had lost the relationship game. After a lot of soul searching, meditation, reading about relationships, and a seminar on healing the heart, I realized that all relationships are here to teach us something about ourselves. All relationships are valuable, and not all are meant to last.
Let me reiterate: All relationships are here to teach us something about ourselves.
The desperate search for “the one” became much easier when I made a new agreement with reality. I no longer pressured myself to find the perfect relationship with the perfect man that would last the perfect amount of time. Once I stopped pressuring myself, I did find the perfect man for me. He literally walked right into my life and we mutually fell in love straightaway. Do I know how long it will last? I have absolutely no idea, but I know I cherish him and the relationship each and every day. We remind each other how much we love each other several times a day. We let go of the little things that don’t matter.
I’ve told my story to allow you to keep one thing in mind: Where you are is where you are supposed to be.
Do not blame yourself for past failures. If you’re in a relationship that is less than what you would like it to be, I will show you how to improve it. If you’re searching for a relationship, you will become ready to receive it. And if you’re taking time for you right now, read this anyway. It will help your relationships with family and friends.
My mother gave me a great piece of advice when I was very young: “Michelle, make sure you are a whole person before you enter into a relationship with another person.” I’m not sure how well I followed the advice, but it’s sound. All our work here on living an Ayurvedic lifestyle is meant to enable our return to wholeness. We are returning to wholeness of mind, body, soul, and spirit, which in turn will take us to oneness.
Often a person enters into a relationship to fill a void. That person then becomes a leech, draining energy from the other and eventually suffocating the relationship. Real love comes from wanting it, from desire, and less from need. Certainly, we all have needs, and some of those needs are fulfilled only in a romantic relationship. But if you look to your significant other to fulfill most or all of your needs, you are going to have a problem in that relationship. It’s best to enter a relationship from a position of strength, when your strength is at the optimal level for you. Searching for a relationship when you’ve just come out of one doesn’t permit this to happen. Other examples of inopportune times: when you are changing or losing a job, times of financial difficulty, when you are in the midst of a court or custody battle, or when you are undergoing therapy. If you are in a relationship and looking to improve it, choose a time when things are in a lull, when nothing major is going on. A time when you have a new baby, or are moving, or have just had an illness or death in the family wouldn’t be optimal for working on a relationship.
Twelve Traits of Healthy Relationships
One thing is certain: all relationships have ups and downs. In healthy relationships, however, there are also constants. I’ve compiled a list of twelve traits of healthy relationships, which I’ve gleaned from reading many books on relationships, from counseling clients during Ayurvedic consultations, from studying those in successful relationships, and from my own experiences.
Those in healthy relationships do the following:
1. Love Each Other Unconditionally
Dr. Leo Buscaglia, expert on love and relationships, wrote in his book titled Love that a true relationship filled with love has this one ingredient: unconditional love. According to Dr. Buscaglia, you must love your beloved with open arms. This means your loved one can come and go as he or she pleases and must never feel suffocated, possessed, or coerced into staying with you. Remember the adage that says you must set the one you love free, and that if your love is true your loved one will come back to you?
Unconditional love means you love your beloved when he’s fat, thin, ugly, beautiful, nasty, or kind. Think of the love we typically have for our children. Why shouldn’t this type of love be applied to our significant other?
2. Accept Each Other for Who They Are
Acceptance goes hand in hand with unconditional love and is a universal human need. We all need to be accepted. Acceptance doesn’t mean there is no room for improvement. It does mean that today, when you think about your beloved, you accept exactly where he or she is in life. Everyone’s journey is completely different, and you may be on one path while your beloved is on another. If there’s a habit or behavior that you need to change, or that you’d like your significant other to change, the change, once accepted, comes from a place of love, safety, security, and acceptance.
3. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Frankly, this trait should probably be number one. Many a relationship has ended because of the constant nitpicking that happens in relationships. The nitpicking grates away at the love until there is none left. Unfortunately, many young couples don’t learn this until it’s too late. The ability to stop sweating the small stuff typically comes with maturity and experience. If you are young, let me save you some time: pay attention to your attitude in relationships rather than the things that don’t really matter. Save your energy for discussions of bigger matters, such as finances, children, family, spiritual practice, morals, values, and intimacy.
4. Touch Each Other Often
We all understand that passion is intense in the beginning of a relationship, but the touch you give and experience early on must continue if the relationship is to be successful. People in healthy relationships experience all kinds of touch, from a brush on the face, a squeeze on the shoulder, to hugs, kisses, passionate kisses, and frequent lovemaking. In the chapter on physical health, I emphasized the importance of physical touch. Our skin represents 10 percent of our total body weight. There are more sense receptors on the skin than any other part of the body. The release of growth hormones and healing chemicals is stimulated through touch more than any other sense.
5. Create Memories Together and Cherish Them
I’ve heard this referred to as gushing. Whenever you find yourself in an argumentative pattern with your loved one, start gushing about all the great times you’ve had together. Create a “remember when” conversation. After reminiscing about all the wonderful memories, start making plans to create more.
6. Understand That Men and Women Have Different Needs and Honor Them
Let’s face it: men and women are not the same. The sooner you recognize it, the easier it will be for you to grow in a relationship. A wonderful book that helped me in my marriage is called His Needs, Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley. It’s a Christian-based book, but even if you’re not Christian you’ll find that the advice is solid. Dr. Harley has counseled thousands of couples, and his findings are the same in every case. The premise of the book is that men and women have distinctly different needs. Once we recognize, learn, and honor these needs, we open ourselves up to a fantastic and fulfilling relationship. One example of a man’s need is for his wife or girlfriend to be physically attractive. An example of a woman’s need is for her husband or boyfriend to be affectionate. While on the surface these needs may seem trivial, they are real and can serve as a guide or map to a great relationship.
Other authors on relationships mirror this sentiment. Author John Gray in his work Mars and Venus Together Forever states that, more and more, women are living a male role because they are working and competing with men and contributing more to the family finances. However, he states, they still have female needs. While the very real needs of men and women exist, confusion about gender roles creates more friction in relationships. Because of this, it is imperative that couples discuss personal needs in their relationships and accept their partner’s needs without judgment. Admitting you have needs is not a weakness; it’s a strength. And serving your beloved’s needs is love.
7. Understand That Laughter Is the Best Medicine in Good Times and in Bad
Maintaining a great sense of humor can be coupled with not taking yourself so seriously. In the end, most issues are nonissues. When you stop to look at the bigger picture, or step out of the muck you’re in, things often look lighter and sometimes even humorous. Saying something witty can break a pattern or jolt someone out of a bad mood. Laughter and lightheartedness are aspects of love.
8. Live by This Principle: No Shame, No Blame, and No Guilt
This goes back to what I’ve emphasized over and over in this work: Take responsibility for your actions and reactions. I once heard the observation that, when you point your finger at someone, four fingers are pointing back at you.
Shame, blame, and guilt are relationship killers. Too many of us carry around our bag of grievances. And when something happens that we don’t like, we take out our bag of grievances and begin unloading them onto our loved one.
9. Allow Room for Each Other to Grow
Have you ever heard a married person complain, “But she [or he] is not the person I married.” Of course, the person you married, or met, is not the same person. As humans, we are not static. We are ever growing, changing, and developing. It’s possible that the person you married did not reveal his or her true self before the marriage. It’s also possible that the person you married chose a path that led to self-destructive behaviors. And perhaps he or she is growing but not always according to your expectations. Growth is necessary personally and in relationship. When two people come together as individuals, they meet each other on their individual paths. Even though we come together in relationship to share the journey, we still have to carry out our purpose in life as individuals. Too often, we try to force our loved one onto our path or vice versa. When you allow your beloved to explore his or her own path and you offer support along the way, you are expressing one of the greatest gifts of love.
10. Develop Authentic Expression with One Another
People in healthy relationships feel they can safely express themselves to their loved ones without the threat of putting an end to the relationship or getting hurt. This precious safety net should not be taken lightly. In other words, your loved one feels comfortable opening up to you and expressing feelings, hopes, dreams, and fears. Take this authentic expression as a fragile gift. Too often, people who feel hurt take this information and use it to hurt the other. Or sometimes one member of a couple uses it against the other as a jab, as something to make fun of. Vulnerability is a must in authentic, healthy relationships. But with vulnerability comes great responsibility not to hurt your partner while trying to meet your own needs.
If you are having trouble with authentic expression, or your partner has difficulty opening up, you can try using a few tools, such as the following, to create a safe space for open expression.
PLAN A TIME WHEN ONE PERSON IS GIVING AND THE OTHER IS RECEIVING
This could be a time when you share something you’ve been meaning to tell your beloved but have been afraid to share. It could be a time when one person gives a massage and the other receives without having to reciprocate. Or it could be a date or other outing fully planned by the giver.
In the case of verbal expression, make sure the giver is sharing without interruption and the receiver is openly receiving the information without giving advice, making faces or commentary, or judging the giver. If it’s intimate touch, the receiver shows gratitude toward the partner who’s giving, but doesn’t feel compelled to return the favor. If the giver has planned something, the receiver appreciates and accepts the gift of what the giver has offered, again with gratitude and without judgment.
IN VERBAL EXPRESSION, REFLECT BACK WHAT YOU HEARD
Usually when receiving information, we are so busy reacting, planning a response, or inferring what has been said that we miss what the other person is actually saying to us. By telling the person what you heard, you clarify any misconceptions or misunderstandings. Many people have difficulty opening up because they are afraid of being misunderstood. When your partner is done talking, you can start your response by saying, “So what you are telling me is. . .” or “What I heard you say is. . .”
CREATE A RULE THAT NO INTERRUPTING IS ALLOWED WHILE EITHER IS TALKING
I understand that this one seems obvious, but you’d be amazed at how much you probably interrupt when your partner is speaking. A nice tool you can use to remind yourself not to interrupt is an object the speaker can hold while speaking. Whoever is holding the object may speak, while the other person is required to listen.
Remember one last thing about authentic expression: Expressing yourself honestly and openly to your partner does not mean you are free to hurt. Go back to the lesson taught by Dr. Simon, which I discuss in the section “Cultivating the Act of Witnessing Awareness.” There are three gateways between a thought and speaking. In order to speak, you must pass through all three. Ask, “Is what I am about to say true?” If so, proceed to the second gateway. Next ask, “Is what I am about to say necessary?” If so, proceed to the third gateway, and ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say kind?” Once you’ve passed through all three, you may speak.
11. Do Not Take Each Other for Granted
Appreciate everything you share with your beloved. Maintain a sense of awe and avoid complacency. Say “thank you” often. Practice gratitude for all the little things in your relationship, and watch it grow.
12. Give without Needing to Receive
Keeping track of who did what is a relationship killer. There will be times in a relationship when you give more than you receive and vice versa. And when you do give, give with love, not out of obligation. If you give out of pure obligation, you taint the giving. Sometimes there are things you do for your beloved that she could, in fact, do for herself. When you find yourself resenting giving in this way, have a conversation and ask your partner if she could pick up the slack in that particular thing. Chances are your partner did not realize it created a burden for you and, when asked nicely, is more than happy to take over the task. Inversely, if there is something you need that you’re not receiving, ask for it. Most people are not mind readers. In the following exercise, you can explore ways to communicate your needs effectively and compassionately.
The best way to expand a relationship is to give together: find time to volunteer and help others as a couple. We often get so wrapped up in our own needs and desires that we forget others around us may have even greater or more immediate needs. The bond created in your relationship by giving to others will generate even more gratitude and appreciation in you for what you already have. You realize that this life is not all about you but about serving.
Exercise: Taking Inventory of Your Relationship Using the Twelve Traits
If you are currently in a relationship, go back and look at the Twelve Traits of Healthy Relationships and see where you are. How does your relationship measure up? In what areas do you see room for improvement? Use the following questions to rate your relationship according to each item in that list, and then rate yourself. If your partner is open to doing the exercise with you, then have him or her do the same thing.
1. Does unconditional love exist in the relationship? Do you strive to love unconditionally? What could you do to expand your unconditional love for your partner?
2. Do you find there is mutual acceptance in your relationship? Do you find that you accept your partner as a person no matter what? If not, how can you be more accepting? To accept your loved one, what steps will you have to take?
3. Do you sweat the small stuff? Do you and your partner argue about things such as chores, money, dirty socks, or who takes out the trash? Do you find yourself nitpicking about characteristics or habits of your partner that could be overlooked because they are not that important? If so, how can you turn this around?
4. Is there daily loving touch in your relationship? Do you hug, kiss, and make love and/or stroke each other daily? Is there passion in your touch? Do you love touching your partner? Does he or she perceive you that way? If there is a lack of touch, what are you willing to do to increase touch in your relationship?
5. Do you consistently create great memories together as a couple? Do you gush about fond memories and plan on creating future memories? Do you focus on the positive or the negative in your relationship? If your focus is more on the negative, how can you emphasize the positive? Where your attention goes, energy flows, so make a commitment to focus on the positive memories in your relationship.
6. Are you aware of each other’s needs? Would you be able to list your partner’s top five needs that you can fulfill for him or her? If you haven’t a clue or can’t come up with five, plan on having a conversation with your loved one and asking him or her which needs are in the top five.
7. Do you and your partner laugh together daily? Do you try to lighten the mood by smiling, cracking a joke, or telling a funny story when things get heavy? Do you laugh at yourself in front of your partner regularly? If not, how can you lighten the mood?
8. As a couple, do you make it a practice to assign blame when something goes wrong? Do you remind your partner of his or her shortcomings or past mistakes? Do you consistently point out when your partner is doing something you don’t agree with? If so, work on surprising your partner by mentioning what he or she is doing right. Realize that blame need not be assessed in every situation, fix the problem, and move on. Learn to apologize when you do or say something wrong or that hurts the other. Create a plan to let go of blame, shame, and guilt.
9. As a couple, do you allow and encourage each other to grow and have personal-growth time? As a person, do you take time for yourself each day and commit to learning something new on a regular basis? Do you allow your partner to do the same? Write down some ways in which you can support your partner in his or her personal growth.
10. As a couple do you express yourselves authentically to one another, or do you maintain barriers that prevent you from being open, honest, frank, and heartfelt? Do you, as a lover, express yourself to your partner, or do you hold back or sugarcoat things? Do you keep a part of yourself guarded out of fear? Are you afraid to be honest? What steps can you take to open yourself up to your partner authentically?
11. As a couple do you both appreciate each other and all that you do for one another? Do you appreciate that your loved one is in your life? Do you tell him or her on a regular basis? Do you feel gratitude in your heart and thank your creator for the gift of having your loved one in your life? What could you say to your partner to show that you don’t take him or her for granted?
12. As a couple do you give to one another without keeping track of who does what? Do you give regularly to your loved one, or are you the one who consistently asks for something? Are you open to receiving? What specifically can you do to give to your partner love, without expecting anything in return?
A healthy relationship doesn’t simply fall into place with ease. It requires work and great communication skills. Communicating is more than expressing yourself and actively listening. It’s about expressing yourself effectively and saying what it is that you really need.
When we communicate, we often are trying to fulfill one of our own needs. What we must keep in mind is that the other person too is attempting to have his or her needs met. Can you imagine why people typically have problems with communicating effectively?
Compassionate communication is about being mindful of the other person and his or her needs while effectively communicating yours. There are certain rules you can follow to ease communication and make it successful for you and your partner.
Find a Time to Communicate When There Are Few or No Distractions
Often we bombard our loved one with conversation when the time isn’t right. The TV may be going, kids may be running around, or our partner may be busy with another task. Experience will tell you that distractions plus communication never equals a great result. Either wait until the distraction is no longer an issue or, if it can’t wait, look at the person directly and ask, “Can we move to another room for five minutes and have a quick conversation?” If the conversation is about a topic that won’t be resolved quickly, ask, “When do you have some time to talk?” You may also offer two options: “Is today after work okay?” or “Tomorrow morning over coffee?”
Respect Your Partner’s Style of Communication
The love of my life prefers to do a walk and talk, while I prefer to sit quietly and look at him while talking. This can create a bit of friction when the tension is high. What we are learning to do is to do a little of both. Each person is different in giving and receiving information. Ask your partner if they prefer talking in a quiet environment or a noisy one, if they can talk about a topic in short bits or prefer to have one long conversation and move on. Also, it’s important to know your own personal style. Since I’m a writer by nature, I like to write a letter to sort out my thoughts. However, what I learned in the past is that the men in my life didn’t necessarily like getting letters, because they’re mostly one-sided. Now I write out my thoughts and keep that letter with me during the conversation, and either read it to my partner or highlight key points from it.
Avoid Communicating Important Topics Electronically
This is something new. We live on our devices today, and it’s too easy to quickly communicate a thought electronically via text message, voicemail, email, or another form of electric communication. Unfortunately, in our haste we often forget to filter what we say. When your emotions are running high, refrain from sending an emotional message to your loved one.
Understand That Men and Women Communicate and Process Information Differently
When I was teaching middle and high school, we were told to ask a question and wait about thirty seconds before calling on a child. The reason was that boys process questions differently than girls and they need a slightly longer processing time. As a woman, I’m a quick thinker. I ask questions quickly and I want quick answers. Many women I know operate similarly. Men often need a longer reflection time and may need questions asked in a different way. Another difference between men and women is that men are problem solvers. If you present a situation to a man, he will try to find a solution. In communicating compassionately with a man, tell him before you begin, “I need to vent right now. You don’t need to solve this. I just need you to listen. Could you do that for me?” That statement allows the man in your life to sit back and listen without the burden of finding a solution. In the event that you need his feedback or advice, after speaking you could say, “I’ve given you a lot of information; do you need some time to think this over?” If he says yes, give him that time.
Men need to understand that women process information as they speak and often work on solving problems while speaking. So if your lovely woman partner talks a lot and it’s not making sense to you, sit back and nod occasionally, or touch her lovingly with a rub on the back or a hand on the knee. Chances are she’ll stop talking when she feels better or feels that she’s coming to a solution on her own.
There is a four-step process in compassionate communication outlined by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in his work Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.2 This process is relatively simple in concept but a little trickier to put into practice. The process starts with observing what happened and communicating that observation. Observation is like a news reporter describing a scene without emotion, judgments, or inferences. The second step is to identify your feelings — are you feeling angry, happy, sad, frustrated, elated, or stressed? Then communicate the feeling to your partner. The third step is to identify the need that is not being met: do you need peace, security, love, affection, or appreciation? And the fourth step is to request what you want from the other person. By asking for what we need, we are more likely to receive it. I highly recommend this work because it promotes effective communication.
As we work on our own style of communicating and learn new methods that help us respect the other person, it can seem like we’re playing a game, being manipulative, or staging our conversations. In reality, most of us have not learned to communicate our needs because we have not had proper role models. Many of us have been taught not to ask for what we need because it’s selfish. And in turn, we’ve learned to scold others who communicate their needs. So yes, in the beginning it seems staged or awkward. But with practice it becomes less uncomfortable and more fulfilling. The game playing becomes nullified because you are no longer making others guess what you need. As my guru, Dr. Simon, used to say, “Babies cry, and everyone runs around trying to figure out what they need. You now have skills to communicate. So if you cry, fuss, and make others guess at what you want, it doesn’t work because you’re not that cute anymore.”
Minding the Doshas in Relationships
Now that we’ve ironed out the fact that men and women are different and discussed how to have a healthy relationship, let’s take a look at how the doshas can affect our relationships. By understanding that Vata, Pitta, and Kapha types act and react differently, you can find certain propensities in their behavior and learn to work with them.
Vata types are always on the move. They fidget when they sit. They pace when they talk. They are often doing more than one thing at the same time and have a difficult time finishing tasks. Your Vata lover is prone to worry and nervousness and sensitive to mood changes. He may seem hot and cold when it comes to affection. Sometimes the Vata type likes to sit and snuggle, and the next moment he wants to get up and clean the kitchen. Remember the buzzwords for Vata are change and movement. This can sometimes drive a Pitta or Kapha lover crazy because it seems that there is no consistency. Vata types respond best to touch and sound. Tell your Vata lover that you love her. Touch your Vata lover in the morning and when you come home from work. If you are in a relationship with a Vata type, never blow up at him and leave him thinking about it for the rest of the day. Reassure him that everything will be okay, and then leave. Your Vata’s nervous nature will leave the wheels turning, and you will find a crazy person in the evening if you don’t reassure him that he need not worry. You can help your Vata lover who is out of balance by cooking her a warm and nourishing meal, drawing a warm bath for her, getting her on a routine, or giving her a shoulder rub before bed. You will always smile because of her enthusiasm, though, and her love for excitement.
Pitta Types
Pitta lovers are intense. They are intense conversationalists and love intensely. Pittas are very attractive for their penetrating gaze and beautiful glowing eyes. They are routine- and goal-oriented. Pitta types can be workaholics, which can make a Vata or Kapha type feel unloved in comparison. Pittas respond best to the sense of sight: they like their partners to appear beautiful and have impeccable looks. This doesn’t necessarily make them shallow — by nature, they are visual. Dressing nicely, wearing fine jewelry, or making sure you keep fit for your Pitta lover will make him happy. A word of caution to those in love with a Pitta type: Pittas can have a temper. You may notice that your Pitta lover can be judgmental, critical, or prone to anger. You may also notice he calms down quickly after spouting off. If you argue with a Pitta type, you will only add fuel to the fire. Learn to stay silent or gently remind him at another time that his words were hurtful, and he’ll likely apologize and the warm fire within him will make you fall for him all over again. In the bedroom, Pitta types make love passionately and most have a high sex drive. To help rebalance your Pitta lover, make her a meal with some cooling foods, such as cucumber, melon, mint, mango, fennel, or watermelon. Take her to a body of water for a walk. Dim the lights and listen to some soothing music. Offer to do a fun activity, which will take her out of her routine. Make her laugh.
Kapha Types
Kapha lovers are faithful, trustworthy, stable, and nurturing, and they have great stamina. They adore routine, traditions, and are great at creating a beautiful home environment. Kapha types tend to be homebodies and would much rather sit home by the fire with a good book than be out and about. A Kapha lover has fantastic stamina in the bedroom and can make love for the duration. She responds best to the senses of smell and taste. If you want to please your Kapha lover, buy her a nice perfume or take her to a five-star restaurant. While your Kapha lover will not fuss too much, you need to keep in mind that he takes everything in without complaining but will eventually withdraw from you when it’s too much to handle. Encourage your Kapha lover to consistently share his feelings with you. If you find your Kapha lover getting complacent or too lazy, offer to walk with her. Take her out dancing or to the gym with you. To help your Kapha partner stay in balance, keep sweets out of the house if she complains about weight gain. Eat salads and cook healthy foods with her. You may notice your Kapha lover likes to keep things and that clutter accumulates; tell him you love him and that your relationship is more important to you than any object in the house. An out-of-balance Kapha will need assurance that you won’t leave. Give him that and his easygoing nature will surface once again.
Creating the Relationships You Desire
Part of healing is keeping relationships that are nourishing you and letting go of ones that are no longer nourishing. Obviously, there are certain relationships we don’t choose consciously, such as those with our children and other immediate family members, but others we can choose.
Regardless of your situation, you can choose to minimize contact with people who bring negative energy to your life. Remember that you also have a conscious choice to allow others to hurt you or not. While physical hurt is never acceptable, psychological or emotional hurt, depending on the situation, can be rectified through compassionate communication or perception. By communicating compassionately, you let others know how you’re feeling without attacking them verbally or putting them on the defensive. If a relationship with someone who radiates negativity cannot be avoided, you can choose to perceive that person differently. This will allow you to swallow that bitter pill, so to speak.
What I do when someone is being unkind, judgmental, or harsh is create a story in my head explaining why. For example, I might imagine that the person’s spouse just left him, or maybe his mom has been diagnosed with cancer or he himself is dealing with an illness. When I look at the behavior from a different perspective, it helps soften the blow. In reality, we really don’t know what another person is dealing with in life. Often when we allow ourselves to get hurt in a relationship, we’re thinking it’s all about us. We think, “Oh, she did this to me,” or “He is out to hurt me.” In fact, it’s usually about them. Have you ever inadvertently hurt someone and, when you were told this, you had no idea that you had done so? You thought you were just going about your business. Instead, you may have said something wrong or in a way that differed from your usual approach, and the other person took it poorly. So when we shift our perception and recognize that the problem is probably not about us, this takes the burden off our shoulders and helps to turn a tense relationship into a more nourishing one.
Another way to shift perception is by asking questions. Have you ever assumed someone was doing something and then found that you were dead wrong? Instead of saying, “Oh, I know you were out drinking with your buddies last night!” ask, “So what did you end up doing last night?” without an accusative tone, of course. If a friend forgot to call and you assume she doesn’t like you anymore, say, “Hey, it looks like you’ve been busy lately. Did you forget to call?” Other questions you can ask to clarify the speaker’s intention might be: “What did you mean by that?” “Did I hear you say. . . ?” “In other words, are you saying. . . ?” Allow the person to clarify, and believe her. You may not believe it now, but by simply shifting from assumptions to questions you can nourish relationships and create better ones.
If you are searching for a partner in life, you can create the relationship you desire and attract the ideal mate into your life. The process is actually easier than we usually assume. I’m sure you’ve had the experience of searching for a job or a house. Before beginning you usually have an idea of what job you want or living space you’d like. So you create a list, mentally or physically, of things you’d like to have. Then you collect data and determine which companies to send résumés to or which houses to visit. Unless you’re in a desperate situation, you typically sort through the choices and make an educated choice based on a lot of criteria. Some of us act on impulse (Vata types are known for this), but most realize that a job choice or house is a big decision. Finding a mate should feel no different. We tend to make it seem different, but in rationally choosing you can attract the right person for you and create a healthy relationship.
Steps to Attract the Right Mate
Tons of books have been written on the subjects of attracting a partner and maintaining an intimate relationship, and this book is certainly not one of them. However, based on my own reading and experience, coupled with a consciousness-based approach, I can offer steps in beginning the process.
1. WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU WISH TO HAVE IN A MATE. This process is similar to the one you used to compile your list of intentions and desires. State the sentences in the present tense and in the positive. “The man [or woman] of my dreams is. . .” Don’t hold back. Take an unlimited time to write as much as you can, describing your potential mate.
2. WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU ABSOLUTELY DON’T WANT IN A MATE. For example: “He cannot smoke.” “She cannot be a couch potato.”
3. VISUALIZE YOUR MATE-TO-BE. Even if you’re not the creative type, you no doubt have read books and seen movies. Imagine you are with your mate. What does she look like, smell like, feel like? What does he wear? What is her occupation? What do you two do on the weekends? In the evenings? On holidays? How do you speak to one another? Visualize absolutely everything and write it down. I did this before meeting my love, and after meeting and dating him for a few months, I went back and read my visualization. It was amazingly close to who my love turned out to be as a person and how we are in our relationship.
4. BECOME THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WISH TO ATTRACT INTO YOUR LIFE. Suppose you place honesty at the top of your list of must-have qualities. If your future partner must be honest, then you must hold yourself to the same standard. To paraphrase a quote I once read: “You don’t attract what you want; you attract what you are.”
5. START LOOKING FOR YOUR MATE. Online dating is very common today, but get out there too. When I was looking for my love, I started going out and salsa dancing. I also went to singles meet-up groups. As hard as it was for me, with three children and a business, I made sure I got out there. It gave a message to the universe: “Hey, I’m available here.” Go back to the analogy of searching for a job or a house. When looking for work, I bet you search a lot of different avenues, not just one. You might call past managers; ask friends, neighbors, and past colleagues; post your résumé online; and so on. If you stick to one outlet in a job search, it might take a lot longer. Searching for a mate is no different.
6. DON’T COMPROMISE YOUR DESIRES LIST AND SETTLE FOR LESS. Granted, no one is perfect, but just because someone is interested in you doesn’t mean you must cave in for fear that no one else is out there. Your mate’s characteristics should match a majority of those on your desires list and should not be one that you specifically don’t want.
7. MEDITATE DAILY AND SURRENDER TO THE UNIVERSE. Stay steadfast in the belief that your ideal mate is out there. You have to trust and believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that he or she is coming into your life. I constantly repeat to my single friends who feel desperate: “Are you kidding me? With 7.5 billion people out there, you’re telling me it’s hopeless? Your love is out there. He’s available and searching for you too. You just have to believe it.” Surrender. Ask God, in the form in which you conceive of him or her, to send you your ideal mate. Then watch for clues and follow your intuition.
Explore your relationship with yourself. Are you the person you’ll want to be once you’re in a relationship with another person? Do you feel you are whole?
Read over the Twelve Traits of Healthy Relationships.
Work on your inventory for the “Twelve Traits of Healthy Relationships,” and discover how your relationship measures up.
Do you communicate compassionately? Do you possess a good vocabulary for expressing your feelings?
If you are in a relationship, which dosha is your loved one? How can you cater to his or her dominant dosha within the relationship?
If you are seeking a relationship, write down all the traits you desire in a mate. Do you emulate the qualities of the person you wish to attract? Remember, like attracts like.