CHAPTER 1½

THE STORM IS STILL GATHERING

CLAUDIA

I apologize for that last chapter.

But I had to leave it in because Reese talked to a lawyer. And the lawyer told him he could refuse to participate in the oral history if I didn’t print our entire argument exactly how I recorded it on my iPad.

Which is ridiculous.

And I’m pretty sure the lawyer just told Reese that to make him shut up, because the lawyer was very tired from a long week of being a lawyer and just wanted to lie on the couch and fall asleep watching football.

But when I went to complain, he was already snoring even though it was only the first quarter. And I didn’t want to wake him up, because I am a kind and considerate person.

And I couldn’t appeal to a higher court, because Mom was at yoga.

Just to be clear, though, this says Chapter 1½, but really it’s Chapter 1, and you should just ignore that other Chapter 1.

Back to The War.

Historians disagree about where exactly it began. Some claim it started not at 8:27am in the Culvert Prep cafeteria, but an hour earlier, in the kitchen of Apartment 6D at 437 West End Avenue.

These historians are idiots. And they can’t even count to three.

Which, BTW, is the maximum number of toaster pastries I have EVER eaten out of a box of six.

But whatever.

Here’s exactly what happened:

First of all, it’s important to know that on a normal weekday at 8:27am, pretty much the whole sixth grade is hanging out in the cafeteria. So if you’re going to launch a vicious sneak attack on an innocent person and want to make sure everybody hears it for the greatest possible humiliating damage, the cafeteria is the place to do it.

Second, it’s even MORE important to know this: I was not the one who farted.

REESE

I still think it was you.

CLAUDIA

It wasn’t! And we are NOT discussing this.

REESE

Because you had Thai food the night before, which totally makes you fart the next day.

And it smelled exactly like it did when we got off the bus that morning—

CLAUDIA

WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING THIS! NO, NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT—

REESE

—and I KNOW you farted on the bus, because I didn’t just smell it, I HEARD—

CLAUDIA

INTERVIEW OVER! I’M TURNING OFF THE VOICE MEMO APP!