CHAPTER 2
PEACEFUL DIPLOMACY IS A TOTAL FAIL
CLAUDIA
It is important to point out here that even though I suffered a vicious and emotionally devastating sneak attack, I did not fight back right away.
The fact is, I am a completely peace-loving person. Which means I did not go to war until I had done everything I could to solve the crisis through peaceful diplomacy.
REESE
You tried to get me in trouble is what you did.
CLAUDIA
That is not true. Reese got HIMSELF in trouble by attacking me. All I did was very calmly explain the situation to Ashley when she picked us up that afternoon.
Ashley is our after school sitter. Although “sitter” isn’t really the right word for her job. Personally, I am mature and responsible enough that I absolutely DO NOT NEED babysitting. (Reese is a whole other story, because he is a child and has to be constantly watched so he doesn’t burn the apartment down or something.)
And Ashley is more like a substitute parent than a sitter. She does all the things Mom and Dad can’t do because they’re at work—like cooking dinner, or yelling at Reese to do his homework, or being there for us when we need them.
At least, that’s what she’s supposed to do. To be completely honest, Ashley is not that great at her job. She spends 90% of her time staring at her phone, and most of the other 10% playing with her hair.
But she’s VERY nice. And she lets me watch Thrones of Death. So I’m fine with it.
It’s kind of ridiculous that she’s still picking us up after school. But whatever.
ASHLEY O’ROURKE, after school sitter/substitute parent
Wait, before we start—if this book gets published, can you mention that I’m an aspiring Broadway actress who’s trained in both Drama and Voice?
CLAUDIA
It’s not really appropriate. But okay.
ASHLEY
Thanks, Claude! You’re the best.
Okay, so I’m trying to remember… I picked you guys up, I was totally on time—
CLAUDIA
For a change.
ASHLEY
Oh, stop. We got on the M79—no, it was before that. We were waiting for the bus. And you started telling me how, like, Reese had accused you of farting in front of everybody. And it was totally humiliating, and you were going to have to transfer to a new school out of embarrassment, and Reese needed to, like, get grounded for a year or something.
So I told Reese he had to apologize to you. And he said something like, “I’m sorry you can’t take a joke.”
And that just made it worse. You got crazy mad, and we got on the bus, and you guys like, wouldn’t stop fighting. Like, all the old people sitting up in front were turning around to see what all the yelling was about.
And that’s when I emailed your mom.
ASHLEY (email to Mom)
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) Ashley just emailed—Reese teased
Claudia at school, very upset—can
u come home early and give him
“watch your sister’s back” speech?
(DAD) Have to finish brief tonight. Not home
till at least 11. Can you do it?
I AM IN MOUNTAIN VIEW UNTIL
FRIDAY
Oh. Right. Will come home and work
from there
Try to get full story—if Reese’s fault,
take away MetaWorld for at least
24 hrs
How do I do that?
Seriously?
MetaWorld is computer thing, right?
I know it’s computer thing! Just don’t
know how to take it away. Do I hide
his laptop?
Yes. Ask Ashley. Who is illiterate,
BTW. Very scared that she is person
supervising homework
At least she’s not letting them watch
Thrones of Death
CLAUDIA
Dad got home at 8:30 that night, which is really early for him. This made me think Reese was in big trouble.
And I’m pretty sure if Mom hadn’t been on a business trip, Reese WOULD have been in big trouble, because she is much tougher than Dad when it comes to punishment. But Mom works for a very small Internet company that is trying to get a very big Internet company to buy them, so that whole week she was in California trying to get bought.
I think history will record that business trip as one of those totally unfortunate things that, if it hadn’t happened, could have saved everybody a whole lot of trouble. Like if that Archduke guy (I forget his name, but it’s on Wikipedia) hadn’t gotten shot before World War I.
Because at this point, it wasn’t even really The War yet. It was still just The Incredibly Cruel Thing Reese Did In The Cafeteria.
And if Mom and Dad had punished him enough—like if he’d lost ALL his electronics for a week, not just his laptop but his iPad, Xbox, TV privileges, and even the totally ancient DSi that he only plays when Mom and Dad take everything else away—I would not have had to take the law into my own hands.
But after I very calmly explained to Dad what had happened, and he made Reese apologize—which only sounded halfway sincere because Dad was standing right there—he handed down Reese’s sentence:
No laptop for a day.
Which was RIDICULOUS.
The only thing Reese uses his laptop for (besides homework, which he doesn’t even do half the time) is MetaWorld. And when Mom and Dad take away the laptop, he just plays the mobile version on his iPad. Plus he’ll claim he needs the laptop for homework, so they’ll wind up giving it back to him for half the time he’s supposed to lose it anyway.
I complained to Dad, but he wouldn’t change his mind.
And I emailed Mom, but she said it was Dad’s decision.
So diplomacy failed. It was obvious that the only way there was going to be any justice was if I went out and got some for myself.
And that meant revenge.