CHAPTER 9 OPERATION STUPID HAIRCUT

CLAUDIA

After The ClickChat Atrocity, I decided to dedicate my life to making Reese and Xander suffer a public humiliation at least a hundred times worse than the one they’d put me through.

This turned out to be kind of hard.

For one thing, Operation Fishy Revenge had taught me my brother was very difficult to humiliate. Things that would make a normal human being so embarrassed that they’d consider moving to a whole other state—like, say, smelling like a dead fish for three days—didn’t really seem to faze him.

And Xander’s barely human, so I figured he’d be even harder to embarrass.

Not only that, but it had to be a stealth humiliation. I didn’t want Reese and Xander—ESPECIALLY Xander—to get any ideas about attacking me again. So whatever I did, I had to keep my fingerprints off it.

In the end, it took me a whole week to come up with a plan.

It would have taken even longer if Rodrigo Barrando hadn’t gotten a Mohawk.

REESE

Rodrigo Barrando is the world’s awesomest soccer player. Seriously. He’s a beast. If you don’t believe me, search “Rodrigo Barrando best goals” on YouTube. That one against Liverpool in the Champions League last year was NUTS.

He also has awesome hair.

CLAUDIA

I will admit that Barrando used to have pretty great hair. He was actually cute until he went and got that Mohawk, which was a seriously bad idea, because his head is totally the wrong shape for it.

I mean, nobody looks good in a Mohawk. But Barrando REALLY doesn’t look good in one.

REESE

I thought it looked beast! He did it for, like, charity or something.

Claudia came in when I was watching him get interviewed on The Header, and she was all, “Ohmygosh, he looks like a COMPLETE PSYCHOPATH.”

And I was all, “He looks AWESOME!”

CLAUDIA

That’s what got me thinking that if I could convince Reese and Xander to get Mohawks, they’d show up at school thinking they looked awesome, and everyone would laugh at them.

And then they’d realize they looked ridiculous. But it’d be too late, because there’s nothing you can do to get rid of a Mohawk except to shave your head, which would look EVEN MORE ridiculous.

So they’d be stuck looking like idiots for WEEKS.

It was genius.

All I had to do was figure out how to trick them into getting Mohawks.

REESE

I remember at breakfast one morning, Claudia was like, “You should get a Mohawk.”

That seemed kind of random.

CLAUDIA

I knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. I was just testing the waters. And Reese’s answer was actually very helpful. He snorted and went, “Yeah—like Mom would ever let me.”

Which made me realize the real challenge wasn’t going to be convincing Reese to get a Mohawk—it was getting the idea past my mom. Not to mention Xander’s parents, who I figured weren’t going to be too psyched about it, either.

So I needed to create a situation where they’d get Mohawks without asking their parents first.

And I didn’t know how things worked over at the Billingtons’, but in our apartment, haircut appointments are Ashley’s job. ^{Ed. Note: along with groceries/dentist/soccer ball replacement (Reese)/etc.}

ASHLEY O’ROURKE, after school sitter

All I can say is, under normal circumstances, there is no way I would ever let your brother get a Mohawk without checking with your mom first. Like, NO WAY.

CLAUDIA

This was why I had to create some kind of Mohawk crisis situation.

Not to be mean, but Ashley isn’t good in a crisis. I know this from experience. First, she panics. Then she looks around for somebody to tell her what to do.

And she’s willing to take orders from a twelve-year-old if it means she doesn’t have to make a decision by herself. So in the right crisis, I was pretty sure I could get her to approve the Mohawk.

But creating a situation in which your brother ABSOLUTELY HAS TO GET A MOHAWK IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR, so there’s no time for Ashley to get in touch with Mom to sign off on it, is not easy.

It’s not like you can get good ideas for this kind of thing online. If you google “Mohawk crisis situation,” there’s just not a lot out there except for some actual crisis involving the real Mohawk tribe, which is totally unhelpful when all you want is a bad haircut.

So it took me a while to come up with the Barrando Charity Video idea.

Once I did, though, creating the fake email account was easy.

FAKE EMAIL (sent to Reese Tapper and Xander Billington)

CLAUDIA

I thought I did a pretty good job with the fake email considering that I don’t know any Spanish. In fact, I was so proud of it that I showed it to Sophie and Carmen.

They actually got a little offended.

CARMEN GUTIERREZ

I just think it’s kind of uncool to make fun of non-native English speakers. Recent immigrants face a LOT of challenges that, tbh, I think you might be a little blind to as a member of the dominant culture.

CLAUDIA

I know. And I’m totally sensitive to that! I swear I wasn’t trying to make fun of non-native English speakers. I was just imitating one to fool Reese and Xander.

SOPHIE KOH

I dunno. That’s kind of a gray area.

CLAUDIA

But I can’t explain the Mohawk situation without the email. How about I include it, but also put in an apology to anyone who might get offended?

CARMEN

Good idea.

SOPHIE

Yeah. That’s smart.

CLAUDIA

For the record, I would like to officially apologize to anyone who might have thought my email was offensive and/or not cool.

I would also like to point out that I only sent it to Reese and Xander. Who are idiots. And can barely read anyway.

The timing of the email was critical, because I had to send it when A) Reese and Xander would be checking their email and B) there would be JUST ENOUGH time for them both to get Mohawks and make it to the spot where the video was supposedly shooting, but C) NOT enough time for Ashley to get in touch with my mom.

So I waited until the next Wednesday afternoon, when Reese and Xander didn’t have soccer and my mom was on a plane to California, so she couldn’t get text messages.

I had Student Government after school that day, but right before it started, I sent the email. Then I waited five minutes, excused myself from the meeting, and called Reese.

REESE

I was on the bus with Ashley when Claudia called me. She was all, “Did you hear about this Barrando video thing? EVERYBODY’S talking about it.”

And I was all, “Huh?”

And she was like, “Check your email! Hurry!” Then she hung up.

I thought that was kind of weird. But I checked my email, and I found this thing from, like, the “Barrando Fan Club”—which I didn’t even remember signing up for—but it was like, “Get a Mohawk and come to Central Park and you’ll meet Barrando!”

And I basically went nuts and started begging Ashley to take me to the haircut place over on Columbus.

ASHLEY O’ROURKE (texts to Mom)

Hi! Just lft msg fr u—plz call ASAP

Hi! Need 2 ask u ? re Reese—plz call!

ok u r not pickng up but I need 2 no
ASAP if ok for R 2 get Mohok haircut

can u call plz its kind of emergency
hard 2 expln in txt

CLAUDIA

I figured Ashley might need a little push, so I waited a few more minutes, then stepped out of Student Government again (when Mr. McDonald asked why I kept leaving, I told him I was having lady problems, which always freaks out male teachers and gets them to stop asking questions) and called Ashley.

ASHLEY

So, Reese had gotten this weird email about some soccer player who was going to make him a movie star if he got a Mohawk in, like, ten minutes.

I couldn’t get your mom on the phone to approve it, and your brother was, like, totally freaking out. And then you called me, and you were like, “Hey, Ash, I just wanted to say I heard about this Mohawk thing from the kids at school, and I think Reese should totally go for it, because YOLO! And also if he misses out he’ll totally regret it for the rest of his life, and—”

Wait. Why are you asking me about this?

CLAUDIA

No reason.

ASHLEY

I thought this interview was just about the big fight between you and—OHMYGOSH! CLAUDE! Was the Mohawk thing part of it?! Like, did YOU send that email?

CLAUDIA

Umm… maybe.

ASHLEY

CLAUDE!!! How could you DO that??? You got me in serious trouble!

CLAUDIA

Sorry, Ash!

[Editor’s note: Oops! I totally forgot that until now, nobody knew I was behind the Mohawk email.]

ASHLEY

That was seriously not cool, Claude. Like, your mom was RIPPED when she called me that night.

MOM AND DAD (text messages)

(MOM) DID YOU SEE THIS???

(DAD) OMG. That’s not real, is it?

IT’S REAL. THAT IS YOUR
SON’S HEAD

Did you tell him he could do that?

I DID NOT. VERY VERY ANGRY
AT ASHLEY

Could be worse

SHE PAID $75 FOR THAT MOHAWK

Calling you now

ASHLEY

Not only that, but Reese and I had to wander around Central Park looking for some nonexistent video shoot for, like, two hours. He was practically crying when he couldn’t find it.

REESE

It was the weirdest thing. Like, not only was there no video shoot, but when I googled “Barrando news” online, I found out he wasn’t even in America that day. [Editor’s note: Reese still has no clue that I sent the email.] And the next day, the only other person who said he even got the email was Xander. Which is cray! ’Cause he hates Barrando.

XANDER

Barrando sucks, yo. Everybody on Barcelona sucks. REAL MADRID FO-EVA!

CLAUDIA

I did not realize Xander hated Barrando.

Which, obviously, meant the Xander front of Operation Stupid Haircut was doomed from the beginning. And even though it worked brilliantly as far as tricking Reese into getting a Mohawk, it still turned out to be a total fail because of one thing I never anticipated.

REESE

I’m still bummed I didn’t meet Barrando or get to star in a video with him, but I’m really glad I got that email.

If I hadn’t, I never would’ve gotten a Mohawk. Which was BEAST!

CLAUDIA

He loved his Mohawk.

Like, seriously loved it. He could not have been more thrilled with his ridiculous-looking haircut.

Even worse, all his soccer idiot friends loved it, too.

REESE

It totally freaked out kids on other teams. Like, the next game, I stole three balls in a row from some kid on City Kickers, and I’m pretty sure it’s all because he was scared of my hair.

I just wish Mom would let me get another Mohawk.

MOM AND DAD (text messages)

Reese says he wants another
Mohawk
_{Ed. Note: sent by Dad 2 months later,
after Reese’s hair grew back}

Over my dead body