Birth
Birth—we’ve all done it, and we might be responsible for helping birth happen for another human being. People don’t really remember their births, so most will think of a human giving birth upon hearing the word. The topic of birth is a big one; it’s wide and encompasses a lot of nuances and specifics. A whole book could be written about the magick and ritual connected with birth, from fertility to pregnancy to being born, but we’ve tried to fit all of that into one chapter.
Birth isn’t all big bellies, smiles, and cooing babies. Having a baby can be a trial. Getting pregnant when a baby isn’t wanted comes with its own set of challenges. Preparing to step into parenthood is a major life transition, whether you step into it fully aware or whether you got a surprise that will change your life.
There is the whole process of becoming pregnant and the rite of passage of carrying a baby. There is the process of adoption and making space for a child to increase the numbers of your family. There is the potential of a pregnancy not coming to term and facing the loss of miscarriage. There is the potential of ending an unplanned pregnancy and holding the loss of abortion. And, of course, there is the physical process of labor, delivery, and welcoming new life into your existing life. Each step of the way, there is space to acknowledge and honor a different rite of passage.
As we wrote this section, it became clear that we were focusing on the person who becomes pregnant, the one that carries the baby. It is an easy thing to do, as pregnancy is something that just one person physically experiences. However, in some cases (perhaps many, if not most), there is another person involved with the journey of pregnancy.
And pregnancy doesn’t necessarily mean that your intimate partner is the one who gets pregnant. Maybe you’ve chosen to have a child via surrogacy. Maybe your sperm or eggs are part of the pregnancy cocktail, or perhaps they are not. Perhaps the birth is not about your body at all. It may be that a parent has remarried and is starting another family. Becoming a sibling, especially in a blended family, can be particularly trying and difficult. There are so many ways that births happen and, doubtless, many lives are impacted.
However, we begin this section with the beginning: fertility. Along the way, we explore pregnancy, labor and delivery, abortion, miscarriage, and baby blessings.
What These Rites Have in Common
From fertility to adoption to labor to abortion, the rites of passage in this section all deal with parenthood. The joys and challenges of fertility, the physical ordeal of labor and delivery, and the anguish of miscarriage or relief of abortion stand as distinct and discrete rites. Each ritual is a rite of passage in and of itself.
Beyond the individual rituals, though, there is a common denominator at work here, and that is parenthood. Even in the rites for miscarriage and abortion, the questions swirling around center on the idea of parenthood, even if the circumstances are such that one doesn’t become a parent. The actual rite of passage one is entering into is about their relationship to parenthood.
If you examine the idea of parenthood, you’re looking at a real-life change. Instead of being responsible solely for yourself, your own well-being, your own wants and needs, you’re choosing to put another human life ahead of your own. In fact, you might be choosing several human lives over your own. For instance, perhaps a partner wants to become a parent. Maybe a passionate weekend of consensual romping turns into an “oops!” moment and major life decisions must be addressed. One decision affects many lives.
Read that again.
One decision affects many lives.
That’s the real rite of passage going on here. It’s profound. Parenthood changes everything. Want to take a nap at three in the afternoon because your body really needs rest? Too bad, you’ve got to pick up Timmy from soccer practice. Date night? Oops! Sheray has a tummy bug, so no date night for you. Ready to go on that world tour? Oh, that’s right, your three-year-old would hate living in hostels.
Do you remember when we talked about the stages of a rite of passage in chapter 2? We defined the stages as the catalyst, the ordeal, alone and yet in community, and becoming the advisor. These stages lead to integration, and it’s the integration piece that rarely gets talked about.
The Catalyst. This is easy to identify: a person wants to become a parent, wants to avoid becoming a parent, or suddenly discovers they are pregnant.
The Ordeal. The ordeal is made up of the rigors one endures. This could mean labor, financial planning, or scheduling a termination appointment.
Alone and Yet in Community. The experience of parenthood can be a lonely business, especially in the first few years. That might sound like a strange sentiment, but more than 50 percent of parents cite feelings of loneliness and separation. And here we see the “alone and yet in community” aspect at work. If you’ve become a parent, you’ll experience situations where friends seem to fall away, invites to parties stop, or you’re unable to go on that weekend trip with your best friends from college. You may even have to give up a job or leave a job you love for one that has more flexible hours or pays better.
The Advisor. But what about getting past those decisions and becoming the advisor? You’ve now crossed the Rubicon, as it were. You’re different. You’ve come out the other side. And although there is no requirement for you to ever share your experiences, the time will undoubtedly come when you find someone in the same position as you. They might seek you out for counsel, or you might feel compelled to share your wisdom and experiences.
Simply put, your very identity has changed. You are part of a different group now. And that can be a real blow—or boost—to your self-esteem.
And, to be clear, whether you have been through an abortion or a miscarriage or you’ve resolved that parenting isn’t right for you now (or ever), you’re also in a club of sorts.
Fertility and Becoming Pregnant
A major rite of passage in anyone’s life is having a baby. Getting pregnant changes your mind, body, and spirit. There is a way to step into the shift toward pregnancy with intention and magick as a support for your process.
Throughout the majority of human history, pregnancy happened one way. Today, that’s no longer true. For sure, the time-tested method of two people coming together is still the way most pregnancies happen, but advances in medical technology and fertility treatments mean getting pregnant can happen a lot of different ways. Regardless of the biological and medical functions that allow for pregnancy, these rites of passage still apply. No matter the methodology, the desire to become pregnant is the same. The following rituals deal with the spiritual preparedness of fertility, not the actual way it happens.
When a baby is desired, it can become an all-consuming obsession. Some people spend years and hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant. For some, the process is easy and doesn’t require a single thought, but for others it’s incredibly painstaking and difficult, and it may never happen at all.
The decision to begin or expand a family is a rite of passage all on its own. Some folks get a chance to decide they are ready to take this step; others find themselves surprised by the impending change in family status. But when it’s ultimately determined and the process has truly begun, a rite of passage is called for.
Awakening fertility and making space magickally for pregnancy can, and should, be included in any other steps you are taking, both the more traditional and the more medical options. Our bodies are only one part of the fertility process; our minds and spirits also have an important role to play.
Whether you are just starting the planning process, were surprised with pregnancy, or have spent years dealing with the struggle of infertility, the first magickal step is to make space. Spiritually, you will need to make space in your energy field. A baby brings its own energy into your body. Preparing for that shift can help the change come more easily. The second step is to call out to baby spirits to let them know you are ready and willing to host them.
One of our dear friends ritualized this process in her life by throwing her contraception away. She did so on her wedding night with her husband in a ceremonial and intentional way. As they took this step, they announced to the universe that they were ready to accept the spirit of new life into their lives. The two stepped into the process of fertility and conception together, ready to take on the gift of new life.
This friend did not get pregnant right away. In fact, she struggled with infertility for several years, finally opting for medical intervention. She now has two beautiful children, but the journey didn’t go as she had wished and planned for, and that is sometimes part of the process.
After the acknowledgment that a child is wanted, a release of expectation is the next step and it is the hardest and most important step along the road of fertility and conception. Rarely do conception and fertility go exactly as you might desire them to. There will be challenges and difficulties. Your process may look a lot different than you hoped it would. That’s okay. There is no one right way to have a family.
There is also the decision about how to tell folks about your process or how to alert people to the fact that you are pregnant. There are some real-life reasons for not sharing the information that you are pregnant with the world. Many folks choose to wait until several months have gone by in the hopes that they are clear from any complications at that point. Sharing your journey through pregnancy is a way to include family and friends in your process. It can be joyful and it can be overwhelming.
The rituals in this section are for people of all situations. Gender doesn’t matter. Relationship status doesn’t matter. Growing your family and honoring fertility can be for anyone, of any gender, in any type of relationship, or in no romantic relationship.
Surprise! You’re Pregnant! A Tale from Phoenix
I didn’t plan on getting pregnant. A baby didn’t really fit into my goals. When I was surprised with a pregnancy, I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. Although I was married and had a good job, finding out I was pregnant really shifted my life around. To be honest, I was terrified.
I was supposed to be going to belly dancing class, but my period was late, and I was paranoid. I took the test at a friend’s house while waiting to go to class. I’ve probably spent hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests in my life. This was the only time I received a positive test result.
At first, I thought it must be wrong. Maybe I didn’t pee on it correctly. Maybe there wasn’t enough pee?
Rather than go to belly dancing class, I went back to the store and bought another test. I drove home and immediately took another one. Yep, positive. I was really in shock. I was worried I was going to be in trouble, even though I was in my mid-twenties and married.
I was also a practicing Witch, as was my daughter’s father. We quickly realized we wanted to make sure stepping into our pregnancy and the impending baby was approached reverently and spiritually. At the time, we didn’t know anyone else who had gone down the road of witchy pregnancies. We were the first ones in our friend group to get pregnant, and we were all pretty young. Our older friends and our parents hadn’t approached their pregnancies from a rite of passage perspective, but I wanted to.
I had to carve out my own path on how to walk through my pregnancy and welcome the baby spirit into my life, unlike folks who plan to become pregnant and do the spiritual work ahead of time. My baby spirit forced her way in and I had to make room for her after she had already appeared.
Fertility comes when it comes. You might be able to plan for it, or it might come upon you in a surprise.
This ritual is best performed during a full moon. Complete this ritual alone or with the partner(s) you will be embarking on this journey with. This ritual is best performed at dawn or dusk, and it should be done in your bedroom.
Supplies: One seven-inch silver candle, one seven-inch gold candle, a small wooden box, one large egg, mustard seeds, oak leaves, acorns, small scraps of green fabric, and a green permanent marker.
Set Up: Create a small altar in your room with all of the supplies listed above. All ritual participants should do a ritual cleansing before beginning this ritual process.
Ritual: All participants should ground and center themselves while standing at the altar. Call in any allies you want to help in this working. This may include deities of fertility or birth, such as Brigid, Frigga, Lady of Beasts, or another deity you are devoted to. You may also want to call on ancestors or any other spiritual allies you feel would help your pregnancy process.
Light the silver candle and the gold candle. Between the light of these two candles, begin creating a nest using the scraps of green fabric. This nest will need to be sturdy enough to hold the egg. Weave the bits of fabric together as tightly as you can. Once you have a solid structure, begin to weave the oak leaves and acorns into the nest. Visualize this nest holding the spirit of the baby you want to bring into the world.
When you feel ready, place the nest in the small wooden box. Pick up the egg and call to the spirit of your future baby. Speak openly and from your heart. Express why you are ready; speak to why now is the time. Call forth the right spirit for you right now. Draw the rune Berkana, which is the rune for birth and becoming, on the egg with the green permanent marker.
Place the egg in the nest and sprinkle it with mustard seeds. Sing, holding one note for an extended time over the egg, imbuing it with the energy of your future child coming into being. When you feel complete, place the box with the nest and the egg under your bed and leave it there until after your child is born. Once you bring your baby home, throw the egg into a stream, river, or other running water.
This ritual is best performed during a full moon. It should be done by the potential parents only. This ritual includes consensual, mutually agreed upon sex with the assumption of insemination as part of the process. If insemination isn’t possible during the ritual, partners should bring each other to orgasm. It is important to be clear about this part of the ritual before beginning. However, it is totally acceptable to plan on having sex, but to then change your mind once the ritual has started.
Supplies: A bowl of water, salt, a large quartz crystal, and an athame.
Set Up: Place all items on a small altar with the crystal in the center.
Ritual: Together, both potential parents ground and center, coming to a place of stillness, ready to perform this rite. One potential parent creates the ritual container by picking up the athame. Imagine blue fire coming out of the blade of the athame and spreading around the space. Face the north and send out that blue fire. Start to turn toward the east, letting the blue fire flow out of the blade as you move, creating a container between you and the outside of this ritual.
Continue to move in a circle from east, to south, to west, to north, drawing the blue fire along with you. Draw the blade up above you, closing the gap in the top of the circle and then dropping the blade to the ground, closing the gap below. Feel yourself contained in electric blue fire of protection and fertility.
Invoke any gods or allies you want to help guide this process. Speak aloud and openly, asking for their support as you prepare to bring a baby into the world.
Come back to the altar. Each partner should place three scoops of salt into the bowl of water, stir the water with the first two fingers of their dominant hand three times, and then draw a pentagram in the water. Each partner then sprinkles the other with the salted water as a cleansing and preparation of their bodies as temples.
Together, pick up the crystal and speak about the shifting of your family and the growth of family you are ready to take on. Talk about the baby spirit you want to invite into your life. When you both feel ready, begin to speak out loud to any baby spirits that may be ready to come into your life. Call out to the spirit and let them know you are ready to receive them. Hold on to the crystal to help hold and foster that baby spirit.
The partners should now engage in sex. The act of sex might be about procreation, but it is more important to remember this ritual is about the union of energies. This ritual goes beyond gender dynamics. As you engage with each other, remember your connection to each other and why you are undertaking this ritual to begin with. It is a development of love. Keep the crystal on or close to your bed. Anytime you engage in sex after this ritual, keep the crystal with you.
When both participants feel ready, thank the spirits or allies that you called into the circle. Ask for their continued guidance after the ritual ends.
One partner should pick up the athame and use it to cut open the blue fire circle that was created. Complete this process in reverse order, starting below, then above. Move to the north, the west, the south, the east, and back to the north. When the circle is opened, clap your hands three times.
Adoption
A family comes together in many ways, and the process of adoption is a unique rite replete with its own challenges and celebrations. The road to bringing home a child through adoption is not an easy one. There is a lot of red tape and bureaucracy that has to be dealt with. It’s also not an inexpensive process.
Adoption isn’t a one-size-fits-all rite. You may be looking at adopting a newborn baby. Perhaps you have been a foster parent and want to take the next step with the child who has been with you for a long time. Maybe you are looking to bring older children into your home. Although the legal process for these may be similar, the energetic differences are striking.
For some folks, the choice to adopt comes after years of trying to get pregnant. Wanting to have a family and bring a child into the family is a strong desire. Adoption may be your decision after a struggle with infertility. Adoption might be chosen over procreation, based on a desire to care for a child that needs a loving home.
With all of that being said, the reason for adoption is irrelevant. No matter what leads to the decision to adopt, the first step is to create space in your life for the spirit of a child.
Find a space in your home you can turn into an altar that will stay up throughout the adoption process. This could be in a small corner of your home where it won’t be too obvious or you could place it in the middle of everything; it really just depends on your living situation and what would be best for your life. This ritual should be done by anyone and everyone who will be calling in a new family member. Think about all of the people who will impact this child’s life. Siblings-to-be may want to draw pictures or write poems for the altar. Grandparents-to-be may choose to share their hopes for their grandchild’s future. Aunts, uncles, co-parents, and anyone who will influence and love this child can participate. The ritual can be done at any time of the month, but it should be done as close to the full moon as possible.
Supplies: A printout of your adoption application or any legal documents, a seven-inch glass-encased yellow candle, a large piece of paper, a magazine or printed images of families and the life you want to create, glue, scissors, and a bowl of dried rosemary.
Set Up: Gather all the items for the ritual and place them where you will end up keeping your permanent altar.
Ritual: All participants should hold hands and breathe together. Take a moment to come to your center. When everyone is ready, one participant needs to speak aloud your intention. Be clear and specific about what you are calling in; you may want to determine your intention ahead of the ritual. Light the candle when you have finished speaking.
Go through the printed images or magazine and gather all the pictures and words that meet your intention. Lay the images out on your blank piece of paper and begin to glue them down.
Again, speak your intention out loud while holding your adoption paperwork and newly made collage. Together, say the following:
We call forth a new member of our family
We open our hearts and our home to you
We call forth the perfect match for our lives
We open our hearts and our home to you
We call forth the child that needs our love
We open our hearts and our home to you
Lay the adoption paperwork under the candle. Sprinkle the candle and paperwork with dried rosemary. Place the collage near the candle. All participants say: “We are ready. Blessed be.”
Snuff out the candle. Light it as often as you feel called to throughout the adoption process. If you burn through the candle, get another yellow candle to replace it and repeat the candle-lighting process. You can always repeat this ritual with the same participants or with folks that couldn’t attend the initial ritual. Working and reworking a ritual can go a long way toward strengthening the magick.
Labor and Delivery Blessings
You may have heard the term Blessingway as a ritual held for a pregnant person preparing for the labor and delivery process. We encourage folks to change their language around this ritual. The term Blessingway comes from Navajo healing ceremonies; it is a specific tradition of this tribe. The Blessingway rituals are used for several different types of healing and magickal work, ease with labor and delivery being just one of them. But it is a word that calls upon a specific indigenous practice, and it isn’t appropriate for those not a part of this community to use.
With all of that being said, we will refer to this type of rite of passage as a birth blessing. This takes away any cultural appropriation and leaves space for the person giving birth to be of any gender. The idea of a birth blessing is to perform magick and ritual to help the labor and delivery process, both for the person giving birth and for the baby being born. Although labor and delivery is a natural and normal human process, it is not without complications. Performing a ritual to bless delivery, ease pain, and smooth the road of this transition can help.
Many traditions across the world have superstitions and rituals to help aid the labor and birthing process. Often objects from the sea are used as talismans for smooth labor. In the South Pacific, women were known to rub their pregnant bellies with the smoothed side of a cowry shell. In Norway, women in labor drank a potion made from the outer shell of a sea heart. Small amulets were made in ancient Egypt for laboring women to hold on to. Dedicants to the Roman goddess Juno would untie knots during the labor of a pregnant woman to help loosen up the delivery. In Turkey, the evil eye and hand of Fatima help protect pregnant people and newborn children. Magickally taking care of those in the birthing process is something very human.
Lead Up to Labor and a Birth Blessing: A Story from Phoenix
I discovered a troubling thing while I was pregnant. It felt like every single woman who had given birth wanted to share their horror story with me. On the one hand, I appreciate people sharing their stories as a way of helping alert another person about what can happen, the hard things that aren’t common knowledge. Knowledge is power, after all. And I also understand why telling the tale of overcoming a physical hardship is like a badge of honor.
However, there were a few women who shared their stories with me in a way that felt almost cruel. They didn’t do it to inform me what to be aware of or what to prepare for. They did it as a way of being mean, as if their negative experience needed to be everyone’s negative experience. Any time someone shared a story with me—good or bad—my response was, “Well, I only have so much control, but my plan is for as much ease as possible.” One coworker responded to this by telling me, “I didn’t go through thirty-six hours of hard labor and a C-section so you could have an easy and quick labor and delivery.” Honestly, it felt like she was trying to level a curse on me.
If you find yourself in the “family way” and there’s suddenly a line of women wanting to share their horror stories, remember it is more about them than it is about you. Labor and delivery don’t always go as planned, but that’s not a shortcoming on the person giving birth. The biggest challenge in the birthing process is to stay open to the flow of what your body needs and what your baby needs.
And I’m not gonna lie, the labor and delivery processes are also a bit scary. Physical pain is hard, and fear can make pain worse. Fear is the worst thing to hold on to when going through the process. A tool I used for my laboring was the recitation of a poem written by Jhenah Telyndru, founder of the Sisterhood of Avalon, from her book Avalon Within. She didn’t write this poem for labor and delivery, but it was (and still is) one of the most beautiful pieces of poetry I’ve read. It spoke to me on a really deep level. Reciting the words was a comfort.
To Part the Mists
By Jhenah Telyndru
The path to the top of the Tor
Is also the spiraled way to the woman within
A journey of growth, empowerment,
And self understanding
Voyage to the Source … the Center … the Goddess …
She whose Name can only be found in the silence of the soul
Delve into your darkness … enter your pain
Conquer your fears …
Call the Barge to take you
To the Holy Island of Healing which resides within …
And emerge renewed
The Mysteries of Avalon are alive
Her Apples are red and sweet …
Do you dare take a bite?
Become the Woman you were born to be …
Remember …
As the pain of labor felt too much to bear, I would recite this poem to distract my brain. It worked for a very long time, but eventually when the poem failed to distract me, I would repeat to myself, “This is only a moment in time.” This sentence helped me to remember the amount of time I would spend in the labor process would be very short indeed compared to the time of the rest of my life. The process of developing a chant can be incorporated into any birth blessing ritual.
My own birth blessing ritual was very simple and sweet. I didn’t know very many witchy women who had given birth, so I invited the women who were closest to me to attend my ritual. Each person was asked to bring an item I could place on an altar in the hospital room. We created sacred space and then one of the priestesses of the ritual led us on a guided meditation where we visualized ease in labor, swiftness in delivery, safety for me and my baby, and deftness in medical staff. We then shared food, and each woman shared what their altar item was and why they brought it. It was a beautiful day.
My labor and delivery were very easy and fast, in the scheme of things. My hard labor, pushing and all, was a total of almost two hours. It was as I planned and desired. I do believe my ritual, chanting, and meditation in my birth blessing helped the flow of my labor. But I was also prepared for it to not go my way, and I was willing to do things differently if needed.
Birth Blessings
A birth blessing can be done in combination with a more traditional baby shower. However, a birth blessing focuses more on the healthy process of labor and birthing. Ideally, birth blessings take place with those who have given birth in attendance to help guide the pregnant person into their next phase.
A baby shower incorporated with a birth blessing is a unique opportunity where you can use the energy of all the people assembled to help create an easeful labor and delivery. People who attend a baby shower want to see the mother safe, the baby healthy, and the partner cool and supportive throughout the labor and delivery process. Having a room full of supportive and encouraging people is good magick! Take advantage of that.
A birth blessing ritual can be done covertly so that no one would suspect it is actually Witchcraft. Conversely, you can create a birth blessing so witchy that it might make some of your open-minded relatives uncomfortable. The choice is yours. What is important from the ritual of birth blessing is collecting the power of ease and health to support bringing new life physically into the world.
Birth Blessing for Witches, Pagans, and the Open-Minded
This ritual is written for a baby shower gathering of folks who are either Witches and Pagans themselves or are open-minded to participating in a ritual. The sacred space creation has been left vague and open. Please create sacred space in your favorite way or in a way that would be pleasing to the person who will be experiencing labor and delivering the baby.
This ritual should be led by the party host or a friend or family member. The person who will be going into labor should not lead this ritual; they should get to rest, propped up and comfortable in a seat of honor.
On top of the regular gifts that may be requested at a baby shower, encourage participants to bring altar items that would be safe and allowed at a hospital or birthing center. These items should be selected carefully with the intentions of ease, health, and smooth transition as the baby is born.
Supplies: A large rose quartz crystal, guests’ ritual objects, body markers, and a comfortable place for the pregnant person to sit.
Set Up: Create an altar with all the gifts on the table, the crystal in the middle, and the pregnant person nearby. If there are any other objects important to creating sacred space in your tradition or by your preference, have those items available on the altar space too.
Ritual: Create sacred space as you desire. Call in any deities and/or ancestors you may want to help support this work. Ideally, all pieces of creating sacred space will be shared with the participants.
Ritual Leader should invite participants to ground and find their center, then invite each participant to briefly share the object they brought for the altar and why they brought it.
When this is complete, Ritual Leader should pass the crystal around the room. Participants should be encouraged to hold the crystal in their hands for a few moments, whisper blessings to it, and send energy into it that the laboring person can use when they need reserves to pull on.
At the same time, participants waiting to receive the crystal are invited to come up to the pregnant person and write a blessing for health and ease on their body (with permission) wherever the person wants to be written on. Symbols can be drawn, words written, or simple hearts placed on their skin. The people drawing symbols should share positive labor stories and verbal blessings to the pregnant one.
This will all take some time. As people finish up offering their blessings, shift into a song of your choosing or the following chant:
Healthy mother
Healthy babe
Easy labor
For grace we’ve prayed
Let the chant go on until voices come to stillness on their own. Gather up the ritual items that have been shared and offer them to the new family. Open the sacred space and celebrate the rite with cake!
New Child Showers
In our modern world, it is common to have a party before a baby or adopted child is brought home in order to celebrate the rite of passage, but this party also helps the new parents have enough stuff to take care of a baby’s needs. Having a child is expensive; the gifts received from a baby shower can ease some of the financial squeeze.
Baby showers are often thought of as events for women, but more often than not, a woman isn’t going through the event of having a baby on her own. Including partners and co-parents in a shower allows for all the lives going through this transition to be a part of the celebration.
A baby shower can take place for any family transition where a new child is coming into the fold. A baby shower can be for a child of any age. The following ritual is for folks who may not want a fully witchy ritual. It can be used for a new baby, a pregnancy, or an adopted child. This ritual should take place before the child arrives.
New Child Blessing Ritual for Everyone
This ritual can be used for any baby shower, no matter who is in attendance. At a traditional baby shower the mother-to-be rarely hosts the event. Typically, a friend or relative plays party host and organizes the day. This ritual is written for the host (or other representative) to lead. The words of this ritual do not need to be memorized or read from the book. They are meant as inspiration and a place to begin. Please use your own words to craft this ritual. This ritual is written for two expectant parents but can easily be adjusted.
Supplies: Three-by-five notecards, pens of different colors, and a small box to keep the cards in.
Set Up: Have all the supplies out and ready to use. If it is a large gathering, you may need to invite extra guests to help pass out objects as they are needed.
Ritual: Ritual Leader will speak to the attendees about the idea of a new child blessing, explaining the goal is to heap blessings upon the soon-to-be parents and the child coming into their lives.
Ritual Leader: “I invite you all to take a big deep breath together. Let’s all feel the excitement of this new life that will be with us soon. What a blessing it is for us all to be together today to celebrate this moment. Let’s look at the expecting parents and again, let’s all breathe together. What blessings would you offer this soon-to-be new family? What blessings would you offer for ease and a smooth transition?”
Ritual Leader and helpers now begin to pass out the three-by-five cards and colored pens.
Ritual Leader: “I invite each of you to share your blessings for the expectant parents by writing them down on these cards. We will each have the opportunity to share these with the expecting parents. Know that as you share your blessing, it will be magnified by each person in this room hearing that blessing and adding their own prayer and intention to it.”
Give space for attendees to write blessings. People are likely to start talking, laughing, or shifting energy during this part. When people begin to get distracted, Ritual Leader should call people back into focus and move to the next part of the ritual.
Ritual Leader: “Please stand up and share your blessings for these expectant parents, their new child, and this birth.”
Allow people time to share their blessings and as they do, collect the cards into the small box. When all participants have shared their blessings and all the cards have been collected, hold up the box.
Ritual Leader: “Inside this box are all our blessings. Let’s breathe together again, sending one final prayer of ease, love, health, and smooth transition into these blessings, amplifying their energy.”
Ritual Leader should then give the box of blessings over to the person(s) expecting and move on to the next part of the baby shower.
Baby Blessings
New parents want the very best for their children. This starts as soon as they are born. Around the same time Wiccans and Pagans started using the term handfasting to refer to Pagan marriage rituals, the term Wiccaning came into usage as well.
Many folks will be familiar with the concept of a christening; it is a baby blessing that marks the new baby as a member of the church. A Wiccaning is a similar ritual, except rather than marking the baby as a Wiccan or Witch, the process is a generic ritual that introduces the child’s spirit to the parent’s gods, with the caveat that the child will be able to choose their own spiritual path when the time comes.
When a baby is born, there are often many more people involved than just the parents. There are likely to be family and friends that want to offer their own magick and blessings to the new life. For many people, there is also a desire to do this in a way that connects into your spiritual leaning as a parent.
One of the things that happens during a christening is the designation of godparents. These are the people that are taking on responsibility for the spiritual guidance and well-being of the child. A godparent is signing up to be involved with the child for the rest of their lives. The true spiritual significance of this role is pretty serious. This role of spiritual guide has been added to some of the older Wiccaning rituals, where “goddess parents” were assigned to the child during the ritual. The role of a goddess parent, much like that of a godparent, is to help guide the spiritual growth of the child.
In truth, taking on this role and asking someone to take on this role is a big responsibility. This part of a baby blessing is not included in the rituals below, but you can add them into your rituals if you so choose. We encourage you to take this potential relationship very seriously. This is forging a spiritual bond that will last many years. Even if the adults in the relationship fall out of favor with each other, the spiritual bond is still there. Choose wisely.
It is also important to note these rituals are not meant to bring the baby “into the Pagan fold.” That’s not really what we do; most Pagans and Witches give their children a wide berth when it comes to spiritual paths. Rarely do Pagans force religion on their children, understanding how personal religion is and wanting our children to have a choice when it comes to how they practice and relate to their spiritual life.
It’s also important to remember the story of the Thirteenth Fairy when planning out a baby blessing ritual. Many are familiar with the Thirteenth Fairy as the story of Sleeping Beauty. A royal child is born and the king and queen invite the fairies to come and bless the baby. However, the Thirteenth Fairy never receives her invite. She is offended at the rebuff and shows up to the party anyway. Her gift is a curse against the child.
The moral of the story: be cautious and aware of who you invite and who you don’t to any ritual involving the blessings of children. Make sure only those folks who wish you well and care about you deeply are invited to a baby blessing ritual. Don’t invite a friend or coworker because you feel obligated. This is a place where obligation and niceness can take a back seat. If you wouldn’t trust someone to take care of your baby in a pinch, really consider if they need to be invited to your baby blessing ritual.
Baby Blessing Ritual: Small Group of Witches
Ideally, this ritual would be performed during the first month after the baby is born. However, this isn’t always possible. The next best threshold is before three months. Three months is a common timeline in many magickal traditions because it is believed that this is when the child first starts to fully incorporate into their body. This ritual can be done at any time and during any moon phase.
If this ritual can be performed outdoors that is best, but indoors will work just fine. The ritual is written for a small group that are all Pagans, Witches, or open-minded. You will need an altar space. The parents may choose to lead this ritual, or they may invite someone else to lead the ritual.
Supplies: Blessed water, a bowl of salt, incense, a wand, a seven-inch candle, string, and beads. In addition to these items, have an additional bowl of salt water handy with a sprig of rosemary.
Set Up: Place all items on the altar, which should be placed in the center of the space. Participants should sit or stand in a circle around the altar. A parent should hold the baby throughout the ritual.
Ritual: When everyone is gathered together, use the rosemary to sprinkle salt water on all the participants, including the baby. This is a cleansing.
Ritual Leader steps up to the altar, picks up the wand, and uses it to create a circle around the ritual space. Ritual Leader says, “With this wand I bind the circle.”
Ritual Leader sets the wand down and picks up the salt. They sprinkle that around the edge of the circle. Ritual Leader says, “With this salt I ground the circle.”
Ritual Leader sets down the salt and picks up the incense, lighting it. They walk around the perimeter with the smoke. Ritual Leader says, “With this smoke I charge the circle.”
Ritual Leader sets down the incense and picks up the candle, lighting it. They walk around the perimeter of the circle. Ritual Leader says, “With this candle I enliven the circle.”
Ritual Leader sets down the candle and picks up the blessed water. They walk around the perimeter of the circle, sprinkling the edges, but not using it all. Ritual Leader says, “With this water I bless the circle.”
Ritual Leader returns the blessed water to the altar. They speak to the parent(s) and the gathered guests. Ritual Leader says, “We are here to offer blessings for this new human being. We are all present because we represent an important person in the life of this child. It is an honor to be here and one that I hope we will all take seriously as the life of this being unfolds before us all. Before we move on to offer our own blessings for this child, we first call upon the guides and allies.”
A preselected participant steps forward to call upon the ancestors of the baby as a means of blessing, strength, and health. They end their spoken calling with the words “Blessed be” and all participants repeat the words “Blessed be.”
A second preselected participant steps forward to call upon the allies of the baby as a means of blessing, protection, and love. They end their spoken calling with the words “Blessed be” and all participants repeat the words “Blessed be.”
A third preselected participant steps forward to call upon any of the deities of the family unit. These would need to be predetermined before the ritual begins.
Ritual Leader steps to the altar and invites the parent(s) and baby to step up to the altar. Ritual Leader says, “Who brings forth this child for blessings from the community?”
Parent(s): “I do.”
Ritual Leader: “What name has the child been given?”
Parent(s) respond with the child’s name.
Ritual Leader: “We offer the blessings of the elements, spirits, and ourselves. We do this by understanding the spiritual path of (name) is their own path which will unfold in their own way.”
Ritual Leader picks up the salt and hands the bowl to a parent. Ritual Leader says, “We give (name) the blessing of earth. May you be held in strength, balance, and protection.”
A parent places a grain of salt on the child’s tongue. Ritual Leader takes the bowl of salt and returns it to the altar. They then pick up the incense and hand that to a parent. Ritual Leader says, “We give (name) the blessings of air. May you be held in confidence, clarity, and song.”
A parent runs the incense smoke over the child. Ritual Leader takes the incense and returns it to the altar. They then pick up the candle and hand it to their parents. Ritual Leader says, “We give (name) the blessing of fire. May you be held in curiosity, love, and power.”
One of the parents carefully moves the candle around the child, keeping the candle far enough away that there is no concern of flame or hot wax being an issue. Ritual Leader takes the candle and returns it to the altar. They then pick up the blessed water and hand it to a parent. Ritual Leader says, “We give (name) the blessing of water. May you be held in wisdom, grace, and intuition.”
A parent sprinkles the child with the blessed water. Ritual Leader takes the bowl of water and returns it to the altar.
Ritual Leader: “Now we each have the opportunity to offer a personal blessing to (name).”
Ritual Leader passes out the beads, giving each of the participants one of them to hold. They then pick up the string and tie a knot in on one end while saying, “Take a moment to consider what blessing you would offer this being. What gift feels important to bestow on this child as they embark on their life? Take a moment to choose the blessing you will give and breathe that blessing into the bead in your hand.”
Ritual Leader leaves some space for people to consider their blessing. Suggest a few different ways to connect the blessing with the bead: energetically imbuing the blessing into the bead, breathing it into the bead, whispering the blessing to the bead, etc.
Ritual Leader: “I invite you to step forward and state your blessing to (name) while you add your bead on to the string.”
Each participant steps forward, stating their blessing to the baby and putting their bead on the string. When everyone has offered their blessings, Ritual Leader ties the string and says, “It is through the power of community that (name) will be guided and protected. It is through the magick of our offerings and blessings that this child will be held. May their path lead them to health, happiness, and delight. Blessed be.”
Ritual Leader places the string of beads around the child. They can be placed around the child’s body or foot, depending on what is safest for the baby.
The person who called to any deities steps forward, thanks them, and dismisses them from the ritual. The person who called to any of the child’s allies steps forward, thanks them, and dismisses them from the ritual. The person who called to any ancestors steps forward, thanks them, and dismisses them from the ritual.
Ritual Leader picks up the wand from the altar and pulls open the circle that was created, as if pulling back a curtain. When the energy has dissipated, Ritual Leader says, “This circle is open, but unbroken. May the power of these blessings go ever in our hearts. Merry meet and merry part, and merry meet again.”
Baby Blessing Ritual for Everyone
This ritual is written so anyone of any faith (or no faith) can attend. If there is a need to leave Paganism out of a ritual, this is the one to use. Those “in the know” will spot the Witchcraft elements, but it will work for families of all faiths or for those more closed-minded. This ritual is appropriate for inviting the larger community of friends and family. It is best to have someone stand in as a Ritual Leader for this ritual. This could be a leader in your community, a family member, or a close family friend. This ritual can be performed at any time.
Supplies: A bowl of blessed water and a seven-inch white candle.
Set Up: Have a space where the parents and child can gather with Ritual Leader. Set up chairs for the viewing audience. Place the bowl of water and the candle in the center of a small table as an altar.
Ritual: Guests should be seated in the audience chairs. Parent(s), child, and Ritual Leader stand in front of the assembled group.
Ritual Leader: “We have come together today as the family, friends, and loved ones of this family. Today we offer blessings of love, abundance, joy, and health to this new human that has come into the world. Each of us are here because we are an important member of the community that supports this family. I invite you all to remember that participating in this blessing today is a sacred vow that you are making to this child. A vow that you support their success. A vow that you love them. A vow that you will help them to foster the best life possible. Thank you for being here and thank you for upholding that sacred vow.
“We also call upon those that cannot be with us here today. Our beloveds who are far away. Our loved ones who have passed away. Our friends who are here with us in spirit. We honor you and are grateful for your presence.”
Ritual Leader lights the candle.
Ritual Leader: “I will now invite the parent(s) of this child to introduce this new spirit to the community.”
Parent(s) step forward and hold the child, showing them to the gathered audience. A parent says, “Please welcome (name) into your lives.”
Ritual Leader picks up the bowl of water and turns to the family. Sprinkling the child’s head with some of the water, Ritual Leader says, “We offer blessings on this day to (name). May you find joy everywhere you look. May you find peace when you need it. May you find success in all that you work toward. May you find love anywhere you seek it.”
Ritual Leader turns to the gathered audience and says, “A child is raised by all those people who touch their life. It is more than a parent who holds influence on the development of a young person. At this time, we invite any of you who feel called to bless this child.”
Ritual Leader holds the bowl of blessed water for anyone that comes up to offer a blessing. This may take some time. Before moving on, Ritual Leader makes one last call for anyone else who may want to offer a blessing to the child.
Ritual Leader, holding the bowl of blessed water, sprinkles the child once more. Ritual Leader says, “I offer this blessing on behalf of those who could not be with us today.”
Ritual Leader sets down the bowl of blessed water and invites the family to sit down. Ritual Leader says, “(Name) is blessed because of each of you. As we go forth today, let us each remember these blessings and do our best to see them come to pass for the highest good of all. Brightest of blessings to you. Blessings on this day and blessings on (name). And so it is.”
Loss of Pregnancy
Not all pregnancies make it to full term, and not all babies survive. Whether the pregnancy ended by choice, medical necessity, or unknown causes, it is a painful and difficult rite of passage to go through. Not all rites of passage are markers of happy events, which does not make them any more or less valid. A change in life is a change in life. Mourning the loss of a pregnancy at any stage is still mourning.
Our society makes it much easier to be open and transparent about the happy and joyful rites we go through, but it is so much harder to be open and vulnerable with the hardships and challenging moments we go through. For the most part, people invite others in to help honor their celebrations. However, people often mourn and go through their hardships privately. For more information on grief and death, see chapter 6.
Miscarriage
Miscarriage happens more frequently than many folks imagine. According to Mayo Clinic, between 10 percent and 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. In actuality, miscarriage numbers are likely a little higher than that because some happen during menstruation before pregnancy is detected.8
Miscarriages are the spontaneous termination of a pregnancy, usually due to chromosomal abnormalities preventing the fetus from developing as it should. It is rarely ever the fault of the pregnant person.
Those are the facts. The facts aren’t all that comforting. The facts don’t take into consideration the loss and the grief that accompany miscarriage. Beyond the physical symptoms, there is often a sense of tremendous loss. Often there’s a sense of betrayal by the universe, science, the gods, and our very own bodies. Miscarriage, as common as it is, feels like a cruel and unwelcomed joke.
Rituals for miscarriage are hard. They tend to be private because folks rarely want to talk about miscarriage and no one wants to go through this rite of passage. The following ritual must be adapted for the circumstances of the moment. We’re giving the scantest of details and suggestions and including a beautiful, haunting poem that can be read aloud and offered as a prayer.
When all are gathered, form a close circle around the people most impacted by the miscarriage. This could be the formerly pregnant person, parents who were going to adopt, or would-be siblings.
Supplies: Favorite drinks and/or food and warm, soft blankets.
Set Up: Create a space that is comfortable and welcoming. Make sure the individual going through the physical miscarriage feels safe and as comfortable as possible. Make the individual comfortable. Bring calming and soothing teas. Bring their favorite foods. Tend a fire, turn on a heater, and make the room warm. Leave a door ajar or a window slightly open. This is a place for the spirits of life and death to move in and out of.
Ritual: Perhaps others share their stories of miscarriage. Perhaps there is hand-holding. Perhaps names of those not-to-be are spoken aloud, mourned, and keened over. Perhaps there’s just silence. Perhaps there is a simple acknowledgment of lives not destined to be lived, of dreams and hopes that will not be fulfilled just now.
Tears are likely. Anguished wails may follow. Sobs and curses shouted to the heavens may fill the room. In this space, in this moment, for this ritual, let them ring out.
In the stillness that follows, these words may be read:
For A Miscarriage or Stillbirth Or Infant Death
By Starhawk
Mother of life,
Mother of death,
here is a spirit so new
that the gates of life and death
are just an archway in her dancing ground.
She has danced her way back to you.
Her passage is easy
but mine is hard.
I wanted to hold her living flesh
and feel her soft breath and her heartbeat.
(I nurtured her in my body;
I would have fed her from my breasts.)
I would have cared for her
and watched her first steps
and listened for her voice.
No other child that may come to me
will ever be what she would have been.
Nothing, nobody, will ever replace her.
Whatever healing I may find,
this loss will always be a part of me.
(Bless my womb, which has the power
to create life and death.)
Bless my arms
that would have embraced her.
Bless my hands that would have lifted her.
The poem uses she/her pronouns. He/him or they/them may be substituted. The power of the piece is not in its use of pronouns, but in the heartfelt acknowledgment of loss, pain, and grief. Likewise, “Bless my hands” could easily be changed to “Bless our hands,” and so on.
Bring the ritual to a close as feels appropriate, making sure the individual going through the physical experience is well cared for and has a comfortable place to sleep.
Abortion
The decision to end a pregnancy, whether due to choice or medical necessity, is rarely easy. Aside from the fact that this can be a difficult emotional decision, it is also a painful medical procedure. There are so many complicated and challenging feelings that come up with the decision to terminate a pregnancy. One of the most important steps a person can take when facing this choice is to reach out for support. Of course, reaching out for support sounds great, but most people who have had an abortion or have considered an abortion will tell you they agonized over the decision alone before ever talking to anyone else.
While abortion is still legal in the United States, in many areas of the country it’s practically impossible for folks to get the care and support they need. Fortunately, there are resources available online. Many organizations work tirelessly to dispel myths about pregnancy termination and provide solid, unbiased, educational, real medical information and aftercare.
You have a choice, and you can end a situation that may be disastrous for your life. It’s okay to feel relieved. And it is okay to be filled with grief and loss. If you are deep in grief, there are rituals that may be helpful for you in chapter 6. There is also a ritual for grief in that section that may be helpful for processing some of feelings that might come up with abortion.
Abortion: A Story by Gwion
I was thirty-four. She was nineteen. We held hands and walked into the abortion clinic for the appointment. I was scared. She was petrified. I stayed with her through the entire procedure. She never let go of my hand. Afterward, we sat in silence. I carried her to the car. When we arrived at her apartment, she asked me to make a little nest on the sofa with blankets and pillows and tissues and painkillers. I offered to stay. She asked me to leave. A few days later she came back to work. We never spoke about it.
To be transparent, I had nothing to do with this pregnancy. I was not the father. We were not intimate partners. We worked together. I saw the hurried trips to the bathroom and the telltale “green at the gills” look of morning sickness. I noticed the obvious and sudden absence of her boyfriend in the parking lot at lunch and after her shift.
Her parents raised her to be a “good girl.” Church on Sundays, abstinence sermons, and a healthy fear of hell substituted for real education and frank conversations about sex and birth control and consequences. She couldn’t tell her parents she was pregnant, and telling them she wanted an abortion was completely out of the question.
Her boyfriend was as unprepared for their pregnancy as she was. The words “Are you sure it’s mine?” tumbled out of his mouth without thought for what he was suggesting. And in the next few moments, shocked, confused, and too concerned with his own future, he did what so many other men do: he abdicated his responsibility. He just didn’t want to know. He said, “Do whatever you think is best.”
In that moment, and in so many words, he said, “It’s your choice.” She confided in me that she knew he wouldn’t marry her. There was no way he’d go to her parent’s house with the news. In a swirl of confusion and clarity, she knew that he was still planning on accepting his baseball scholarship and attending college out of state. There would be no couple’s childbirth classes or accompanied doctor visits. No support. It was completely up to her. Her choice.
And so she made her choice.
Let me be frank with you. If you’re a cisgender dude you won’t ever have to make the choice she made. You might be consulted, maybe asked for your opinion. But when it comes to getting on the bed and putting legs in stirrups, that won’t be you. No matter how willing you are to be a stand-up guy, you always have the choice to walk away. Sure, there’s a cost to your choice; child support is no joke. Imagine how you’d feel if your choice to call it quits, walk away, and just pay a monthly fee was suddenly taken away and you were forced to stay with someone you’d just made a mistake with. That would suck, wouldn’t it?
Imagine what it’s like not to have a choice.
Speak up, gents. You might not realize it, but this is your fight too. Join the chorus of mostly women’s voices. Declare it loudly. Protect a woman’s right to safe, legal, accessible, affordable abortion and safe, legal, accessible, affordable forms of birth control.
Abortion as a Rite
Having an abortion is a rite of passage, and it is not one all people will experience. Not everyone can say that they have been pregnant, and not everyone that has been pregnant can say that they’ve lost a pregnancy. The rite of passage of becoming pregnant is present here, as is the rite of passage of losing that pregnancy. You are changed after going through the termination of a pregnancy, both physically and spiritually. You may not feel called to mark the transition with a ritual, but for many, ritualization of this shift is vital to having a healthy relationship with the loss.
There are two steps to the ritual for abortion. The first is before the medical procedure; the second is in the recovery time. Keep in mind the process of grief will not just abate once you complete this ritual. Sitting with your grief and going through your feelings with this loss may come up for many years to come. There is nothing wrong with that grief.
There is nothing wrong with a lack of grief either. You may feel totally relieved, happy, and clear about moving forward. This doesn’t mean you are cruel or a cold person. It means the timing wasn’t right and you made a good decision.
Pre-Procedure: Before your medical appointment, take some time to speak with the spirit who has come into your life. Let the spirit know you are grateful for their interest and the opportunity, but the time is not right. Express to the spirit why the time isn’t right for you. Offer them a blessing and let them know that you will be sending them on their way. Depending on your emotional state, this could be a very easy process, or it could be extremely emotional and difficult. Make sure you have enough support as you go through it. If you are having an intense emotional reaction and find yourself really struggling, seek help from friends and loved ones or a therapist.
Before leaving for the procedure, draw the runes Laguz, Uruz, and Algiz on your body. You can do this with a body marker or eyeliner. Place the symbols anywhere on your body that feels comfortable for you. These runes are symbols for flow, strength, and protection. As you draw them on, focus on health and healing.
Post-Procedure: The post-procedure process is about healing yourself, body, mind, and spirit. Although abortion is a relatively routine medical procedure, it isn’t an easy one. You may need several days to take it slow, relax, and heal. Use this time to be introspective. Journal about what comes through for you during this time. If possible, spend at least three days removed from your regular schedule. At the very least, make sure that you follow your doctor’s guidelines. When it is safe and advised for you to bathe, gently wash off any of the markings from the runes that may remain on your body.