I’m now going to treat you to a little background regarding the band I played in. Between June 2003 and March 2004, we were almost as big as Dolly Parton’s tits. I make that nine months in total, which is apt, because though many critics saw us as a musical Jaffa (artificial, tasteless, airbrushed and garish), we somehow managed to impregnate the nation. In the process, we earned ourselves three Brits, an MTV Europe breakthrough award, a chart-topping multi-million-selling album, numerous Kerrang! and Metal Hammer accolades, four Ivor Novello Songwriter of the Year statuettes and, last but not least, a steaming Christmas number two.
For the sake of anyone out there who still isn’t quite sure what’s going on, I’ve decided to be precise from now on. I’m going to start by quoting a German band bio, courtesy of one of those online search engine translators:
Facts: Pitch name: Justin Hawkins (Vocals, Guitar, Synthesizer)
Dan Hawkins (Guitar)
Frankie Poullain (bass)
OD Graham (Drums)
Star bio: Justin Hawkins buildup in Suffolk Town, Lowestoft. Already in recent years he often entrenchd in his room and practiced for hours on its guitar. It was condemned good, but its small brother Dan was still better. The two began to play in a Coverband – with Dan as Leadsaenger.
1997 went to Justin to the university to Huddersfield. Its brother Dan pulled to London, on which search for volume, in which he could find its place. In London it met Frankie Poullain, a Scot living in the exile, who originates and stated from a family from adventurers, its father is Pirat in west India and his brother luck knight. Soon Justin and Frankie a dwelling divided into Shepherd’s Bush. Few time wimmelte later it in its dwelling regularly from around-pulling musicians, who went past for Jamsessions. Justin and Dans school buddy OD Graham, a schlagzeuger, mostly went past on the weekends. Under the name ‘Empire’ created the brothers as well as Frankie progressive skirt volume, whose sound under Justins became ever harder guidance, so that the original Leadsaenger finally left the volume.
The brothers Hawkins had to fall now a decision: Was those worth volume it to make further? They should receive the answer with the Sylvesterfeier to the new millennium: The brothers made themselves on the way back after Norfolk, in order to celebrate in the Pub of their aunt the turn of the year.
Justin participated there with the Karaokewettbewerb, sang ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and put down an unbelievable performance with skirt star floats and everything which to it belonged. Dan was impressed by the undreamt-of star qualities of its large brother and saw the future. First man which they called thereafter, was Frankie, which made itself immediately from Venezuela on the way, in order to play again in that volume. As the second they called OD, which its volume left, in order them again to follow – THE DARKNESS were born.
It’s an ideal way to cut through PR gibberish, as these online translators specialise in unearthing secret truths (and generously shaving 10 years off my age). An Italian Wikimedia entry begins enigmatically: ‘Frankie Poullain (name of art by Francis Poullain Gilles-Patterson) (Edinburgh, April 15 1977) is a bassist British, famous for its militancy in Darkness.’ Before coming straight to the point: ‘Frankie was riconosciblissimo for his image: had style mustache “beaver”, had a bandana and a look wrong.’
