Contents

Title Page

Epigraph

Mindsweeper: An Introduction By My Polish Cleaner

How To Eat Shit

How To Forgive A Bad Father

How To Disrespect A Good Mother

How To Envy Your Brothers

How To Live With Scrooge

How To Talk To People Nobody Talks To

How To Think Inside The Box

How To Do It Till You Go Blind

How To Misplace Loyalty

How To Bottom Feed

How To Plan Spontaneity

How To Become Progressively More Embarrassing

How To Excel In What You’re Not Good At

How To Be A Tour Guide With No Sense Of Direction

How To Get Into The Closet

How To Google Yourself Silly

How To Marry Vocation And Desperation With Best Man Balls

How To Be A Bass Player With No Sense Of Rhythm

How To Dine Out On A Beating

How To Write A Summer Smash In A Cold, Damp Bed-Sit

How To Pleasure Humanity Inappropriately

How To Make A Tit Of Yourself

How To Tarnish The Dog’s Bollocks

How To Make NME Your Enemy

How To Lock Yourself In Prison

How To Learn What You Really Think

How To Enjoy Hangovers More Than Getting Drunk

How To Bring A Bad Joke To Life

How To Blow The Dream Gig

How To Invent Bad Karma

How To Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth

How To Teach Someone a Lesson You’ll Never Forget

How To Present An Award To A Band You Don’t Like

How To Crash In Tinsel Town

How To Clone The Gene Of Misfortune

How To Lose Sight Of Yourself

How To Go From Chateau To Shit-hole

How To Dance in the Darkness

Conclusion: Everything The World Has To Offer Is Best Experienced With An Inappropriate Mindset

How To Take Happiness Lightly

How To Pick A Fight With A Word

How to Tell the Truth Badly

Epilogue: How To Clean Up Shit

Copyright