Being in a successful band, it’s easy to fall in love with yourself. Are you doing what you’re doing to make people happy or to feed your ego? I suppose you could say we wanted to feed our egos by accidentally making a few million people happy. My publisher hopes this glorified toilet book gives you a few other examples of how to do the best things accidentally.

In the course of cultivating a handlebar moustache, I accidentally made Scotland the most famous country in the world. And then, as you’ll discover, I fell out with the singer and accidentally saved myself from the second-album disaster. As Shakespeare might have said: ‘’Tis better to flash dance for a short time than be a limping ballerina in the theatre of eternity.’

I’ve learned that everything boils down to doing things inappropriately – whether paying compliments to ugly ladies or encouraging people to laugh at and ridicule you. An inappropriate action is usually the first idea that comes to your brain, the one that we normally never reveal to anybody because humanity likes to cage impulsive behaviours. You don’t believe me? How many times have you heard somebody saying, ‘This is just not right,’ but still carry on enjoying it?

To do things appropriately, you need to think about it first – and in doing so you lose the spontaneity. Moreover, what’s appropriate usually has less impact and is always less fun. Right now, I’m sure that I’ll only manage to entertain you for the duration of this book if I also write about the ‘wrong’ things. So here goes…