The Tools at Work: The Test Drives
Our goal in writing this book was that you would take away at least an idea or two that you can use immediately in your negotiations with your kids, and others that might be useful down the road. We hope that the “Stories from Home” throughout the book have provided reassurance that, despite the unique nature of our relationships with our individual kids, we all share in many of the same struggles as we navigate these tricky moments at each age and stage. (Our experiences are also largely shaped by the fact that we’re all living in the same society and raising kids at the same moment in time—stories collected from our grandparents’ generation would probably read very differently!) Broadly speaking, we hope that your toolbox is now more full than it was, and that you know how to reach for a variety of tools instead of always repeating whatever default responses were most common to you in the past. In other words, we hope that your “return on experience” in reading this book is meaningful, and your next negotiations with your child will be improved by seeing it through new perspectives.
To put these tools into practice in real situations, we asked volunteers to read a chapter, test drive an idea, and then share their experience. We summarize each chapter below and then share their stories.
WHAT’S DIFFERENT ABOUT A NEGOTIATION AT HOME?
Chapter 1 Summary
Negotiations are not limited to formal business exchanges. We negotiate regularly, even daily or hourly, with our children. We aren’t always going to negotiate well, so learning from our experiences is instrumental in developing an effective skill set. This is made harder by the fact that it’s difficult to transfer skills in one setting (like at work) to another one (like your negotiations at home), and the fact that negotiations with kids have both immediate and long-term implications. There isn’t just one way to negotiate, or even a right way, so there are choices available for navigating each of these situations for success.
Idea to Test Drive (by the mother of an eight-year-old): Not every conversation is a negotiation, but more are than it initially seems, and each is a chance to teach and learn something.
Background: Negotiations with my daughter are usually guided by my future aspirations, instead of any immediate urgent needs. Intuitively, she and I know that I can just decide what we are going to eat, where we’re going to go, or what we’re going to do. Because I recognize this power inequity, negotiating with my daughter is primarily an exercise in negotiating with myself. When is it fair to use my power? When is it appropriate to outwit her and not feel guilty for knowing her weak alternatives to my proposals? If it is simple to get what I want from a negotiation, it truly makes me reflect upon why I’m so focused on a certain goal. Why is it that I think she should eat exactly what I’ve cooked? Do I have data to back up the idea that it is nutritious and better than a waffle? I usually negotiate for her side in my head, thinking of what her counter protests could be, and then I interrogate my own decision making before I ever present something to her.
What Happened: A recent bedtime negotiation had a small twist, which was that she was requesting to sleep with me. As we were visiting her grandparents’ house and the guest room had a double bed, the idea made sense as an alternative to her sleeping on a blowup mattress. I could easily have just agreed to her request, but I realized that this was a chance to negotiate and that by doing so we might both be happier. I knew that her wish (which I was willing to grant) could be used to negotiate an earlier bedtime. By presenting it as a concession to her in exchange for what I wanted, her early bedtime was attained without any fuss. I fully appreciate this simplicity now, and hope that it sets the stage for the time when negotiating with my daughter will get more complex and difficult.
Return on Experience: I’m hoping my more formal understanding of these interactions will continue to give me a leg up as her teenage emotions begin to enter the conversation—both because I am able to recognize the opportunities that present themselves for negotiations and can use a framework to tackle them, and because she and I will have been negotiating this way for years.
Chapter 2 Summary
Success at the negotiating table is largely the result of the time spent preparing beforehand. The three questions (asked twice) are designed to get you into the right headspace, to consider your goals and interests, and to put yourself in the shoes of everyone else involved in the negotiation, whether that be just one child or the entire family. Planning allows you to identify key issues that are deal-breakers, to understand what happens next if no agreement is reached, and to dig for the “why” behind each side’s requests.
Idea to Test Drive (by the father of a four-year-old and a seven-year-old): Plan ahead for a big and weighty negotiation.
Background: A major source of tension in our house is around our kids’ diets. They're very limited in what they eat, and we struggle to get them to try anything new. Over the years, we've tried various approaches to address the problem—mostly centered around creating incentives for trying new things—but we have almost always fallen back into a pattern of catering to their desires and ultimately reinforcing their bad habits, largely because of how harried our day-to-day is and our inability to be consistent in our approach. Unfortunately, it has now become a legitimate health concern, so we decided to take a more aggressive course of action. However, unlike most of our interactions on these issues (which are in the heat of the moment and emotional in nature), we took the time as a couple to plan our approach.
What Happened: We spent a few days thinking about and discussing the elements of the three-question checklist, as well as how we wanted to present it to our kids. Then we actually sat down with them at the dinner table and talked about it: why we were concerned, why addressing it was important for them, and what we were proposing. Because we had prepped, there wasn’t any of the usual whining or resistance. They could see that we were motivated by concern over their well-being and, even as young children, could recognize that our worries were well-founded once we explained them. So they went along with our proposal, and overall it was a good, healthy family conversation.
The big difference, however, has come about since then, largely because of the impact that preparation had on us. Because we had talked through our kids’ patterns of behavior and interests thoroughly, we’ve been much better prepared to respond to their pushback in a consistent, strategic way. Plus, because we are more unified in what we’re trying to achieve and why, we’ve been able to avoid the typical day-to-day emotional drama.
Return on Experience: By spending more time on planning, we’ve been able to make progress on a discrete parenting issue while also helping to build better, healthier habits as a family.
Chapter 3 Summary
The strategy you use is a choice. Relying on your power, falling back on the rules in your family, or generating insight through conversation are each viable approaches. The costs and consequences vary, so assessing how much time you have to address the situation and how important it is to you to hear your child’s perspective can help guide the best choice. These choices also need to be weighed against everyone’s need for fairness in what gets decided, how it gets decided, and how they feel they were treated.
Idea to Test Drive (by the father of a twelve-year-old): Move away from just using power or making rules to try and uncover the insights about the “why” for each side.
Background: Three weeks ago, I found out that my daughter and her two friends decided to plan a week-long trip to Spain to visit their friend who will be vacationing there with her family this summer. At first, I avoided discussing her plans with her. I am going through a divorce with her mother, and as I thought there was a very slim chance the trip would actually happen I didn’t want to introduce more conflict than necessary.
What Happened: After she pushed it a bit, I simply said “No.” I don’t have the extra money for an expensive trip, particularly with the divorce settlement in the background, and I really didn’t like the idea of sending my young daughter to another country to stay with people I didn’t know. I just went straight to my power and decided that this was not going to happen. She, of course, accused me of not caring about her, and she may have been right in that moment … I was really focused on my own interests (my dwindling finances).
However, things changed when her friends’ parents decided to send their daughters. After a phone call with them, I learned that not only were all of the other girls going, but the family hosting them was willing to pay all of their expenses. My daughter quickly asserted that since all I cared about was how expensive it was, I should have no objection as that issue was off the table.
I know that I tend to avoid conflict, and that I am particularly defensive these days as I feel I am in a near constant battle with my ex over these types of parenting decisions. However, now that the money part was off the table, I realized that I care deeply about my daughter and my primary concern was her safety. I know that I need to really focus on these everyday conversations to protect our relationship. This pushed me to have a “sit down” with her to talk about what was bothering me. I explicitly said that I wanted to hear why she wanted to go on this trip and that I hoped we could find a way to work through this. I admitted that my finances were tight but also that I was even more concerned about her safety (this was the first time my daughter would be traveling without me and would be so far away—on another continent). Beautiful girl that she is, she gave me a hug and said that there was an easy solution. We had been invited to a barbecue with the same families. Her mom was going to go, but she thought that I should go instead and have a chance to meet everyone. She wanted me to get to know her friends and their families, and she said that if I still wasn’t comfortable after doing so, she would decline the invitation this year and hope for another next year.
Return on Experience: My shift from making a yes-or-no decision and using my power to a discussion of what the problems were also led my daughter to shift from just thinking about herself to also thinking about how to address my concerns.
BEING BATTLE READY FOR THE EVERY DAY, EVERY KID TACTICS
Chapter 4 Summary
Your kids have been studying you for as long as you’ve known each other. They have already identified the easy routes to get you to acquiesce. As opposed to being truly manipulative, they are often just driven by their own needs and thus may not consider your perspective. They may pressure you by saying that “everyone else is doing it,” by repeatedly asking for things, or by positioning requests in certain ways that make them seem more reasonable. Changing the conversation to make them aware of what it is they are asking for and how this situation is different from others can help encourage a broader and more reasonable perspective.
Idea to Test Drive (by the father of a nine-year-old and a six-year-old): Asking for a lot of things may feel like separate requests to a kid, but can feel like one big negotiation to a parent. Pointing out the connection between requests by asking kids to prioritize what they want may help. In other words, everything can be “really important,” but not everything can be the “most important.”
Background: My older daughter has often had a number of “wants” (though to her they feel like “needs”). It has been difficult to discern one “need” versus another due to the sheer number of them, so my instinctual first response has always been to just say “no,” but then occasionally cave in later due to feeling guilty about always saying “no.” This has felt like an ineffective way to deal with her constant requests but I hadn’t taken the time to come up with an alternate strategy. It really appealed to me to try to structure the conversation with her around the idea of prioritizing her “needs.” This seemed like it would be a successful way to approach her because I would describe her, on the continuum of all children, as having a rational mindset.
What Happened: Upon requesting a set of dangly earrings for her recently pierced ears, I responded by saying that we don’t always get what we want and asked her to compare her desire for the earrings relative to some of her more recent requests, such as:
1)Her first sleepover,
2)More horseback riding lessons,
3)A scoop of our ice cream shop’s flavor of the day,
4)A necklace for sale at our neighborhood pool.
After some reflection on my request, she responded by saying that the sleepover and horseback riding lessons were much more important to her. This prioritization on her part seemed to change her perception as to how badly she really wanted the earrings. We talked about how she could ask for the earrings for her birthday or Christmas, but for the most part she seemed over it entirely.
Return on Experience: The ability to frame the level of importance of the request really seemed to resonate with my daughter, and is a strategy that I will continue to use going forward.
WE ARE ALL (PARENTS AND CHILDREN) PREDICTABLY IRRATIONAL
Chapter 5 Summary
We can and do get stuck in our thinking. How a discussion started, who is to blame, what we did last time, how important the issue is in the long run, imagining what might have happened, and being anchored by what comes first are all examples of decision-making biases that can affect the negotiations of both parent and child. Fortunately, by understanding these we can both create offers that are more appealing to our children and assess when we may not be thinking as clearly as we would like.
Idea to Test Drive (by the mother of a four-year-old and a one-year-old): The thing that gets said first in a negotiation is really important and can change what ends up getting decided in the end.
Background: This idea came in handy during our recent family cross-country road trip. With a four-year-old and one-year-old in the car, it was sixteen hours full of snacks, potty breaks, and more snacks. On our first day we decided to stop for lunch, at which time I went back and forth with my four-year-old on what he would like to eat. One fast-food place has the best fries, another has the best shakes, and so on. We went back and forth until (exasperated) I gave in and went to the nearest fast-food lunch spot, which left everyone feeling frustrated, less than satisfied, and mildly ill afterward (thank you, fried food and sugar).
What Happened: On the second day I got smarter. I looked ahead for a healthier lunch option, and instead of asking my four-year-old what he wanted, I said “we are stopping at a sandwich shop for lunch today. You can choose either a grilled cheese sandwich or a peanut butter and jelly, plus you can have an apple and a yogurt.” He chose and ate his meal, and when he was finished he asked if he could get some ice cream for a treat since he ate all of his healthy foods. I agreed that he had eaten a great lunch and therefore could have a treat, and we were both satisfied with this option. Best of all was that he seemed to feel like he was getting a great deal—a big lunch full of foods he liked! We both were a lot happier and enjoyed a much better lunch.
Return on Experience: The idea of anchoring and making the first offer whenever possible was especially helpful. With less uncertainty regarding lunch options, he also seemed much less frustrated. We both ended up making concessions, but were both much more satisfied the second day.
Chapter 6 Summary
Families are dynamic and our roles will vary. Two adults can work together as a team to build off of their different skill sets and perspectives. A parent may also be called upon to coach others (whether multiple kids or a parent and child) through a conflict by helping to create a conducive environment and a reasonable approach to solving problems. Sometimes a parent will need to step in as the judge and just decide what should happen.
Idea to Test Drive (by the mother of a fourteen-year-old and an eleven-year-old): Analyze how two parents play different roles during negotiations with their kids, and decide whether to try things differently.
Background: My husband and I have vastly different ways to approach situations in life. I am one who finds comfort in and thrives on being able to prepare for a situation, while he is able to take situations as they arise and better “rolls with the punches.” These differences in personality tend to lead to different parenting styles, decision making, and conflict resolution. With the kids, we may both be their parent, but I am the primary one in charge of the social, academic, and extracurricular events in their lives. We are not necessarily the model of “same page co-parenting” because we usually are NOT on the same page, but our strength is having this knowledge.
What Happened: We call one of our sons Mr. Social because of his extreme schedule. Due to my crazy work demands and my husband’s increased travel, our son is very aware that he needs to let me know what events he has going on well in advance, with all the details, if he wants to actually get to go to the party/football event/youth group fundraiser, etc. If it’s last minute on a day that is already packed with activities, I am extremely likely to say “no” to whatever it is, as I feel that I simply cannot add anything into my mental schedule on top of work schedules, dinner plans, home life, and the needs of others in my life. In these instances, we actually can use the “go ask your dad” strategy because my husband, by personality, is better able to figure out how to make something happen at the last minute. For example, just the other day, Mr. Social wanted to go to a swimming party at a friend’s house that is thirty to forty-five minutes away. It was a party that would require both drop-off and pick up. That same day I had major work demands and also needed to pick up my other son in the other direction, which would take hours in the car as it was. My knee-jerk response, as always, was just to say “NO” because I was overwhelmed and the logistics were too much for me to handle when I was already stressed out. After I told him to ask his dad, my husband was able to arrange a carpool system that allowed him to go.
Return on Experience: My son would have missed the party if it were up to me, but tagging it over to my husband allowed a cooler head, with fewer demands at that point in time, to sequence things out and find a solution that allowed him to have a life outside of my craziness. Using this option to help our day-to-day lives, and not just as a last resort, will be a good use of teamwork for us going forward.
Chapter 7 Summary
Our children text instead of talk and their messages are becoming briefer and less rich. Conflict is challenging to resolve in such an impoverished medium, but it has potential for helping to reach your children. Texting can give you an opportunity to connect emotionally in ways that might be more comfortable to them than face-to-face conversations and opens up times and places for conversations that are not otherwise available. But we need to choose the moments when communicating in this way is functional, and decide when it won’t do the job and we need to switch to another way.
Idea to Test Drive (by the mother of an eighteen-year-old, a sixteen-year-old, and a fourteen-year-old): Trying to use texting as a tool to connect with a child.
Background: My youngest daughter complains a lot about being unhappy at school. She has taken to texting me while at school (violating school code) and I used to refuse to answer, but now I’m trying to use it to help her, and to find common ground.
What Happened: Here’s the transcript of our recent conversation:
Child: Can you come and pick me up from school because I don’t want to be here
Mom: Nope, sry. Hang in there & watch the end of the movie
Child: I have subs all day
Mom: Uggg
Child: What if you pick me up at like 1
Mom: I’m working at noon. And no
Mom: Stay in school. Only a few full days left kiddo
Child: Words cannot DESCRIBE how much I hate this place
Mom: I know. Hang in there. Look for the good & you’ll find it
Child: Sounds fake but OK
Mom: (winking face with tongue sticking out emoji)
I texted my daughter here because she is not likely to see the positive in an uncomfortable environment. I didn’t feel like I was as positive as I would be in person, where I might have asked her to share three good things about her day (which would have been cumbersome in text messages—too much typing), but it was still a chance to connect with her when she needed to be encouraged. I used the emoji to try to lighten the tone, but maybe it was too snarky.
Return on Experience: Texts are limited, but as an addition and not a substitution for conversations, they are a tool I should use more often.
DON’T GET DERAILED BY EMOTIONS
Chapter 8 Summary
Nobody holds it together emotionally all of the time. Our own emotions can be as important to our negotiations with our kids as theirs are. Being tuned in to emotions, having the presence of mind to know when to step away, and being able to discuss emotions all help keep things on track. Consciously learning and trying to use active listening strategies work to focus on the problem and defuse the negative emotion.
Idea to Test Drive (by the mother of two ten-year-olds and a seven-year-old): Notice emotions and explain them to kids. Use active listening to better understand their emotions as well.
Background: We were on a family camping trip in a completely new setting. My daughter is highly responsible and independent, a classic first born (even if only by a few minutes—she’s the older twin). She’s also athletic and fast—I can’t keep up anymore! We were hiking and near the lodge when she needed the bathroom. She quickly mentioned it and started walking away, saying she’d be fine. I told her I’d go with her, and we’d meet up with her dad and brothers afterward. We walked ahead for a minute, and then she set off at a sprint, proclaiming she’d be fine and that she knew where to go. After climbing some stairs, I realized I could no longer see her and she was out of ear shot as well. There were two paths to choose from. At this point my parenting panic gene set in (exacerbated by my short and cold night’s sleep in a tent). I knew we were close to the lodge and knew in my brain she was likely fine but I was angry and upset that she would create such physical distance in entirely new surroundings.
What Happened: In reality, it was only about five minutes until we reunited at the lodge, but those minutes are long when you’re a frightened parent. When she approached me, my first instinct was to yell at her, scold her, and point my finger at her. Instead, I explained how upset I was, to help her understand that her actions had shown little consideration for how it feels to a parent to lose track of a child in the woods. Even if she’s ten, she’s still my baby and those moments when you think you might have lost your child are so scary. She immediately understood and instead of becoming defensive, she apologized. She became really quiet and knew that in that moment she needed to keep her emotions in check. She accepted her mistake (which is not typical) and simply hugged me and apologized again. Once she saw that I had calmed down and she knew she was forgiven, she explained her point of view, including her ability to find her way, her basic knowledge of the trail, how she followed the signs, and how she can move much faster than I can. I actively listened, empathized, and rephrased her point of view so she felt heard. But I also reiterated the importance of staying together in new surroundings, and how she would always be my baby despite her growing self and mature/responsible nature.
Return on Experience: This scenario could have derailed me for the day, but instead I chose to focus on my own feelings and convey these to my child as well as actively listen to her opinions. We recovered, emotionally, from this event rather quickly purely due to this change in approach. Instead of feeling drained from anger, sadness, and frustration, we moved on with our day.
MOVING BEYOND YOUR DEFAULTS IN RESOLVING CONFLICTS AND COMMUNICATING
Chapter 9 Summary
Resolving conflict requires negotiation. Although we often think about conflict as something negative to be avoided, sometimes it can be quite helpful to see new ideas, leverage different perspectives, and ultimately reach better outcomes. As opposed to always reacting the same way, there is power in being able to choose whether and when to accommodate your child’s preferences or insist on your own perspective, whether to avoid the situation entirely or compromise to reach a solution, or whether to put in the time to try and collaborate with each other. Spending time broadening your communication style can also provide you with a better chance of getting your messages through.
Idea to Test Drive (by the mother of an eight-year-old): Try different approaches for handling conflicts.
Background: I am a compromiser and an avoider, and so is my daughter. We are not usually stubbornly opposed and locking horns on a truly contentious issue, because we prioritize peace instead and tend to do whatever’s easiest. It seems that my goal in any negotiation with her is less about resolving a conflict of opinion, and is more about just getting out of the moment.
What Happened: A common negotiation she and I face is in regards to bedtime. Of course as a kid, her position is to stay awake as long as possible, and as a parent my position is for her to go to bed as early as possible so I can have some quiet time to myself. Previously, I would have simply started “high” with an early bedtime and expected that she and I would meet in the middle with a compromise. Or I might have avoided the entire discussion because I know part of the problem is her wanting to stay up to make sure she doesn’t miss out on any of the action going on in the house, so sometimes I can make the earlier bedtime happen just by quieting the whole house (of music, movies, phone calls, or visitors), and not have to engage with her in a negotiation at all. Or, I might have accommodated her request and just dealt with the later bedtime.
This time I decided to try out a different approach. Although I could use the parental power tactic and competitive style of “because you are a kid” to get her into bed, I favored instead appealing to her interests and a potentially more collaborative approach. I started by reminding her of the fun things she was going to do the next day, and how much more fun she has when she isn’t overtired. Then I suggested that she go to bed at our standard time (rather than staying up later on this summer evening), so that she would be rested for the big next day of activities she’s looking forward to. I framed the entire negotiation in terms of her interests, and so when the time came, a simple reminder of “ballet tomorrow” quickly helped me reach my target.
Return on Experience: By considering each of the five approaches, I realized I had more options than I had been aware of, and that this was an easy place to practice styles that neither of us is as comfortable with (particularly while she is so easy to work with).
We negotiate a lot with our kids, probably even far more than we realize. These negotiations are full of meaning, impact, and long-term implications. Though negotiations in other parts of our lives might lead to things like saving money on purchases or crafting complex business deals, learning how to master these moments with your kids can lead to important changes in you, your family, and the adults your kids are going to become.
A strong negotiator knows that they need a full toolbox of strategies. Ideally, you want to be able to choose the right approach for each situation instead of relying on your default strategies out of inertia, exhaustion, or lack of insight about what else to try. Hopefully, your toolbox feels more comprehensive at this point, and, like the parents in the above stories, your personal return on the experience for having invested time in these ideas will be evident in how you negotiate with your kids going forward.