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The Difficulty of Talking Openly

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

Mark Twain

Richard and Adrienne sat tensely in my office, a strained look on their faces. It was their first appointment and, in their telephone intake, they had simply said they needed to see me about a problem in their sexual relationship. I opened the session in prayer and tried to set a comfortable tone, letting them know this was a safe place and that they could talk about anything without fear of judgment or of shocking me. I then asked about their primary concern.

After a long silence, Adrienne shifted her gaze to a corner of the room and began. “It’s really hard to put it into words. I can’t even believe we’re sitting here talking about this. We were both raised in families that never talked about…you know, sex and all. It just wasn’t done. And we have never really talked about it with each other—we just kind of ‘do it.’ But it’s not working well and we don’t know what to do.”

I again offered reassurance and commented that many parents never talk about sex with their children, making it difficult later for the adult children to discuss problems when they arise.

After another long pause, Adrienne continued. “Well, we’ve been married for eight years, and we have a pretty good marriage in most respects. We love each other, and we’ve been blessed with two beautiful children. Rick is a good provider and a great daddy. In most ways we’re really happy. We probably shouldn’t even be complaining about anything—it’s not like life has to be perfect or anything…” She tried to look at Richard, but he just shifted nervously in his chair.

I affirmed them for having such a healthy marriage and for being willing to take steps to make it even better. It was a safe bet that neither was embroiled in an affair and that they were at least able to have intercourse since they had two children, but something was obviously troubling them greatly.

“It’s just that…that when we, you know, do it or whatever, we never seem to be able to…I mean, I can never, you know…”

I have had countless conversations like this with couples who often take half the session or more before they can clearly explain their problem. In the case of Richard and Adrienne, their concern was that Adrienne had never been able to achieve climax. She enjoyed being close with Richard and having him inside her, but she was fairly certain she had never experienced an orgasm. (As a general rule, if a person isn’t sure, it’s pretty certain the person has not.)

Adrienne felt there must be something wrong with her, that she was frigid. And Richard felt that he must not be a good lover or he would be able to give his wife this pleasure. They had both gotten to the point of avoiding sex for the most part or just “getting it over with” so Richard could have some release. They were feeling more and more distant from each other in their lovemaking—a time in which God intends couples to be most aware of their oneness.

This case, and thousands more like it, illustrates the difficulty of talking openly about sex. Any parent who has talked with his or her children about it knows how awkward the language can be. Any pastor who has preached on it will attest to the difficulty of doing so. If couples, and we as a church, are going to reclaim sexuality, the first hurdle we must overcome is the difficulty of talking clearly and openly about it. When we are unable to use specific language, it is next to impossible to have a meaningful dialogue on any subject.

There is good reason for our difficulty in discussing sex. It is the most private of matters and is not supposed to be discussed as openly and carelessly as it is in our culture. There are very few truly appropriate settings for addressing sexuality. Having young children present should prevent it from being discussed in most settings. Having mixed company, even married persons, should make such discussions somewhat awkward and uncomfortable. The privacy and sacredness of sex account for that. There is probably no perfect setting. Regardless, we must talk about it.

Holy Ground

Several years ago I was speaking at a couples retreat; Rachel was in attendance. She was in the back of the room praying for me as she often does. Before I began, I knelt down to untie and take off my shoes. After the morning session Rachel came up with a look of amazement on her face and asked, “Why did you take off your shoes?”

I replied, “Well, honey, it’s a retreat—it’s casual, comfortable…”

She said, “My prayer for you was that the ground you were standing on would be holy ground and that the words the Lord had for us would flow up through the soles of your feet and out of your mouth.”

Obviously, I spoke the rest of the day in my stocking feet! And now, whenever I speak on sexuality, I do so in my stocking feet as a testimony that we are on holy ground. This is precious turf and it is very near to the heart of God. Just as we are not to take the name of the Lord in vain, we are not to speak of the sacred things of God in a careless or vain manner. We are to show proper respect for sex by the way in which we refer to it.

My experience, however, is that people do not struggle with talking openly about sex because it is so sacred and holy. They struggle because it seems so fleshly and carnal. In fact I have found that many Christians wish they didn’t know God could see them making love. They view sex as some kind of fleshly indulgence from which God must turn his head. I have worked with many whose sex lives were tainted with the use of pornography or fantasy about other people because they had so disconnected sex from the rest of their walk with the Father. They were simply following the world’s advice about how to spice things up.

On the other extreme, I have found many couples responding to this discomfort by simply practicing “lights out, under the covers, missionary position, no talking” sex—as if sex is a necessary evil that should be completed with as little revelry as possible. There is certainly nothing wrong with having the lights out or not wanting to vary positions, but for Christians to strip sexuality of its passion and excitement is a tragedy. The same God who commands us to have festivals and celebrations with rich foods and fine wines encourages us to drink deeply and to eat our fill in the marital bedroom.[1] Sexual union is to be a celebration of our oneness!

Poetically speaking, when God looks over the portals of heaven into a healthy Christian marital bedroom, he claps his hands in approval and exclaims, “Yes! Did I design that right or what? Do you experience anything else like that? I did that. I, God, created you to work that way, to communicate with your bodies what your words cannot—of your oneness with this other person who is, in fact, half of you. And I am with you right in the midst of it! We are ‘a cord of three strands not easily broken.’”[2]

Intimate Communication

Sexual union is first and foremost a means of communication. We communicate powerful messages to each other and to the Lord when we join ourselves sexually. It is our most intimate form of communication, enabling us to say things about our spiritual oneness that words cannot.

The word intercourse conveys this notion of communication. It is not an exclusively sexual term but simply means “to have an exchange or a communing between persons.” Couples must ensure that the messages of their verbal intercourse and their relational intercourse line up with the messages of their sexual intercourse. If they are communicating love throughout the day in the ways they serve, honor, and cherish each other, then the joining of their bodies in lovemaking bears testimony to that love. If, however, they are communicating anger, hatred, criticism, neglect, or disdain, the statement of their sexual union becomes a lie. With their bodies they are saying, “I love you so much that I want to have every part of you and to give you every part of me”; but they have communicated something entirely different throughout the day.

Various Scriptures referring to God communing with his people can be literally translated as God having intercourse with his people—not sexual intercourse naturally but spiritual intercourse, a spiritual “knowing.” That is why, when we stray from our relationship with God, he says we have played the harlot or become an adulteress. God frequently uses sexual metaphors when he speaks of the intimacy he desires with his bride, the church (more on this in chapter 3).

In addition to our misunderstanding of God’s view of sex, there is another factor that accounts for our discomfort with talking openly about it. The language we have to draw on is fairly stunted and limiting. It has been suggested that we have four basic “languages” when talking about sex, and none of them is ideal. The first is clinical language. This is mostly what we will use throughout this book. Clinical language consists of the anatomical and medical terms for body parts and acts. We will be clear and specific in this book. We will not dishonor sexuality by referring to it so cryptically that you are not sure what we are talking about.

But neither will we be crass and use the second language, which is slang. Many times when couples try to explain to me what they are struggling with, this is the language they use. It is the language they heard most from their peers growing up and it is the language of our culture. They fumble around trying to find another word for horny or boobs or getting laid, and they finally just toss them out there with an embarrassed look on their face. I often joke with them and say something like, “Are we allowed to say that?” It breaks the tension and allows us to move on.

Clinical language certainly does not light up a bedroom. It gets the job done in a book or in explaining sex to your children, but it does not stoke your fires. Slang is just not appropriate in almost any situation, although couples will sometimes agree to use a few words in private as their secret little ways of cueing each other. The third language we have to work with is kiddie language. This includes words like wee-wee, tah-tahs, tallywacker, and boinking. It makes us laugh to hear these words, but we rely on them sometimes because we don’t know how else to convey what we mean.

The fourth language is even worse—euphemisms, like “You know,” “that thing,” “down there,” “doing it.” Euphemisms can leave things so vague that we think we know what our partner is referring to, but we’re not sure. This is the only language Richard and Adrienne had in the vignette at the beginning of this chapter. I know of the case of a preadolescent girl who kept telling her mother that her “bottom” hurt. It was only when her mother took her to the doctor for an examination that the doctor discovered she had a urinary tract infection. The child had never been given any other language for describing that entire area of her body other than “bottom.”

These are the four languages we have for discussing sex. None of them is ideal for every situation. All of them leave us wishing for a better vocabulary that wouldn’t make us sound dry and clinical, dirty-minded, goofy and childish, or ignorant. Perhaps that is why Scripture often uses a fifth alternative, poetic language.

The Song of Songs is filled with poetic references to the Lover and the Beloved. A wide array of foods, animals, trees, and other things in nature are used to describe their bodies, their desire, and their enjoyment of each other. Gardens and towers and even images from battle are used to evoke the passion they feel toward each other. Unfortunately, this language too has its limitations, as any Bible scholar will tell you. We are not certain what all of the references are meant to describe.

Effective Communication

Language is important. I remember when Rachel and I were engaged and were at a gathering of our college friends discussing where we might live once we were married. Someone asked what kind of housing we were looking at—would we get an apartment or buy a house? Rachel responded, “No, we’re thinking of buying a condom.” Obviously she meant a condo, but everyone had a good laugh and we saw again how very important language is!

Even though sex is a highly private subject, we must nevertheless discuss it. No matter what language we use, talking about sex is going to make us uncomfortable, and it should. If talking about it is like talking about what we had for dinner last night, we have lost something. It has become too familiar, and we have lost some of its mystery and eroticism.

In addition to making us uncomfortable, the subject of sex will also, sadly, divide us. As we have said, it is almost certain that this book will upset many of our Christian brothers and sisters. Some will feel we have been too liberal. Others will feel we have been too conservative. Sex is a volatile subject, and people’s reactions to discussions of it are often like their reactions to discussions of politics and religion. There will always be disagreements.

As we said in the introduction, one of our primary goals is simply to get the church talking more effectively about sex. If that occurs, it is okay with us if we don’t always agree with each other. If you bristle at something we have written, simply ponder and pray about it. Discuss it with your spouse, trusted friends, or your pastor. But let’s start a better dialogue. Satan wants us to keep this quiet. As a church, let’s start talking more effectively about sex.

The other thing that talking about sex will do is make us frisky! That is also as it should be. If talking about sex doesn’t get our motor going a little bit, something is wrong. If it becomes so clinical and analytical that we discuss it only with our minds and not our hearts, we are missing out. We need to come to sexuality in our child ego state, with curiosity, a spirit of adventure and abandon, fun, and play. So it should leave us a bit aroused.

Finally, addressing this topic will leave many in a great deal of pain. To talk about sexuality, even in the very positive sense of God’s intentions for it, can dredge up all the pain of what it has in fact been. For many, sexual experience has not been close to what God intended. For some, this is because of poor choices they have made. In many cases, it is because of things that have been done to them.

Be aware of this as you read, and check yourself periodically. Recognize that, if this topic opens Pandora’s box and begins to churn up painful memories, you needn’t fear them. God will meet you in your pain. You will need to take those memories out at an appropriate time with appropriate people and begin to examine them, but God has healing available. Do not allow the enemy to lay claim to anything that God has created, including your sexuality.

I have seen many couples come through God’s healing for sexual brokenness of all kinds and emerge with a marital relationship that is so different from what you normally see sitting next to you in the pews on Sunday morning that it defies explanation except to say that our God is bigger than any problem. The question is not how bad was the damage—the question is how passionate are you about seeing God’s power brought to bear on it for healing? God is able to heal all our brokenness when we surrender it to him.

I have seen couples with relatively small problems that would have been quite easy to work through, but their attitude was, “We can’t talk about that! We don’t want to go there! There’s no point in looking back!” No real healing can come with such an attitude; the issues will continue to fester under the surface and pop up in various forms throughout their years together.

I have also seen couples who were basically “dead on arrival,” not sure anything could be salvaged of their damaged sexuality. But their attitude was, “If there is any good that can come out of this, we are ready to do the work. We’re ready to roll up our sleeves and do what is needed, and we believe God can do what is impossible for us to do alone.” And he does.

So if this brings up pain for you, embrace that pain and say, “Lord, what would you have me do with this?” Accept this as God’s invitation to start talking about sex. Satan works in the dark. God works in the light. Bring sexuality out into his light.

For the couple at the beginning of this chapter, their healing began the moment they began to fumble through an open discussion about their sex lives. They later told me of sobbing in each other’s arms when Adrienne finally achieved climax and said that their sense of oneness and intimacy was deeper than they had experienced since early in their marriage. God has given us sexual union to express truths that our words cannot. We must not allow embarrassment and fear to muffle those truths.

Questions for Couples

In what ways has the awkwardness of talking about sex robbed you?

What language do you and your spouse use for communicating about sex? Do the two of you need to expand your vocabulary?

What messages about sex do you wish had been clearly conveyed to you while growing up? Are you sharing those messages with others now?

Think of at least one thing you have never told your spouse about your sexuality. Are the two of you being robbed because of your silence?