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Discovering God’s Heart in Our Body
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27
“I can’t help it—I just don’t like him to see me naked! Is there anything wrong with being modest?”
Susan’s face was flushed and her eyes wide open as she sat on the edge of her chair. Her husband, Terry, sat stiffly and solemnly beside her. Over the past several months we had made fantastic progress on Susan’s recovery from sexual abuse. She was able to see it for what it was and had released herself from responsibility for it, knowing she was only a child when it occurred. She had forgiven her cousin but set appropriate boundaries with him and had wrestled through her questions about where God was in the midst of it. But she was just beginning to look at its impact on her adult sexuality.
“I don’t understand why Terry needs to see me; he can feel me—isn’t that enough? I don’t even look at myself in the mirror when I’m getting dressed. I just don’t like being naked, and I don’t see why you think that’s another step in my healing. We’re able to have sex, so what’s the big deal?”
On the surface, Susan’s question made perfect sense. She and Terry were able to complete the act, she had given birth to a daughter and a son, and for the most part memories of her abuse were no longer triggered during sexual relations with her husband. However, the shame she felt about her body and the degree to which she was divorced from her femininity indicated there was more progress to be made if she was willing to pursue it.
One of the consequences of sexual abuse is that survivors often evidence awkwardness with their gender identity. In Susan’s case, there was little about the way she carried herself that indicated she was distinctly female versus just an androgynous person. She certainly did not celebrate her femininity—her hair was in an unkempt pageboy style, her figure quite out of shape and hidden underneath a wardrobe consisting almost entirely of sweatshirts and sweatpants. She wore no makeup or jewelry, not out of religious convictions but simply because she considered them a nuisance. Her posture and gait were decidedly unflattering, and, in short, there was very little about her that reflected the beauty of God’s image to the world.
In subsequent sessions, she and Terry both began to under-stand how Susan had distanced herself from her femininity as a largely unconscious defense mechanism against her cousin and other boys. It made sense—if she didn’t make herself particularly attractive, she didn’t have to fend off male advances. Unfortunately, she also forfeited a big part of her uniqueness as God’s child—the fun of being female and the spirit of playfulness not just in enjoying clothes, shoes, makeup, jewelry, hairstyles, and manicures, but in bringing beauty to her world through decorating her home, tending a flower garden, dressing up her kids, or adding her feminine touch to whatever she did. It was as if her life were lived in black and white instead of full color.
Terry, likewise, began to recognize that he had not embraced much of his masculine identity. He did little to attend to his body or make himself attractive to Susan. He was a self-described couch potato and took a fairly passive approach to life, being viewed in the business world as a Caspar Milquetoast. This may have been the reason Susan did not feel threatened by him when they began dating. Unfortunately, she now complained that he was apathetic about his roles as provider and protector and that he had no clear vision for his family. In many ways he was the antithesis of a man like King David—“a man after God’s own heart”—or of the Lover in the Song of Songs.
It’s not surprising that this eschewing of masculinity and femininity was reflected in a sex life that both partners described as pretty bland and unsatisfying. They rarely had sexual relations, and, when they did, it felt obligatory. Terry sometimes just masturbated because it was easier for both of them. Absent was any of the passion and sensuality so evident in the Song of Songs.
It is easy to stereotype masculine and feminine characteristics, and certainly there is great variety in how these can be manifested while still honoring God’s design. Also, there is no question that men and women share many of the qualities of both genders, and that is as it should be. However, God did create some differences in males and females, and, in spite of the efforts of some within our culture to neutralize them, these qualities are apparent throughout Scripture in numerous depictions of godly people. It is a beautiful thing to see a vivid representation of godly masculinity or femininity; we do not do justice to our design as bearers of God’s image when we are essentially androgynous.
God’s Design
In chapter 3 we touched on some of the foundations of a theology of sexuality. Much of that study was drawn directly from Scripture. In this chapter we will consider an additional source for understanding God’s intentions—our own body. God left many clues about his heart for sexual union in the way he designed our physical body.
Procreation
The first and most powerful of these clues to God’s intention is found in our procreative ability. God designed sexual union as the means by which we can participate in his greatest work—the creation of new life. Certainly God could have developed another means of reproduction, but he chose to give us a beautiful picture of love, expressed through the giving of ourselves in covenant relationship, resulting in new life. This images the work of his Holy Spirit, who enters us as we receive Christ into ourselves, generating new life within our being.[1]
This book is not principally about sex for procreation but about sex as a means of expressing and strengthening love: lovemaking. Sexual union results in a child only a few times in our life; the vast majority of times it is simply an opportunity to commune with each other in love, to renew and strengthen our bond. But we must never lose sight of God’s crowning purpose for it. Malachi 2:15 says, “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.” God has his children through us. What an awesome, unspeakable privilege!
Complementary Bodies
A second clue to God’s heart for sexual union is that our bodies are complementary—they are designed to fit together. Not only so but, unlike most species of animal that must enter from behind, we are able to face each other in the marital embrace, kissing, caressing, and talking face-to-face. We can behold each other, naked and unashamed, and gaze into each other’s eyes as we make love.
Many couples fail to take advantage of this ability to see each other. Dr. David Schnarch, a secular sex therapist, tells of designing a book cover and being unable to find a single photo of a couple kissing with their eyes open. He observes that it is as if, at the moment we are about to kiss, we automatically close our eyes, as we do before sneezing. Many people find it extremely difficult to look into their spouse’s eyes as they kiss, and even more difficult as they actually begin to make love, becoming nearly impossible at the point of climax. Gazing into our spouse’s eyes makes us incredibly vulnerable.
But what a privilege God has given us in his design! If we are willing, we can peer into the soul of our mate through his or her eyes as we become one. We can talk and laugh and cry with him or her as, through the years, we learn to surrender more and more of ourselves in this most intimate exchange of body, soul, and spirit. God intended us to experience a much deeper connection, a knowing of each other, than we often do in our lovemaking.
Perhaps this is why, when God refers to sexual union in Scripture, he sometimes uses the word that means “to know” (yada in Hebrew or ginosko in Greek). This word is filled with covenant meaning. It is a deeply intimate knowing that reflects oneness with each other and not simply head knowledge. Genesis 4:1 (NKJV) reads: “Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain”; and in verse 17: “Cain knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Enoch.”
In a nonsexual but powerfully intimate way, God says to the prophet Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you” (Jer. 1:5). This same depth of intimate, relational knowledge is reflected in Matthew 7:22–23 when Jesus states, “Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you.’” It is terribly sobering to realize how easily we can say the right words and go through the motions while still failing to establish a truly intimate relationship. May God help us open our eyes to really knowing each other.
Erogenous Zones
A third clue to God’s heart for sexuality is found in our erogenous zones. These are bundles of nerves he placed throughout our body that are not necessary for intercourse but that, when gently touched or firmly caressed, can generate a great deal of sexual arousal and pleasure. Most of these areas are never touched by anyone other than our spouse, which makes them another private delicacy to be enjoyed as couples grow in intimacy.
In his best-selling book A Celebration of Sex, my friend and colleague Dr. Doug Rosenau breaks these zones down into three levels based on their degree of sensitivity in producing sexual arousal. Level one erogenous zones are obvious: the nipples and genitals. The nerve endings in these areas are extremely sensitive to stimulation, but a skilled lover knows not to focus on them too quickly, allowing passion to build instead by pleasuring levels two and three first.
Level two includes many seemingly unusual areas: the backs of the knees, inner thighs, armpits and chest area, abdomen, the small of the back, neck, the palms of the hands and soles of the feet, the face, temples, and the mouth and tongue. These areas are highly sensitive to stimulation with the fingers, hands, mouth, or tongue and, again, they are areas that no one else is likely to touch—certainly not in an erotic manner. The vulnerability a partner displays in allowing his or her spouse to focus on these zones, and the privilege a partner has in being invited to explore them, is intensely bonding and intimate.
Level three actually includes the entire body with its skin and nerve endings. Our bodies are designed to hunger for touch and to be held, and yet many times we fight against that desire because of discomfort with our bodies or because of past trauma that left us afraid of being vulnerable. Scripture encourages us to risk that kind of vulnerability and to soak up every part of each other’s body. The Lover in the Song of Songs expresses his delight in these areas specifically: her head, temples, hair, eyes, nose, teeth, lips and mouth, neck, breasts, waist, navel, legs, and feet. She expresses her enjoyment of him in like manner. This is full-body enjoyment!
When I speak on this passionate enjoyment of every part of our body, I am often asked if I think passionate or so-called French kissing is appropriate for Christians. My response is simply that the Song of Songs begins with the invitation, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth” (1:2). These are not the kisses of the lips—she wants passionate kissing! The Lover says, “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue” (4:11). Later he states, “The fragrance of your breath [is] like apples, and your mouth like the best wine”; to which she responds, “May the wine go straight to my lover, flowing gently over lips and teeth” (7:8–9). These are highly sensual passages and they confirm once again that God knew what he was giving us when he designed our bodies for sexuality, and he delights when we enjoy them with our spouse.
Our Genitalia
A fourth set of clues about God’s heart for sex lies in the makeup of our genitalia. Figure 4.1 represents fetal genital development at about six weeks’ gestation. It shows a mass of tissue containing nerve endings, but the gender is undifferentiated. At this point, we could not tell male from female without looking at the DNA. Both male and female begin with the same basic equipment: the glans area, urethral fold, lateral buttress, and anal pit—the same tissue, same nerve endings.
In the seventh to eighth week we begin to see some differentiation (see figure 4.2). In the male we see what will become the head of the penis. In the female that same glans area will differentiate into the head of the clitoris. The vertical midline on the male is starting to close up and will eventually form a kind of raised “seam” along the scrotum and a dark line on the underside of the penis that looks as if a cut had been sutured. That same area will remain open in the female, forming the opening of the vagina. The urethral opening (through which urine will pass) will exit at the head of the penis in the boy, whereas it remains in the middle of the labial opening in the girl, above the vagina and below the clitoris. The lateral buttress will become part of the shaft of the penis in the boy and part of the labia or lips of the vagina in the girl.
By the twelfth week we can easily tell which is male and which is female (see figure 4.3). The gonads are up inside the boy and will become the testicles, descending into the scrotum around the thirty-second week. The gonads will remain inside the girl’s body and become her ovaries.
The complexity of our sexual functioning is beyond comprehension (let alone the functioning of our entire body). We can echo the psalmist in saying, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Ps. 139:14). But in addition to allowing us to marvel at God’s design for procreation, this analysis reveals an amazing insight into God’s heart for sex. Recall that the material that formed the head of the penis in the male became the head of the clitoris in the female. What is the purpose of the clitoris? It is a small bundle of very sensitive nerve endings that serves absolutely no function in procreation. Its only function is facilitating orgasm in a woman. What does this say about God’s interest in our sexual pleasure?
The female of no other species has orgasms—only humans. Think about that! What a statement about God’s heart. Orgasms are an intense experience of pleasure marked by involuntary spasms of the muscles throughout the pubic area, heightened cardiac function and respiration, sharpening of all five senses through a flooding of adrenaline, and a release of endorphins and other highly pleasurable neurochemistry in the brain. We are extremely subject to bonding or pairing during sexual arousal and orgasm (more on this in chapter 8). Within Christian marriage, the ability for both partners to experience orgasms can create a powerful bonding with each other. God designed us to facilitate that!
God placed more nerve endings in the penis and clitoris (not the vagina, the clitoris) than in any other part of the body except the tongue. Again, what does this say about his interest in our pleasure? The same God who equipped us to celebrate his goodness through the enjoyment of rich foods and feasts also equipped us to enjoy a sensual feast with each other in the marital bedroom.
Why do we so rarely teach couples about this when they are preparing for marriage? If we tell them anything at all, it is usually about the penis and vagina. That is part of it—that is how intercourse occurs and how a baby is made. But if we want God’s fuller design for sexual union, we must also talk about the role of the clitoris. I have had numerous women complain of never experiencing orgasm and discovered that they didn’t even know where the clitoris was. Many who do know about it gained their knowledge from the culture, and with it came a lot of secular distortions. Christians need to do a better job of preparing couples by giving them the full plan of God’s heart for bonding spirit, soul, and body. He created sex, and what he created he has pronounced very good.[2]
A final thought on this: Most of us have heard about certain Third World countries in which clitorectomies are performed. In this horrendous procedure, the clitoral area is cut out entirely because of a belief that it is wrong for a woman to experience sexual pleasure. It is a sad truth that many Christians have unintentionally performed psychological clitorectomies on women (and therefore on couples) by not talking about the importance of the clitoris. Admittedly it is an awkward subject, but its presence in a woman provides an incredible window into God’s heart and offers another experience of bonding in lovemaking that can cement the unity of a marriage.
Celebrating Masculinity and Femininity
These four characteristics of sexual functioning—the generation of new life as the manifestation of our love, the design of the marital embrace for deep connecting, our erogenous zones for soaking each other up, and our orgasms for powerful bonding—give us a clear picture of God’s heart for sexuality. He designed us to enjoy a feast in body, soul, and spirit, celebrating and renewing our oneness as we glorify and image our Creator.
This understanding provides a great incentive for becoming more passionate lovers. Just as we love impassioned praise and worship music on Sunday morning and passionate preaching from the pulpit, we should enjoy passionate lovemaking in the bedroom. To do so, however, we must become more comfortable with our bodies, and this takes us back to the case of Susan and Terry at the beginning of this chapter. Celebrating and glorifying God with our bodies requires that we embrace and express our masculinity and femininity.
Masculine reflections of God include wisdom, strength, courage, protection, provision, guidance, instruction, and discipline. Feminine reflections are beauty, splendor, praise, attention, patience, nurturance, comfort, and healing. When expressed in love, these qualities balance each other and have a drawing or wooing effect on children and others who know us, just as the Holy Spirit woos us to the Father and the Son. The couple who manifests them is a lighthouse to the world as Jesus called us to be.
Most of these qualities are evidenced in our character, being shaped as we mature in Christ and die to self so that he becomes everything and we nothing. Strength and beauty, however, are also physical qualities, which unfortunately are becoming less common in the church and the culture at large. Many of us are terribly out of shape; we are taking less and less care of our bodies. More of our children are obese than at any previous point in history.
I am not suggesting that we pursue the worldly perceptions of masculine strength or feminine beauty so tastelessly displayed on magazine covers. There is a vast difference between taking care of our bodies and having our whole world revolve around them. Men can stay in decent shape without becoming “muscle heads”; women can do likewise without crash dieting and plastic surgery. It simply requires a measure of discipline and moderation—avoiding extremes.
Remember that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. The temple in the Old Testament was an indescribably beautiful structure—one of the greatest architectural wonders of the ancient world. It was to be carefully maintained as the dwelling place of God. Our bodies are the same; we mustn’t let them atrophy from poor diet and lack of activity while offering the excuse that we are just getting older. Certainly our bodies will age; we will have stretch marks, cellulite, surgical scars, and thinning of the skin, but we dishonor God when we are lax in “temple maintenance,” and we dishonor our spouse as well. Our bodies are not our own; they are a gift we give to each other.[3] We should want our partner to be pleased with our gift, imperfect as it is.
This temple maintenance also includes our manner of dress. Just three generations ago people dressed for dinner; even college students dressed to go to the dining hall—men wearing dinner jackets and women wearing dresses. I am not suggesting a return to that, but we used to take greater pride in our dress; even gas station attendants and garbage men wore uniforms! Restaurants used to keep spare ties on hand, requiring men to wear them if they came underdressed for dinner. People chose attire and hairstyles that were attractive, and attention was paid to posture, good manners, and social graces. We used to try harder to look good.
Even for Sunday morning service or when going out on a date or to a nice restaurant, it is not uncommon now for people to wear T-shirts and shorts. While I am aware that some churches have adopted casual dress as a means of appealing more to the lost, it’s fair to say that our dressing down generally has more to do with laziness than with trying to be salt and light. Forgive me for sounding old-fashioned, but it’s possible to be casual without looking like we don’t care, and comfortable without looking like we just rolled out of bed.
On the flip side of the equation, many women who do pay attention to their clothes and self-care end up dressing provocatively. There is a big difference between dressing attractively and dressing seductively. We can be tastefully beautiful without being openly sexy, just as we can dress modestly without appearing prudish. It simply requires paying attention to classic style and beauty and checking our motives.
Remember, not only are we God’s holy temple, but we are created in his image. Our masculinity and femininity are reflections of God to the world.[4] A man strong in body and character who daily lays down his life in love for his wife and children is an irresistible image of the Father. A woman beautiful in body and character who devotedly loves her husband and children is a radiant likeness of him whose very nature is love. The covenant union of these two, which grows stronger through the years, is a glorious picture of the promised consummation of Christ and his bride, the church, for all eternity.
We have now looked at how Scripture and our understanding of the creation of our bodies can be used in developing a very basic theology of sex. Although much more is needed to establish a complete theology, we are at least clearer on God’s intentions for his gift. In the next part, we will lay out a detailed model for how to make this vision of God’s intentions a reality. If we can experience sexuality as a pure and beautiful thing within marriage, not only can we glorify God through it, but we can come to know him more deeply. By shedding our fears and unbiblical legalisms, we can see more of the beauty, mystery, passion, and power of the Almighty. Sexual theologian Christopher West reminds us of the connection between our heart and how we view our sexuality by quoting Matthew 5:8: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” May God give us that purified vision!
Questions for Couples
How comfortable are you with your body in the marital bedroom? Why?
How does the thought that God designed your erogenous zones and orgasms change the way you think and feel about them?
Are there improvements you would like to make in the maintenance of your temple?
Are there ways in which you would like to improve your imaging of God through your masculinity or femininity and/or through your love for your spouse?
