12

Making Love All Day Long

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Ephesians 5:25

The little chapel was nearly filled with couples for the marriage enrichment retreat. Rex and Monica, who spoke Friday night, had addressed healthy communication and set a wonderful tone for the weekend. Saturday morning’s speakers, Mark and Kelly, were from the financial industry and had spoken on money matters. Mike and Livia addressed parenting Saturday afternoon, with everyone then being free until dinner.

It was now 7:30 P.M., and there was a sweet spirit in the air as couples laughed and chatted comfortably over dessert. The room slowly settled as Pastor Ted introduced John and Sharlene, who were to speak on sexuality. There was a subtle shift—a slight tension in the air—as they took the podium.

“Are you ready for this?” John asked with a grin.

Nervous laughter reinforced the anxiety he and Sharlene already felt. John pressed on. “Ten years ago, Sharlene and I were not even remotely ready for this. In fact, if you had told us we’d be up here today sharing what God has taught us about sexuality, we’d have either laughed or cried, depending on how acutely aware of our pain we were at the time. We were two hurtin’ pups back then—two very broken people who somehow found each other and thought the other would be the answer to all of our pain.

“What we found instead was that when two hurting people turn to each other instead of to God, what they get is even more pain. It is only by the grace of God that our marriage held together as we eventually sought our healing from the Lord through a Christian counselor. And it is only by the power of God that we have something to share with you tonight about God’s plan for sexuality in Christian marriage.”

Sharing bits and pieces of the vision for sexual intimacy that we have detailed in this book, their talk went for an hour and a half. When it was over, several couples, some with tears in their eyes, shared how powerfully it had ministered to them. Two couples said they had been on the verge of a divorce before the weekend but that the vision John and Sharlene offered, and the witness of their marriage, had encouraged them to seek help instead. Many people said they had never heard such a beautiful affirmation of lovemaking in Christian marriage and that they had a different view of it now than they’d ever had before.

John and Sharlene scheduled a session with me after the weekend, just to process all that had happened through their sharing. It had been almost three years since we’d sat together in my office. Nine years earlier they had come in a last-ditch effort to save a marriage they both felt was already over. John had been into pornography and strip joints for years, and Sharlene had just broken off an affair. The very thing Satan had used to nearly tear them apart became the vehicle through which God brought their healing. Their journey to sexual wholeness is a mighty witness to the healing power of Christ and to the fact that God often uses the brokenness in our lives to do his greatest works in the lives of others. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9).

“It was incredible, Chris,” Sharlene said. “I didn’t know how we’d do, talking openly in front of all those people about sex, but the Lord allowed the growth that John and I have experienced to just flow out, and people caught more than just our words—they caught the spirit of what we were saying.”

John jumped in, “You could feel the room relax as we kept talking. It’s like, after they decided it was really okay for us to be talking about this, they dropped their guard, and you could tell they were so hungry for what we were saying! We could have easily gone on another hour and a half.”

“Several people said it was their favorite part of the weekend,” added Sharlene, “and not just because it was about sex. Actually, most of what we talked about was what you always said about the spirit of making love and making love all day long. Three different women told me in private that they’d always felt like sex was disconnected from the rest of their relationship and that now they saw the connection more.”

“Guys talked to me in private too,” said John. “I guess I used to think we were the only messed-up couple when it came to sex, but now I realize that a lot of couples struggle in this area. They may not have the same problems we did, but they still struggle, and a lot of times they don’t know who to talk to. I couldn’t help but think about what you used to say about Satan working in the darkness. All we did was start talking, and it’s like people came out of the woodwork about sexual stuff.

“Pastor Ted said he hadn’t realized how badly people needed to talk, and he’s going to do a sermon series on it in April. He also said he’ll talk with the board about possibly starting a support group for men struggling with sexual addiction. There’s a pretty good chance it’ll happen since we already have a support ministry for sexual abuse survivors and divorce recovery.”

“And Pastor Ted’s wife said she’s going to bring a speaker in to talk to the women at MOPS about sexuality,” added Sharlene. “Can you believe this? All from one little talk we weren’t even sure we could give!”

I laughed and rejoiced with them. What a celebration it is when we realize God has brought us so far in our own healing that he is now using us to bring healing to others! But the truth is that I could believe the response they’d gotten from the retreat. It is the same response I get almost any time I speak on sexuality. The church and the world are hungry for God’s plan for sex. We hope that by now you have caught the vision of that plan. Already you may be seeing it bring growth and healing to your marriage.

There are many ways in which we express love throughout the day in a healthy Christian marriage, and sexual love should always flow out of and be in line with them. This is why we speak of making love all day long. The Lovemaking Cycle is represented by a wheel that, once set in motion, should remain in motion, strengthening your marriage throughout all of your years together. We are making, nurturing, growing, expressing, celebrating love throughout the day when we honor, serve, and cherish our spouse. These behaviors create a spirit of love in the household (the mark of a true Christian[1]), and the giving and receiving of our bodies in sexual union then solidifies or seals that love; it reinforces and helps to perpetuate it.

A woman who heard me speak on this later shared how she and her husband had begun to tease each other when they were doing acts of service for the other. If the husband was changing the baby’s diaper, he would laughingly say, “I’m making love to you right now, dear!” If the wife had cooked a nice dinner and set the table for a relaxing evening meal, she would whisper in his ear, “I’m making love to you!” What began as a little joke between them actually began to result in more frequent and more passionate sexual intimacy as they made these connections verbally throughout the day. The wife told me of coming home one day with groceries and noticing that her husband had fixed the wooden porch step that had always wobbled. As she mentally registered this small act of love on his part, she recognized being immediately desirous of him sexually. It was a breakthrough moment as she saw the pairing that had occurred between their expressions of love throughout the day and the sexual expression of their love.

This is a picture of making love all day long. Marital love is so much more than just a word or an emotion and so much more than just the sexual act; it is commitment, action, devotion, and sacrifice. If dating couples argue that sex before marriage is an expression of their love, we must counter that it expresses disobedience more loudly than love, because God has forbidden it. Only love that has first expressed itself in a vow to love, honor, and cherish until death, and then truly honors that vow, can be confirmed through sexual love. Only then can God be present in the exchange. All else is a lie, a mockery of truth, however passionately it may be expressed.

Importance of Our Actions

It’s true that our actions speak louder than our words. Often men, especially, tell me they’re not comfortable with physical displays of affection and that it’s hard for them to say, “I love you.” My advice is always the same: Do it anyway. So many wives complain that the only time their husband is attentive or touching them is when they want sex. By now you realize that this is the wrong spirit—it results in a taking and a using of the wife, rather than a giving and a sharing of their love. Spouses need frequent, tangible, nonsexual expressions of our love throughout the day if we want to truly make love sexually in the bedroom.

The world is drawn to a marriage characterized by a spirit of giving and sharing, though people may not know at first what power is drawing them. Children thrive within it, though they will not understand it until they are older. I had the privilege of growing up in a household in which my parents made love all day long. We kids soaked in the atmosphere of their “I love you’s,” their kitchen hugs, their acts of service to each other, and their cuddling on the couch. They dated each other, gave each other little gifts, and praised and thanked each other frequently. The greatest place in the world to be was squeezing my way into one of Daddy and Mommy’s kitchen hugs, feeling enveloped in that tangible expression of their love. To be sure, Dad and Mom had their disagreements, but I don’t ever recall hearing them yell—they honored each other. I remember Mom telling me when I was a teenager that she was so thankful she’d never had to question Dad’s faithfulness. She knew she was cherished. I can’t describe the security I felt growing up in that atmosphere.

Three Goals

As we said in the introduction, it is our prayer that this book accomplish at least three things. First, we pray that you, the reader, will gain a clearer perspective on God’s great gift of sexuality and create more dialogue within the church, gradually helping to develop a far more comprehensive theology of sexuality; second, that you will wrestle through a greater ownership of your own sexuality, enabling you to experience a continually deepening sense of intimacy and connectedness with your spouse; and third, that this vision will inspire you to be more proactive in shaping the sexuality of the next generation, enabling them to finally launch a counteroffensive to the sexual revolution of the last century.

Like John and Sharlene at the beginning of this chapter, many couples doubt that they could ever be used by God to positively impact someone else’s sexuality. They feel they are too badly damaged; they’re so messed up that God could never work through them. We urge you, if you have believed that, to reject that lie—nothing could be further from the truth. God uses broken vessels. If Satan has had some victory in your sexuality, do not allow him to have even more by keeping you from God’s healing and robbing you of the joy of seeing your weakness used for God’s glory.

Often couples believe they could never talk openly about sex. “I’d be too embarrassed. I can’t even talk to my own kids about it!” Again, nothing could be further from the truth. You can’t not talk to your children about sex. You are “talking” to them every day in the way you interact with your spouse. The question is, What message are you sending? As we said before, actions speak louder than words. Our life is our message. Our children, and those with whom we come in contact on a regular basis, will retain more of what is caught as they watch our lives than what is taught through our words. People are watching your life and your marriage.

Ask yourself what messages your children and others are learning from you about masculinity and femininity. What are they learning about caring for the body, God’s holy temple? What are they learning about modesty, discernment, and discipline of the flesh, about celebrating and feasting, about proper displays of affection? Do people hear and see the language of your love in action? Are your children being nurtured within it? Is your marriage a witness to the beauty of sexual love within God’s guidelines and to its bonding power?

God’s Turf

We simply must reclaim sexuality as God’s turf. Clarify what you believe and know why you believe it. Embrace a greater sexual intimacy in your bedroom and be willing to affirm it before others as God gives you opportunity. Hold to God’s boundaries while celebrating his freedoms. Guard against its misuse while glorifying God through its proper use. Strike the balance with your children between preserving their innocence and preventing their ignorance. Continue to preach the message of what we are not to do, but couple it with the vision of what we are to do when two become one.

Questions for Couples

Can you think of a couple you know who seems to make love all day long? What do they do differently than other couples?

What specific things would you like to change so that your marriage could be characterized as making love all day long?

In what ways has your vision of sexuality changed while reading this book?

Are there people with whom you feel God is calling you to share this new vision?