CHAPTER FOURTEEN

BEGINNING MEDITATION WITH NINE- TO TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS

With the younger group in the previous chapter, length of concentration was one of the main factors which needed to be taken into account. Although the children in this section are older, and one would expect them to find meditation and related activities easier, there are different constraining factors now in play. Generally older children are less easily persuaded into activities which do not have instant appeal, are often very self-conscious as well as image-conscious and often need to see a convincing reason for doing anything new and different, especially if their friends are not involved in the activity.

Introducing the Topic

Talking to older children about the benefits of meditation and what it can do for them will help. You do not even have to refer to it as meditation, but as exercises and techniques which will enable the children to be more in control of their own minds and bodies. One obvious appeal to the sports-inclined children will be that it can improve concentration, focus and mind–body co-ordination, thereby improving their overall performance. Academically inclined children will be interested to learn that increased concentration can bring them equal benefits, while creative children will respond to the knowledge that meditation can enhance fluency and flexibility of thought. Of course, none of these attributes are necessarily mutually exclusive. For all children, an added advantage is that the exercises can also improve social skills, allowing them to relate better to other children, gaining more poise and self-confidence, which in turn can make them easier to get along with. As you explain these things, even those children who appear disinterested or dismissive are likely at some level to be listening and taking it in.

If the more popular children in the class are seen to approve of meditation and related activities, it increases the chance that many of the others will follow suit, as the ‘stars’ are often taken as role models by the others. It does no harm, therefore, to make a subtle effort to appeal to these children. One dilemma when working with older age groups is how to present the concept of meditation. To some, the use of terms such as ‘meditation’ or ‘spirituality’ will be alienating, because they will perceive them as ‘woo woo’ and feel embarrassed at the thought of being involved. Others, however, will welcome the whole idea of spirituality, meditation and other esoteric activities. Such undertakings will stir up feelings of excitement at the thought of the ‘unknown’ and the ‘mystical’ or will engender feelings of longing for their own spiritual development. We have no simple answer for getting around these conflicting responses. Your own intuition and knowledge of the children you are going to work with must guide you. You may decide to refer to meditation as exercises for developing physical and mental potential, or you may prefer to create two separate sessions, each with a different name and emphasis, so that the children can choose which they prefer. For example, one session might be called ‘Exercises and Techniques for Increasing Life Control’, and the other ‘Meditation for Creativity and Spirituality’. Although you would cover very similar ground with the two groups, you would present it in different ways, with a change of emphasis on the various activities as appropriate. You would also be aware of the different moods and needs of each group, together with their preferred levels of activity, their attention span and their liking for variety.

Meditation with Small Groups

Preparing the Room

When working with small groups of fifteen or less, many of the same conditions described in Chapter 13 for the younger children will apply. It is helpful to work always in the same room, with as few distractions as possible. The children should get into the habit of taking their shoes off on entering the room, and lining them up neatly. Take yours off as well. The room should be set up ready for them. If they are to sit on chairs, then these should be placed in a circle, so that the children can immediately seat themselves without having to shift things around. If they are to sit on a hard floor, they should either bring cushions with them and seat themselves quietly, or cushions should be laid out in advance for them in a circle. If there is a carpet, they may sit directly on the floor, and should do so as soon as they have taken off their shoes. As with the younger children, you should take your place in the circle as soon as convenient, and before the children if possible so that they can come and join you. This has an immediate calming effect on them. Soft music playing as they enter and during the session can help to create a tranquil atmosphere, especially if accompanied by a burning incense stick, although the latter may not always be practical.

Consideration for Others

At the beginning of the first session, you need to lay down some ground rules of acceptable behaviour. This should be done sensitively and firmly, but not dogmatically. Point out to the children the importance of respecting other people’s wishes and explain that people appreciate being allowed to carry out an activity without interruption. Allow a few minutes for discussion of this. You might begin by asking the children what characteristics they like in others, and how they themselves like to be treated. Developing consideration for others and becoming aware of its positive effects for everyone, including themselves, will always stand them in good stead.

Confidentiality

Make a group agreement that everything shared in this session is confidential to the group. Also, assure the children that they do not have to share any of their experiences with the group if they choose not to. The thought that they may have to make public their experiences may inhibit the way in which they approach the exercise.

Beginning the Session: Relaxation

Begin each session with a short relaxation exercise. But first explain the advantages of relaxation and of body awareness, reminding them of the inextricable connection between body and mind, especially the power of the mind over the body, and our responsibility to look after them both. You might even quote some basic research describing how some people whose doctors had given up hope of a recovery got better, due to their positive attitude, while others who allowed themselves to despair remained ill. For a fuller discussion on this see Chapter 1.

Make sure that the children are sitting in a relaxed position, usually either cross-legged on the floor or on upright chairs. Their backs should be straight but not stiff, and their heads upright, tilted neither upwards nor downwards. You might wish to tell them that the reason for this is to allow their energy to travel freely throughout their bodies. You will need to check them swiftly and gently and suggest any needed adjustments. The children can be told that it is easier if they close their eyes, but should they find this difficult they can choose a spot about two metres in front of them and gaze at it with their eyes lowered.

Talk them unhurriedly through the relaxation, asking them to pay attention to their body, making sure that they are relaxed from their feet, toes and legs upwards to their shoulders, neck, face etc., so that they are aware that their whole body feels relaxed. Allow enough time for them to focus on each of the body parts as you proceed.

Watching the Breath and Counting the Breath

Introduce the techniques for watching the breath and counting the breath as explained on pages 143–5. Tell them that if they find thoughts entering their head (which they almost certainly will), this is quite natural and they should let them go, allowing them to float away. Emphasize that no great effort should be used; the thoughts should gently be released. They may find the use of imagery helpful, for example imagining that their thoughts float away on a cloud or in a balloon. The time spent on this will vary according to the age and concentration of the children, but a rough guide to start with would be about thirty seconds for the nine-year-olds, moving up to one minute for the eleven-year-olds. These times can be gradually increased with practice.

After practice, the children will be able to do these breathing exercises on their own, that is, without you counting for them, but remind them from time to time gently to let go of any thoughts. These two exercises, watching the breath and counting the breath, will together take about three minutes. Below is a case study which shows how these breathing exercises helped a young asthmatic boy to overcome his breathing problems.

Paul

Brenda, a parent who has discussed her experiences with us, recounted how these breathing exercises helped her asthmatic son, Paul, who was then nine years old. After several sessions of the breathing exercises, Paul needed to use his inhaler less and less and two years later had dispensed with it altogether. His mother originally broached the subject of these exercises by telling Paul that they would help him with his breathing, and that they would enable him to do his school work more quickly by aiding his powers of focus and concentration. She spoke to him about the relationship between the mind and the body and explained that he had a responsibility to look after his body to the best of his ability. Paul particularly liked the idea of the control over his own body which these exercises would bring. Paul was keen on sport, and decided that this control would enhance his performance. He had also been bothered about using his inhaler in front of his friends since he perceived it as indicating weakness.

After the initial breathing exercise, ‘watching the breath’, while allowing distracting thoughts gently to disperse, Paul’s mother found that asking him to focus on an object while continuing with the exercise was particularly helpful. She chose an orange, which Paul looked at carefully as they sat silently together. Afterwards they would talk about the experience, and Paul would tell Brenda what he had seen in the orange, and what he had experienced. Brenda also told us that today Paul still does not accept the idea of meditation or anything vaguely out of the ordinary, but now at seventeen he still has no need of an inhaler, and continues to meditate (although he would not term it that), particularly in times of stress or fear, such as during preparations for exams.

Paul’s story provides us with further useful insights. He would not have agreed to do the exercises if they had initially been framed as meditation or as anything vaguely esoteric, and at seventeen years old he still holds the same opinion. The way in which you present the activities to your children is therefore most important. We are not suggesting that if one of your children has asthma, you should abandon medication in favour of the breathing exercises. Nevertheless, the child may, like Paul, find that, with medical approval, the inhaler is needed less and less. Similarly, no claims of any kind should be made that meditation will help children with any specific physical problems. However, it can be of value with things such as breathing and concentration, and it can help to reduce stress and that in turn can have a beneficial effect on one’s health.

You may like to try with your children an extended version of Paul’s concentration exercise involving an orange. You will need to provide either one orange per child, or per pair of children, or per group. In the latter case, you should place the orange in the middle of the group so that everyone has a clear view of it. This should follow the basic meditation breathing technique of watching and counting the breath. Encourage the children to sit quietly ready for the visualization exercise.

Visualization for Concentration and Focus

Ask the children to look at their orange which should be placed in front of them. Tell them that they are going to experience everything there is to experience about an orange without actually touching it. Remind them to sit in their meditation position, upright but not stiff, and then to focus upon the orange. Ask them to join you in the visualization outlined here:

• Look carefully at the orange, notice its shape. Is it completely round? Is it oval? How would you describe its shape? Now look at its colour – is it a dark orange, a light orange, is it an even colour all over or can you see traces of different colours or shades of colour? What does the skin look like? Is it smooth? Can you see the uneven texture and the dimples in its skin? Can you see its shininess? Holding this picture in your mind you may now choose to close your eyes and imagine the rest, or you may keep your eyes open, whichever feels more comfortable. Without moving, imagine what it would be like to touch the orange, to squeeze it gently. In your mind pick it up and feel its weight, feel its soft dimply skin. Imagine the smell of your orange. Now imagine peeling your orange. Notice the fine spray of juice which is released as you break the skin and begin to peel it away from the flesh. Look at the soft white pith, feel its softness. Gradually peel the pith away to reveal the orange segments which fit so perfectly together. Imagine what it would be like to remove a segment, feel its firm fleshiness between your fingers, smell the luscious orangey smell. Now place the segment in your mouth, feel it cool on your tongue and taste it.

Now I’m going to ask you to reverse the process, like winding back a video tape going through each stage carefully until you see the orange whole again as it sits on the table.

You might allow them to reverse the process in their own time or you might talk them through it by amending the above text as necessary. The whole exercise, including the breathing, will probably take around five minutes, but remember to give the instructions slowly enough for them to guide the imagination.

By the time children are this age it might be taken for granted that they have all experienced eating an orange, but this might not be the case. If you intend to use this exercise it would be useful to have a session beforehand in which all the children bring oranges to school (spares can be brought for those who don’t bring their own) and slowly go mindfully through the process of eating them together.

You will probably find that, during the exercise and in the actual eating process, some children will not like the experience and will make faces and choking noises to amuse their friends. This is natural, and familiarity with other ‘odd’ exercises will soon eliminate these responses. For those who don’t like oranges other fruits may be substituted and the instructions modified accordingly.

After they have experienced the ‘real thing’ as suggested, a version of the above exercise may be done entirely through imagination with anything – fruit, pencils, animals . . . Of course, to state the blatantly obvious, the instructions for each object will have to be tailored for that particular object. Children can imagine drawing, writing, building something or even practising a skill. The possibilities are endless.

Such exercises as these require considerable focus and concentration, and can lead children into many strange and interesting worlds of imagination. Again, both you and the children will be able to think of many more objects to use for this exercise.

Guided Visualization

For this exercise you should provide paper, pens, pencils and crayons, as when the exercise is over the children may wish to draw or write about their experiences.

Without breaking the flow of the session, speak gently and slowly to the children:

• Close your eyes and imagine a door in front of you. Maybe it is a door that you recognize or maybe it is a door which you have never seen before. Look at this door carefully, notice what it looks like and how you feel. Now open the door, and as you walk through it you find yourself in a place where you feel completely happy and safe. It may be somewhere you already know, or it may be a place that you create for yourself. Look around carefully at all the things you can see. As you walk along, look for a favourite place to settle down. Notice how you are feeling. When you have found your favourite place, sit or lie down and feel completely safe and relaxed.

Try not to give too many suggestions as you guide the children along, as the experience should come from their own imagination. Allow them a minute to relax in their favourite place, enjoying whatever sensations come to them, then gently call them back:

• When you are ready, slowly get up and begin to walk back to the door. Look at everything around you and notice how you are feeling. When you get to the door, open it if it is closed, and walk through. Think about how you are feeling now. Once you are on the other side of the door, gently close it, knowing that you can return there any time, and that your own special place of safety and comfort will always be there for you.

Assure them that they can return to this place whenever they wish, that it is their own special place. If you feel more confident reading the visualization rather than doing it from memory, write down the above, expanding on it as appropriate.

When you have asked the children to do something such as looking around or noticing how they feel, it is important that you pause long enough for them to experience their reactions fully before you guide them onto the next part of the visualization.

As a follow-up to this activity, the children might wish to talk about their experiences, so schedule time for this into the programme. Alternatively they may prefer to draw a picture of their experiences, or to write about them to keep as a record for themselves. Make sure that every piece of work is dated so that it is possible to follow the progression. The session should end with everyone back in the circle and centred again before they leave quietly to return to their class.

Free Visualization

This should follow on from breathing exercises as described above. When the children have finished the breathing exercises, ask them to focus on a place above the bridge of the nose and between the eyes. Ask them to let go of thoughts as they did during the breathing exercises, and to notice any images which may appear on this internal screen. For this exercise, allow them as long as feels comfortable, then gently bring them back into the room. Again, allow the children time to talk about their experiences and to draw or write about the images if they wish. They may choose to share their pictures and writing with others, or to keep them to themselves.

Meditation with the Whole Class

Timing

As with younger children, it is ideal to practise with this age group the basic meditation technique of watching the breath several times a day. It takes only one or two minutes, and its beneficial effect can permeate all other activities, both for you and for the children, particularly if you meditate with the children and thus reap the direct benefits yourself. As with younger children, the most effective times for meditation are first thing after register in the morning, immediately before the lunch break, first thing after the afternoon register, and finally last thing in the afternoon. You might also spend a minute or two before and after morning break or whenever the class seems to become restless. Just stop the session, ask the children to sit down, relax their body, and talk them through the first breathing exercise.

As we explained in our earlier chapters, there is a range of activities which are related to and support meditative techniques, and these can be integrated into some of the children’s timetabled work. We can now look at some of the practicalities involved.

Art Lessons

An art lesson should begin with a short meditation, followed by one of the visualizations above or one chosen from those described in Chapter 9, e.g. the visualization of abstract shapes. The children can then be allowed to choose from a variety of different media to create an interpretation of their visualization. Some may wish to construct a three-dimensional image, while others may choose to create collages, or to paint or draw. These creations will be particularly personal to the children and praise should be given for the effort that has gone into them, and for the children’s use of materials, and not for the content. As with younger children, praise of content may result in the children producing things to please, rather than allowing their experiences free rein.

If children are reluctant to produce anything from their meditation, then allow them that choice. It is important at the early stages of meditation not to force things or associate the exercises with negative experiences. Other art lessons can make use of the exercises described in Chapter 3, such as drawing things from unusual angles, or drawing the spaces between objects rather than the objects themselves.

If the children are drawing spaces between displayed objects, it is initially helpful to place the objects in front of a plain, preferably contrasting, background with a frame around them. For example, you could use a black sheet of paper, with a square chalked upon it in white, large enough to frame the objects comfortably. Begin with only two objects, otherwise it could be confusing for the children.

The training in concentration and observation derived from such activities will quickly become apparent to the children.

PE or Movement Classes

The body awareness exercises described in Chapter 7 can readily be incorporated into a PE or movement lesson. Begin by asking the children to walk around the room slowly, preferably with their eyes lowered, making sure that they do not touch anyone else. Next, instruct them as follows:

• Now while you are walking about, I’d like you to think about your body. Concentrate very hard and see if you can work out which parts of your body are involved in walking. Which parts of your body can you feel moving as you walk? What do they feel like?

You can pause here while the children tell you what they have discovered. Allow a few minutes for this, then guide them through the observation of some of the more obvious parts of the body used in walking. (For example, ‘Walk very very slowly, as in films shown in slow motion.’) Be prepared for some of them to try this out with stylized exaggerated walking, but they should soon settle down.

• Notice which part of your foot touches the floor first, and then see what happens. Be aware of your feet. Feel your heel touching the floor, how your foot rocks forward, and the feeling as your weight is transferred to the ball of your foot and then to your toes. Notice how your knee feels as it flexes and straightens, how it feels when your weight is on it, and how it feels when you lift it up again. Feel the movement of your hips, arms and shoulders . . .

As they become more adept at this, the children might focus on the more subtle movements of other parts of the body, right down to changes in their breathing. You can vary the speed at which the children walk, increasing it to a slow run. You can also analyse other body movements, such as hopping, skipping or walking with different lengths of step, from really tiny ones to as large as they can comfortably achieve. Now and again, apparatus such as balls or beanbags may be used. Ask the children to work in pairs standing about six paces apart, and explain that they should concentrate on throwing the ball or beanbag as accurately as possible. They should first look carefully at its destination, then be aware of the feeling as it leaves their hands, and then watch it as it travels through the air, noticing the way it moves and finally lands into the hands of their partner.

You will be able to think of a lot more ways in which to develop this kind of awareness before proceeding to the more specific exercises we give in Chapter 7. These preliminary exercises encourage a more concentrated awareness and meditative approach to all physical movement and may be seen as a necessary part of body education rather than as something esoteric added on to normal school work. If practised often enough, this awareness of movement and the ability to focus will become a natural and valuable part of any physical activity.

Creative Writing

Children can be given the opportunity to develop in prose, poetry or even dialogue the experiences resulting from their visualizations.

An appropriate visualization with which to start is given below, but remember that every visualization is best preceded by the relaxation and breathing exercises already described.

After the breathing exercises, ask the children to remain still with their eyes closed. Speak softly and slowly, allowing them enough time to experience the different sensations of the visualization. Begin by asking them to imagine a doorway:

• Look at the door carefully and, knowing that it will be safe to do so, open it. Upon stepping through the doorway, you find yourself in a tunnel. At the end of this tunnel you can see a bright light. Look around you. How do you feel? It is quite safe but you can turn back whenever you wish. Be aware of the tunnel itself – what does it looks like? As you reach the end of the tunnel, you find yourself enveloped in a bright light, and see people in front of you. As you stand facing them, you feel very warm and safe and loved. Now one of the people walks towards you, smiling. You look at each other intently, and one of you speaks. Maybe you ask a question, or maybe it is the other person who speaks first. Or you may communicate telepathically with each other, with your minds.

Allow the children a minute or two to carry on with this visualization on their own, making sure that you are giving them enough time to explore each part.

• The person smiles and begins to leave, moving backwards away from you. Now you move back down the tunnel, knowing you can return whenever you like, and knowing the person you have just met will always be there for you. Now open the door if it is closed, and walk through to the other side. Look at the door again, noticing how you feel. Now you are here in this room with all your friends. You feel safe and relaxed.

If the children are going to write about this experience, then they should do so straight away. They could write about it in prose or in poetry. They might like to write down the dialogue they had, or would like to have had, or they might speculate on how the conversation might have progressed if it had been allowed to continue. A short play might even emerge from this encounter. This could then be performed by the children themselves. Or the children might simply wish to talk about this experience or to repeat the dialogue.

Another activity which would encourage observation, concentration and imagination could be as follows:

Gather a number of interesting and not too familiar objects together, keeping them out of sight of the children. After the relaxation and breathing exercises, ask the children to close their eyes. Give each child one of these objects, telling them that peeping will spoil the exercise. Give them a minute or two to hold the object, and explore it using whatever senses feel appropriate. While their eyes are still closed, collect in the objects and again put them out of sight. Without having seen the objects, encourage the children to write about the experience in any way they choose.

These are only a few suggestions for creative writing exercises. Once you become aware of the kinds of things that work, you will be able to add to them. Encourage the children to think of activities, too.

Music

Only teachers who are themselves musical may feel immediately comfortable with the use of music in meditation. However, you do not need to play an instrument to use musical exercises effectively, though it is helpful if you have a reasonable sense of rhythm, and some understanding and appreciation of sound.

Introductory meditation exercises using music can take the form of careful listening or mindful playing of an instrument. There are a number of ways in which listening and paying attention to different aspects of a musical piece can aid children’s concentration and focus. One of the simplest exercises, familiar to most teachers, is to sing or play a rhythmical phrase and ask the children to copy it. This exercise, as with all of the exercises, may be increased in length and complexity according to the children’s capability, discipline and interest.

Another activity involving careful listening requires playing a recording of a piece of instrumental music (lyrics are something of a distraction) and asking the children to follow one of the instruments all the way through. Either classical or popular music will do, and preferably children should be exposed to both. Initially, a piece where one or two instruments stand out more than the rest is preferable. Ask the children to focus on one of the instruments, and try to follow its melody through the piece. With practice, the pieces can become longer and more complex. This activity also helps develop appreciation of music and its complexities in a relaxed and enjoyable way.

Playing instruments can also help develop children’s concentration, co-ordination, sensitivity, creativity and cooperation. Percussion instruments are generally preferable for this exercise, as they do not demand a great deal of expertise in order to play well enough to achieve a good level of satisfaction and aesthetic appreciation.

Allow the children to experiment with the instruments a little before you begin. Then choose a song which they like and with which they are familiar, and ask them to sing and play along with you. Depending on how many children are in the class, some might sing the song while the others play as directed by you. For this they have to watch you carefully and exercise considerable concentration and self-control. As they increase in skill and discipline, they will be able to decide for themselves when to join in and how to play.

Mindfulness Throughout the Day

The concept of mindfulness is implicit in all the exercises we give, and is discussed at some length in Chapter 3. It is, of course, inherent in all the exercises in this book. Mindfulness in all that one does is not an easy discipline at first, but a valuable introductory exercise, even before you have explained the concept to the children, is to stop them in what they are doing at a suitable point during the day, and ask them to resume their task with total focused awareness. For example, if the children are in the act of walking from one place to another, they can become aware of their body movements, of themselves relative to the other children and of their place in the room. They can be invited to keep up a silent running commentary on everything they are doing (e.g. ‘I am walking from my desk to the bookshelf’). If the children are drawing, they can focus their awareness on the movement of the pencil on the paper, and the sensation of the pencil between their fingers. They may even hear the sound of it as it moves across the paper. They can look at the position of the drawing on the page, and so on. It is not difficult to imagine how almost anything in which the children are engaged can be broken down into different levels of awareness and sensation. Chapter 3 illustrates this in more detail.

The break for mindfulness might last only 20 seconds as there is usually insufficient time for it to go on much longer. Also, the activity shouldn’t be so long as to disrupt the children’s work. Twenty seconds a day is perfectly adequate, and the children may in any case choose to engage in the little game by themselves now and again. It can be fun suddenly pausing and becoming conscious of just how much information is coursing through the senses all the time. If the children wish to discuss the activity, it is useful to tell them that some people have managed to maintain this awareness for days at a time, but a few minutes now and again are a good start. The running commentary exercise does not mean that one constantly talks to oneself; it means that one is aware of every discrete activity. In the children’s case this might include ‘I am hanging up my coat. I am walking to my seat. I am sitting down and the teacher is calling the register. Now I am getting out my reading book.’ Much will be occurring between each of these inner statements, but they are sufficient to enable the children to be aware of what they are doing, instead of being swept along by events without being sensitive to the depth and variety of their experience.

Meditation at Home

Before You Begin

The introduction to working at home in the previous chapter also applies to children of this age group, so it would be useful to refer back to the pages concerned (pages 153, 160). You will recall that emphasis was placed upon being comfortable with the activity yourself, with your relationship with your child, and with the home conditions and the place and time.

As with the school setting, the way in which you frame exercises will influence the way in which the ideas are received by your children. Again, your knowledge of their interests and temperaments will determine how you approach things. Remember that some children take more readily to a more practical and down-to-earth approach, and have little tolerance for what they might perceive as ‘wayout’ notions, while other children are attracted to the unusual and the mystical. The idea of self-development with its associated benefits at school and socially will probably appeal to both types of children.

Having explained the potential benefits of the exercise and established a suitably undisturbed area for the activities, you should allow your child to ask any questions he or she might have. We give some examples of possible questions and answers on pages 152–3.

Before you begin, make sure that all those involved are sitting comfortably. Children of this age often have more difficulty than younger children in sitting cross-legged, so if they are on the floor, tell them to sit on the front part of a hard cushion so that their bottoms slope slightly forward. This automatically straightens the back. If they are using chairs, ask them to sit with their legs together and feet flat on the floor. You may advise them to put a cushion behind them. In any event, the back should be straight but not stiff and the head upright on a relaxed but straight neck. This posture is described in more detail in Chapter 6.

When the children are settled, begin with watching the breath and counting the breath as described in Chapter 3 and elsewhere in the book. This can be followed by the other techniques described earlier in this chapter, adapted to suit your own needs.

Meditation with the Whole Family

All these activities can be carried out with some or all of the other family members, and may provide valuable experience in learning to share feelings with one another in safety and in being more tolerant of one another, and in simply spending more ‘quality’ time together. The reader can be forgiven for doubting if this works with a whole family, but it is surprising what is achievable with optimism and practice. There should be ground rules established which apply to all those present, including parents. These should be made explicit, so that the children feel a sense of equality. It might be fun to write down some of the rules together, and pin them up somewhere so that they can be referred to in the event of a dispute. Responsibility for keeping to them should be shared by all concerned.