4 WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT
OUR SEXUALITY

SEXUAL PLEASURE—A BIBLICAL EXPECTATION

Sexual Pleasure Within Marriage
Is Encouraged and Expected

Besides the command to become one and the instruction to be fruitful and fill the earth, with the emphasis on propagating the messianic line, another consistent expectation throughout Scripture is that the sexual experience is for the pleasure of the relationship. Sex is for unity, procreation, and pleasure.

The Bible endorses the concept of sexual pleasure and assumes a healthy passion. The sexual relationship in marriage reflects God’s image. Animals, however, have sex in order to reproduce; they don’t make love for the fun of it. They mate according to their hormonal cycles. Humans make love for pleasure. In fact, Scripture instructs believers to always be available to their spouses (l Cor. 7:3–5), not just for making babies at the time of the month when that is possible. Therefore, we see sexual pleasure as superseding procreation.

The Song of Songs contains some of the most beautiful and erotic poetry ever written. This book is included in the Bible for our benefit. Here are some segments from the New American Standard Bible: “On my bed night after night I sought him whom my soul loves” (3:1). “My beloved is dazzling and ruddy . . . His head is like gold . . . His eyes are like doves . . . His lips are lilies, dripping with liquid myrrh . . . His legs are pillars of alabaster set on pedestals of pure gold . . . and he is wholly desirable” (5:10–16). “How beautiful are your feet in sandals . . . The curves of your hips are like jewels . . . Your belly is like a heap of wheat fenced about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns . . . Your stature is like a palm tree . . . I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’ Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine . . . Come, my beloved, let us go out into the country” (7:1–11).

These passages obviously don’t encourage us to hold back our passionate feelings! Yet many people come to the sexual experience with the feelings: “I can’t really let go.” “It’s not right for me to feel that strongly.” “I couldn’t face God again.” “Nice girls don’t behave that way.” Yet as we understand God’s message, it is his intention for us to enjoy the sexual experience and to let our feelings flow freely. The Song of Songs is loaded with erotic messages of two lovers enjoying each other’s bodies fully. Nothing seems to be restricted.

Another affirmation of the biblical expectations of pleasure comes from looking at men and women of faith in the Old Testament. The assumption we arrive at when we look at a number of these Old Testament faith heroes is that human sexuality not only is representative of our relationship with God (which is a high and lofty concept), but is accepted as being an internal part of human nature. One can be a great hero of the faith and still be an intensely passionate person (people recognized for their faith in Hebrews 11 include Abraham, Jacob, David, and even Rahab the harlot).

We learn from this that human beings are accepted by God as beings with a sexual nature. God does not condone disobedience to his standards in the expression of our sexuality; but he does not condemn our sexuality itself, nor does he condemn us for being intensely sexual beings. He recognizes that the sexual part of us is a very powerful element of our being—a forceful drive. We can see the power of sexuality in the men and women who were chosen as models of faith. Our human sexuality is not something to be diminished as we become more “spiritual.” It is part of us as spiritual, godly persons, and it is good. However, we do need to follow our Lord’s instructions for the responsible use of this important part of ourselves. Evil comes from the misuse of sex, not from its mere existence or the pleasure it brings in marriage.

Proverbs 5:18–19 is also interesting: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love” (NASB). The teaching is that our feelings of sexual pleasure are permissible, and we are encouraged to enjoy them. If we are holding back on our sexual experience for religious reasons, that is a cop-out. From a biblical point of view, there is no reason to hold back.

We cannot overemphasize how important it is for Christian couples to understand the Bible’s pro-sex message. To the degree that the church has been antisexual and antipleasure, it has failed to be consistent with our understanding of what the Bible has to say about sex within marriage.

MUTUALITY—THE GUIDING PRINCIPLE

The New Testament teaches that the barriers between men and women have been broken down because of Christ. No longer do women and men live by different standards. This teaching is a radical departure from the culture that surrounded the church in Old Testament times. The main view of that day was that women were clearly beneath men.

The New Testament also teaches the basic concept that men and women are equal—not identical, not necessarily the same in roles—but equal in terms of value, ability, and position before God. This concept of equality is important because a myth has been perpetuated within the church, community, and society that assumes a man has sexual rights a woman does not have. We see that mentality as completely contrary to biblical teaching. The woman has as many rights as the man has, or the man has as few rights as the woman. This is particularly clear in Galatians 3:28: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” There are many similar passages.

Ephesians 2:13–22 is extremely relevant. It talks about Christ breaking down the human barriers, making people who were formerly divided and at war with one another into the one household of God. What we take it to mean for our sexual experience is that men and women are equal before God in their right to sexual pleasure.

We are expected to give ourselves to each other in marriage; this is a mutual command, not for wives only. “Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband” (1 Cor. 7:3 NASB). Or as the passage reads in the The Message:

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.

Each passage in the New Testament that teaches about the husband-wife sexual relationship either begins or ends with a command for mutuality. Not only are husband and wife equal in God’s sight, but they have mutual rights and responsibilities.

Even in Ephesians 5, which deals with submission, the section starts with a command for mutual submission (v. 21). Mutuality in sexual rights and responsibilities is a biblical principle that has made a significant positive impact on many couples’ sexual relationship. As a woman accepts the fact that she has the right to have her own needs met, she may begin initiating or become more expressive about what brings her pleasure.

Love is the new guiding principle for sexual behavior in marriage. This is not to say that love was never a part of Old Testament marriage relationships. Certainly Isaac and Rebekah and many others demonstrated loving, caring relationships. There was concern when a wife was unloved: “When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren” (Gen. 29:31). However, love was not commanded or expected, because marriage was more of a business deal.

In the New Testament, however, the husband-wife relationship is to depict the kind of love we see Christ lavishing on the church. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . . In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself ” (Eph. 5:25, 28). This was news to the people in New Testament times; love in marriage was not a part of their culture. It is a specifically Christian concept—another one of God’s good gifts to his people, along with sex.

Love has to be the guiding principle for deciding what sexual behaviors are right and wrong for a husband and wife. We look to love as our criterion because the New Testament gives us no teaching on how to enjoy each other sexually. There are no “dos and don’ts.” Though there are many restrictions regarding the person with whom one may be involved sexually, there are no obvious limitations on how one may enjoy oneself within marriage. Within marriage, we are to freely enjoy each other’s bodies as long as the activity is mutually desired, loving, brings us closer together, and does not interfere with our relationship with God.

The Design:	Pleasure and Intimacy
The Method of Fulfilling that Design:	Mutuality in Marriage
The Model: and the Woman Invites	The Man Adores and Affirms