I don’t understand why my wife gets so upset. I always check to make sure she’s wet, yet she says I enter her whether she’s ready or not. I’m confused.
WHEN?
Somewhere in the process of sexual stimulation, entry is likely to occur. The act of entry is what changes a sexual experience from sexual play to sexual intercourse. However, entry is not necessary for sexual enjoyment and release. For many couples, entry is not an automatic part of every sexual experience. When entry is not possible—in cases of prolonged impotence for the man or vagin-ismus for the woman—couples can learn to have totally satisfying sexual play without a full intercourse event. (Vaginismus is a painful contraction or spasm of the vagina.) There are some advantages to sexual play without intercourse. All of us would benefit from learning to totally enjoy the pleasure of each other’s bodies.
When entry is possible, it should occur when both partners feel ready and desirous of having the penis in the vagina. Entry is likely to be desired when there is intense sexual stimulation for the man and the woman.
There is no one correct time for entry. The only physical criteria are vaginal lubrication for the woman and an erect penis for the man. Even these are not entirely necessary in that a man and woman can learn to stuff a slightly erect penis into the vagina. A lubricant can be used to substitute for or add to vaginal lubrication. So the right time is your time.
The physical signs of readiness do not always ensure emotional readiness. The man might desire love play for quite some time after he has a full erection. Women often do not feel ready even though they have plenty of lubrication. If a woman is feeling tense, she will not be desiring entry. This may be demonstrated by stiff legs or a withdrawing from sexual stimulation rather than reaching for it.
The woman needs the man to back off when her body is ready but her feelings are not. She needs room to allow her feelings to catch up with her body’s response. This can happen only if she is free of the demand to be ready.
When the feeling of readiness is there, the woman knows it! It might be described as the opening up of the vagina, as well as a relaxed spreading of her legs. There are actual physical changes occurring during the plateau phase (Chapter 8, page 87) that correspond to this opening sensation. The labia majora (outer lips) have thinned and are folded back out of the way of the vaginal opening. The swollen inner lips gap widely to create a funnel into the vagina. A woman is only minutes away from an orgasmic release when she is experiencing the sensations of these changes in her genitalia. She may or may not pursue entry at this time. It is her decision. The woman is the only one who can decide when she is ready.
WHY ENTRY BY INVITATION?
We all have a sense of territory. All of us feel somewhat protective and possessive of our space. Children go through a time starting somewhere around age ten when they feel extremely violated if a brother, sister, or even their father or mother enters their room uninvited. When we are in our bedroom or bathroom with the door closed, we request that our children knock and wait for a response before entering. We give them the same courtesy. This is what it means to respect each other’s territory.
Entry is an act of the man entering the woman’s body. If he is going to feel welcome there, she has to let him know when she is ready. All of us feel much more comfortable when we invite someone into our space. This is true of our homes, our rooms, our feelings, and our bodies.
The invitation need not be formal. It might be a nonverbal message that communicates positively for both of you. That might be the woman reaching for the penis with her pelvis or inserting the penis in the vagina. It might be a pet word the two of you enjoy. There are many possible ways the woman can let the man know she is ready.
WHY THE WOMAN?
It is the woman’s body that is being entered. Since she can easily experience a sense of invasion, both the husband and the wife will be more relaxed about entry when the woman assumes the responsibility to guide the timing of entry. A man will feel best about being in the woman when he senses her warm and desirous wish for entry.
WHAT ABOUT BIBLICAL SYMBOLISM?
In the early church, Christ’s relation to the church was compared to the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs the husband to love his wife as he does his own body, even as Christ loved the church.
Christ offers himself to us. He is ready to enter our lives and guide us to the extent that we, his people, will ask him to be there with us and for us. Christ does not invade. He gives, loves, cares, and waits to be invited. What a beautiful model of entry by invitation.
AFTER ENTRY?
Is entry the beginning of the end? No, entry is not a final event. Much love play can occur after the penis has entered the vagina. The penis can be withdrawn for more total-body play. Then reentry can occur. When the couple are having fun together, the focus can be on total enjoyment. The mentality does not have to focus on entry and thrusting to the point of ejaculation and orgasm.
During an extended lovemaking experience with focus on the enjoyment of the process, a person’s level of arousal may vary in intensity. The level of arousal will tend to be experienced in waves. As long as the person isn’t standing back watching and evaluating arousal, it is fun to ride the waves. However, if a person is in an evaluative role, a dip may cause anxiety that interferes with the possibility of another intense surge. It is the anxiety about the dips, not the dips themselves, that gets in the way of continued responsiveness.
The freedom to enter, withdraw, and reenter will also help a man last longer. This allows him to have dips in excitement level so he doesn’t ejaculate before he is ready.
Flexibility and freedom add fun to sexual encounter. Let entry also be a fun part of the total sexual event. This can best happen when you communicate your own feelings of readiness, respect each other’s feelings and territory, and focus on the process rather than on a specific intercourse goal.