Wherever we travel, whatever kind of group we speak to, people’s questions are basically the same. For this section, we have selected the most commonly asked questions. People are searching for answers. Some need to relieve pain, while others wish to provide greater enhancement.
ABOUT THE MAN
Question: How can a man be taught to begin with words—not just fondling?
Answer: This is probably the one thing that more women ask about men than any other single item. Men seem to find their most natural expression in action, as they have been trained to do from childhood. Women, on the other hand, have learned to express themselves verbally. This disparity continues in lovemaking. Both spouses need to take responsibility. The woman obviously has to communicate to the man that she enjoys reminiscing about the day, talking about the common love they share, and whispering endearments. Unless the man knows this, he is likely to do what seems most natural for him, that is, to go directly after what he wants. Having heard his wife express her desire for verbal communication, the man can struggle to take responsibility for his action. This becomes more complicated if he feels his wife is making an unreasonable request rather than seeing this as normal desire on her part. It is also important to attend to the location of the fondling. Most women enjoy receiving nongenital and nonbreast caressing as they are warming to the sexual experience. It is mainly direct sexual stimulation that is irritating and jarring at the beginning of the love experience for the woman.
Question: Most of the time I have an ejaculation without a full erection. Is there something wrong with me?
Answer: This pattern of sexual response seems to be a learned response (assuming the man is in good health). It was usually learned during self-stimulation activity: The boy or young man pushed himself to have an ejaculation even if anxiety prevented him from experiencing a full erection. Once learned, it was carried on into the marriage and is now causing some doubt for the man and perhaps providing less vigorous stimulation for the woman. We recommend experimenting with some of the exercises suggested in the chapter on erectile dysfunction. Be particularly attentive to stimulation before entry, even to the point of orgasm, but stimulate vigorously only when there is a full erection. Even as this pattern has been learned, it can also be unlearned.
Question: Can a man have an orgasm without ejaculation?
Answer: Some men report this as a common experience. It usually happens when a man has ejaculated in a first orgasm and then is aroused and brought to a climax shortly thereafter. A small percentage of men report the ability to be multiorgasmic even as women are.
Question: I am often unable to ejaculate after entry, needing to bring myself to orgasm outside my wife’s body. Can this be changed?
Answer: This is known as ejaculatory dysfunction. It usually has to do with some early experiences with demanding women, particularly a demanding mother, or with homosexual preoccupation or fantasy.
If this is your situation, professional advice can often help you understand the problem and provide a way out. The chapter “Problems with Release” in our book Restoring the Pleasure will guide you through the steps of learning to ejaculate inside the vagina.
ABOUT THE WOMAN
Question: How can I improve my concentration during sex?
Answer: Difficulties with concentration usually go hand in hand with passivity. As you become active in the pursuit of your pleasure, it is not likely that you will have difficulty concentrating. Focus on the good sensations in your body; go after more. Focus on the joy and delight of your husband’s body and become active in heightening his joy. If there are some persistent things that are on your mind, it may be best to clear those out by having a brief conversational time before sex so that you can leave the concerns of your day aside and be totally involved in your loving.
Question: My husband loves to have me wear something sexy when home and also to strip for him. I don’t feel I’m that sexy (being a little overweight bothers me, too), plus, I feel kind of cheap. But we love each other and I want our sex life fulfilled—though it’s often great now. What are your thoughts on this?
Answer: As we have said many times throughout the book, anything that enhances the experience of both of you without bringing physical, psychological, or spiritual harm or demand can be enjoyed with abandonment. If something is getting in your way, work together to understand what it is. Apparently your weight doesn’t hinder him from seeing you as sexy. Obviously your husband loves you. Share your hesitant feelings with him in an attempt to understand what the barrier really is. Keep in mind that teasing is a natural part of love play. As we read the Song of Songs, we keep having the feeling that the lovers were there and then they were gone; that they were with each other and then searching for one another. This may be one of those places where you push yourself past the barriers. Your husband needs to let you learn to move at your own pace so you aren’t violated in the process. What is important is that you not feel like an object in the process. If each of you is reaching out with concern for the other, no one will be hurt.
Question: Regarding submissiveness in the wife, should she submit even though she is mistreated and unhappy with the sexual relationship, or does the Bible teach that she can withhold herself when her husband does not treat her or respond to her as he should? Paul said, “submitting yourselves one to another” and also “defraud not one another.” What should she do? Is it her duty to respond?
Answer: As suggested in the question, all the passages that deal with submission of husband and wife include an encouragement to mutual submission, not just submission of wife to husband. I need to give myself totally whether I am the man or the woman, even as Christ gave himself for the church. There can be no greater submission than his gift of himself to us. Yet to submit oneself to unloving sexual activity is not a loving act or an act of mutuality. Communication is the starting point. Sex out of duty does not satisfy in the long-term. Ultimately, you have to be doing it for your own desire and gratification.
FANTASY
Question: I recently read an article in a Christian magazine about the difference between lust and fantasy. The author’s ideas were much more liberal than I had ever heard before. Can you tell me biblically the difference between lust and fantasy?
Answer: We can make some inferences from the Scriptures, but the Bible does not talk directly about fantasy. Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is” (NASB). The distinction often made between fantasy and lust is that in lust there is an intense desire with the hope or possibility of action, whereas fantasy is a picture, image, or story within a person without any intention to act. Fantasies are often so unrealistic that they would be impossible to carry out. Lust usually has to do with real people in real places and carries with it the intent to act.
Question: I have always thought it was wrong to fantasize in one’s mind about sex per se while making love. In other words, a person should think only of what is going on to get turned on. Thinking of the sex act between people in general should be avoided. Am I right?
Answer: There are many differences of opinion on this issue. Some people’s thoughts while making love only enhance the experience. For others they get in the way. As we mentioned earlier, fantasies take on so many different forms that it is difficult to make a specific statement that applies to all people in all situations. For some, the only way they know to get aroused and move to orgasm is to engage in some fantasy. Since this brings pleasure to both, it is difficult to say that they should or even could avoid that activity. We encourage spouses to fantasize about each other in unique and exciting situations.
VARIETY
Question: If premarital play, not necessarily intercourse, has occurred before we became Christians and before marriage to our mate, how can we best forget those experiences and avoid comparing them to our present sex life?
Answer: Comparing usually causes difficulties only when the spouse does not measure up to the past situation. We need to be careful how we make that evaluation, however, since premarriage and preintercourse experiences can never really be compared with what happens after marriage and after we begin full lovemaking. Sometimes it is most beneficial to be able to share all these concerns with someone. A competent counselor or pastor may be just such a sounding board. This sharing is not designed to relive the past experiences but rather to get them out in the open. Sharing may free you to move on to a fully satisfying experience with your husband or wife. Keep in mind, too, that God has forgiven you. Only you are holding on to the past, keeping yourself from complete joy.
Question: What if you aren’t in the mood? Should you go along to please your mate?
Answer: At various times, we all will not feel like it but will decide to go ahead and be involved sexually because our spouse desires sex with us. There is the possibility that we may become responsive even if we are not initially in the mood. If we never find ourselves in the mood, there is a serious barrier with which we must deal. Begin by talking with each other about this, and then seek competent help. If lack of interest is only an occasional state, it need not cause concern, since it is not likely to have significant impact on you or your spouse. There are many times when we may not be in the mood. If we are open to letting the mood change without pressure or demand, often responsiveness will come. Occasionally we might even go ahead in spite of our mood.
Question: What is the relationship between sexual fulfillment and length of marriage?
Answer: We have known couples who have been married six months who are experiencing unbelievable fulfillment. We have also known couples who have been married thirty years who have never had a fulfilling sexual experience together. And just the opposite can be true for some couples. Surprisingly, complete fulfillment keeps expanding and becoming even more fulfilling. This is one of the ways that good marriages seem to be reinforced. The Lord keeps giving more and more to enjoy as we give ourselves totally to each other.
Question: Please (not to sound smug), but how do I make something better that is already good? Both of us are satisfied and both reach orgasm. What more can be done? (This is a sincere question.)
Answer: What a delightful question! As with any other aspect of life, we can always keep growing. In the sexual area, we can keep learning to give more and experience more. We are not speaking here of greater frequency but rather greater depth of emotion and greater intensity. Expand your experiences to new places, new experimentations, new creativity, new books, or new seminars. Look for ways to outgive and outlove one another.
Question: A speaker recently said, “A woman can have six to eleven or more orgasms while the man has one.” Could this be true?
Answer: The woman has an infinite capacity for orgasms, but the drive for this should not be the husband’s, nor should it grow out of some demand she is putting on herself. Rather, it should come from within herself. Many women are fully satisfied with one orgasm and need nothing more. Others always prefer two or three. Some women prefer repeated orgasmic release during a given experience, but this does not say that they are freer women or better lovers. Any time we establish an outside criterion to evaluate how we are doing, we are not listening to how God made us and responding in terms of ourselves. Once we establish an outside criterion, we detract from what is natural for us.