So many concepts have been presented in this book that it may seem impossible to remember them all and even more difficult to put them into practice. All that has been said rises naturally out of who and what we are. There are no radical ideas, no concepts that go against what we were designed to be. Perhaps this would be the best way to sum up the message of this book: The sexual experience is that ecstatic expression of our total being—physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. When all these dimensions come together with freedom and are shared with the one to whom we are committed, usually sexual fulfillment will follow.
There are a number of attitudes that we can bring to our lovemaking experience and to all of our loving experiences that will positively shape us in relation to one another. We need to see the sexual response as natural and God-given. It is not a result of our perverse natures but rather a part of what we were created to express. Sexual love is a symbol of God’s relationship with man. This includes the physical release dimension but is much more than that. Though it is a natural process within us, many barriers have arisen to keep nature from taking its course. Many couples have received the instruction as they prepare for marriage, “Just take your clothes off and let it happen naturally.” This is fine for two animals but is not very helpful when planning to bring two complex human lives together. Because of all the input that gets in the way between birth and the time of marriage, there is no way that nature can take its course. We need education.
Even though we need education and training, we cannot think of our sexual lovemaking as merely requiring a batch of techniques or the learning of some new skills. While skills and techniques are essential ingredients to the fulfilled relationship, we need much more than just knowing the right things to do. Every part of our being is vitally involved.
How we have been trained and how we feel will affect our freedom in that loving relationship. We must be able to allow ourselves the right to receive pleasure. God has already given us that right; if we do not experience it, it is because of our own insecurity. When we deeply believe that pleasure is a possibility we will be open to variation and experimentation. We will not be limited by rules about right and wrong, but will rather be guided by our own internal desires and urges. This is one of those dimensions of life that the Bible has left open to our own desire and discretion. We have to be guided from within ourselves.
Recognizing this, we are forced to accept what the apostle Paul teaches regarding our sexual equality. We are not expected to do something for our partner that he or she is not responsible to do for us. Sex is not something we do to someone, neither is it something we do for someone. Rather, sex is a with experience. This is a tough balance to find. It is easy to come to the marital bed with strong expectations for one’s self as well as for one’s spouse, rather than letting the feelings flow freely out of one’s body. When we can let those feelings flow, we accept the individual differences between two people and the differences between men and women. These will not be troublesome to us but will rather be used as an additional form of enhancement, delight, and variety. We will not think of our spouse in terms of stereotypes or clichés that usually begin, “Well, men always . . .” or “Women always . . .” We will let the other be a person who is taking responsibility for himself or herself as he or she gives to us.
Our attitudes obviously make a difference, and so do our feelings. If we lack the self-worth necessary to be able to receive, we will limit our own pleasure and our spouse’s joy. For many, receiving is more difficult than giving. They only feel self-worth as they give. It is important to reverse that pattern. It involves the acceptance of our own sexuality, with its maleness and femaleness, as having worth in and of itself, not just in relationship to our spouse. Many past experiences of guilt, shame, and discomfort can get in the way of acceptance.
The level of commitment that we feel for our spouse is central. We must be committed to our spouse and must feel his or her commitment in return. Without the feeling of love, sexual response becomes less likely. Many barriers can get in the way of experiencing love and commitment in both directions. Whether these be anger, lack of respect, external tension, or performance anxiety, a couple can move past those barriers as they learn to express and share the love and commitment that they feel.
Even when the feelings of love and commitment are solid, they will make a difference in lovemaking only as we put them into practice. Once we start acting on our feelings, the joy that is a potential becomes a reality. That action can take many forms. It may evidence itself by special preparation that is made, by the spontaneity and flexibility that is shown, or by new ways of sharing ourselves in the actual sexual experience. As we accept our right to pleasure, we tend to be ready to lose control. This grows out of an inner security and follows the internal bodily rhythms. Having grown in our acceptance of ourselves and our spouse, we will also feel less need to follow the same hurried routine time after time. As we become more secure, speed will decrease, gentleness will increase, keeping score will disappear, and we will be participants rather than spectators.
The key to all this is communication. Sexual decisions must be made in an atmosphere of freedom and openness. There has to be the freedom to express what we want, what we need, what feels good, and what feels bad. Nonverbal communication will also be crucial, whether it is the receiver guiding the hands of the giver, a private signal system, or nonverbal communication that is felt without any prearranged meaning. In this communication, as we accept responsibility for ourselves and for any problems as a couple, we will avoid the pitfalls of blaming ourselves or our spouse and hence also avoid the put-downs and teases that may hinder rather than help. In working out problems, negotiation based on each person’s having an equal vote will also often be a necessary dimension to the communication. In this negotiation it is important to keep realizing that the only rights or wrongs between you have to do with what each of you finds pleasant or unpleasant.
As you share yourselves openly you will be received with understanding and warmth, knowing that you are not being judged. You can continue to blossom from that seed of sexual freedom within you to the full sexual beauty that is there ready to be expressed.
Set me as a seal upon thine heart,
as a seal upon thine arm:
for love is strong as death;
jealousy is cruel as the grave:
the coals thereof are coals of fire,
which hath a most vehement flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can the floods drown it:
if man would give all the substance
of his house for love,
it would be utterly contemned.
—Song of Songs 8:6, 7 (KJV)