Like any self-respecting evil genius, I have a nemesis. My frenemy isn’t an agent for good, attempting to balance my evil creative transgressions with her own works of righteousness. No, my pal Amy is a craft stalker, plain and simple. If I make something unique and lovely, I’ll see her the next day whipping up some facsimile, a Chinatown knockoff of my designer original. To call her a copycat, though, is a cheap shot; her cunning and quick draw with the pinking shears make her a worthy adversary.

In this misguided rivalry, she’s found new lows—stealing my man, unleashing wild squirrels into my apartment, and jamming up my glue gun. She crossed a line when she shrank my favorite sweater. My fury screamed for vengeance.

Torching her accordion would be a clear violation of my parole conditions. A little stealth voodoo was in order, and what a treat it was to see little beef jerky effigies of my rival go up in flames, washed back in a tasty rum-drenched cocktail. And if my mojo is working, Amy should be feeling a bit hot under the collar right about now.

SUPPLIES

(Serves many)

SEASONING MIX

½ pound kosher salt

1 tablespoon ground chili

1 tablespoon ground coriander

1 tablespoon paprika

1 tablespoon lemon pepper

½ tablespoon ground celery seeds

Small resealable plastic bag

Small plate

Scissors

Beef jerky (see Note)

Thick, cheap, glass martini glasses

Tomato or veggie juice blend

Peppers, celery, or jalapeños for garnish

Rum——and it’s got to be at least 100 proof. Today is really a 151 kind of day.

Matches

HOW TO

1. Place the seasoning ingredients in a small resealable plastic bag, and shake well. Pour onto a plate slightly larger than the rim of your martini glass. Set aside.

2. For each glass, use scissors to cut a small person shape from the jerky. Nibble on the scraps if you’re feeling a bit peckish.

3. Press the rim of the martini glass into a damp towel, or dip it in a small bowl of water and shake off the excess. Because you’ll be setting things on fire, make sure to use thick, cheap glasses for this one, and not Mom’s heirloom crystal.

4. Press the rim of each glass into the seasoning mix.

5. Fill the glass three-quarters full with tomato juice or veggie blend. I go with V8——it has that breakfast feel.

6. Add your garnish——peppers, celery, and jalapeños are all nice accompaniments——and the jerk person.

7. Pour one liberal shot of 151 rum on top of the jerk person in each glass and let the person float on top of the glass or lean jauntily against the side.

8. Light the jerk with a match.

9. Bask in the glow, enjoy the moment, blow out the fire, then drink. Don’t drink this while it is on fire——you will hurt yourself. Ouch!

Note:

Look for wide, flat pieces of beef jerky. Around 2 x 3 inches is ideal for a good voodoo doll. You can use turkey jerky for this, too. (It’s fun to say and just as effective.)