Contents
1. Fifty Things That Aren’t My Fault
2. Why There’s a Lifeless Body in Dressing Room Number Two
4. In Loving Memory of the Legs I Used to Hate
6. The Day I Outgrew All My Shoes
7. I Would Wash My Hands of This If Only I Could
8. Caregiver Standoff at the Ice Cream Parlor
10. At Least I Didn’t Eat a Donut
13. Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Nice Clean Closet
16. Diary of a Bubble Wrap Scrap
18. This Is Your Brain on Sweet Potato Chips
19. Don’t Tell a Woman to Just Wear Jeans
22. The Day I Washed My Face with Bath Soap
24. The Itsy-Bitsy, Teeny-Weeny Torture Chamber
25. The Day I Divorced My Purse
26. Stop Trying to Upgrade Your Mother
28. What Kind of Friend Has No Wi-Fi in the Powder Room?
29. In Defense of My 2,000th Trip to the Mall
30. My Meaningless Midlife Six-Minute Fling
31. Four Kindergarten Moms and a Bottle of Pinot Grigio
32. Joyfully Preparing for the Celebration of Death
35. The Last Champions of Photo Album Guilt
40. Novocaine in the Waiting Room
45. Meditations on a Sweat Sock
47. Superman Versus the Meatloaf
48. My Cup Would Runneth Over Except It Was Full of M&M’s and Now They’re All Gone