CHAPTER 11

DATING AS A
TRANS PERSON

As we briefly touched upon in Chapter 2, dating as a trans person can be quite tricky and frustrating. We’re constantly navigating people’s perceptions of us and our bodies, and often people start to question their sexual orientation for simply being attracted to us, regardless of whether our bodies and identities conform with their sexual orientation and preferences. This is because sexual orientation is based upon gender and ideas about gender and bodies, and trans people break out of that mould. Not only do we challenge the sex and gender we were assigned at birth, but we also have bodies that don’t often conform.

DATING IN THE MODERN WORLD: DATING APPS

Dating apps have become very popular since the rise of social media. Creating profiles – and adjusting them as we continue our journey – is one of many ways for trans people to establish who we are.

A little word of warning: be careful about what you put ‘out there’ on your profile, and more importantly about what photos and films you might be posting. As a rule of thumb, it’s not recommended to send anyone any pictures of yourself that might make you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable at a later date. While you are free to post whatever you want on your social media accounts, be aware that some people might take advantage of what you put out there, especially in regards to photos and video content.

If you are sending people naked photos or videos, be aware that people might break your trust and even use them against you. It sometimes happens that people take private photos and upload them into various sites or threaten to spread them unless you do as they say. If someone is spreading pictures or videos of you without your consent or threatening to do so, report them to the police as it is illegal. Just remember that if this happens to you, it is never your fault as spreading pictures or videos, in particular private ones, without someone’s consent is a breach of their privacy and against the law. It is never your fault that someone chooses to breach your trust.

Don’t ever let anyone pressure you into taking part in a conversation you feel uncomfortable with. The same goes for meeting up or sending them any form of media. If you feel that someone has overstepped the line or made sexual or abusive comments, report them to the platform in question and even to the police.

Be careful of ‘shady’ characters, such as people who give vague information about themselves, seem somehow strange, are overly enthusiastic to meet you or make all your communication about sexual things. Many people on these apps are there to perpetuate abuse and have bad intentions, so if your gut is telling you something is up, you should avoid communication with them. Don’t go to meet someone alone for the first time in a private place, especially not if you’re young. It’s always better to have a friend join you or meet people in public places.

What a lot of trans people struggle with is whether or not to include their transness in their dating profile. Some people write it in their profile, while others leave it out. Some people tell people once they get chatting while others wait until after a few dates or whatever. (There is more about different approaches to this in the next section.)

There are many different dating apps and sites that are trans-friendly, including places like Spotafriend (specifically for 13–19-year-olds) and 18+ sites like Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid and, most recently, Grindr. All the services offer different types of profiles and it really depends on what you’re looking to get out of them and whether you want to share your trans status or not. Tinder, Plenty of Fish and OkCupid allow for more casual dating and exploring, while Grindr is a bit more focused on hook-ups. Obviously all these apps can be used for different types of dating, so it’s important to find out what works for you. There are many other ones out there as well, so don’t be afraid to explore.

SO WHEN DO I TELL PEOPLE?

If only we had a definitive answer to this question, we’d give it to you. But the reality is that there isn’t a particular ‘right’ time (or a right way) to tell anyone you’re trans. Whether you are out there finding dates in different places or exploring dating apps, there are many different ways to go about telling people you’re trans.

One way is to be out and open about it from the very start (i.e. tell people when you first meet them or in messages before you have your first date). Some people prefer to do this to weed out the people who are prejudiced against trans people as they don’t want to waste their time or have to go through the effort of explaining and taking a person through a certain process. Some people say they do this also as a safety precaution, in case the person they are interested in might react in an abusive or a violent way. If a person has never met a trans person before, it might be a new concept to them to think about dating a trans person and this process can take some time and can lead to some pretty dramatic conversations and realisations. Some trans people simply can’t be bothered with that, and would rather be with people who’ve already gone through this process and don’t make a big deal of them being trans.

Other people choose to wait until they have got to know the person a little better as people’s opinion and perception of you inevitably change once they know you are trans. It doesn’t have to be for the worse at all, but people will inevitably see you differently. The decision to wait offers the person an opportunity to like you for who you are, and if they aren’t prejudiced against trans people, you coming out as trans shouldn’t change anything in the end. A person who has rarely met a trans person, or never thought about dating one, might be a little taken aback. But if a person really likes you and is into you, it shouldn’t make a difference. If it does, that person really isn’t the right one for you. Don’t settle for someone who is unsure, or kind of into you but not. If a person needs some space and time and you’re willing to give it to them, then do so. But know your worth and don’t let someone toss you around and make you feel any less because you’re a trans person. You deserve someone who likes you exactly for who you are, not despite who you are!

This obviously becomes more complicated when our bodies don’t conform, and when people who have lived in a comfortable cisnormative bubble get exposed to something else, it might make them feel uncomfortable. Many will say that they might like you, but the fact you have certain types of genitals puts them off. As mentioned earlier, there isn’t anything you can do in this situation as people will see this as their preference and a part of their sexual orientation. It is, however, ultimately rooted in society’s ideas of desirable bodies and the way we classify gender and sexual orientation. We’re all affected by this, and navigating in a world that isn’t built to include or see bodies like that as desirable can therefore be very tough.

This is why many trans people seek out queer spaces or spaces where being trans is more likely to be accepted. Trans people aren’t all straight and trans people can have any sexual orientation.

You don’t owe anyone anything, and certainly not your medical history or explanations or justifications about your body parts and choices in life. There is no right or wrong time to tell people about being trans and hopefully in the future it won’t be a big deal at all. We’re more and more reaching the point where people don’t seem to care.

WHAT IS FETISHISATION?

On the flip side of being disgusted and repulsed by trans people, there are also people who have ‘a thing’ for trans people and their bodies. While some people don’t really see a problem with this, many find it deeply problematic. Some people are specifically attracted to trans people because of their body parts, and trans women who have not had genital surgery are the main focus of this attraction.

A whole industry is dedicated to this in porn, and trans women are often referred to by awful terms there such as ‘she-males’ and ‘trannies’. Trans men are also subjected to this to a certain degree, fetishised by gay men who wish to experiment or experience ‘female’ anatomy, but it seems to be predominantly aimed towards trans women. Of course there are different types of industries, initiatives and companies making such content and many are based on sexual empowerment, feminism and sexual positivity, as opposed to the mainstream industry that depicts trans people in objectifying ways and which many people find deeply problematic.

Being attracted to trans people certainly shouldn’t be seen as a negative thing, and no one should be made to feel bad about wanting to be with a trans person or being a partner of one. Partners of trans people are often publicly ridiculed or their sexual orientation is questioned, which adds an extra layer to the difficulties that trans people face in the dating world.

Some people say that it’s important to differentiate between people who are attracted to trans people for who they are, understand what they’ve been through and appreciate their bodies for what they are, and people who see trans people as sexual objects or fantasies. Some people feel almost dehumanised when they are a part of someone else’s sexual fantasy and seen as objects of desire on account of their body parts rather than as a person first and foremost. On the other hand, others see it differently and welcome that type of attraction which is based on their uniqueness and the fact that they are trans.