Beautiful music, aesthetically pleasing sights, enlivening aromas, and inspiring illumination all serve to create the human equivalent of a stimulus-rich environment. But there’s another aspect of a brain-enhancing environment that is so important it deserves its own chapter. Cultivating healthy relationships is one of the most important elements of improving your mind as you age.
Those who love
deeply never grow old;
they may die of old age,
but they die young.
— BENJAMIN
FRANKLIN
Aristotle believed that human beings were, by nature, social animals. He noted, “Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.” Despite Aristotle’s observation, solitude can be delightful when it’s chosen; but when it’s the only option, as it often is for older people, it can lead to loneliness, alienation, and a sense of disconnection.
In many traditional societies, older people were at the center of their community’s social life. They were consulted for their wisdom on a range of matters, and they often presided at rituals and ceremonies. In our current culture, we tend to treat older people as obsolete and rarely make them the center of social gatherings.
As George Burns approached age one hundred, he quipped, “I’d be happy to go out with women my own age, but there aren’t any left.” Maintaining a rich social life as the years go by requires conscious effort and planning.
Many studies demonstrate the importance of vibrant social interaction to support healthy aging. The American Journal of Public Health reported on a study of more than two thousand older women conducted over four years. Participants were interviewed to determine the extent and liveliness of their social lives. The women were asked questions such as “How many people can you rely on for help?” and “How many people can you confide in?” Researchers also monitored the number of the participants’ social visits, phone calls, emails, and other forms of social communication. The results? Women with more expansive social networks were at significantly less risk of cognitive decline. And those who engaged in meaningful daily interaction with family and friends were almost 50 percent less likely to develop dementia.
Valerie C. Crooks, DSW, director of the study, explains, “Whenever we have even the most basic exchange, we have to think about how to respond, and that stimulates the brain. There are people who are outliers, who have two very close relationships and are fine cognitively. But people who have three or more relationships tend to do better.” Crooks summarizes the findings this way: “If you are socially engaged, you are at lower risk of dementia.”
Researchers from the Rush University Alzheimer’s Disease Center in Chicago studied a group of eight hundred octogenarians. At the beginning of the study, the subjects were all free from symptoms of cognitive decline. The participants completed an assessment designed to measure their relative degree of social integration or alienation. Those who reported that they were lonely were more than twice as likely to develop symptoms of dementia over the four-year term of the study than those with richer social lives.
A strong, healthy network of relationships protects against more than just dementia. Studies have also demonstrated that strong social networks and support groups can help people recovering from a wide range of ailments. Stanford University’s David Spiegel, MD, and his colleagues published a landmark paper in the medical journal The Lancet in 1989, reporting that women with breast cancer who participated in support groups experienced less pain and lived twice as long as those who didn’t participate in such groups. Other studies have shown that people with more friends tend to live longer after surviving a heart attack than those without a supportive social network. And even though social interaction increases your exposure to all manner of microbes, there’s considerable evidence that the immune-strengthening benefits of friendships outweigh the risks. People with more friends have fewer colds and recover faster when they do catch one.
Loneliness isn’t just an issue for older people; it has become a pandemic in our society. In 2006, the American Sociological Review published a study showing that social isolation affects people of all ages and that it is more prevalent now than ever before. Almost 25 percent of the subjects in this comprehensive research project reported that they had no one in whom to confide, a percentage that had more than doubled in the previous two decades.
John T. Cacioppo, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Chicago, has researched the relationship between social psychology and neuroscience for more than thirty years. In 2008, with coauthor William Patrick, Cacioppo published the groundbreaking book Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. Cacioppo and Patrick make a powerful case that a healthy social network is a major determinant of overall mental health and physical well-being. Together they have pioneered the emerging discipline of social neuroscience. They argue that our brains are hardwired to thrive through social interaction and that, as Aristotle suggested, we experience grave stress in isolation. As Cacioppo and Patrick comment, “Our sociality is central to who we are.”
The best time to begin saving for your retirement is at the beginning of your career. Most people are aware of the importance of saving enough money so that they can live comfortably when they stop working. But what many people don’t realize is the importance of investing in their social capital as well. John T. Cacioppo has coined the term “social wealth” to refer to the abundance of positive, healthy relationships that serve to nurture us in a variety of practical ways. A rich social life will help you avoid cognitive decline as it strengthens your immune system. Here are some simple, positive practices and principles for cultivating your social network.
My friends are my
estate.
— EMILY DICKINSON
• Take classes. Expand your social network by learning with others. When you learn chess, languages, tai chi, yoga, flower arranging, cooking, or investing along with others, you multiply the benefits.
• Cherish friendships. True friendships are rare and precious. When you identify current or potential true friends, do your best to cultivate and cherish the relationship. Thinking skills pioneer Tony Buzan and chess grandmaster Raymond Keene, in their extensive survey of the research into aging and the brain, concluded that having close friends increases longevity. And you’ll discover that the benefits of close friendships multiply as the years go by. As Thomas Jefferson wrote, “I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age…the true restorative cordial.…The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters.”
• Take the social initiative. Rather than waiting for invitations, take the initiative: invite potential friends for dinner or to a movie, concert, or lecture.
• Dine with others. As the Italians say, A tavola non si invecchia — “at the table, you don’t grow old.” Sharing a meal with others daily is one of the practices common to the world’s longest-living people, according to Dan Buettner, author of The Blue Zones: Lessons for Living Longer from the People Who’ve Lived the Longest.
• Volunteer. Caring for others is one of the surest ways to feel better about yourself. Helping out at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, hospice, or school provides a sense of meaning and purpose that keeps you sharp and more fulfilled.
• Mentor younger people. Older people who provide intergenerational guidance experience profound benefits. A study by Elizabeth Larkin and her colleagues, published in the Journal of Gerontological Social Work, reports that “the mentoring experiences allow opportunities for older adults to renew positive emotions and reinforce meaning in their lives.”
• Surround yourself with positive people. Socializing isn’t automatically beneficial. It has to be fundamentally positive to yield brain benefits. Negative relationships characterized by whining, complaining, judgment, and abusive language can, according to some studies, be detrimental to our cognitive and emotional lives. You’ll discover, however, that if you embrace an optimistic, upbeat attitude, it becomes easier to meet other optimistic, upbeat people.
• Continuously improve your listening skill. Listening is like driving — most people think they are better than average, but, of course, that can’t be true. The best listeners adopt an attitude of humility, empathy, and continuous improvement. As playwright Wilson Mizner observed, “A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.”
In a classic Seinfeld episode, Jerry observes, “People… they’re the worst.” If you concur but still want the brain benefits of socializing, the good news is that pets can provide similar effects.
After conducting health evaluations of almost 6,000 people, 784 of whom were pet owners, Warwick Anderson discovered that the pet owners had significantly healthier cholesterol counts and blood pressure readings. They also reported experiencing less stress. According to James Serpell, author of In the Company of Animals: A Study of Human-Animal Relationships, the benefits of caring for a pet are stronger than “the known effects of other positive lifestyle factors such as regular exercise or low-fat diets.” He adds, “Pet owners also reported improved psychological well-being and self-esteem scores compared with a group of non-owners.”
If all the beasts were
gone, men would die from a
great loneliness of spirit.
— CHIEF SEATTLE, in a letter to
President Franklin Pierce
Other studies demonstrate that the key to the brain benefits of pet ownership is the level of engagement with the pet. In other words, it’s not enough just to have one; it’s the process of caring, petting, and relating that yields the experience of well-being.
THE LOVE RESPONSE
Eva Selhub, MD, instructor in medicine at the Harvard Medical School, believes that cultivating healthy relationships is an essential element in improving your mental and physical health as you age. “I have found that a key factor for health is love,” she says. “Love sets off a set of physiological events in the body that help you to adapt to life’s challenges, to stop and reverse disease, to maintain health, and to make it easier for your body to improve rather than deteriorate with age.”
Dr. Selhub notes that when you look into the eyes of someone you cherish, exchange hugs, enjoy sex, or just experience loving feelings, you raise the levels of oxytocin in your system. She explains, “Known as ‘the love hormone,’ oxytocin enhances social attachment, bonding, and other social behaviors. It reduces anxiety, fear, and activation of the stress response (including stress hormones like cortisol) while increasing relaxation and rewarding feelings such as peace and balance.” In other words, the “Love Response” is the physiological counterpoint to the fight-or-flight response.
If social interaction and touching are good for the aging brain, then sex must be golden. But sex in the golden years doesn’t get much attention in popular culture. Despite the media’s overemphasis on horny housewives, naughty politicians, and pubescent heartthrobs, many Americans over fifty enjoy sex lives that are lively and fulfilling.
In an analysis of the data from two different major studies of older Americans, researchers noted that the majority of subjects reported being sexually active in the preceding year. The most significant finding, however, was that overall health, independent of age, was a significant indicator of the frequency and quality of sexual activity. The study concluded, “Frequency of sexual activity, a good quality sex life, and interest in sex are positively associated with health in middle age and later life.”
Having sex is like
playing bridge. If you don’t have
a good partner, you’d better
have a good hand.
— WOODY ALLEN
According to Walter M. Bortz, MD, fitness is a key to healthy sexuality, and healthy sexuality promotes fitness, in a virtuous cycle. In his book Living Longer for Dummies, Bortz says, “Sex can extend your life.” He cites research demonstrating that satisfying sexual activity enhances both the quality and the duration of life. Bortz also encourages us to move beyond the negative stereotypes associated with sexuality and aging, arguing that our sexuality can continue to evolve, and even improve, as we age. He explains, “Aging brings advantages to sexuality.…It is affirming…smarter, less urgent and more honest.” Like fine wine, our sexuality can become more nuanced and profound as we age.
The following recommendations will improve your sex life after age fifty — and prior to age fifty as well!
You don’t actually have to engage in sex to stay sexy. Sexiness is a life-affirming attitude that you share with others, and flirting is a delightful way to cultivate it. Flirting, defined by Webster’s as “to behave amorously without serious intent,” is a way to share sensuality and sexuality without attachment, consequence, or guilt.
The older the
fiddler, the sweeter the tune.
— English proverb
You can expand your notion of sexuality by exploring the pleasure of sensual delights in everyday life, such as by
• Savoring the exquisite beauty of an orchid
• Luxuriating in the shower or bath
• Allowing a piece of fine dark chocolate to melt in your mouth
• Opening your heart as you listen to your favorite music
• Spending a full minute savoring the aroma of a glass of good wine
• Contemplating the dancing flames in your fireplace
• Laughing — Joanne Woodward, married happily to screen legend Paul Newman for fifty years, observed, “Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day — ah, now that’s a real treat.”
“Sex is God’s joke on human beings,” according to the inimitable femme fatale actress Bette Davis. In case you haven’t noticed, the sex “act,” and much of the behavior associated with it, is somewhat absurd. As we mature, it’s easier to relax about the whole subject of dating and mating. Embrace a curious, lighthearted, open, and exploratory attitude about life in general and sex in particular. Life is an adventure, and sex is one of its more enchanting and vexing mysteries. As a female meteorologist observed, “Sex is like snow — you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.”
You can spice up your sex life by using your creativity to delight your partner, thereby inspiring your partner to be more creative in pleasing you. You can stimulate creativity and exquisite pleasure with a game called Three Minutes in Heaven. The rules are simple: You and your partner agree to focus on each other’s erotic wishes with complete attention for alternating three-minute periods. Begin by asking your partner what she or he would like you to do (besides “paint my house”!). Your partner might request: “Kiss my neck,” “Massage my thighs,” “Suck my toes.” Do whatever your partner desires for three minutes with complete devotion and focus. When the time is up, you ask your partner for whatever you desire. Aim to play three rounds.
If you don’t have a partner or don’t want one, creativity is even more important. Explore the autoerotic realm. If you need some remedial help in this area, consult Betty Dodson’s Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving.
Regular exercise and a healthy diet keep your mind sharp and enhance your sexual vitality. In a comprehensive study entitled “Sexual Desirability and Sexual Performance: Does Exercise and Fitness Really Matter?” Tina M. Penhollow, PhD, and Michael Young, PhD, of the University of Arkansas concluded, “Exercise frequency and physical fitness enhance attractiveness and increase energy levels, both of which make people feel better about themselves. Those who exercise are more likely to experience a greater level of satisfaction.”
Instead of thinking of orgasm as something to be “achieved” — like a promotion at work or a better score in golf — embrace the notion of mindfulness applied to intimacy. In other words, allow yourself to be fully present in the moment. Ironically, the more fully you embrace the moment, the deeper and richer the “results” become.
Peggy J. Kleinplatz, PhD, of the faculty of medicine at the University of Ottawa, one of the world’s leading researchers into human sexuality, explains that sexual fulfillment isn’t a matter of exotic positions or sex toys. According to Kleinplatz and her colleagues, the most important factor is “being able to be fully absorbed in each other in the moment.”
HORMONES: KEEP YOUR VITAL FORCES MOVING
The word hormone is derived from the ancient Greek horman, translated as “to set in motion.” Our hormones help to generate the motion of our vital forces. As we age, changes in hormonal levels can affect both men and women, causing symptoms ranging from depression and loss of libido to moodiness and difficulty sleeping.
A positive attitude, healthy diet, and regular exercise all help to regulate hormone balance. But sometimes these lifestyle practices are insufficient, and you may wish to consider hormone replacement therapy (HRT). When considering HRT, educate yourself on the subject. Avoid any product hyped as a cure-all. HRT has potential benefits and risks. Discuss HRT options with a physician who understands the complexities of clinical endocrinology.
Many of us grew up with baseball as our metaphor for sex — “getting to second base” or “striking out.” We love the national pastime, but after adolescence, you will probably be happier with metaphors that don’t rely on competitive allusions. Instead, explore metaphors of confluence, such as those from the world of music: consider “making beautiful music together” and “harmonizing” with your partner.
This is a general life principle that pays extra dividends in the bedroom. As the great Taoist philosopher Lao-tzu explains, “If you would take, you must first give; this is the beginning of intelligence.”
ALWAYS FOLLOW MISS MANNERS’S DATING ADVICE!
According to Judith Martin, the author of Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior: “There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.”
A study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality concludes that comfort with vulnerability, authenticity, and good communication is the key to a wonderful sex life. Dr. Peggy J. Kleinplatz, the study’s lead author, advises that we learn “to be emotionally naked while being seen by a partner.” As we mature, it becomes easier to accept ourselves and view our partners with compassion. That’s why we shouldn’t be surprised that Kleinplatz’s research shows that sexual fulfillment flourishes in relationships deepened with maturity. Kleinplatz states, “Sex gets surprisingly better with experience and becomes self-perpetuating.…Aging may be an asset towards optimal sexual development.” In her article “Why I’d Rather Sleep with an Old Guy,” Katherine Anne Forsythe explains some of the reasons why sex with a mature partner can be satisfying: “Men over fifty, sixty, seventy-five, even ninety can be great lovers for three basic reasons. Primarily, they are not in a hurry. Secondly, they put their partner’s needs first. Thirdly, they have learned that great sex doesn’t have to include intercourse at all — it’s only one option.”
A heart that loves is
always young.
— Greek proverb