Your unique, personal values are so important to your overall happiness. I’m not talking about your “valuables.” These aren’t grandma’s 100-year-old china dolls. I’m talking about your values.
Let me ask you one simple question: What’s important to you? Many of us know what our family’s values were when we grew up. Or you know what the values of your religion are. Or your culture.
But what are yours?
(For the sake of this chapter and the importance of this topic, I’m giving you permission to flip the bird to all of those values that were put upon you if they aren’t really yours. Or to anyone who tells you what “should” be important to you.)
Your values are the things that are important to you. Most people have never taken the time to list out their personal values. They may indeed still be the same as your parents’ values, your religion, or your culture. But there are probably more that you haven’t yet fully recognized.
To compile a full list of your values, start by answering these questions: What is important about the way you live your life? For example, is it important that you connect with others on a deep level consistently? Or do you have a need to be responsible to our planet? Are you passionate about parenting a certain way and want to educate others about it?
These specific things are rooted into your values.
Another way to tap into your values is to think about what really pisses you off. Chances are, when something makes you angry, underneath is a value that is being stepped on.
To help you get started, here is a short list of common values:
There are many, many more. (Do a quick Google search to find more values that might resonate with you.) Another tip is to define key values or string several together to really nail down what it is that’s important to you. For instance, what the value freedom looks like to you might look different to the next person. Freedom to you might look like free-spiritedness, but to someone else perhaps it’s independence. Be open to describing exactly what it is.
When you’re making this list, try to stay away from tangible things (we’ll get to those in Chapter 13). If you keep coming back to gourmet food and you think that’s your value, think about what gourmet food actually brings you. Is it the creativity that cooking offers that you really crave? Or connecting with friends while cooking or eating? It’s not actually the thing, but the feeling it brings you.
Once you have your list, don’t stop there. The next step is to ask yourself how alive these values are in your life. Rate (on a scale of one to ten with ten being the highest) how well each value is being honored in your life right now. For example, say you have physical wellness/fitness on your list of values, but for whatever reason you haven’t exercised in a few months. Or a few years. So obviously, that value would score low even though it is something that’s important to you. Give it a two.
A lot of times, we aren’t fully honoring all of our values at the same time. Things tend to fall by the wayside — which is normal — but if you have a go-to list of what’s important to you, it’s easier to see that, yes, values are important, and no, it’s not selfish for you to make time for these things in your life.
Here’s something that’s really important about your values: They are yours. They are not up for judgment or ridicule from others. Ever. If it’s important to you, it should be important to you, period.
The next step in this assignment is for you to look at the values you scored low on. Think of one or two things you can do immediately to raise the rating. If fitness scored low and it’s one of your values, commit to something simple like taking a walk this week.
I am a firm believer that your personal values are just as important to you as your basic needs such as food, water, and shelter. Sure, you won’t physically die if they aren’t being honored in your life, but in a way, your spirit dies a little when they aren’t. For instance, let’s say your top three values are honesty, spirituality, and creativity — they scored eight, nine, and ten, respectively. And say you work in a job where the company is doing something illegal and they’re asking you to cover for them. If you say no, you risk losing your job. And on top of that, your job is so demanding that you haven’t had time to tap into any spirituality that makes you feel good, nor had any time to fuel your creative needs.
How do you think your day-to-day life would be? Shitty, right?
Your excuse might be that the job is just temporary. And you’ll find the time later for spirituality and creativity.
But you have the power to determine what is acceptable and unacceptable in your life. You are creating your awful feelings by tolerating your own decisions.
By having a list of your own values, you’re creating a blueprint for what makes you happy, brings you joy and fulfillment, and at the same time shows you what is making you unhappy. If you find a lot of values that score one, two, or three on your list, make time to focus on them, a little bit at a time. Make no mistake — if you really commit to doing these exercises, it will undoubtedly lead to positive changes in your life. Living your life more in line with your values will help you find that happier, healthier you.