Nonnegotiables are the tangible things that when you don’t have them in your life, you feel lost, unbalanced, unfulfilled, and unhappy. These things are sacred to you, in big ways or small. An easy example here might be that you need your morning coffee the way you like it. If something goes wrong with it, or you don’t get it, you might be ready to rip someone’s head off. If that’s you, your morning coffee would be one of your nonnegotiables. These are tied into your top values (see Chapter 4), but they’re the everyday, tangible examples of them.
So why are nonnegotiables important? Because getting clear about who you are and what makes you your best self is why we’re all here, right? And if you’re your best self, other people understand that you honor yourself and they are more likely to honor you, too.
Let me make that clearer:
If you aren’t sure what your nonnegotiables are, then how do you find out? First, don’t feel bad if you don’t know. You’ve probably been running around, taking care of everyone else for so long, you just don’t know yet. Here are a few questions for you to think deeply about (in other words, confer with your heart here and not your head).
If, after reading those questions and trying to answer them, you still have no idea, let’s back up a bit. Go back to Chapter 4 and look at your list of values. (This was your list of things that are truly important to you and important about the way you live your life.) In that chapter, I asked you to rate them. Look at the values you rated the highest, meaning that they are very important to you and you live them as best you can every day. Let’s say you rated “Physical Environment” a nine. Maybe you love the community you live in, or your bedroom is decorated exactly how you like it. A nonnegotiable action for you might be that every day you get to spend time there. It doesn’t have to be a big, monumental action. It can be something small like that. (And who knows, maybe the reason you’ve had your panties in a bunch lately is because one of the important values you thought was being honored isn’t right now. It’ll be like a long-lost lover coming home when you prioritize it.)
Some of your nonnegotiables could also be one or two of the values that you rated low, so look at those, too. There might be something small you can do to start improving that value’s rating.
For example, right now, my nonnegotiables are:
Notice, none of these things include anyone else. If your nonnegotiables do, that’s fine — but keep in mind that you can’t rely on other people, so just be careful. I know many people who have family and friends on their list. And just because none of mine involved my children or husband doesn’t mean I don’t like spending time with them, it’s just that these nonnegotiables should only be about you. It’s not selfish or self-absorbed to make them a priority.
Three of your nonnegotiables need to happen in your life on a regular basis. There’s really no good reason on earth that can’t happen.
It’s a choice. That’s all. Choose to commit to your top nonnegotiables. It might mean saying no to extra work with your kids’ school or your church. If you’re having trouble fitting them in, schedule these things into your days as if they were very important appointments, like getting a pap smear or picking up your kid from school. Although I’m sure your nonnegotiables are way more fun than getting a pap smear.
These sometimes change over time, maybe even change every week. It doesn’t matter or make them any less important if they do.
Make them happen.