CHAPTER 8


Bad Relationships Are Great Life Lessons

If you’ve been cheated on, disrespected, or verbally or physically abused, join the club. There are millions of us (hence dedicating an entire chapter to it). No matter what the problem was in your bad relationship, it’s possible to move on, move forward, learn a ton, and be a much better, kick-ass person and partner for your next relationship. I was cheated on in my first marriage (I’ll call him “Cheater A”). Soon after we divorced, I started dating. Why so soon? Basically, I was heartbroken, vulnerable, and yes, a little desperate.

At first I met some nice, normal guys. But I didn’t want anything to do with them. I managed to find a guy who mirrored what I was: heartbroken, vulnerable, and desperate (I’ll call him “Cheater B”). We were quite a pair. A few months into the relationship, he cheated on me. I remember crumbling in a heap on my bedroom floor the moment I found out. My head was spinning and I kept repeating, “I can’t believe this is happening again. I can’t believe this is happening again …”

After the second time in a row being cheated on, I knew something was wrong with what I was doing. Yes, being cheated on is the ultimate betrayal. But when it happened to me twice in a row, I was forced to take a long, hard look at myself, what I was choosing, what I was putting up with, and what I learned.

If you’ve ever been there or somewhere like it, yes, it sucks ass. However, whether you’re out of the relationship, or still in it, sitting down and reflecting on what you learned can be immensely helpful to you and your self-growth. Here are some of the goodies I learned:

• If you’ve been cheated on, it isn’t about you. It wasn’t my fault the guys I was with screwed around. It’s about them — their issues, insecurities, and reasons. People who cheat are never in a place of sound mind or of their highest, best self. Many times we ask, “How could you do this to me?” … but it’s really not about us. Now, you can’t blame the other person for your heartbreak long-term, but stop blaming yourself for the act itself.
• Being broken up with doesn’t mean you’re not pretty enough, skinny enough, or good enough in bed. I spent countless nights awake obsessing about what I could have done differently. What if I’d had bigger boobs? Is she prettier? Funnier? Etc., etc., and on and on until my head would explode. Here’s the thing: There is no definite answer here. You’ll go bananas trying to find it but you never will, because it’s not about you. You are amazing just as you are.
• Being broken up with didn’t mean you’re “bad” at relationships. After Cheater B and I broke up, I was convinced I was the suckiest partner on earth. I vowed to be alone; I even considered joining the convent and becoming a nun. My self-analysis post Cheater B made me realize I was actually good at relationships (but could be even better), just not so good at picking the right partners. Which brings me to …
• You need to think about why you’re picking certain partners. I had chosen to stay in a relationship and marry Cheater A even though I knew he wasn’t right for me. I chose to jump into a new relationship with Cheater B when I knew deep down I needed to work on myself first. Sure, I didn’t necessarily know they would cheat on me, but I knew they weren’t right for me, either. Yes, I had picked them both, chosen to stay, and I had to take responsibility for that. I was such a mess after Cheater A that I 100 percent believe that Cheater B knew I was perfect for him: I was someone easy to manipulate, quick to “fall in love,” and willing to stick through anything. “Like attracts like” and I attracted a shit-pile of a mess.
• Breakups are something you need to grieve and get over as an event. Think of the breakup separately from the relationship as well as the person you were in the relationship with. What I found was that being cheated on was fucking traumatic. Drama-filled. The suspicions, the lies, the fights, the moment of finding out. It was an event. I really had to come to terms with it and grieve it separately than the breakup of the relationship. In some small way, it still stings sometimes to think about it. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything. Just because it still hurts doesn’t mean I miss the relationship or the Cheater. Just that it hurt, and sucked.
• Frequent bad relationships might be an indicator that you don’t know what it’s like to be in a normal, functional, healthy relationship. This one was shocking to me, and might be to you, too. When I met my current husband, I had to run back to my therapist. I told her I knew the relationship was great, but I was soooooo bored. She told me that my past relationships were so full of drama and intensity that now that I was in a normal, healthy relationship, I didn’t know how to act. Talk about a wake-up call! I had to learn healthy communication (you mean we don’t scream at each other and slam doors?), as well as the fact that healthy relationships are sometimes quiet and uneventful. Humph. Who knew?
• Bad breakups might help you trust your intuition. And this, my friends, was the “big shit” of lessons. I ignored my intuition big time in both my relationships with Cheaters A and B. There were times with Cheater B that my intuition was flashing red lights and sirens at me and I walked right by. I was in a place where I would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship. I was so ashamed of where I was; I stayed with him so no one would know how bad it was. My intuition never left me. It tried and tried to help me and never gave up. Finally, I could not take one more day, so I left. Had I listened much earlier, I would have saved myself so much heartache. Practice the exercises in Chapter 6 to help you become an expert intuition truster.

I completely understand that when you’re in that dark place of an unhealthy relationship — whether you’re in it or it just ended — it’s hard to see any good coming out of it and you may want to punch me in the face for telling you it will get better. But trust me when I tell you by doing the hard work and self-analysis you’ll become a better person for having been through it. I learned so much from my bad relationships, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I don’t regret one single day. For if I did, I would be regretting the person I am today.