The first time I got dumped I was fourteen. He was my first boyfriend and after about six months of dating, he walked me to class, handed me a note, and that was it. Tears streamed down my face in math class as I read, “I feel like we’re just friends who hold hands.” In other words, Mr. First Boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t go to second base with him.
The second time, I was sixteen and we had been dating a whole year. He dumped me to “spend more time with his friends,” which I found out really meant he wanted to date a cute freshman who had been flirting with him.
Then when I was thirty, my husband dumped me. So, it’s fair to say that, like most of us, I’ve had some experience in this department.
Over the last few years, I’ve received many e-mails from women all over the world, pouring out their hearts about some guy who dumped them. They tell me everything they did for this guy, that they are so brokenhearted, and they end the e-mail with “Please help me. What should I do?”
While every situation is unique, I’ve compiled a list of things that, in retrospect, I’ve learned. I’ve made some mistakes in my journey to healing that have dragged out the process. But here are the most important things I’ve learned along the way, in hopes that they can help you avoid my mistakes.
Don’t just unfriend him on Facebook, block him. Don’t Google him, don’t drive by his house, don’t send him innocent “hi” texts, don’t tell your friend to tell him you’ve been thinking about him, nothing. No stalking, no following, no “checking in.” Don’t pretend you’re friends with him. After all, what do we usually do with friends? Confide, talk about who we’re dating now — do you really want to do that with your ex? Do you want to hear about which girls he thinks are hot on Match.com? If you can truthfully say you have absolutely no emotional attachment to him at all, and it doesn’t hurt one bit, knock yourself out. But I’m guessing that’s not the case.
Yes, it will be so hard to avoid him completely. And you may slip, but try harder next time. Think about this: Do you feel good when you do any of this behavior? Do you think any of this is helping you heal, or helping him want to be with you, or helping anything? Truth: The only thing you’re getting out of this is feeling worse about yourself and your situation. Is that what you want? Remember, it’s your choice.
When my ex-husband dumped me, and after the fog had cleared, I picked myself up and looked for the fast track to heal. I went to therapy, read self-help books, joined support groups — all the things I was supposed to do during a divorce. When people said, “The only thing that will heal you is time,” I wanted to get all Chuck Norris on them and punch them in the throat. I couldn’t control time, so I wanted that theory to die. I rushed through the healing process like a banshee and celebrated each month that went by, because to me it signified that I was that much better.
Then one night I had a dream that we were still married and actually happy. Talk about a tailspin. I was furious that I had a setback, that I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I cried and frantically called my therapist. “What the hell is this?!” I asked her. And she ever so calmly told me, “Remember when I told you the grief process is a process? You go through it over and over again, possibly for years and years to come.” Well, that was not what I wanted to hear.
However … I listened and I surrendered to the feelings. Not right then and there, but over time. Reality was, I had lost a big part of my life. It was the death of a marriage. I am not superhuman; I cannot control my grief. And I cannot speed up time, try though I did. Once I let all that go, it got easier.
Left alone with nothing but boredom and time, the mind can wander; we can start feeling like a victim and depressed, start scheming up ways to get him back, start plotting revenge or other unhealthy shenanigans. The best thing to do post breakup is take out your calendar and start filling it up. Call all those people you’ve been meaning to call, start that new exercise thing you’ve been wanting to do, cook meals you’ve never cooked, volunteer where your heart tells you to, anything.
An add-on to this idea is to make plans for your future. Set goals, break them down into manageable steps, and plan them out. Strategize and list out your “Hell yeses.” What do you want to do that you weren’t able to do when you were attached? This is your opportunity to do what you want.
This might sound like the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, especially if you’re in the depths of your breakup, but hear me out. A change in perspective has the ability to move mountains. What if you could itemize what you’ve learned from this experience? You might be thinking, “Well, I learned that he’s a major asshole.” That’s fine, but I want you to focus on you. Ask yourself:
If all you come up with are not-so-nice things about yourself, follow up each of those “learnings” with, “Is that really true?” For example, if you think that what you learned is that you’re just bad at relationships, challenge that self-doubt with, “Am I 100% sure that is true?” My point is to think critically about the experience and take from it what you can do to become a better you.
Your ex may send you mixed signals or be undecided about what he wants. And you and your heart get bounced around like a Ping-Pong ball. Your ex may very well be confused, but he’s also getting his ego rubbed by you sticking around pining for him while he figures out if he wants to be with you or not. Leave his ass. No one who loves you for real would do that to you. He may be a master at giving you one glimmer of hope that sooner or later he’ll want to be with you, but in the meantime it’s your heart that is being abused, neglected, and disrespected. Total deal breaker. Choose what’s best for you, not what’s best for him.
It still baffles me to no end when a woman is still sleeping with her ex, and is under the impression that this is the answer to get him back. Truth: He’s sleeping with you because you’re willing, not because he’s thinking about getting back together. I don’t care what kind of new tricks you’re showing off in the boudoir, he’s only in it for the s-e-x. What you’re getting is confusion, false hope, emotional chaos, and maybe an STD, because he’s probably dating other women.
Most people never get to a place where they are 100 percent unfeeling about their past relationships. Perhaps it’s like scar tissue on their hearts … there is a great deal of healing, but there is still some residual sting associated with it. But it doesn’t have to mean anything. It doesn’t have to mean that you still want to be with your ex, or still have feelings for that person. It just means that you’re human, you had an emotional, probably intimate, attachment to this person and that’s okay.
It’s what you do with those thoughts that counts. If the thoughts of your ex send you tailspinning into grief, or hating yourself for what you did in the relationship or because he broke up with you, that’s where it can get dangerous (see Chapter 9). But if you still think of this person and have some minor hurt feelings over it, in my opinion, it’s normal.
(Is Kim Kardashian reading this?) If you’re someone who jumps from one relationship to another, listen up. Dig deep and get honest with yourself about why you seem to always be in a relationship. For me, my hit-over-the-head-with-a-brick “aha” moment was admitting I was a love addict (yes, it’s a real addiction, not just a Robert Palmer song). It might not be you, but it’s worth looking into. It basically means that you’re addicted to relationships, the person in the relationship, and/or falling in “love.” Love addicts can actually get high from this. It’s just that love and relationships are the drug of choice.
Individual autonomy is imperative for a healthy relationship. If your relationships keep failing, perhaps it’s time for you to spend some time alone. To get to know yourself without anyone else, to find out what you really want in relationships, your life, your future. Are you in relationships for the sake of being in one? Because being alone is harder? Guuuurl, I’ve been there. The thing is, you will spend a lifetime looking for “the one,” trying to make ill-fated relationships work, and pulling your hair out wondering what the hell is wrong with you or him. The answer is there is nothing wrong with anyone — you don’t know yourself yet.
• • •
There’s no way around it, breakups suck. But wallowing in self-pity and acting desperate gets you nowhere, fast. Putting yourself first and deciding what you really want outside of your relationship will put you on the path to your best self.