Part of living a kick-ass life is knowing how to make yourself happy. That’s not easy for many women because we live in a cloud of self-doubt and confusion about what we really, really want. Making positive choices (see Chapter 1) that lead to happiness isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s easier to hold on to negative feelings like anger, embarrassment, or sadness simply because we’re used to it.
Here’s an example. I sat in my therapist’s office one evening, about a week or two after the fateful day my marriage fell apart. My soon-to-be ex-husband had been telling everyone who would listen, including his family, which had also been my family for the past thirteen years, lies about me. I was furious. Horrified. I wanted to choke him and kick him in the balls simultaneously. To say I saw red was an understatement.
I spewed in her office how much I hated him, how unfair it was that I could not defend myself to those people that I still loved. My name was being dragged through the mud and there was nothing I could do about it. I told her all the plans I had for clearing my name, which included e-mailing everyone I knew, to call a meeting and set things straight. If that didn’t work, I would call them one by one to explain my side of the story. To me, all of this sounded completely reasonable and right.
She asked me what it was that I really wanted in all of this. I told her I wanted the truth to be told. That he was wrong for what he had done and said, and that I was right.
She said: “Sure, you can do all of these things. But …
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be free?”
I remember being stunned by what she said. Damn her and those “healthy” ways of being. She was right, though. I had to find the fastest, easiest way to peace.
For the first time I realized I had a choice to be free, a choice to be at peace. For the first time I realized I had the power when it came to my feelings and emotions. I realized that by acting on my impulsive wants, I would just create more negative feelings, drama, and chaos in my life. And I was tired. I was done.
So I let it go. I chose freedom and peace. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, especially then, in the middle of all that turmoil. Creating the ultimate peace in this circumstance also meant I needed to forgive him.
Now, granted, I didn’t forgive him that day, but the seed had been planted. For a while, there was part of me that wanted revenge. I wanted him to suffer. To pay for what he had done to me.
But the other part of me wanted freedom. Freedom from the pain I was putting myself through. Freedom from the uncertainty of our future. Freedom from who I was when I was with him. Freedom from the shackles I had created from holding on to any notion that things would ever be different.
Yes, it was a shitty circumstance. My marriage was over. I was alone for the first time. Ever. There was nothing I could do about that. Regardless of what your particular shitty circumstance is, you probably have some anger or sadness associated with it. And you probably want to act on that anger and sadness, just like I did. Ask yourself if those actions will truly free you from your negative feelings, or if they’re likely to just create more of the same.
Hating my ex didn’t change my circumstance. Explaining my side wouldn’t turn back time so I could change events. Resenting him and the situation did nothing but keep me miserable. Hell, for all I knew, he didn’t give a shit if I was happy or miserable, so if I had to choose …
Bingo. I had to choose.
And I chose peace.
It took many months for me to forgive him. I didn’t need him to ask me for forgiveness, I just did it. I sat in the car one day at a stoplight near where he worked and I said out loud to myself, “I’m done hating you. You’re forgiven.”
It was easier than I thought. Yes, there were still times when I slipped back and would feel bitterness rise up in me when I would think of him and what happened, but I would simply remind myself that I no longer wished to hold onto those feelings.
When you find yourself in your own battle, or what feels like a fight, ask yourself what you can do to find peace for yourself. For example, if you’re agonizing over a decision, ask yourself: What would make this easier? What can I let go of for this to be not so hard? Many times it’s something right under our noses, but we are so stuck letting our egos run the show, we can’t see any other way.
Remember, we can’t control other people’s anything (see Chapter 23), so even if it means letting go of a fight, letting go of money, letting go of “winning,” do it. If you have peace and ease in your life, you are always winning, you are always rich, and you are always right with you.