Believe me, control freaks always lose. It takes one to know one. I remember sitting on the couch in my therapist’s office with my then husband and she called me out.
“You’re a control freak,” she said. I had a mouth-falls-open-huge-eyes-gasping reaction. How dare she say such a thing! But then my intuition sighed and nodded.
It was true. It was one of the million reasons my marriage sucked, along with the fact that I was unhappy, anxiety-ridden, and addicted to whatever my numbing agent du jour was at the time. The bottom line for me was if everyone would just do and act as I said, everything would be fine. Great, even.
Not sure if this is you? Here’s a little checklist:
(I don’t know about you, but the above list doesn’t sound like anyone I want to spend time with. Yet at one time I could check off all those things about myself.)
And no matter who you are, here’s a list of things you are NOT in control of, and never will be no matter how hard you try:
Are you noticing a trend here?
People are the way they are. You never filled out a job application to be in charge of their feelings, actions, opinions, etc. So, why, why, why do you try to control it or them?
If you checked off some of those traits above, ask yourself: Is this fun? Is it peaceful to live like this? You may have lived like this for so long you weren’t even aware you are doing it, or maybe you do know it, but you just don’t know how to live any other way.
It’s my opinion that people who live to control are doing it to meet a need. Grasping at straws to create order in their life because deep inside they are suffering. Perhaps they know what the suffering is about, or maybe they don’t. But what I do know is that making it your career to control is not going to solve your problems. The suffering will stay. The façade of control is like putting a Band-Aid on a gushing wound.
The good news is that, piece by piece, you can peel back the layers, start to let go, and look inward to see what’s really going on.
Ready?
Ask yourself this: Do you like to be free? Do you like the feeling of freedom? I would assume that you do. No one likes to be in bondage, to feel trapped.
Paradoxically, if you try to control other people, if you try to change them in any way, you are essentially holding yourself in a place of bondage. You’re trapping yourself in a no-win situation.
So, do you want to “win”? Or do you want to be free?
Because even if everyone acted the way you think is “right”; if the people you think are making the wrong decisions made what you think are the “right” decisions, would that make you perfectly happy? Or again, are there other issues going on that you’re not facing? (See Chapter 25 if you’re not sure.)
There’s a way for you to be free: Accept the fact that people are the way they are. Is it heartbreaking that someone you love is a drug addict? Yes. Does it piss you off that your coworker sucks at her job? Probably. Do you hate your father-in-law’s political views? Maybe. But it is not your job to control any of this. Just because you accept it, doesn’t mean you have to agree with it, or even understand it. It just means that you choose to be free.
What if you took this perspective: What if other people’s journey is simply their journey? One that has neither “good” nor “bad” choices? I mean, who are you to judge what is really good or bad? What if you could accept that concept? Try it on for size.
The only things you have 100 percent control over are your thoughts. Work on them. Notice where you try to control things, situations, and people. Practice letting it go. Try this mantra, “This is what it is, and I have no control over it. How can I feel better about this?” and go from there. You don’t have to feel perfect or even happy about a situation you have no control over, just better.
For example, say your boyfriend or husband has a motorcycle and you’re not happy about him riding it. Maybe it’s one of his nonnegotiables and he won’t budge. In this situation, the ball really is in your court. You can accept that he rides his motorcycle and work on letting it go, or leave him. I know it sounds drastic, but those really are your choices. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. Try the simple mantra of “let it go” to yourself when you find yourself getting all worked up about it. It probably will take some real work on your end in order to make this happen, but it is possible.
Because let’s face it: You like to win. And letting it go will always ensure that you do.