There’s a fine line between trying to help people by giving them advice and trying to tell them what to do — especially if they’ve been clear about how they feel about your advice in the past (either by not taking it or by telling you straight-up that your advice sucks).
I’m sure we can all relate to being in a situation where we know something is best for someone we care about. We see him clearly doing the wrong thing, going down the wrong path, making the wrong decisions. If only the person would listen to us, his life would be better. It makes us crazy that he won’t listen to us, and sometimes it can even negatively affect our own life because we get our panties all in a wad about it.
Just for a minute, keep an open mind for what I’m about to say. You probably think your way is the best way, but again, hang with me for a minute …
I ask you: How do you know these decisions are “wrong” for him? Yes, even if your friend is in an abusive relationship and won’t leave, or your brother is on drugs and won’t get help to quit. In your mind, your advice seems right for that person. But how do you know that what he is going through isn’t exactly what he needs?
You might scoff at this and think, “How the hell can being abused or using drugs be exactly where someone needs to be?!” Here’s where you need that open mind.
Think of a time when you weren’t in a great place and didn’t take someone’s advice about the situation and you eventually got out of it anyway. A time when you got yourself to a better place mostly by your own free will and decision. Think of the things you learned about yourself during that time. Think of how proud you are that you got out and are in a better place now (and if you’ve never taken the time to be proud, do it now!). Would you ever trade that in and go back in time to change the circumstance to have taken that person’s advice in the first place? Probably not. You know you weren’t in a place then to take that advice, for whatever reason, even if it’s eventually what you ended up doing. Your life lessons are yours. They hold unique gifts for you.
My point is: We don’t always know what’s best for other people, even though we are convinced we do.
But here’s the more important point: When you find yourself on the obsessive side of trying to “help” someone, I can guarantee you’re avoiding something in your life that needs your attention.
So what is it?
Is your own marriage a mess while you’re trying to give oodles of relationship advice to your friend? Are you numbing your feelings by overeating while you tell your husband he drinks too much? Are you constantly up your son’s ass for hanging out with losers while you hate your job?
In our minds, it seems easier to “fix” other people’s lives instead of our own. It’s less painful to focus on other people’s problems. And if they get “better” because of your help, then you pat yourself on the back and feel validated. You feel important, smart, like a hero.
Do yourself and everyone else a favor: Give people a little credit. Remember it’s their life, not yours. What you think about their decisions is all about you and really has nothing to do with them.
When you don’t deal with your own issues, you’re doing yourself a disservice and causing more suffering in your life. When you don’t mention those pink elephants in the room and continue to act like things are “fine,” you’re not doing yourself any good. Well, guess what? The pink elephants don’t magically disappear on their own, no matter how much we shove our noses in other people’s business. How much “great” advice to others are you going to shell out before you deal with your own shit? Are you going to wait until it’s so bad it’s a red-alarm emergency?
I see this all the time and have done it in my own life. You know in your heart the things that you’re not dealing with. I’m here to remind you those things are not going to get better if you ignore them. And they’re not going to get better if you put all your energy into helping others. The problems stick around and fester like yesterday’s garbage. The pile will keep getting bigger and bigger and you keep wondering who is going to take the trash out.
If this is you, take a break. Every time you feel the need to open your mouth and tell someone else what to do, turn your attention inward instead and think about what needs attention in your life. In case you forgot, you’re important, too.
Give love and attention to your own shit. Remember the metaphor I gave you in Chapter 12 about taking on other people’s piles of shit? You don’t have to take it when they offer it to you (in the form of their judgments of you), and you don’t have to willingly take it, either (in the form of you judging their actions).