I’ll be honest, out of all fifty-two chapters of this entire book, this one is the hardest for me. The pursuit of perfection has been my poison apple for as long as I can remember. This is one of those “one-day-at-a-time” practices for me, and it might be the same for you as well. (I can say I’ve come a long, long way from where I used to be.)
If you’re reading this book, chances are you want to become more self-aware, participate in your own self-growth and development, and just generally live a great life. And if you really want your life to kick ass, well, trust me when I tell you that you must work on letting go of perfection. I’m guessing you already know that. The thing is, I know it, too. My logical brain understands that perfection doesn’t exist, and striving for it will turn up nothing but more anxiety, negative self-talk, and subsequent misery. But it’s one of those things that can creep up as a default goal for many of us.
Where I see perfectionism hurting women is when they don’t go after what they want in fear of not doing it perfectly. Fear, comparison, negative self-talk, and our culture’s pressure on women today all add up to create the perfect storm. It’s the “go big or go home” mentality. Black or white; perfect or not at all. Somewhere we crossed the line from the woman who is striving for excellence, a go-getter, and ambitious, to this perfectionist who’s suffocating under all the pressure.
So, where is this line and how do you avoid crossing it?
The first step is to be okay with the fact this might be one of your areas of kryptonite. Hearing “Don’t be a perfectionist!” and “Embrace imperfections!” is like asking someone who loves mac-n-cheese with cut-up hot dogs to prepare and serve a gourmet meal to ten people in an hour. It’s anxiety-inducing and seemingly impossible.
Still, simply recognizing and admitting that this is hard for you is helpful. Yes, perfectionistic inner critics will go kicking and screaming, clawing their perfectly manicured nails. Tell yourself something like, “This might be really hard for me, but I love myself and am willing to try.” Or, “Perfectionism is a big part of me, but it isn’t serving me. I’m ready for change, day by day.” The key here is kindness.
Second is to personify your inner perfectionist (this is also a great exercise for Chapter 21). Mine, of course, is perfect and wants nothing else but for me to be as well. I call her “Vicious Bitch.” I see her and personify her looking like a mannequin. Nothing out of place, impossibly thin, accessorized, hairless in most places, and symbolically empty inside. Yours might be a character from a movie, a former boyfriend or girlfriend, or perhaps your mother. Try to create a character you can think of when you feel your perfectionism rearing its ugly head. The point of this exercise is to be able to separate your true self from this voice. Because I guarantee you, with every ounce of my being, your perfectionistic voice is not truly who you are.
Promise.
Third is to approach this inner perfectionist with … are you ready? Compassion. The thing is, this part of you is scared. It’s so afraid of looking foolish, stupid, inadequate, not good enough, smart enough, fill-in-the-blank enough, her only way of avoiding that is to demand nothing but perfection. If you can peel back her layers and really look at her, I would bet you would not want to shun her, kick her ass, or tell her how wrong she is — you’d want to give her a hug, a break, and tell her it’ll all be okay.
So here’s the deal: When you find yourself holding back because of perfectionism, or talking shit to yourself about not being the absolute best, my challenge to you is to take a look at that part of you that really is hurting. Life’s not always about kicking ass and taking names. There’s plenty of (necessary) room for you to honor the parts of you that need your absolute love and attention in order to move past them and be a better version of yourself.
I’ll leave you with some of my favorite quotes from some of my mentors and colleagues about perfectionism …