I wouldn’t be writing this chapter if I weren’t the former mayor of NumbYourFeelings Town. I have been addicted in varying degrees to relationships, shopping, the scale, exercise, perfection, control, and alcohol. It wasn’t until I got sober in 2011 that I fully realized that I was using so many different things to numb my feelings … and jumping from one thing to the next like I was doing some kind of plyometrics workout.
The first thing I want to say is: If you numb your feelings, you’re normal. I’m not saying it’s okay, but noticing and admitting is the first step.
Some of you may not be able to relate because you don’t have addictive behaviors like many of us. But consider that if you are constantly trying to change the way you feel by using something outside of you, you might be addicted to it.
If you’re stressed, upset, frustrated, angry, lonely, or sad, do you pour yourself a drink to feel better? Or do you binge eat? Or look for love/sex/dates from others? Or even do things like sleep, gossip, or procrastinate?
Or do you just sit with your feelings and let them wash over you? If that seems like a completely foreign and scary concept to you, read on.
Society teaches us that certain feelings are “bad,” such as desperation, fury, jealousy. Even sadness gets a bad rap. Society also dictates that we should or shouldn’t feel certain ways. Or that we should as quickly as possible change our feelings to “better” ones.
Should, should, should, shitty.
I also think what perpetuates numbing behaviors is other people telling us how to feel. How many times have you heard, “Don’t feel bad!” or, “Don’t cry … it’s not that awful, and it could be worse.” And then you feel worse because your feelings have just been invalidated. The truth here is when people tell you something like this, their words have nothing to do with you, only them. It makes them uncomfortable to see you in pain. They want the hard feelings to go away, for happiness to come back. Their intentions are good, but many times it can make you actually feel worse and/or you do whatever you can to not feel the very real feelings that are happening inside you.
One of my clients had been working with me for many months. We would meet about once a month for check-ins. In one session, she told me she was facing some stress at work, which was causing her anxiety, and she was noticing some of her old negative thoughts coming back. She was worried she would go all the way back to the “way she was before” if she didn’t immediately change and wanted me to help her. What she wanted was to, in her words, “make those feelings go away.” I asked her, “Sure, we can work on this … but what if you just let yourself be and feel whatever you’re feeling instead of resisting and fighting it? What do you think?” And she responded with one word: Relief.
What if …
Remember Chapter 1 where I said you have a choice when it come to your feelings? You can choose to feel your feelings or not. But when you numb them, it doesn’t mean you erase them. They still exist.
I know firsthand that addiction can be a very real thing, and if you think it might be affecting you, please get professional help. My intention for this chapter is for you to notice what you’re doing when you’re trying to run away from your feelings. The thing is, you can’t unknow what you already know when it comes to self-realizations. When you’re pretty sure (or are absolutely positive) some of your behaviors aren’t serving you, or might be harming you, it becomes really hard to push that realization away. Bottom line: I’m asking you to get really honest with yourself about what’s going on.
Sometimes we don’t even know what it is that we’re trying to numb. Yes, sometimes it’s plainly obvious. But if you don’t know, the best way to find out what you’re trying to numb is to stop numbing for three days. When you think of reaching for a drink, a pill, food, whatever, ask yourself what you’re feeling. What are you trying to change? What are you running away from? What is making you uncomfortable?
And just sit with it. Whatever it is, know that you are not wrong. There is nothing wrong with you for what you are feeling. Keep trying the three-day challenge until you can identify what you need help with and find the appropriate help for it.