Sexual violence is the most difficult aspect of abusive relationships for teens to talk about. Forced or coerced sex is often part of the pattern of relationship violence, along with emotional and physical abuse, and it can happen repeatedly throughout the relationship. It is part of the whole pattern of abuse. Victims report that they are afraid to say no to sex, just as they are afraid to say no to anything else the abuser wants them to do. Sexual abuse can happen in any relationship, and it can also be perpetrated by someone of the same gender.
In the beginning of the relationship, the sex may be romantic, loving, and passionate, or the couple may have discussions about whether and when to have sex. Girls may feel open to having sex, or want to have sex. But willingness and consent to have sex may turn into abuse when a boyfriend suddenly forces unwanted sex, or is manipulative or threatening and demands sexual activities that are unacceptable or demeaning to his partner.
Many teens and young adults have told us that the abuse in their relationships started with forced sex, sometimes when they were just starting to date. In the confusion or disbelief that they had been raped—if they were even able to call it rape—the victims sometimes chose to reframe it as awkward sex with a new boyfriend, just “figuring out what each other likes,” even if they hated the experience.
Some girls have told us that their experiences of sexual abuse started with seemingly innocent “play fighting,” which then escalated to being pinned down and unable to escape. They wanted it to stop, but the boyfriend wouldn’t stop.
Many teens experiment with sex, and many feel social pressure to be casual about sexual encounters. They may experiment with bisexuality, having sexual interactions with both boys and girls. They often experiment within friendships, sometimes having sexual interactions with friends (sometimes called “friends with benefits” or “hooking up”). There are many different kinds of relationships that don’t fit neatly into familiar categories, some of which are unknown to parents and make them uncomfortable. Many teens are willing to take risks as they experiment in their relationships, and sometimes they take behavioral risks that they are not developmentally capable of handling. Teens often appear to be sophisticated, maybe because of a great deal of media exposure to sexuality and sex, thereby giving the impression that they know a lot about it. But they are generally not as experienced or as knowledgeable as they appear. This fools parents and peers, and possibly even themselves.
Youth culture has a strong influence on individual teens, and it is always changing. Targeted marketing to teens and young adults promotes ideas and visualizations about sex and what is “cool.” Song lyrics and the actions in video games and movies are often hyper-sexual, link sex to violence, and objectify women and girls, creating the impression that they are there to be used by men and boys. The sexualization of young girls and young boys in advertising, movies, music, and media influence the norms and attitudes of today’s youth. This hypersexualization of teens in our culture also makes teens more vulnerable to being targeted, controlled, and sexually coerced.
When we asked high school students what they knew about “date rape” or “acquaintance rape,” here are some of the responses we got:
Many adults have these same ideas about rape. The truth about sexual assault by intimate partners and acquaintances is quite different. Rape is not committed only by “strangers.” In fact, most rapes are committed by acquaintances or people who have been intimate with the victim. Agreeing to kiss or “mess around” does not mean that someone has agreed to have sex. Everyone has a right to say no to sexual activity and to have those wishes respected. Just because a woman or girl allows her boyfriend to buy her dinner or treat her to a movie does not mean she owes him sex in exchange.
Boyfriends may not accept it when their girlfriends do not want sex. They may choose to believe that when she says no it really means that she wants to be talked into it or that she is playing “hard to get.” A teenage boy may think that if a girl previously engaged in sexual activity with him, he can automatically expect her to respond to any future demands for sex. Both parties may believe the myth that because they are in a relationship, it is her responsibility to do whatever he wants her to do sexually.
While you, as a parent, learn about date rape, it is important to maintain a dialogue with your teen to develop his or her awareness of these realities. Open discussion of sex and sexual violence helps your teen to recognize date rape, to say no to unwanted sex, and to challenge the pervasive attitudes in youth culture.
It’s hard for parents to think about their teens having sex at any age, but we know that teens tend to be having sex at younger and younger ages. They could be developmentally unprepared for sex, having harmful or unwanted sex, or at risk for pregnancy or STDs. Parents should start preparing their children early for healthy sexuality. They should not assume that their teens are not being sexual. If they do assume this, their children won’t get the support and solid information they need to be healthy.
Teens may also hide the fact that they are dating if their parents disapprove of it because of their values or culture. Teens may be seeing someone without their parents’ knowledge. If teens are keeping their relationships a secret, they may not have information about sex, safe sex, or abuse, and could be at risk.
A teen who has been raped may not be able to define it that way. She may not be able to acknowledge it fully to herself. If she is sexually inexperienced, or if this is her first sexual experience, she may be completely confused about what has happened to her.
Many teens report that while they are eager to learn about sex, no one talks to them directly about it. When they don’t know the difference between forced or coerced sex and consensual sex, it’s easy to be coerced into sex or be abused. They may feel they can’t say no to sex, or not really know what is happening to them. If they don’t have accurate information, they may not protect themselves from becoming pregnant or from contracting an STD.
Many teens use alcohol and drugs, especially when socializing with friends and peer groups. This adds to the risk of abuse for teens because it is difficult to make good choices when one is under the influence. According to a recent study, teens found that alcohol helps them feel more comfortable in social situations, but they were more likely to have regrets later about sexual behavior or to have limited capacities for protecting themselves from sexual coercion when they had been drinking.10
Sexual coercion is difficult to define because it is confused with seduction. Mary Koss and her colleagues defined it as ways of obtaining sexual intercourse or other sexual activities with someone who is resistant by using extreme verbal pressure, such as false promises, lies, insistent arguments, threats to end the relationship, and threats to ruin the girl’s reputation by spreading rumors.11 For example, a boyfriend might say, “If you don’t do it with me, I’ll get it from other girls,” or “You might as well give it up because I’ll tell everyone you did it anyway.” The victim is worn down or deceived, and so she believes she has consented, but in reality she has been coerced. This tactic is especially powerful when the couple is in an ongoing relationship and it is done repeatedly. This situation can begin to feel normal to the victim, especially to an inexperienced teen, and it is considered sexual assault because consent to have sex was coerced, not freely given.
Sexting is the act of sending, receiving, or forwarding sexually explicit messages or images via a cell phone. It may be forced or coerced, or it may be something that a girl does as a way to flirt or keep a boyfriend. Teens may enjoy the feeling of doing something daring and sexy. Sexting attracts many teenagers who are curious about sex and sexuality. They might not have a sense of the long-term consequences of sexting, not realizing that their photos can go viral in seconds, out of their control. They often don’t understand that when they delete the text or e-mail, it is still out there and can continue to be circulated by others. What they think is an intimate act has no real safety or privacy protections.
A 2012 study found that nearly 28 percent of public high school students said they had sent a sexually explicit image of themselves on their cell phone or by e-mail, and 31 percent asked someone for a “sext.” Of those receiving such a picture, over 25 percent indicated that they had forwarded it to others. In addition, of those who had sent a sexually explicit picture, over a third had done so despite believing that there could be serious legal and other consequences if they got caught.12
A 2012 study by the Internet Watch Foundation estimated that as many as 88 percent of images people post of themselves are “stolen” from their original upload location, typically social networks, and made available on other websites, including porn sites. This report also pointed out that “sexters” who lose control of their images are at high risk for depression.13
Many young women cite “pressure from guys” or their boyfriends as the reason they send or pose for sexually suggestive pictures or texts, and guys sometimes blame “pressure from friends.” Still, for some teens, it has almost become normal behavior, a way of flirting, or “not a big deal.” But it is “a big deal,” especially in the context of an abusive relationship. Sometimes the abusive sexting is part of the pressure for other unacceptable sexual behavior during the relationship; sometimes the abuser does it in retaliation or out of anger because his partner doesn’t do what he wants or is trying to end the relationship.
The consequences of sexting are illustrated in the following story about Tina as told by her mother, Mary.
When she was seventeen, Tina came to me sobbing. A friend had received a photo Tina had taken a year before when she was first going out with her boyfriend, Stan. She was trying to break up with him, and in a fury he texted the photo to their friends. When I asked what was so upsetting about the photo, I was horrified to find out that she was naked and in a sexy pose. I asked her how she could do that! They were fooling around and he kept saying he wanted a picture of her undressed to keep with him all the time. He kept pressuring her, so she gave in, never thinking anyone else would ever see it. Now she’s trying to end their relationship because he is so controlling, and he’s threatening to post it on Facebook if she leaves him, and to tell everyone that she’s a slut. This could jeopardize any future career, or family and friends could come across it.
Even though it’s impossible to control your children’s use of technology, especially as they get older, there are steps parents can take to educate children so they are aware of the general risks involved. Starting at as early an age as possible, let your children know that once an image is sent, it is no longer in their control and cannot be taken back, and that sending images, messages, and personal information can have harmful consequences. Typical childhood and teen experimentation that in the past went unrecorded now can be captured forever, and sexting is a good example of this. Open conversations about personal responsibility, personal boundaries, how to resist peer pressure, and Internet safety should occur throughout your children’s lives. Talk to your children about the legal consequences of sexting. Regional laws haven’t kept up with technology, as most of them were intended for dealing with child pornographers, not high school students with smartphones. In some states, some technology-related offenses—for example, distributing sexual images—call for prison sentences or large fines. In theory, a teen could face felony charges for texting explicit photos or even have to register as a sex offender.
As part of discussions about healthy relationships with preteens and teens, parents should remind both boys and girls that someone who truly cares about them will not push them into doing things that are uncomfortable and can hurt them in the long run. There are online sites that can help your teen discover ways to deal with this kind of pressure. If they cannot talk to you about it, make sure that they have an adult they can talk to who will support them in standing up to the pressure.
In general, teen pregnancy is on the decline, but recent studies have shown that teens in abusive relationships have higher rates of pregnancy than non-abused teens. Reproductive coercion is not unusual in abusive relationships. Refusing to use condoms and not allowing a partner to use any kind of birth control are ways for a boyfriend to control and claim possession of a girl’s body and sexuality. Thus the risk of unintended pregnancy is high for girls in these relationships. According to public health researcher Elizabeth Miller, birth control sabotage is the manipulation of the other person’s birth control with the intention of undermining efforts to prevent unwanted pregnancy.14 It consists of emotional and verbal pressure, as well as manipulation, to keep a girl from using birth control. For example, a boyfriend might say, “You want to use birth control so you can sleep around with other guys.” Or, “If we have a baby we will always be a part of each other.”
Using violence or the threat of force also plays a role in birth control sabotage. Miller describes teens’ fear of “condom negotiation”—having to discuss and decide together whether to use protection.15 For example, a boyfriend might tear the condom, or force her to have sex when she is not protected, or refuse to use birth control because “it ruins sex for me.” Girls who experienced physical dating violence were almost three times more likely to fear the perceived consequences of negotiating condom use than non-abused girls.16 Current involvement in a verbally abusive relationship was associated with not using a condom during the most recent sexual intercourse. Adolescent boys who abuse were less likely to use condoms.17
“I told him to put a condom on; he didn’t.… I went to a clinic, and they were like, ‘Oh, he gave you chlamydia.’ He said it was me messin’ around with some other guy, and that’s not true.… [I told him] ‘You were the only guy I was with.’ And he’s like, ‘Oh, that’s you, you’re messin’ around.… I thought you loved me.’”
—As told to ELIZABETH MILLER, personal communication, March 200718
Sexual abuse in an intimate teen relationship can sometimes result in girls being used by their boyfriends in prostitution schemes. Boyfriends may “turn out” girls after the couple has become sexually involved. Sometimes “boyfriends” are actually pimps and have the intention of recruiting girls for prostitution, either as part of an organized gang, or for their own profit. These boyfriends are motivated to control girls in order to make money. In other cases, boyfriends in a money crisis find that they can get cash by coercing their girlfriends to have sex with others. For example, Christine’s older boyfriend had gambling debts and was being threatened if he didn’t pay them. He convinced Christine that she could save him, and their relationship, if she prostituted herself “a few times.” This was the beginning of her entrapment. She could never say no to him after that, because he completely controlled her by manipulating her and threatening to tell others that she was a prostitute. Some victims of this kind of sexual coercion find themselves caught up in sex trafficking with boyfriends who are gang members running trafficking and prostitution rings.
The pimp/boyfriend turns out the girl through a seductive process of targeting, luring, grooming, and coercing her into performing sex for money. Often, when the girl resists or decides not to prostitute herself, threats and physical violence escalate, until she finds that she can’t escape either the relationship or the prostitution. This cycle of violence confuses and entraps victims.
This kind of sexual coercion can happen to any teen, depending on circumstances. Pimps know where to find vulnerable teens, often recruiting them at bus stations, train stations, shopping malls, schools, movie theaters, concerts, juvenile and family courts, and on social networking sites such as Facebook.
A “grooming” period begins when a boyfriend showers victims with love, affection, attention, and gifts, and/or provides for their basic needs, such as food and shelter. The boyfriend also might make false and empty promises about the future, like the couple will get married or be together forever. Or he might promise to buy the victim a car, an apartment, fancy jewelry, and expensive clothes, or even purchase these things. Victims typically fall in love with their boyfriends, and then discover they are pimps. Pimps are master manipulators. During the grooming period, a pimp will typically isolate the teen so that he is her only source of comfort and stability. Then the mental and physical abuse ensues. The process is similar to what we described in chapter 2 on the dynamics of abuse: There is the same cycle of violence, and there are similar results. The traumatic bonding that follows makes it incredibly difficult for victims to separate from the person who is harming them. Kevin Bales, president of the organization Free the Slaves and author of Disposable People, explained that this physical and mental manipulation often results in a “chain” around the victim’s brain. Even if given the opportunity, she will not leave.19 (See chapter 5 for more about traumatic bonding.)
This traumatic bonding not only keeps the victim entrapped, it also ensures that she will return to her pimp. She often returns even after she has been forcibly removed from the situation—being sent to juvenile probation camps for criminal charges of prostitution, for example.
Parents can recognize signs that their teens are involved in having sex for money by noticing if they have new clothes and jewelry that they couldn’t have bought themselves, or other unusual or expensive gifts. Another important factor parents must pay attention to is substance abuse, and the amount of money needed to maintain it—that might be the motivation or the way in which victims are trapped. Other signs are a defiant attitude, keeping secrets, coming and going late at night, or disappearing for a few days at a time.
If your daughter has been sexually assaulted by her boyfriend, you should be aware of the kinds of emotional reactions that often follow. She may experience feelings of guilt and shame. These feelings can be especially strong if she has continued contact with her boyfriend. She may blame herself for not being able to foresee or stop the assault, or for making the wrong choices. She may feel she did something to cause it. Other people could be contributing to her feelings of guilt as well. Friends or family members may try to find a “reason” for the sexual assault in the same way they try to find a “reason” for battering: by finding fault with her behavior, attitude, or dress. Blaming the victim is a coping mechanism that keeps people from feeling vulnerable. The thought process goes something like this: “If I find something wrong with her behavior, and I don’t do the same thing, then it won’t happen to me.” Parents may feel so angry and powerless when they learn that their daughter has been sexually assaulted that they blame her and direct their anger at her.
The victim may have negative feelings about sex: She may feel used, she may dread sex, or she may experience it as painful. Because she does not realize that her boyfriend is using sexual violence to maintain power and control over her, she may not be able to explain why she feels so frightened and powerless. These are all natural feelings after being sexually abused in a relationship.
Isabel, a survivor of sexual abuse, describes how she felt.
I didn’t tell anyone about the rapes. After he hit me, he would want to make up. He’d feel sorry. Then he would want to have sex, but I wouldn’t want to right then. I’d be upset and black and blue. But then he would beg me and get mad and frustrated. He’d throw me on the bed and have sex with me. It felt bad, and I’d imagine myself on the ceiling looking down, like I wasn’t really there.
I thought there was something wrong with me. After all, he loved me so much, and he was sorry. He needed sex all the time, and I thought I was frigid or cold. It never felt good to me. Maybe this is just the way sex is.
I hadn’t admitted it was rape even to myself until we had been broken up for about six months. I started having nightmares and reliving the rapes. My concentration was gone, and I started being nervous around people, especially guys. I’d freak when this guy I just started dating tried to put his arm around me. I was scared to be out with people because I thought they were looking at me, and I sort of felt ashamed of how I looked. I had trouble making the simplest decisions. I lost all confidence in myself. I felt like I was going crazy.
Isabel’s reactions are part of a complex set of emotional, physical, and behavioral responses known as rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The experiences of powerlessness and loss of control that rape victims go through are similar to those of victims of other traumas, such as car accidents, earthquakes, and military combat. It is difficult to separate the effects of sexual assault from the effects of being isolated, controlled, and battered in a violent relationship, but sexual assault has distinct effects on the survivor’s feelings about herself and her body.
Young women have told us they have stopped caring about their appearance in order to look less attractive to their boyfriend or to other guys. Others have gained a lot of weight as a “protection” against sexual aggression. Some young women have experienced physical problems, such as migraine headaches or stomach pain.
Other symptoms of RTS and PTSD are loss of concentration, sleeplessness, nightmares, flashbacks, memory gaps, fear reactions of being touched in ways associated with the sexual assault, or of being touched sexually at all, and fear of places or things associated with the sexual assault. Some teens have suicidal thoughts, and some actually attempt suicide.
By identifying the symptoms of these syndromes, the victim can realize that she is not going crazy. It is important for parents and teens to understand that these are normal reactions to a traumatic experience, they usually diminish with time, and there are safe opportunities to talk about the experience that can lead to recovery and healing.
Even under “normal” conditions, teens are often uncomfortable talking to their parents about anything sexual. If you ask teens directly if they are having sex, they may not answer, or they may assume that you are referring only to intercourse, since many teens do not define oral sex as “sex.”
Many teenage girls fear their parents’ disapproval of behavior that may be associated with the rape—for example, dating without permission, being sexually active, continuing to see a boy their parents dislike, or drinking alcohol or taking drugs. They assume their parents won’t believe they were raped. They are also afraid that their parents will blame them for the assault rather than offer the support and understanding they need. Teens also might not tell parents about sexual assault because they want to protect their parents from emotional distress, and they feel that they can handle the situation on their own. Some teens feel their independence will be compromised if their parents get involved, or feel their parents don’t understand very much about their lives. In addition, many teens don’t view sexual assault in a relationship as “real rape” because it wasn’t committed by a stranger.
By becoming informed, you can help your daughter define rape and sexual assault, identify whether or not she has had these experiences, and deal with them. Ask your daughter in a supportive, nonjudgmental, non-blaming way about what is happening in her sexual relationship. Ask her whether she has ever felt forced or coerced to have sex, or if she has felt afraid to say no to sex. You may both be shy or uncomfortable talking about this. But the effort to overcome the secrecy will allow room to gradually overcome the shame. You will help your daughter think in new ways about what has happened to her. It will be good for her to hear that her reactions are normal, and that she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.
If you feel that you cannot talk with your daughter about sexual abuse, help her find someone she can talk with. If you do talk with her, chances are you will become upset when you learn about her experiences. You must consider your own need for support to deal with your feelings, but you must remain emotionally objective when discussing it with her, and listen to what she has to say. You will need to talk about your concerns, fears, and feelings later, but your daughter will be unable to listen to your feelings or support you. You might both need to see a counselor. With both of you getting the support you need, you can help your daughter to heal from the sexual violence and be open to positive experiences in the future. Find a rape crisis center near you for counseling and advocacy for you, your daughter, and anyone else who has been affected by her sexual abuse. There is also a great deal of information available on the Rape Crisis Center website, www.rapecrisis.com, and at the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) website, www.rainn.org.