I imagine yes is the only living thing.
—E. E. CUMMINGS
This book began with a question that is a universal human dilemma: How can we get what we truly want while satisfying the needs and concerns of others in our lives—family members, work colleagues, clients, and others?
The core premise of this book is that the better we are able to get to yes with ourselves, the better we will be able to get to yes with others. Perhaps no factor has a greater impact on our relationships and negotiations than our underlying attitude toward ourselves, toward life, and toward others. The most powerful change we can make in our life is to change that inner attitude from no to yes.
Very little in life may be under our full control, but the choice between yes and no is ours to make at any moment. We can choose to say yes or no to ourselves, to be either our best ally or our worst opponent. We can choose to say yes or no to life, to treat life either as friend or foe. We can choose to say yes or no to others, to relate to them either as possible partners or implacable adversaries. And our choices make all the difference.
Getting to yes with yourself makes possible three kinds of wins—a win within, a win with others, and a win for the whole.
In the morning when I look at myself in the mirror, I like to remind myself that I am seeing the person who is probably going to give me the most trouble that day, the opponent who will be the biggest obstacle to me getting what I truly want. I find it valuable to review in my mind, even if for a few minutes, the six steps of the inner yes method in order to prepare myself for any challenges that may arise that day. I like to ask myself questions for each step. This process helps me get out of my own way—and I hope it can help you too:
1. Put Yourself in Your Shoes. Can you notice the inner critic at work—and simply observe your thoughts and feelings without judging? What underlying needs do your feelings point to? What do you really need?
2. Develop Your Inner BATNA. Are you blaming anyone or anything for your needs not being met? What benefit does this blame provide you—and what are the costs? Can you commit to take care of your deepest needs no matter what?
3. Reframe Your Picture. Do you feel like life is in some way against you? How can you make your own happiness today? If life is challenging, can you nonetheless choose to say yes to it, just the way it is?
4. Stay in the Zone. Are you carrying any resentments about the past or anxieties about the future? What will it take to let go and accept life as it is today? What is one small step you can take to stay in the zone, where you are at your best?
5. Respect Them Even If. Are you feeling any antagonism toward anyone? What is it like to be in their shoes? Even if they are not showing you respect, can you still respect them?
6. Give and Receive. Do you feel a fear of scarcity in any situation you are currently facing? What will it take for you to change the game from taking to giving, from win-lose to win-win-win?
Each step addresses a particular obstacle that gets in the way of us getting what we most want in life. Each step makes the next step easier to take. Even if they may sound simple, none of these steps is easy, particularly in the daily conflicts we all face. Indeed, the work of arriving at an inner yes is some of the hardest work anyone can do, all the more so because it is invisible.
As valuable as the method can be, it will be of little use without continual practice. Understanding the six steps can help you a lot, but in the end, no one can do the work but you. As with any sport, while you may never be perfect at it, you will gradually get better and better. I like to think of each step as being like a muscle; the more I exercise it, the stronger it gets. As powerful as each muscle is alone, exercising all six together is what allows you to move toward your desired destination.
How you actually go through the process of getting to yes with yourself is particular to you. You will have your favorite ways to go to the balcony, for example. Some like to go for a solitary walk in the park, others to go out for a coffee with a good friend who can listen. I encourage you to adapt this method to your own needs. Make it your own so that it works best for you.
I have found that this journey from no to yes with myself is not a single trip, but ultimately a lifelong journey. I have been on this journey for a long time and expect to be on it for as long as I live. There is always more for me to learn. One truth keeps getting clearer for me: there is no bigger yes than the yes inside, no bigger win than the win within. An inner yes brings a growing sense of calm and contentment and a deepening feeling of satisfaction and sufficiency. If that were the only win, it would be enough, but there is more.
The next win is a win with others—our colleagues and customers, our spouses and children, and even our negotiating opponents. Once we have gotten to yes with ourselves, it is considerably easier to get to yes with others, as difficult as that sometimes can be. As we have seen, each of the six steps provides us with a missing prerequisite for success in negotiation. Putting yourself in your shoes helps you put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Developing your inner BATNA helps you develop your outer BATNA. Reframing your picture of life helps you reframe your relationship with others—and so on. The key work in negotiation starts from within.
It is all too tempting to react in the middle of a difficult conversation or tough negotiation. If you have the luxury of preparing before a problematic conversation or negotiation, you can run through the six steps in advance to bring your best ally instead of your worst opponent to the conversation or negotiation table. If you are on the fly, you will still be able to rely on the inner yes method if you have steadily practiced it over time. Even in the midst of conflict, you can stay on the balcony, calm and collected.
I have found, moreover, that the process of getting to yes with yourself not only makes it easier to resolve conflicts, but also actually helps prevent conflicts from arising in the first place. By not reacting, by staying calm and grounded, you will avoid being provoked and will be less likely to take attacks personally. You are far less likely to say or do things that you will later come to regret. With an attitude of sincere respect and a genuine willingness to help address the needs of others, you will be able to resolve matters long before they escalate into serious disputes. You will get along naturally with others with a minimum of conflict.
Three decades ago, when I had the privilege of working with Roger Fisher on writing Getting to Yes, our goal was to help people shift from adversarial approaches to cooperative methods for dealing with differences at work, at home, and in the community. But our dream was bigger than that. It was to help the world take a step toward peace. We were concerned about humanity itself, whose fate in an age of mass destruction ultimately rests on our abilities to resolve disputes in a cooperative fashion.
Although our world today is filled with scarcity, inequity, and violent strife, the truth is that, thanks to the technology revolution, there is enough to meet everyone’s needs. We know how to end hunger, how to prevent war, and how to use clean energy to save the environment. The central obstacle in the way is us. It is our difficulty in coming together to cooperate. In order to build a better, safer, and healthier world for ourselves and for our children, we must be able to deal with our differences constructively and creatively. Getting to yes may be highly challenging, of course, but, having worked on some of the world’s most difficult conflicts, I am convinced that it is fully possible. And the first radical step in the process is for us to get to yes with ourselves.
Getting to yes with ourselves brings a larger and more generous perspective that benefits everyone around us and makes possible not only a win with others, but a third win for the larger whole. The work on ourselves inspires us to imagine and to work toward a world in which every single human being matters.
Perhaps no one has illustrated this possibility better in recent times than Nelson Mandela. In prison for twenty-seven years, Mandela went to the balcony and began to observe and listen to himself: “Learn to know yourself . . . to search realistically and regularly the processes of your own mind and feelings” was the lesson he drew.
Mandela avoided falling into the blame game and took full responsibility for his life, his needs, and his relationships with his enemies. He boldly reframed the picture, choosing to see life on his side, despite all evidence to the contrary. He let go of old resentments and grievances, forgiving his enemies.
When Mandela emerged from prison, he brought with him an extraordinary spirit of respect and inclusion, welcoming people of all races in the new South Africa he envisioned. Drawing on his own inner satisfaction, he gave unstintingly of himself to others. The result was that he was able to lead his nation to a win-win-win agreement aimed to benefit all by ending the evil of apartheid and ushering in a new democratic era for South Africa.
Fortunately, most of us will not face the magnitude of the challenges that Mandela faced, but we can nonetheless take inspiration from him and make use of the same basic principles in our daily lives. Choosing to say yes to ourselves, to life, and to others, we can change the fundamental game we play from win-lose to win-win-win. And therein lies hope for us, for our families, for our workplaces, and for humanity.
I have devoted much of my professional life to trying to prevent and stop wars. Peace is my passion. If someone had told me thirty-five years ago that the key to peace was inner peace, I would have thought them utopian and unrealistic. I preferred instead to work on something more practical—which was to focus on strategies for negotiation. Now I have come to realize that I was the one who was perhaps unrealistic in believing that we could arrive at a sustained peace in this world without also doing the necessary work within ourselves.
My great hope is that getting to yes with yourself will not only improve your ability to negotiate effectively with others, but more broadly will help you create the inner satisfaction that will, in turn, make your life better and your relationships healthier. I hope that changing your inner attitude from no to yes will help you win the most important game of all, the game of life.
No matter how great the challenge can be at times, the potential rewards are far greater: peace of mind and heart that can help you bring peace in the family, peace in the workplace, and peace in the larger world.
I wish you much success . . . and much peace!