ONE EVENING MY HUSBAND, DAVE, AND I WERE going to pick up another couple to take them out to dinner. We had only been to their home one time, and it had been quite awhile since that first visit. On our way there, Dave turned to me and said, “I don’t think I remember how to get to the house.”
“Oh, well, I do!” I promptly told him, and then proceeded to give him directions.
“I really don’t think that is the right way to go,” he said.
“Dave, you never listen to me!” I said. My tone and body language let him know that I did not appreciate his challenging me. At my persistence, Dave finally agreed to follow my directions. I told him that our friends lived in a brown house on a cul-de-sac at the end of such-and-such street. As we drove, I gave him directions for all the turns.
As our car turned onto the street where I believed the house to be, I noticed a bicycle lying on the sidewalk. “I know this is the right street,” I said, “because I remember that bicycle lying there the last time we were here!” We drove to the end of the street and—guess what! No brown house. No cul-de-sac. I was as wrong as wrong could be.
I wish I could say that this was an isolated incident. I can’t. I created havoc in my life and in my relationships for many years and was a very difficult person to get along with. I was always in conflict with something or someone. I loved God, was born again, was baptized in the Holy Spirit, and had a call on my life to full-time ministry, but I was also very wounded and very angry.
I grew up in a violent and angry home, and my entire childhood was filled with fear, embarrassment, and shame. My father sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me from the time I was three until I left home at eighteen. He never physically forced me to submit to him, but he did force me to pretend I liked what he was doing. He used anger and intimidation to control other family members and me.
When I turned eighteen, I moved out of my parents’ home while my father was away at work one day. Shortly after that, I married the first young man who showed any interest in me. My first husband was a manipulator, a thief, and a con man who was usually unemployed. He once abandoned me in California with nothing but a dime and a carton of soda bottles.
The abuse, violence, lies, and manipulation I endured left me feeling out of control, but of course I could not admit that. Nor could I admit the intense rage I felt. I was bitter toward life and people. I resented those who had nice lives and had not endured the pain I had. I did not know how to receive God’s love, grace, and mercy—or anyone else’s.
Even after I married Dave, I continued to do everything I could to control the people and circumstances of my life so that I would never be hurt so deeply again. Of course, that didn’t work very well. All of my relationships were strained and stressful, and I couldn’t understand why.
Like me, many people are experiencing the devastation of strife, but they don’t recognize it as the root cause of their problems.
Nor could I understand why my ministry wasn’t growing and being blessed, despite all Dave’s and my efforts and prayers. But as I began to grow in my relationship with the Lord, He began to work in my life. As I studied the Word and all the promises it gives us about peace, I came to want that for my life, and the Holy Spirit began to show me that strife was the cause of my problems. I learned to recognize it and to resist it. I now treat strife as a dangerous foe that will bring destruction if left unconfronted.
Like me, many people are experiencing the devastation of strife, but they don’t recognize it as the root cause of their problems. They blame others or Satan and don’t realize that they have the power to say yes or no to conflict and strife. Instead of keeping strife out, they are holding open the door to conflict, all the time wondering why their lives are so difficult.
Learning to Recognize Strife
The dictionary defines strife as “fighting; heated, often violent conflict; bitter dissension; a struggle between rivals; or contention.”* Other descriptive words that describe strife are quarrel, rivalry, wrangling, debate, provocation, and factions. I define strife as a bickering, arguing, heated disagreement, or an angry undercurrent.
The Bible has much to say about strife and contention (which are actually the same thing) and points to strife as the source of many other kinds of problems. The apostle James wrote, “For wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony, rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practices” (James 3:16). And we read in Hebrews 12:14–15, “Strive to live in peace with everybody and pursue that consecration and holiness without which no one will [ever] see the Lord. Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another], to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God’s grace (His unmerited favor and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it” (emphasis added).
Strife leads to resentment, rancor, bitterness, or hatred. Left unconfronted, it destroys and devastates. It causes trouble and brings torment to church members and to church leadership, hindering God’s work and contaminating many.
If a deadly plague should strike a household, the Department of Health would place the household in quarantine. Public notices would announce that the house is contaminated. No one would be allowed in or near the house for fear they would be contaminated and defiled also. We need to be as vigilant when it comes to eliminating strife.
That’s why it’s so important to learn how to identify the symptoms of strife, including:
■ Pride (or defensiveness)
■ Bitterness
■ Hatred
■ Judgment and criticism
■ Deception and lies
■ Anger
■ Rebellion
■ Unrest
■ Fear and negativity
Anytime we give in to any of these feelings, we open the door to strife and usher in destruction. Strife kills! It kills the anointing, the blessings, the prosperity, the peace, and the joy.
Strife is not just a problem between people; it’s often a problem within a person. What is going on inside of you? Is the atmosphere inside peaceful or tense? Strife can, and often does, affect our attitude first. One day I overheard a woman railing on and on about the postal system and the post office. After listening to her about late mail deliveries, lost packages, and the cost of postage, I thought, “This woman’s anger has robbed her of peace and joy.” As long as she was so angry at the post office, she certainly could never enjoy going to the post office. Even talking about it upset her.
Strife often gains entrance through a minor issue, something that really doesn’t make a difference. For example, a friend makes a passing comment about how she liked our old hairstyle better, and we take offense. But instead of talking about it with the friend and making peace, or extending grace, we choose to replay the words over and over in our minds, feeding our anger, and thereby ushering strife into our life. We continue giving in to strife, and before we know it, we seem constantly enraged.
While strife typically gains entrance into our lives through a person, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes our conflict can be with a place. Several years ago I purchased a dress at a store, and the dress fell apart not long afterward. When I tried to return it, the salesperson refused to take it back. I was very upset because I felt it was unfair, and I told everybody I talked to about this store and their poor customer service. I enthusiastically discouraged anyone who would listen from going there to shop. Every time I passed the store while walking in the shopping mall, I would begin to feel upset. If anyone was with me, I would repeat the story and get even more upset.
God began to show me that I needed to forgive that salesperson and even the dress shop for its policies that did not leave room to meet my need. This was a new level of learning for me regarding forgiveness. I knew about forgiving people, but not places. I learned that being in strife with a place is just as dangerous as being in strife with a person. The only difference is that a place has no feelings, but the effect on the person in strife is just as destructive.
If we fail to recognize and resist strife, it poisons our attitudes and begins to negatively affect all of our relationships—our relationships at school, work, home, and church. What’s worse is that we often have no idea when the problems even started or what to do about them.
This was the case for a woman who approached me after one of my meetings. She told me that after hearing me preach on strife, she had purchased the entire teaching album on strife and began a study of the subject. She said that her family had a long history of conflict and divorces, with brother mad at brother, sister mad at sister, and children hating parents. The night she heard me speak, God revealed to her the cause of the troubled relationships that seemed to plague her and her relatives: they had failed to resist strife. Consequently, family gatherings were filled with dissension and an undercurrent of anger.
Strife often gains entrance through a minor issue, something that really doesn’t make a difference.
She said that she didn’t want to live in a state of conflict anymore, so she had listened to the tape series and learned to recognize strife and to resist it. Over time, her life and relationships became more peaceful. Not only that, but she also shared what she had learned with many of her relatives, and they had learned to shut the door on strife and conflict as well. One by one many of them were set free because they had learned the truth about the destructive nature of strife. Jesus said, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31–32, NKJV).
Confronting Strife, Embracing Peace
Strife spreads like an infection or a highly contagious disease. Many become contaminated and defiled by it. That’s why Dave and I work hard to keep it out of our home. Because our personalities are very different, we often do not think alike on issues or see things in the same way. Still, we have learned to talk calmly through our disagreements, being careful not to let pride, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, or anger come between us. When we see symptoms of strife in our relationship, we immediately confront them and restore peace between us.
We also make a concerted effort to keep divisiveness out of Joyce Meyer Ministries. When people come to work for us, we tell them during their training that we will not tolerate strife. We teach them to be aware of the symptoms of strife, such as judgment and criticism, so that they will close the door to strife and learn to take their opinions to the Lord or to the person responsible for their complaint—not to other employees. We train them to walk in love with other employees, being abundant in mercy and quick to overlook an offense. We want our home and our ministry to be places where peace and harmony reign.
Do you?
I pray that by the end of this book you will be so hungry for peace that you will do whatever you need to do to keep strife out of your life. If you must strive at something, strive to keep strife out. Be diligent.
I recently received a letter from a couple who had attended a meeting we hosted in Florida. They wrote that for the first twenty-seven years of their married life, conflict and strife characterized their relationship. Although they were Christians who loved each other, they had never been able to have peace in their relationship.
They bickered, argued, and could not get along. They knew well the truth of Proverbs 17:1: “Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife” (NKJV). Ironically, they were involved in a counseling ministry to married couples at their church, yet they themselves lived under condemnation because they could not do in their lives what they were teaching others.
They wrote: “We reached a breakthrough because of your teaching on strife. We never really knew what the problem was. But now we do, and because of that revelation, we can live in victory.”
Strife does not have to destroy your life. If you desire to walk in victory, do what this couple did. It’s not too late. Learn to recognize the spirit of strife and confront it. Refuse to be fuel for it, so that you can claim the righteousness, peace, and joy that are rightfully yours as a child of God.
*New Riverside University Dictionary (Boston, MA: The Riverside Publishing Company, 1994), s.v. “strife.”