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What If You Say Tomato and I Say Tomahto?
Learning to Live with Each Other in an Understanding Way
Kristen and I are different in just about every way. While we share the same spiritual convictions and values, our personalities and temperaments are almost polar opposites. For example:
- She keeps everything, and I like to throw it all away.
- She has over fifteen thousand emails in her inbox, and I try to keep less than twenty.
- She grew up in a military home with one sister, while I grew up in a blended family with one brother.
- She’s tall, slender, and has brown hair and blue eyes. I’m average height, stocky, and have no hair and brown eyes.
- She’s emotionally steady, and I’m highly emotional (aka a drama queen).
We complement each other well even though we sometimes drive each other crazy. Sometimes our differences are attractive, while other times they’re annoying and difficult.
Kristen and I have had to learn how to live with each other in spite of our differences. In marriage, all couples need to learn to live with each other in an understanding way. This learning process needs to start before you tie the knot.
Living Proof of the Power of Genetics
In May 2004, my wife gave birth to our twin sons. Our twins couldn’t be more different from one another. Even though they are both boys, were conceived at the same time by the same parents, and entered the world two minutes apart, they’re still radically different from each other. One is tall like Kristen, while the other is average height like me. One has lighter features like my wife, while the other has darker hair, skin, and eyes like me. Their personalities are different as well, with each of them possessing some characteristics of both Kristen and me.
I am amazed by how God’s beauty and creativity are reflected in our twin sons. They are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14), and before they were even formed in the womb, the Lord knew them and all their differences (Jer. 1:5).
If twins can be so different from each other, how much more different do you think a man and a woman are when they come together in marriage?
Think about your relationship. You and your significant other come from different parents. You probably also come from different cities or states, went to different schools, and have different families of origin. You each have unique personalities, temperaments, and gifts. One of you might be more introverted or extroverted, and you probably have different vocational skills and dreams. Furthermore, one of you is a male and the other is a female. You are in a relationship with someone who is a completely different person.
Sometimes those differences are very attractive—that might be what initially brought you into a dating relationship. Yet sometimes those differences will drive you nuts. You’ll question their sanity and wonder what planet they are from—and what was wrong with their parents!
In her book Reading People, Anne Bogel shares some great wisdom: “When you understand yourself better—your strengths and weaknesses, emotional needs, and driving motivations—it is much easier to understand others as well, especially when they aren’t like you.”1 Your spouse probably isn’t like you, so once you admit this truth, you will have a much better opportunity to deal with your differences.
How will you and your future spouse handle your differences? Will they push you apart, or can you work through them in a way that might actually draw you closer together as a couple? Fortunately, God’s Word gives us the solution to how we can survive, and even thrive, being married to someone who is different than ourselves.
My friends Eric and Julie met in 1982 at a church party where friends played a game, won fake money, and then bid on prizes with their winnings. When the time came to bid on prizes, they pooled their winnings to buy some Dallas Mavericks basketball tickets.
Eric: Right off the bat, I liked how much Julie enjoyed sports. A woman who picked the prize of NBA tickets was all right in my book! She coached basketball, was quite feisty, and was no stranger to technical fouls. I really appreciated that she wasn’t high maintenance, was easy to please, and could cook like nobody’s business!
Julie: I loved how funny Eric was and how he could easily make me laugh. I also loved his blond hair, blue eyes, and big smile. He had a great friend group of Christian guys, was fun to be with, and had a unique ability to put me at ease.
Over a golf game with some guys, Eric realized he loved Julie and wished he was with her and not sweating in the August heat with a bunch of dudes.
Eric: I was ready to take the next step in my relationship with Julie. When I talked to her dad about marriage, he warned me, “Julie can’t tell time and can’t tell distance, but if you can handle that, you’ll be good!” Her family was amazed that someone was able to tame Julie! I knew we were very different from one another.
Julie: He’s a planner, and I’m spontaneous. He likes to be on time (better yet, early), while I am just fine getting there late. I live life full of grace, while he holds high expectations. He looks at life through the lens of reality, whereas I tend to look at life through rose-colored glasses.
Each knew the other wasn’t perfect, and they knew plenty of challenges lay ahead of them because of their differences. They married in 1984, and love each other more now than when they said “I do.”
Living with Each Other in an Understanding Way
Whether you’re similar to each other or as different from each other as Eric and Julie are, you and your significant other will need to work through some challenges related to your personality and wiring. How can you live with your future spouse when so many differences exist between you? Will you be able to handle those differences in a way that allows you to grow in oneness, or will you drive each other crazy?
In 1 Peter 3, the apostle Peter discusses how spouses should respect each other in marriage. In verse 7, Peter writes, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (ESV).
In his notes on 1 Peter, Dr. Tom Constable said the following:
By comparing a wife to a “weaker” vessel, Peter was not implying that wives or women are inferior to husbands or males, or that they are weaker in every way or most ways. Obviously, in many marriages the wife is the stronger person: emotionally, mentally, spiritually, morally, socially, and/or physically. Nevertheless, physically the wife is usually weaker than her husband. Men tend to choose as their wives women who are not as strong or muscular as they are. Furthermore, men are generally physically stronger than women. In view of this, husbands need to treat their wives with special consideration.2
In no way did Peter see the wife as inferior to her husband. Rather, he highlighted the fact that usually the woman is weaker physically. The man and woman are equal in value and worth and are coheirs of the grace of life but play different roles in marriage as defined by God (more on this in chapter 6).
The principle from this passage applies equally to men and women: live with your spouse in a way that shows you understand them. This means you must make the effort to get to know them. If you don’t, Peter said, your prayers will be hindered. If you choose to not live with your spouse in a way that shows you know and understand them, your spiritual life will be affected.
Five Ways to Get to Know Each Other
How do you learn how to live with your spouse in an understanding way? Here are five ways to get to know each other before you tie the knot.
1. Be a Student of Your Significant Other
When you studied for a test in school, you did research, read, asked questions, took notes, and put effort into learning about the subject matter. In a similar way, when you’re pursuing someone with a view toward engagement and mar riage,you need to make some effort and learn more about them.
Ask fun questions and serious questions. Put down your phone and spend time being a student of your future spouse. The more you do this before you get married, the better. You’ll learn more about your significant other, which will allow you to better prepare for marriage. For example, ask them:
- What do you like to do for fun?
- What is God teaching you these days?
- What’s your favorite movie? Book? TV show?
- What’s your favorite holiday? Why?
- What kind of gifts do you like to get?
- What’s your love language?3
- What’s your favorite sport? Your favorite team? Even more fun: What’s your least favorite team?
- What do you love most about your job? What do you dislike the most?
- What’s your favorite book of the Bible?
- What’s your favorite restaurant? Favorite type of food? Beverage?
That’s just a brief list; I’m sure you can think of many more. Ask questions and get to know your significant other.
Note that this process does not end after you get married. Hopefully you will continue to have these conversations on a consistent basis as a married couple. You must be intentional. Without effort or intention, you will not grow in this area. Being a student of another human being takes effort, so be prepared to make some effort to know your significant other.
2. Don’t Hide Your Differences
You’ve done some work and learned more about your future spouse. What happens when you discover just how different you are from your significant other?
When we hide or minimize our differences because we don’t want others to reject us, problems arise. We don’t let each other see our struggles, sins, or quirks because we believe the relationship will end if they see our faults. However, when you get married, you become “one flesh” with your spouse (Gen. 2:24). This means you must no longer hide or minimize your problems. When you unconditionally love and accept one another, the relationship will be safe.
I see big warning signs when an individual has something they don’t want to tell their spouse. For example, if you were sexually abused as a child, you need to share this with your spouse, preferably before getting married. You’re a victim of a terrible sin done to you by someone else and understandably might be reluctant to talk about your past abuse. But when love, acceptance, and safety are not present in the relationship, you might not feel safe sharing about the past. This would be a yellow or red light.
Most of the time when we’re afraid to share something with a person we’re dating, it’s because we live in fear that they might break up with us after we tell them. Don’t give the Swiss cheese version of the truth. Choose to give your significant other the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Without truth, you prevent oneness.
Premarried couples often see the world through rose-colored glasses. Choose to take off those love goggles and see your relationship rightly. If not, someday you and your spouse may be like strangers.
3. Embrace Your Differences
Once you and your significant other understand how you are different from each other, what’s the next step? You must embrace your differences.
Most of our differences are not wrong, and typically our differences are characteristics of how God made us as individuals. When you have issues with your spouse and the way they are made, your issues aren’t really with your significant other but with the God who made them.
Look for the good in your differences. There is a reason you were attracted to your significant other in the first place!
4. Celebrate Your Differences
After you understand and embrace your differences, you celebrate them. Celebrate your Maker for the ways He created each of you. Your differences don’t surprise God. Celebrate the ways you are different from each other and thank God for those differences.
In addition, celebrate the fact that the Lord can use your differences to help make each of you more like Jesus. It is not good for us to be alone (Gen. 2:18), and by design He chooses to use others to help shape each of us to become more like Christ (Rom. 8:29; Eph. 5:25–28).
Eric: We can’t expect our significant other to change. Most of our differences will not change. For example, I’ll more than likely always like to be on time. But I’ve learned to put Julie’s desires before my own. I don’t pace the house stomping my feet or sit in the car honking the horn when I’m ready to leave. Rather, I choose to live with Julie in an understanding way, knowing I can better love her by putting her needs and desires first.
Julie: I do the same thing for him in different areas of marriage. We get to follow the example of Jesus when we consider the other person as more important than ourselves (Phil. 2:3). I can do the same thing for Eric by getting ready earlier even when I don’t want to.
5. Listen Well and Show You Care
In 1 Peter 3:7, Peter challenges spouses to live with each other in a way that communicates you understand your significant other. This is the challenge you will face every day after you say “I do.”
My friends Greg and Lori shared a great story that illustrates this challenge. When Greg and Lori had a one-year-old boy, they were invited to an out-of-town wedding. It was the first time they left their son with friends for longer than a few hours on a date night. As you can imagine, they were filled with anxiety about leaving their son overnight. Their conversation that day went something like this:
Lori: I’m concerned about leaving our son because we’ve never left him with anyone this long. And he’s still having some eating issues.
Greg: He’ll be fine. Our friends know what they’re doing—they have three kids of their own and will be able to take good care of him.
Lori: I know, but I’m still concerned. Plus, I’m worried—
Greg: (Cutting her off) You’re getting anxious about nothing. They’ll be fine, and it will be good for us to get away.
While Greg was right, he did not live with his wife in an understanding way. He cut her off and didn’t listen well.
When Greg realized he was trying to fix the problem instead of listening to his wife, he apologized and asked for forgiveness. He realized he wasn’t living with Lori in a way that showed he cared for her.
When you live with each other in an understanding way, you become more like Jesus Christ. You don’t conform to the image of your spouse but to the image of Jesus. When you marry someone, God intends for you to grow in holiness and to become more like Christ.
The Rest of the Story
Eric and Julie are about to celebrate thirty-five years of married life. Over the years, they have learned to understand and celebrate their differences. They’re one of the funnest couples I know, and everyone they meet loves spending time with them largely because of how their differences strengthen their marriage. And like their first date many years ago, they still love going to Mavericks games together.
Marriage provides us with the opportunity to address our struggles, selfishness, and sin. And when we slowly chip away at those areas, we begin to look more like Jesus. Marriage will change you. I pray your future spouse, as you live with them in an understanding way, will help you become more like Jesus.
- What are some of the biggest differences between you and your significant other? Identify them and prepare to discuss these differences with each other.
- What are some of your characteristics or traits that might make you a challenging spouse? For example, if you almost always run behind schedule, how might that make life challenging for your spouse?
- What concerns do you have about your significant other’s personality and wiring that might make things challenging in your marriage?
Strengthening Our Knot
- Discuss your answers to the Am I Ready? questions about living with each other in an understanding way.
- Take some time to talk about your differences. What excites you about some of your differences? What concerns do you have about your different wiring?
- Go to 5LoveLanguages.com and discover each of your love languages. Discuss specific ways that you can best serve each other according to your love language.
Closing Prayer
Lord, thank You for the ways You have made each of us in a unique way. Thank You that we’re made with different wirings and gifts. Help us to live with each other in an understanding way after we get married, and please help us start that process right now. Help us to understand, embrace, and celebrate our differences. Please help us to look for ways to serve each other according to our unique wiring. We pray our differences will help us become more like Christ. In Jesus’s name, we pray. Amen.