Notes

The Best $20 You Will Spend on Your Relationship

1. “Average Wedding Cost,” Cost of Wedding, accessed June 26, 2018, http://www.costofwedding.com.

Chapter 1  What Is the Point of Marriage Anyway?

1. Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2010). Sacred Marriage is among my favorite marriage books. It’s a great book to read after you get married.

2. It’s hard to believe, but this is a real question people ask. See my blog post “The Most Frustrating Marriage Article I Have Ever Read,” Scott Kedersha, April 13, 2016, http://www.scottkedersha.com/frustrating/.

3. Andreas Köstenberger provides an excellent discussion on the contract, sacrament, and covenant views of marriage in his helpful book, God, Marriage, and Family, 2nd ed. (Carol Stream, IL: Crossway, 2010).

4. Thomas, Sacred Marriage, 11.

5. For further study, see Genesis 2:24–25; Matthew 19:4–6; Ephesians 5:31–32.

6. For more information about re|engage, see http://www.reengage.org.

Chapter 2  Are We Looking to Win or Seeking to Understand?

1. Throughout the book I use the terms Christian or follower of Christ synonymously. Someone who is a Christian is a person who realizes they need a Lord and Savior. They realize their sin separates them from the perfect, holy, loving God. We’re all sinners (Rom. 3:23), and because of our sin we fall far short of the glory of God. Our sin leads to death, both physical and spiritual (Rom. 6:23). But God demonstrates His love for us by sending His perfect Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins (Rom. 5:8). If you admit you’re a sinner, then all you need to do is believe in what Jesus did on the cross for you and me. You can’t behave your way into a relationship with God; you simply believe in what Jesus did, and afterward you choose to follow Him all the days of your life.

2. When I use the word conflict, I do not mean physical fighting. I am using conflict synonymously with argument or disagreement.

3. For example, see Proverbs 10:14, 12:15, 15:15, and 26:11, among many others.

Chapter 3  How Much Does Our Faith Really Matter?

1. My church, Watermark Community Church, provides a helpful guide on baptism that you can find at http://cms-cloud.watermark.org/WM-Baptism-Guide-2017_09.pdf?mtime=20170922113103. Also, Romans 6:1–14 provides a great description of baptism.

2. For a funny video on picking your church home, watch “meChurch 2” from my friend Rob Thomas and Igniter Media, available at http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/4559-mechurch-2.

3. I recorded a short video with Todd Wagner, the lead pastor of my church, answering the question, “Is It Important That I Go to the Same Church as the Person I’m Dating?” at Real Truth Real Quick, October 15, 2016, http://realtruthrealquick.com/important-go-church-person-dating.

4. Join the Journey: http://www.jointhejourney.com. YouVersion: http://www.youversion.com.

5. If you are looking for extra reading on how to most honor Christ on your wedding day, check out Catherine Parks, A Christ-Centered Wedding: Rejoicing in the Gospel on Your Big Day (Nashville: B&H, 2014).

Chapter 4  What If You Say Tomato and I Say Tomahto?

1. Anne Bogel, Reading People: How Seeing the World through the Lens of Personality Changes Everything (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2017), 24.

2. Tom Constable, “Notes on 1 Peter, 2017 edition,” Plano Bible Chapel, accessed June 27, 2018, http://www.planobiblechapel.org/tcon/notes/html/nt/1peter/1peter.htm.

3. To learn more about your love language, see “Discover Your Love Language,” The 5 Love Languages, http://www.5lovelanguages.com.

Chapter 5  Will We Clip Coupons or Max Out Credit Cards?

1. American Institute of CPAs, “AICPA Survey: Finances Causing Rifts for American Couples,” AICPA, May 4, 2012, http://www.aicpa.org/press/pressreleases/2012/finances-causing-rifts-for-american-couples.html.

2. Ben Patterson, The Great Essentials (Waco, TX: Word, 1987), 17.

3. For more information about Dave Ramsey and Financial Peace University, see http://www.daveramsey.com.

Chapter 6  Who’s in Charge, and What Are Our Biblical Roles?

1. From Watermark Community Church, “What We Believe,” http://www.watermark.org/dallas/about/beliefs (Deut. 6:4; Matt. 28:19–20; 2 Cor. 13:14; see also 1 Cor. 8:6; Col. 2:9; Acts 5:3–4).

2. Thanks to my friend David Leventhal for his input on this question.

3. Blake Holmes, director of Dallas Campus Ministries and the Watermark Institute at Watermark Community Church, did an excellent two-part series on how to make decisions. I encourage you to check it out at http://www.watermark.org/message/2612.

Chapter 7  How Can We Pursue Emotional Intimacy?

1. Dave and Ashley Willis, The Naked Truth about Sex and Marriage (Augusta, GA: Willis Family Media, 2017), 20.

2. Robert Wynne, “What Does a Public Relations Agency Do?” Forbes, April 10, 2013, http://www.forbes.com/sites/robertwynne/2013/04/10/what-does-a-public-relations-agency-do/#4558a40275d9.

3. This Is Us, season 2, episode 1,“A Father’s Advice,” directed by Ken Olen, written by Dan Fogelman, aired September 26, 2017, on NBC.

Chapter 8  What Do We Need to Know about Sex?

1. Watermark has an incredible ministry for young adults called The Porch. I highly recommend you check out their website, blog, and sermon library: http://www.theporch.live.

2. Choosing to serve your spouse sexually does not mean you ever allow them to abuse you or do anything to you against your will. If your spouse forces you to do anything with them sexually, against your will, please get some help from a trusted friend, mentor, pastor, or counselor.

3. For more on this question, check out this video by my pastor, Todd Wagner: “How Far Is Too Far in a Dating Relationship?” Real Truth Real Quick, June 21, 2014, http://www.realtruthrealquick.com/how-far-is-too-far.

4. I’ve compiled a list of helpful resources (sermons, books, articles) about pornography on my blog. See Scott Kedersha, “Stuff I Like Saturday: I Hate Porn Edition,” Scott Kedersha, July 25, 2015, http://www.scottkedersha.com/sils7.

5. I share my story about my struggle with porn in my blog post “How Porn Nearly Ruined My Life,” Scott Kedersha, July 13, 2015, www.scottkedersha.com/pornography.

6. re:generation recovery: http://www.regenerationrecovery.org; Celebrate Recovery: http://www.celebraterecovery.com.

7. If abortion is part of your story, please check out some of the resources Watermark has made available for men and women at “Someone Cares,” http://www.watermark.org/someonecares.

8. For resources about discussing your sexual past, check out the following posts: Jonathan Pokluda, “Dating Questions—Discussing Your Sexual Past,” The Porch, March 16, 2015, http://www.theporch.live/blogs/discussing-your-sexual-past; Jonathan Pokluda, “Dating Questions: When Should I Share My Past,” The Porch, February 27, 2015, http://www.theporch.live/blogs/when-should-i-share-my-past.

9. Jud Wilhite, That Crazy Little Thing Called Love: The Soundtrack of Marriage, Sex, and Faith (Colorado Springs: Standard, 2007), 75.

10. Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (New York: Dutton, 2011), 215.

Chapter 10  Are We Roomies for Life or Best Friends?

1. My friend Mike wrote a great guest post on my blog about inside jokes and rituals in marriage. Check it out at “How Inside Jokes and Rituals Can Strengthen Your Marriage,” August 21, 2017, Scott Kedersha, http://www.scottkedersha.com/marriage.

2. Emily Loerke, “Weekly Questions,” Today’s Letters, November 8, 2015, http://www.todaysletters.com/p/tuesday-questions.html.

3. This quote has been attributed to various sources, but it is most often attributed to Martin Luther.

4. I’ve accumulated a collection of date night ideas for any couple. To download your own killer date night list, go to “124 Killer Date Night Ideas, 2017 Updated & Revised,” Scott Kedersha, May 1, 2014, www.scottkedersha.com/datenight.

5. For some more practical suggestions on how to handle opposite-sex friendships and how you can strengthen your relationship and build trust, check out this post I wrote on the Watermark Community Church marriage blog: “6 Ways You Can Strengthen Your Marriage,” May 19, 2017, http://www.watermark.org/blog/6-ways-you-can-strengthen-your-marriage.

6. Michael Hyatt, “Why Speaking Well of Your Spouse Is So Important,” MichaelHyatt.com, February 12, 2016, http://www.michaelhyatt.com/why-speaking-well-of-your-spouse-is-so-important.

Chapter 11  None of Their Business or Better Together?

1. Thanks to my friend and coworker Scott Coy for these helpful questions.

2. Keller, The Meaning of Marriage, 153.

3. Clay Scroggins, “Naked and Afraid: Opening Up without Falling Apart,” message delivered March 12, 2017, North Point Community Church, Alpharetta, GA, http://www.npnights.org/connect/naked-afraid.

Chapter 12  What about the Kids?

1. Check out Todd Wagner’s video, “Is It OK for a Christian to Use Birth Control?” Real Truth Real Quick, April 9, 2016, http://www.realtruthrealquick.com/birth-control. Additionally, The Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas, has written a helpful position paper on contraception and reproductive technology, “Should Christians Use Contraceptive Methods and Reproductive Technologies?” February 7, 2013, http://www.tvcresources.net/resource-library/articles/should-christians-use-contraceptive-methods-and-reproductive-technologies.

2. Ron Deal has written several books on stepfamilies that are outstanding. In particular, check out The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family (Bloomington, MN: Bethany House, 2014).

How Do We Break Up, Stop Having Sex, and Eight Other Frequently Asked Questions

1. Ellen McCarthy, The Real Thing: Lessons on Love and Life from a Wedding Reporter’s Notebook (New York: Ballantine, 2015), 131.

2. For more input on when and why to break up, listen to this message from David Marvin: “When to Break Up,” The Porch, September 20, 2016, http://www.theporch.live/messages/4260.

3. I am not giving license for any kind of abuse here. If your spouse/significant other abuses you, get help. Widen the circle, protect yourself, and get counsel from people who love you and will help you.

4. For more on this very relevant question, check out the video from my pastor, Todd Wagner, “Is It OK for a Christian to Get a Prenuptial Agreement?” Real Truth Real Quick, June 15, 2014, http://www.realtruthrealquick.com/prenuptial-agreement.

5. Belinda Luscombe, “Porn and the Threat to Virility,” Time (April 11, 2016): 40–47.

6. As mentioned in chapter 8, I’ve compiled a list of helpful resources (sermons, books, articles, etc.) about pornography. You can find this list at Scott Kedersha, “Stuff I Like Saturday: I Hate Porn Edition,” Scott Kedersha, July 25, 2015, http://www.scottkedersha.com/sils7.

7. Thank you to my pastor, Todd Wagner, for this genius play on words.