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None of Their Business or Better Together?
Pursuing Community as a Couple
When I lived in Atlanta, God used a group of friends to transform my life as a new Christian. I grew up far from the Lord and didn’t even hear the gospel until I was twenty-two. When I finally grasped the truth of the gospel, the grace of God rocked my sinful world. The gospel changed every part of my life—except for one nasty sin habit I didn’t want to give up right away.
After almost two decades of hiding an addiction to pornography, I finally confessed my struggle to a group of single male friends. I fully expected condemnation, judgment, and a swift kick out of the church after I confessed. Instead, I found grace, love, and truth from a group of fellow strugglers.
Fast-forward a few years to my first Christian dating relationship (Kristen). Once again, my Christian community played a huge role in helping me navigate the ups and downs of this relationship. My friends encouraged me to end the dating relationship because of some unhealthy dynamics, including a lack of purity. The bigger problem was that my life revolved around Kristen. If she was nice to me, it was a good day. If she didn’t give me attention, I’d get sad. I was pretty pathetic! My friends challenged me to pursue greater intimacy with Jesus.
Also in Atlanta, Kristen’s life transformed because of the women in her community group. Kristen was on-again, off-again dating a nonbeliever and consistently chose less than God’s best because of her people-pleasing personality and insecurities. She dated me during the off-again seasons. Her friends challenged her to end her relationship with this other guy and with me so she could pursue a deeper, obedient relationship with Christ.
From there, Kristen and I both grew in our relationships with Christ. We dove deeper into our friendships and started to serve in our church. After around six months, with the encouragement of our community groups, Kristen and I started dating again, this time radically transformed by God’s Word, His people, and His Spirit. The same friends who had urged us to end our prior relationship now encouraged us to start dating again.
Because of the important role our friends played in our lives, Kristen and I have made a commitment to never live apart from biblical community. Your view on community and friendships as an individual and as a couple will play a massive role in helping you get ready for marriage and helping you get established after you tie the knot.
Can you imagine having a group of friends who love and “spur [you] on toward love and good deeds” (Heb. 10:24)? A group of friends God could use to change every part of your world? How different would your life and relationship with Jesus be? Good, faithful friends are hard to find. It’s important to walk through your premarried and married seasons of life with a loving, caring group of friends.
Meet Kevin and Brittany
Two of my closest friends are a couple Kristen and I met when we first moved to Dallas in 2002. Their story sobers me every time I hear it, and I’m thankful for the ways God has used community and friendships to help save their marriage.
Kevin: Brittany and I met our freshman year in college and married each other at the ripe old age of twenty. We met at a Christian school, were active in our churches, hung out with the same friend group, and had each been a follower of Christ for many years. We dated for four months (several of which were long distance), got engaged, and then married in 1997. In some ways, we were the ideal couple. We were both music majors, and I planned on going into full-time ministry after graduating college.
Brittany: We didn’t really have any close community or friendships around us and developed most of our views on love and marriage from television. But we were young and in love—what else did we need? My mom, our premarital counselor, and the pastor who married us assumed that since we pursued each other with purity and because Kevin was going to be a pastor that we would do really well in marriage. What could possibly go wrong?
Kevin: We were the envy of all our friends—we got to live in a house, have guilt-free married sex, and could enjoy wild and crazy Friday nights where we rented movies, ate pizza, and did laundry together. We were living the dream! The simple things of life brought us so much pleasure. We grew up together and got to experience our first jobs, first budget, and much more as a couple. We looked forward to all the things married couples do together, and we had fun doing them.
Brittany: None of our friends really challenged us in our relationship with Jesus or in our marriage. We did have some church friends, but when we tried to help encourage each other to grow, it was like the blind leading the blind. We had no concept of biblical community. We started to have some problems, but we didn’t know how to deal with them and didn’t have anyone around us who could help us navigate our challenges.
Kevin: Our marriage problems started the day after our wedding, as we were about to head out on our honeymoon. We couldn’t find $1,000 in traveler’s checks (yes, dating myself here), and I started to lose my cool. I threw a fit and blamed Brittany, but we never found the money. More important, this response started a pattern of anger, screaming, and animosity between us.
On the outside, Kevin and Brittany looked like they had it all together. Behind closed doors, they were a mess.
Brittany: Things escalated to where Kevin would physically restrain me and wouldn’t let me leave the house or call someone. I wanted to bring others in to help, but Kevin wouldn’t let me. We tried meeting with counselors, but that didn’t work. We told friends part of the truth, but Kevin never let me share the full extent. Our friends knew some of the details but didn’t know how to help us.
Kevin: I told Brittany we didn’t need help and could handle it on our own. My pride and fear of what others would think held me back. What would others say? What about my desire to be a pastor? What would our friends and family think if they knew we were arguing and fighting?
Kevin and Brittany isolated themselves and hid their problems from others. They were headed in a very dangerous direction as a couple. I pray this won’t be your story. Take note from their story and the lessons below, and you’ll be ready to tie the knot.
The Dangers of Isolation and the Benefits of Community
Anytime we think we can handle life on our own, it’s a problem. A quick look at some of the Proverbs shows us the dangers of isolation and the benefits of community.
Listen to Others
Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” And in Proverbs 19:20, we learn this: “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.” The Bible teaches that a wise person sees the benefits of accepting input from others instead of thinking they can do things on their own. Individuals and couples who do well in life and marriage open themselves up to counsel from friends.
If you want your marriage to fail, then avoid seeking the counsel of others. It sounds harsh, but without counsel, plans fail. Solomon tells us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (15:22). Anytime we tell God, “I got this,” we’re acting like a fool and operating out of our own abilities.
As you and your significant other process your relationship, invite others in to give you counsel and feedback. Fight the temptation to think or claim that “I got this,” and instead choose to live in dependence on God and on His provision of godly counsel through other believers. Before saying “I do” is an ideal season to bring wise counsel into your life and relationship. Most couples in your stage of life walk through the same challenges, issues, and questions you are walking through, and there is great benefit in knowing you’re not alone. Life is better together, and community is one of God’s greatest gifts He provides to His people.
The Value of Friends
Here are a few of the benefits a great group of friends could bring to your life right now.
Friends Help You Grow Wise
Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” This proverb is both a promise and a warning. It promises we will make good decisions if we hang out with wise people, yet warns us that we will suffer harm if we hang out with a bunch of fools. We need wise people around us to help us grow in our relationship with Christ and with one another. I’ve heard it said that we are essentially a combination of the five people closest to us. Who are the five people you spend the most time with?
Friends Will Wound You
We don’t need a bunch of people to tell us how awesome we are. Rather, we need friends who will challenge and lovingly wound us when we need it. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
To wound someone means a friend takes the initiative to help you see your blind spots. The word wound has a negative connotation, but in this passage, it’s a very positive thing for someone to wound you. In the last month alone, friends have lovingly wounded me about my schedule, my weight, my parenting, and my pride. It’s never fun, but I am so thankful for friends who help me become more like Christ. Who is lovingly wounding you right now?
Friends Will Sharpen You
We need someone who will help us grow in our faith and intimacy with Jesus. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Sometimes I get so used to my stench that I don’t think I smell bad anymore. We need people who will point out the areas where we can grow to become more like Christ. And we need people to help us grow in our faith and encourage us to grow spiritually.
Sometimes we just need a friend to hug and encourage us. The Scriptures are filled with exhortations to love and spur each other on (Heb. 3:13; 10:24–25). Sometimes we need a friend to encourage us when we’re discouraged. Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (ESV). A friend knows exactly what we need to hear, whether it’s a word of encouragement or challenge.
Why Don’t We Invite Others into Our Lives?
Marriage doesn’t create the problems; it merely exposes them. In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller tells the story of a ten-ton truck crossing an old, faulty bridge with hard-to-see structural defects. The truck crosses the bridge, and the pressure causes hairline fractures in the bridge to be seen. The truck didn’t cause the defects but rather exposed them. In many cases, marriage doesn’t cause the problems in your lives but, like the bridge, reveals them to the eye so we can deal with them.2
So why don’t we open up and invite others into our lives to seek wise counsel?
We Don’t Want Accountability
Sometimes we don’t want to ask community to speak into our lives because we don’t want the accountability. Some of you reading this book are crossing sexual boundaries, and even though you know it’s not God’s best, you’re still choosing to pursue each other without purity. You know if you ask someone to help or invite someone else into your relationship, you’re going to have to either confess your sin or lie to cover it up. You don’t want to do either of these things. Believe me, I’ve done both too many times to count, and it never works out well for me.
Our Pride Gets in the Way
Other times, we don’t invite others into our lives because of pride. We either think we know better or we know we’ve messed up and don’t want others to know.
Some readers will compromise in their marriage choice. They think life will be better with a spouse, and they’re not getting any younger. Their biological clock is ticking, and they think if they don’t marry this person, then they might not get another chance at marriage. So they compromise, even though they know the relationship is not God’s best. They know if they invite others to speak into their life, they might have to give up the relationship.
We Are Afraid to Admit We Are Weak
Sometimes our pride gets in the way because we don’t want to admit we are weak. “I’m the one who has all their stuff together! I did great in school, I have six-pack abs, I drive a nice car, and people like me. If I let people see what’s really going on in my life, they might realize I’m not perfect.” We don’t want to admit that we are weak, so we shut the door on community.
One of the Best Gifts We Can Give to Others
Sometimes the best gift we can give others is the gift of vulnerability. Vulnerability means you let into your life someone who puts you at risk.3 This tears down walls and shows a humility that will serve you well in marriage. We often think being vulnerable should lead us to shame, isolation, and loneliness. But what we find when we’re vulnerable with others is that we build a bridge that helps us connect with them.
When I’ve been vulnerable in my life and in my writing, I have been met with love, compassion, empathy, and grace. Others want to help us when we demonstrate and live with vulnerability. Don’t be afraid to be open with a close group of friends. They will encourage you, pray for you, and appreciate your willingness to trust them with your struggles. However, make sure these friends are trustworthy friends. A trustworthy friend, among other things, doesn’t gossip, is willing to tell you the truth even when it hurts, comforts you and celebrates with you, and helps you become more like Jesus Christ.
When my friend Mark went to school, he told his parents his goal was not to meet a bunch of pretty girls, get the best grades, or join the most popular fraternity with the biggest parties. Rather, his goal was to make the best friends possible. He knew the greatest gift he could add to his life was a group of friends who would help him make wise decisions, hold him accountable, and celebrate the wins of life by his side. These men eventually became the guys who stood by his side on his wedding day. I pray my four sons will develop friendships like Mark’s.
Do you have friends like Mark’s friends? Do you desire to walk alongside men and women who will help you become more like Christ? Does your group of friends help you, right now, make decisions about your relationship?
One of the biggest problems I see in premarried couples looks something like the following:
- Boy gets plugged in at church by serving and hanging out with a great group of guys.
- Meanwhile, a friend invites Girl to the same church. She makes some quality friendships and grows in her faith.
- Boy meets Girl at church one day, Boy asks Girl out for dinner, and then Boy and Girl spend every waking moment together.
- Boy and Girl no longer serve at church and don’t hang out with their friends, and no one has any idea how they’re doing as a couple.
I recently heard a term for couples who do this: submarining. Couples who submarine retreat beneath the water level when they start dating and don’t come up for air again until the relationship is in trouble or until they get married.
If this is your story, you’re missing out on one of the greatest gifts in your life. Please don’t be that couple who isolates themselves from all sound wisdom and counsel. If you date in isolation, no one will be able to give you feedback on your relationship—and you will miss out on the gifts and provision of community.
The Need for Community Doesn’t End When You Say “I Do”
After you get married, you will still need wise friends around you. I can’t think of a season of life where couples need to make more major decisions than when they are newly married. You’ll have decisions to make about growing your family, jobs, cars, school, where to live, and so much more.
Kristen and I have experienced the benefits of community in many ways. Here is a small smattering of the countless ways our community has spoken into our lives as a married couple:
- They help us make decisions about our schedule and commitments.
- They’ve helped us parent our kids, especially when we don’t know how to best encourage or discipline our children.
- They’ve helped us process job frustrations, financial challenges, issues with our parents and in-laws, sin struggles, and so much more.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there will be times when you and your spouse will be in conflict and you’ll want someone else to help. Whether you disagree on a major decision or are arguing because of sin struggles, you will want others to help you navigate those challenges. If you don’t have a community, then you will miss out on the help and wisdom you can get from an outside perspective. And if you choose to marry someone who doesn’t value community or the input of others, you’re in for a never-ending challenge as a couple. Solomon tells us, “For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers” (Prov. 11:14). If the person you want to marry doesn’t seek or desire any input from others, I’d run from the altar. This is a red light.
Know you should play this role for others as well. As a single or married person, you can counsel, encourage, and spur others on in their relationship with Jesus and with their significant other. You might not always have the right words to say, but sometimes simply being there for them goes a long way.
The Rest of the Story
In 2005, the fighting between Kevin and Brittany reached a peak. While on the outside they still looked like they had it all together, behind closed doors things continued to crumble. Now they had two children, and Kevin served in full-time ministry at a church in Dallas. The stakes were higher than ever for my friends.
Brittany: One night we called a friend to come over because the arguing and fighting was getting out of hand. The “D Word” (divorce) was thrown around, and we argued over who would get each of our kids and how we’d work through custody. Our friend didn’t know exactly what to do or say, but he listened, loved us, and prayed for us. We widened the circle and began the healing process.
Kevin: I took a step back from my ministry job for a season. Instead of leading from the front, I took a job behind the scenes. I stacked chairs, set up rooms, and took out trash among many other things. I went through our church’s recovery ministry and began to address, with the help of community, my anger and pride issues.
Brittany: We witnessed the body of Christ do what the church is supposed to do. Our friends loved us, prayed for us, challenged us, and walked alongside us. Without our community, I’m not sure we’d still be married today.
Today, Kevin and Brittany have four kids and an incredible ministry together as a family. They’re among my closest friends and my strongest community. Kevin is one of the first guys I call when I want to celebrate and when I need to confess, need prayers, or want wisdom. I’m thankful my friends widened the circle, as Matthew 18:15–20 instructs, and invited others into their relationship. Whether single, engaged, or married, we need all the help we can get!
Why would you willingly choose to miss out on one of life’s greatest provisions? As a married couple, you’ll need others to speak into your lives, so why not start now, before you even get married? Will you choose to isolate yourselves, or do you think life is better together?
Am I Ready?
- Who are the five people you spend the most time with?
- Who are the individuals you turn to when you want to celebrate something in life?
- Who are the individuals you turn to when you need to confess, seek accountability, or ask for wisdom?
- Do you think your significant other will invite others into their life when you get married, or do you think they would flee or run from wise counsel? Why did you answer this way?
- Discuss your answers to the Am I Ready? questions about creating community as a couple.
- Discuss with your significant other your biggest fears about community, both as a single person right now and as a married couple in the future.
- What couples do you and your future spouse spend time with now? Discuss the community (or lack thereof) you have cultivated around you while you are dating.
- Discuss your plan for community in the future after you say “I do.” What couples will you spend time with?
- Who are some people from whom you can gain wise counsel? Can you identify a mentor couple who is further down the road than you and from whom you can learn?
Closing Prayer
Lord, we pray we would be a couple who has great friends, before and after marriage. Help us walk with the wise and grow wise. Shape us to be humble and teachable as a result of the input of others in our lives. Give us the wisdom and opportunities to make great friendships in every stage of life as a married couple. Thank You for the ways Your Word informs us about the importance of relationships. In Jesus’s name, we pray. Amen.