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What Do We Need to Know about Sex?
Finding Fulfillment between the Sheets
From 2002 to 2006, I worked on and completed my master of theology degree from Dallas Theological Seminary. One year after I graduated and started my job at Watermark, I audited a class called Human Sexuality, taught by Dr. Douglas Rosenau from the Institute for Sexual Wholeness.
I profoundly remember when Dr. Rosenau asked the class to think of all the words, both clinical and slang, that each of us knew for sexual activities and body parts. If grades were awarded for knowing the most words, I would’ve broken the curve and received an A+. My mind was flooded with so much slang, because for most of my life I lived far from the Lord. My sexual vocabulary sure proved it.
I don’t share this story to brag about how many words I knew. Rather, I share it because I, like many of you, have cheapened a great gift from a loving God. Dr. Doug had deeper motives with his question. He wanted us to realize how our vocabulary, and the distorted values it portrayed, reduced something beautiful and intimate down to a bunch of crude, crass terms that were so far from God’s intent for sexuality and true lovemaking.
I knew those terms because I looked at way too much porn and lived out too much of what I saw. I took God’s gift of sexual intimacy and did everything I could to ruin it and ruin my life. Porn. Manipulation. Selfishness. Pleasure-seeking. Sin.
It’s time to talk about sex. This might be the hardest chapter to write and to rightly capture the heart of God. I want to start by telling you God loves you. Whether you’ve sinned sexually for as far back as you can remember or you’ve never looked at porn or crossed any boundaries physically and have repressed your sexual feelings, each of us walks into relationships and marriage with some level of pain, guilt, and shame connected to sex. Wherever you fall in this spectrum, remember God loves you, He is good, and He is worthy of your trust.
I’m encouraged by your desire to seek God’s best in your relationship. That’s why you’re reading this book. I hope this chapter helps you grow in your relationship with Christ and your significant other as we discuss a topic that might be marked by guilt and shame in your life.
For years, Rob and Crystal each lived far from the Lord. They both brought a decent amount of sexual baggage into their dating and marriage relationship. Their story is one of hope and redemption.
Rob: Crystal and I met when I was in the middle of an “I’m not dating anyone” season of life. I saw this beautiful brunette sitting across from me in Starbucks and told my friend she was my type of girl. She was with a friend of mine, so of course I needed to go say hey to my friend. Crystal and I shook hands, and that was it. For now.
Crystal: Rob was my type of guy. Fortunately, the gal I was sitting with was my mentor, and she immediately knew I was attracted to Rob. She said to me, “No, you’re not going to date him. We’re studying the Bible together and that’s all you need to know right now.” She was right, so I moved on. A few years later I took a job at our church working with our young adult ministry and re-met Rob when we started working together on a young adult event.1
Rob: Even though I was attracted to her in every way, I chose not to pursue anything with her. One day I was with my friend in his truck, and we had one of the windows half-open. We drove by Crystal, who was holding a football in her hands. She zinged the football at my friend’s truck and the ball went right through the window. Game changer—she’s attractive, she loves Jesus, and she can throw a football! A few days later, I asked her out for coffee.
Crystal: God ordained that football throw—it might have been the best pass I’ve ever thrown in my life! I was super attracted to Rob, so I was pretty pumped when he asked me out. We had a great first date and talked for hours. Soon after, we became an official couple and started dating. We went through our church’s premarital class, got engaged in July 2009, and got married in November 2009.
Rob: We both knew we wanted to date each other in a different way than we had dated other people in the past. Both of us had been sexually active in other relationships, and we each had a significant history with pornography.
Rob and Crystal have a story similar to many couples reading this book. Over the last six years, our church has done anonymous surveys with men and women in our premarried class. Over 75 percent of all individuals in the class have been sexually active in the past. Most of the guys look at pornography at least one time per month, and around 20 percent of the women have been sexually abused. I don’t want to assume this is your story or your past, but one common denominator among all dating or engaged individuals is we all have some level of fear, anxiety, or pain to work through when it comes to sexual intimacy. That’s why we need to talk about God’s design and plan for sexual intimacy, both before and after the wedding day.
What Does the Bible Say about Sexual Intimacy?
The Bible says a lot more about sexual intimacy than you probably think it does, and these verses should have direct implications on your relationship.
Sex Is Good, and the Body Is Good
God created our bodies and created us male and female. When He finished this work, He said it was not just good but “very good” (Gen. 1:31). He told the man and woman to “be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28 ESV). You don’t have to be married to have sex and make babies, but the Bible shows us this is the ideal way God intends humanity to fill the earth.
God made sex pleasurable. He could have made it feel mildly enjoyable, like a good sneeze or the joy we feel when we laugh with friends. But he made it much better than that. He created our bodies to experience pleasure when we are sexually intimate with each other. Sex should lead us to worship and praise God.
We Can Have Sex to the Glory of God
In 1 Corinthians 10:31, Paul said we should do everything to the glory of God. Eat to the glory of God. Drink to the glory of God. Work to the glory of God. And have sex to the glory of God. It’s easy for me to understand how to pray and study my Bible to the glory of God, but hard to imagine how we could have sex to His glory. But when enjoyed within the right context (of marriage), we can have sex and bring God glory.
Sex Is an Opportunity to Serve Your Spouse
According to 1 Corinthians 7:3–5, the husband’s body belongs to the wife, and the wife’s body belongs to her husband. Paul writes,
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Sex gives us the opportunity to serve our spouse and put their needs and desires before our own (Phil. 2:3–4). Your spouse is your only outlet sexually, so choose to serve them in that way even when you don’t feel like it.2
You Were Bought at a High Price
God created sexual intimacy for couples to enjoy together within the context of marriage. Genesis 2:24 says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” As discussed in chapter 1, physical intimacy is part of the one-flesh relationship. While you don’t have to be married to enjoy the pleasures of sex, God intends for intimacy to be reserved for a couple after they commit to one another in marriage.
Before couples say “I do,” God calls them to pursue each other with purity. There is to be no hint of sexual immorality in a couple (Eph. 5:3), and the “marriage bed” (aka sexual intimacy) is to be “kept pure” (Heb. 13:4). It is God’s will that we, as followers of Jesus, “avoid sexual immorality” (1 Thess. 4:3). God is not silent on intimacy, and He cares very much for us. He’s not trying to rip us off or withhold good from us. Rather, He is trying to set us free from the bondage of sexual sin.
In 1 Corinthians 6:12–20, Paul writes about intimacy. In verse 18, he tells the church to flee from sexual immorality because of the potentially devastating consequences of sexual sin. He goes on to say in verses 19–20, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
You and I were purchased at a high price. No dollar amount can capture what God paid for our bodies—the high price of Jesus’s death, burial, and resurrection. My body is not my own—it belongs to the Lord. He paid for it, so I will choose to honor Him with my body. This means I should honor God in what I eat, how I exercise, my sleep habits, and how I treat my body with regard to drinking, nicotine, and drugs. I want to honor God in what goes in my mouth and how I take care of my body. Part of honoring God is to remember that because Christ’s death paid for my sin and my body, I will choose to honor Him in every way, including sexual intimacy and physical boundaries.
I believe we often misspeak about sexual intimacy. When couples cross boundaries, they say they made a “mistake” or “slipped.” A mistake is when you forget something; for instance, if you forget to carry the one in long addition, you can call it a mistake. But when you engage in any kind of sexual activity before marriage, it’s called sin. We need to call our actions what God calls them. We prefer to call it a mistake because we believe this diminishes its significance or impact. Sin is a big deal.
Some of you may have a story that is very different from the majority of premarried couples. Some of you will come into marriage without having crossed physical boundaries with anyone else. Maybe you’ve never seen or been directly affected by pornography. If this is your story, praise God! Thank Him that He has spared you from making poor decisions and from being on the receiving end of abuse. I’m encouraged by your faithfulness in trusting the Lord and not giving in to the lies society tells you about sex. You believe His promises hold life, and you have been willing to die to your sexual desires in order to most honor God. I pray my children will have your testimony.
What Are Some Healthy Physical Boundaries before Saying “I Do”?
Some of the most frequently asked questions in our premarried class are about purity. We often hear the question, “How far is too far?” Often what couples are trying to figure out with this question is how close they can get to the edge of sin without really sinning. I had the same question when I was in your shoes, so I understand well the question you might be asking. However, it’s not a good question to ask, because you’re really asking (without even knowing it) how far you can get away from God but still be in His good graces. You’re asking how close to the edge you can get without falling over it.
Rather, I challenge you to stay as close to God as you can. I want you to choose to honor Him with every part of your life, including your body and your sexual desires.
Let’s get explicit on some boundaries you can put in place to help you honor God with your body and honor each other before you say “I do.” I care about you and your relationship and don’t want to see you mess things up with sexual sin. Consider these loving words of wisdom from a guy who wants God’s best for you.
1. Don’t open-mouth or tongue kiss. In 1 Timothy 5:2, Paul instructs men to treat younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. You wouldn’t open-mouth kiss your sister, so don’t do the same with your significant other. Kissing can be the “gateway drug” that leads to other sexual activity. When you kiss someone in an intimate way, it causes you to be aroused. Your body is preparing for sexual activity, and you don’t want to train your body to prepare for something God only intends for marriage.
2. Don’t get horizontal with each other. Don’t lie down together on the couch, on the floor, or anywhere else. This won’t go well for you, and could lead to you getting horizontal on top of each other.
3. Don’t spend time alone in each other’s house or apartment. If you’re alone, cuddled on the couch and watching a movie, stuff might happen. You may not intend for it to go anywhere, but isolated time on the couch, watching Netflix, could lead you to cross boundaries. Rather, go eat someplace in public or go see a movie in the theater. Crystal never even saw Rob’s bedroom until she helped him and some friends pack up his stuff to move into their apartment after they got married.
4. Avoid any substance that could cloud your judgment or lead you to compromise your boundaries. This is not a moral rant against alcohol. But I do recommend you exercise caution when it comes to drinking and your relationship. Any substance that alters your judgment or leads to compromising behavior could lead you to cross boundaries you don’t want to cross.
5. Get a life—don’t cut off all other relationships. Spend time with friends and include them in your dates. Allow your community and friendships to be a part of your relationship (more on this in chapter 11). They will hold you accountable, and they can help keep you from crossing sexual boundaries.
6. Take the long-term view. You have your whole life together to enjoy the awesome gift of sexual intimacy. Don’t compromise long-term satisfaction for short-term pleasure. Just as you don’t want to be intimate with someone who is not your spouse after marriage, choose not to be intimate with someone who is not your spouse before marriage.
7. Acknowledge the challenge of purity. I know purity is a very legitimate challenge for premarried couples. It’s completely understandable to struggle with sexual boundaries; in fact, if you don’t struggle, that might be a problem. If you’re not attracted to the other person or don’t desire to be with your significant other sexually after marriage, then talk to a friend and get some help. This can be even more challenging if you’ve been sexually active in the past. Remember you are a new creation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17), and you are under control of the Holy Spirit, not your fleshly desires (Gal. 5:16–18).
8. Understand the why of purity. Don’t just take my word for it—search God’s Word for His best with regard to physical intimacy (see Prov. 6:27–28; Eph. 5:3; 1 Cor. 6:12–20; 1 Thess. 4:3–8; Heb. 13:4). Couples who enjoy the benefits of intimacy before marriage (whether it’s sexual intercourse, oral sex, or even grinding/dry humping), probably don’t see the relationship as clearly as they think they do. If you’re enjoying the fruits of intimacy, then you can easily overlook the faults or shortcomings in your relationship. It’s as if you’re wearing love goggles that blind you to the problems. The orgasm and fun of intimacy tend to lead couples to minimize the problems and shortcomings in the relationship.
It’s okay to want to be involved physically with your significant other. But I challenge the two of you to demonstrate self-control (Gal. 5:23) and to not mess around with temptation (1 Cor. 10:12–13). Before marriage, treat one another as you would a sibling (a brother or sister in Christ), in all purity. And then, after you get married, have all kinds of fun!3
Choose to Honor God with Your Body
I beg you, if you are crossing boundaries with regard to purity, choose to honor God with your body. Have a conversation with a trusted friend or pastor and choose to exercise self-control. To be clear, you should struggle and should have desires to cross boundaries with your significant other. If you’re not sexually attracted to them, then that’s a whole different issue. The desire is not the problem; it’s what you do with the desire.
One of the most comforting verses in the whole Bible to me is Hebrews 4:15, which says, “We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” Jesus gets it! He was tempted in many of the same ways you and I are tempted, yet He managed not to sin in the process.
I encourage you to choose to put in place boundaries that will help you and your future spouse pursue each other with purity. If you know you’re going to struggle, as most couples do, then put the line way back so that you’re far away from crossing boundaries.
The Rest of the Story
Rob and Crystal both had some struggles with pornography, and each brought a large amount of sexual baggage into marriage. Here’s the good news: in God’s remarkable grace and kindness, He enabled Rob and Crystal to pursue each other in a different way than either had dated in the past.
Rob: For the first time in my life, I dated someone well. I chose to honor God and honor Crystal by pursuing her with purity. Every other relationship in my past was marked by my selfish sexual desires. Crystal was different, and I was a different man than I had been in the past.
Crystal: Rob always let me know where we stood. He was clear about the boundaries we needed to set in place so we didn’t cross lines sexually. He cared for me by not giving me everything I wanted. I wanted to stay out later on dates, and I wanted to hang out more. There’s nothing wrong with spending more time together, but he did everything in his power to keep us from crossing lines we didn’t want to cross. He dated and pursued me selflessly, and because of the way he cared for me, I knew I could trust him as my husband.
Rob: I knew we needed to talk about our past with each other. Our past didn’t define us, but I wanted us to discuss anything that could possibly impact us in the future. I prepared a few questions for us to discuss together and made sure we created a safe place to talk about our sexual past. I didn’t want or need all the details, but I did want to know what I might expect in the future. For example, I got a girl pregnant in the past, and we chose to get an abortion. I hate that I made that decision, but I wanted Crystal to know this part of my story. I know I’m forgiven and would never make that decision ever again. God has allowed me to encourage others with my story so that they don’t choose to end a life like I did.7
Crystal: We had to remember Romans 8:1. Paul said, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” There’s no sin so horrific that Jesus didn’t already pay the price for it. It was finished, and we were not going to allow guilt and shame to rob us of intimacy as God intended and we desired. Satan will try to use the guilt of your past against you, and we chose not to let that happen in our relationship.
If you have crossed physical boundaries in your current or past relationship, I encourage you to read the story of the adulterous woman in John 7:53–8:11. Jesus did not condemn the woman for her sexual sin, but He commanded her to go and sin no more. God’s best is for you to do the same. There is no condemnation if you are in Christ Jesus, but go and sin no more sexually.
The questions of when, why, and how to share about your sexual past might be the hardest questions I get asked in our premarital ministry.8 Kristen and I sat down together and talked about our sexual past a few weeks before I proposed to her. I wanted her to know some of the details of my past, and I wanted to give her the opportunity to ask me any questions. I confessed to her my sexual sin, cried, and asked for her forgiveness. The way she forgave me and cared for me provided the confirmation I wanted and needed to put a ring on her finger. She showed me grace, and I knew she would be a safe place for me to share in the future.
Most married couples don’t know how to discuss sexual intimacy with each other. They don’t know they should talk about it, and many don’t even know they can talk about it! If you set some good communication patterns now as a premarried couple, it can help you down the road. Remember what you learned in chapter 2—create a safe place for each other, and be the kind of couple who can talk about anything and everything, including sexual intimacy. You shouldn’t be more afraid to confess something to your significant other than you would be to confess it to the Lord.
Who Are the Most Sexually Satisfied Couples?
What couples are the most satisfied sexually? The answer to this question might surprise you. I assumed it would be couples in their twenties. They’re young, flexible, have fewer kids and less stress, and probably are in the best shape of their lives.
If it’s not the twenties (and it’s not), then surely it must be couples in their thirties or maybe the forties. It can’t be beyond that!
Oh, but it is. According to a recent study, the most sexually satisfied couples are in their fifties and sixties.9 Guess what? That’s probably your mom and dad, and they’re home alone right now. While you recover from your nausea, let me tell you why I agree with this survey.
When Kristen and I are in our fifties and beyond, we will have shared many years of love, communication, trust, spiritual intimacy, and commitment. We’ll know we love each other without condition. We will have decades of memories together, and for years we’ll have pursued Jesus together. While our stress might be higher and our health might be declining, I believe the intimacy we will have developed outside the bedroom will help our intimacy in the bedroom.
God gave us a great gift in sexual intimacy. It feels amazing, and it’s a whole lot of fun. In The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller says every time you are sexually intimate with your spouse, you are reminded of the covenant commitment you made to each other in marriage.10
Exercise self-control now, remember God’s not trying to steal your joy, and then renew that covenant every chance you can after you get married!
Am I Ready?
- What influences have shaped your view of sexual intimacy? For example, if porn is part of your story, when was the first time you looked at pornography, and how has it affected your view of intimacy? What did your parents teach you (or not teach you) about sexual intimacy?
- What are some of your biggest fears or anxieties about marital sexual intimacy?
- What are you most excited about when it comes to sexual intimacy?
- Spend some time thinking back through your sexual past. What can you think of that might lead to some challenges down the road? Pornography? Abuse? Abortion? Sexual immorality? What would be helpful to share with your significant other?
- What expectations do you have for your wedding night? What are your expectations for your honeymoon?
Strengthening Our Knot
- Discuss your answers to the Am I Ready? questions about sexual intimacy and marriage.
- Discuss what boundaries you will put in place in your relationship to help best pursue each other with purity. Ask trustworthy Christian friends for help, encouragement, and accountability.
- As you get near your wedding day, discuss your expectations about your wedding night and your honeymoon—and remember to apply the listening skills you learned in chapter 2. Honestly admit any concerns you may have about sex with your future spouse and talk through ways your significant other could help you feel more comfortable (such as taking it slow, etc.) However, I encourage you to not have this conversation in a dark apartment, all by yourselves, with no roommates around!
Closing Prayer
Lord, thank You for creating us as sexual beings and for giving us good, healthy desires. Help us honor You first and honor one another. Help us to put in place boundaries You’ve established and to exercise self-control in this part of our relationship. Give us courage to confess when we fall short. We give You all the glory You deserve as we seek to honor You with our bodies. Thank You that You purchased our bodies through the blood of Your Son, Jesus. We pray we would live as people who know we have been bought at a very high price. Amen.