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What about the Kids?
Figuring Out the Future of Your Family
Most of the challenges Kristen and I face in our marriage can be boiled down to four primary reasons: Duncan, Drew, Carson, and Lincoln.
I love my four boys, and I hope they love their old man, but nothing takes more of my energy, time, and money than our sons. I don’t know what it’s like to have a daughter, but I know sons are loud, smelly, and messy. They fight and complain, and they are selfish and inconsiderate. I know because I was one (and still am).
Kristen and I struggle with how to discipline, encourage, motivate, and educate our kids. Most of our arguments involve our kids, and our highest levels of stress come when we have problems with our kids.
Life used to be much simpler. We could travel for the weekend whenever we wanted. The average Saturday did not start at 7:45 a.m. and end at 8:00 p.m. and consist of nineteen soccer, basketball, and baseball games along with two band competitions and three birthday parties (slight to moderate exaggeration). We didn’t have to restock our fridge and pantry every forty-eight hours because all the food had been devoured by four growing boys.
Being a father has provided the biggest challenges in my life. At the same time, Kristen and I are rich in love, laughter, and experiences with our children. Our boys keep us entertained, they are fun to play games and snuggle with, and there’s nothing like being on mission with your spouse to raise godly kids.
Because of the challenges and joy kids bring to married life, every couple needs to figure out the potential future of their family. Whether you have children from a previous relationship, want a whole army of kids, or are terrified of children (like I was), you and your significant other must spend some time talking about children before you say “I do.”
Meet Josh and Betty
Josh and Betty have been married over fifty years and are among the most intentional parents and grandparents I’ve ever met. They have been involved in full-time ministry for almost two decades. Because of their wisdom in marriage, parenting, and following Jesus, as well as some challenges they have walked through as parents, they are the perfect couple to guide us in thinking about children and parenting.
Josh: Betty and I met when I was a senior in college, and she was a freshman. We met on a blind double date when my roommate was taking out Betty’s friend from her dorm.
Betty: I came from a Christian family, so I was thrilled that Josh took me to church on our first date. Little did I know that he didn’t have faith in Christ—he just knew I wouldn’t go out with him again if he didn’t at least act like a Christian!
Josh: I conveniently forgot to mention to Betty that this would be my first time going to church in college. I brought her some chocolates and somehow convinced her to go out with me on a second date. I was a nice enough guy and told her dad I would take her to church and be her spiritual leader.
Betty: After we got married, Josh took me to church for six months and then stopped. He kept finding reasons not to go to church—work projects, yard work, or an early Cowboys football game, among other excuses.
Josh: Fast-forward a few years. A friend from church shared the gospel with me, and I finally trusted in Christ. Betty had been praying for me for years!
Betty: Around the same time Josh trusted in Christ as his Savior, we brought home our first of four children.
Josh: I grew up as an only child, and I wanted to have a big family after I got married. I hated being home alone with my parents—there were times when they wouldn’t talk to each other or to me, and the worst part of every day was coming home to my quiet, lonely house. Even as a young boy, I knew I wanted my home as a married guy to be very different from my childhood home.
Betty: My upbringing couldn’t have been more different than Josh’s. Whereas Josh tried to stay away from his house, I couldn’t wait to be with my family. I was one of four kids and always shared a room with one of my siblings. We had a lot of fun together, and I couldn’t wait to have four kids of my own.
Josh: The one thing we had in common was that we both wanted to have a bunch of kids.
Perhaps the idea of having kids sounds like a distant dream to you. Or maybe you already have children, and you and your future spouse are trying to figure out how to blend your families. Wherever you are in the parenting spectrum, you and your significant other need to be aligned on some major issues regarding children before you get married.
Eight Questions to Discuss about Kids
Before you tie the knot, there are eight questions you and your significant other need to discuss about kids, parenting, and figuring out the future of your family.
1. How Do You View Children?
Confession: I don’t like kids. I like my own, but I do not relate well to children in general—to be honest, they scare me. I don’t know how to relate to them. There’s a reason why I serve in adult marriage ministry and not children’s or student ministry.
But I know children are a gift from God. The Bible is clear about how God views children. Psalm 127:3–5 says, “Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” The psalmist reminds us children are not an inconvenience but a heritage (a blessing or gift) from the Lord. Throughout Scripture, we see the way Jesus celebrates children (Mark 10:13–14) and values the faith and humility of children (Matt. 18:3–4; Luke 18:17).
How do you and your significant other view children? Do you see them as a necessary burden to married life, something to keep you busy as you get older, or as a blessing from the Lord?
I’ll never forget one couple who came through the premarried class at our church. He had been previously married and was in his midthirties, while she was in her late twenties and had never been married. On the surface, they seemed like a great couple. Their marriage mentors, parents, and friends were all excited about them getting married. As I observed their relationship, I had no concerns about their future.
About one year after they got married, I heard through a mutual friend this couple was getting divorced. The problem? She wanted kids, and he didn’t. They had just assumed they were aligned with each other, so they never discussed the future of their family before tying the knot. After they married, they argued about whether to have kids, prayed about it, discussed it, and processed it with their community, but they never came to any alignment as a couple. As a result, about eighteen months after they said “I do,” their marriage ended in divorce.
It is imperative that you and your significant other discuss your view of children before you get married. If you don’t, your story could end as this couple’s did.
2. How Many Kids Do You Want, and When Do You Want to Start Having Them?
Even though your ideal number of children will probably change after you get married, it’s still important to discuss your hopes and desires about the number and timing of children.
If you want two children, and your significant other wants three, then it’s not that big of a deal. You’ll figure it out. If, however, you want only one child and your spouse wants four or five or more, then you’ve got a problem. You need to work toward alignment in this area before you get married. If you and your future spouse are too far apart on this one, then the traffic light just turned yellow or red, and you might not be ready for marriage.
Kristen and I both come from families with two biological children. Before we got married, we said we wanted two children or maybe three. But when we moved to Texas, we saw many large families with three to six kids and started to open our eyes to the possibility of having a larger family. Granted, we got two for one with our twins! But in spite of the loud, messy chaos we live in, we love having four kids.
Make sure you also discuss your thoughts on when you want to try to start having children. Know that you can have some control of the timing, but the Lord ultimately controls when the womb will open and close. Discuss your expectations so you can make sure you’re at least on the same page regarding timing.
3. What Will You Teach Your Children to Value?
What is the most important thing for you to build into your children?
Betty: We know that a lot of people value achievements like academic or athletic success. We made a decision early on in our relationship that we would value character development and spiritual progress more than home runs, baskets, and grades.
Josh: We still wanted our kids to be active in sports and music and do everything they could to succeed in school, but we know following Christ is more important than anything the world values. We were okay with our kids not going to college as long as they developed godly character.
Betty: We decided to reward things like serving in the church and memorizing Scripture. We still do this with our adult children and grandchildren!
What do you and your significant other want to reward and value in your future children? If either of you already has kids you are bringing into marriage, what conversations do you need to have today to better parent your children and set you up for success in the future after you get married?
4. What Are Your Views on Education?
You and your significant other might have different views on how you will educate your children. Make sure you discuss some of the options for the future. Will you choose public school, private school, or homeschool? Your answer to this question might influence where you choose to live and raise your kids.
Kristen and I chose public school for our children, but every couple needs to make this decision for their own family and children. Perhaps the wisest advice I ever heard was to keep your options open for each of your children, and instead of choosing one solution for all your kids, be open to what’s best for each child. For example, maybe one of your children would thrive in a larger school, whereas another might benefit from more individual attention at homeschool or private school. You don’t need to make a final decision before marriage, but make sure you at least discuss your preferences.
5. What Will You Do If You’re Unable to Conceive Children Biologically?
I’ve walked alongside many couples during the past thirteen years who have either been unable to conceive children or have suffered through multiple miscarriages. Many couples walk through seasons or lifetimes of infertility challenges.
Betty: We visited doctors and tried every option the doctors presented to us, but we couldn’t get pregnant. So we ended up adopting our first two children as babies two years apart from each other. We had never discussed adoption before marriage, but I’m thankful our hearts were aligned as a married couple.
Are you open to foster care, adoption, or fertility treatments? Are you open to adopting a child of a different ethnicity or background? How will your families respond to you adopting a child? Remember, every child of God is adopted into the family of the Lord (Eph. 1:5). Adoption is a beautiful picture of our heavenly Father’s relationship with us. Again, you don’t have to have your final answer right now, but at a minimum discuss with your significant other some options you might consider in case infertility is in your future.
6. Will You Both Work, or Will One of You Stay Home with Your Child(ren)?
Every married couple needs to decide if one parent will stay home with kids or if both parents will work and leave your children with a nanny or in some kind of day care. We have friends on all ends of the spectrum here; in some families, the father continues to work full-time while the mom stays home with the kids either full-time or part-time. We also know families where both parents work and families where the mom works full-time and the dad stays home with the kids.
I encourage you and your significant other to process this decision with your community. If you decide that both of you will continue to work, make sure you’re doing it for a significant reason and not only so you can make more money and buy newer, nicer stuff. Too often, I see both parents outsource the parenting to someone else just so they can support a higher standard of living.
7. What’s Your View of Birth Control?
Every couple needs to discuss their views and preferences on birth control. There are many options to choose from, but any type of birth control that leads to an intentional or unintentional abortion is completely out of bounds according to a biblical view of life. Most men don’t know much in the arena of birth control outside of condoms, so make sure you do some research and talk to a doctor to find out more about different birth control options.1 It might also be helpful to ask a mentor couple or other Christian friends what they have done so you can learn from others.
8. What If One or Both of You Have Children from a Prior Marriage or Relationship?
I’ve heard as many as one out of every three marriages in 2019 will be blended marriages in which at least one adult will bring a child (or children) into their new marriage. Blended families present many incredible opportunities and challenges for newlyweds, so you want to make sure you do all you can to prepare for your blended family before and after you say “I do.” Make sure you equip yourself by reading some stepfamily books and checking out other blended family resources.2
Single parents, you are doing much more than preparing for a wedding day or marriage. In addition to thinking through how to merge your lives as adults, you and your future spouse need to think through how you will best parent your child as newlyweds and with your child’s other biological parent. Here are a few questions to discuss:
- How will you split the week with the other parent/family?
- How will you figure out holidays and summer plans?
- How will you handle discipline of your child? Will the stepparent discipline the child or just the biological parent?
- If you both have kids, how will you handle differences in the way you parent your child (rules, expectations, etc.) and the way your future spouse parents his or her child?
- How will you discuss your new marriage with your child, especially if they are younger and don’t have a full understanding of the changes headed their way?
- How will you walk through disagreements with the other biological parent?
Blending families can be a tremendous challenge. But if you do everything recommended in this book and continue to be humble and open to learning along the way, you can change the trajectory of the average blended family. I’ve seen many families do this well. You can do it!
The Rest of the Story
Josh and Betty are more than fifty years into marriage and love being both parents and grandparents. They’ve had many struggles along the way—financial, discipline, wayward children, and much more. They’ve also had many great moments. But in the great moments and the challenging ones, they’ve been aligned and have parented as a team.
The most important thing you can do right now for the future of your family is to discuss the questions and topics introduced in this chapter. You won’t be able to have accurate conversations about many of these issues until you’re already married and making real-time decisions. For this reason, you want to make sure you are marrying someone with whom you can have honest, biblical conversations.
Amos 3:3 says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” You and your future spouse must be aligned on the important issues about kids and parenting. Be able and willing to say, “I don’t know what’s in the future, but we will walk through it together.” If you marry someone with a humble, teachable spirit, these conversations will go much better for you.
Am I Ready?
- What is your view of children? How do you feel about having kids in the future? What makes you anxious or excited about the possibility of having kids?
- What are some of your favorite memories of your family while you were growing up? What did your parent(s) do well?
- If you have children from a prior relationship or marriage, what are you most excited about in blending your families? What makes you most anxious? If you don’t have any children but your significant other does, what are you most excited and anxious about?
Strengthening Our Knot
- Discuss your answers to the Am I Ready? questions about children.
- Spend some time talking through each of this chapter’s eight questions about kids that you need to discuss before saying “I do.”
- Share with your future spouse three traits you are excited to see in them as they parent any future children the Lord gives you.
- Who are some parents you could learn from on how to parent children well?
Closing Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank You for providing the greatest example of how to parent well. Thanks for the ways You unconditionally love us and the ways You discipline us out of love when we need to be disciplined. We pray You would bless us with children in the future, either biologically, with medical intervention, or through foster care or adoption, and we pray we would love and parent our children well. Help us be unified when we parent, and surround us with wise friends who can help us be better parents. Thank You for being a perfect, good Father. In the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, we pray. Amen.