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Who’s in Charge, and What Are Our Biblical Roles?
The Part of Marriage TV Shows Never Get Right
Based on stereotypes seen on TV, how would you describe the typical husband? He’d probably be lazy, passive, weak, indifferent, selfish, and checked out of the marriage.
How would you describe the typical wife? She’d probably be dominant, assertive, overworked, underpursued, whiny, and unhappy. She does everything in the house while he sits on the couch watching SportsCenter all night.
Culture does us no favors in helping us understand God’s ideal for a godly husband and wife. Most of us lack role models to help point us in the right direction, and chances are good you didn’t grow up in a home with solid models of biblical roles in marriage.
Roles in marriage are among the most misunderstood concepts in marriage. Most people don’t know what the Bible says about the roles of husband and wife, so we tend to choose according to our desires rather than God’s design for marriage. A proper understanding of God’s design will best help you get ready for marriage.
Meet Andy and Heather
Andy and Heather have been married for thirty-seven years and have two adult children.
Heather: Andy and I met during our freshman year at Oklahoma State University in History 101. My friends and I scoured the room for cute guys, and I immediately noticed Andy. We met in person a few weeks later at a sorority event before a football game—I knew his sister, so I got to meet him.
Andy: I wasn’t a believer at the time, but Heather was a follower of Christ. I thought she was beautiful and seemed like a fun girl to party and hang out with. We were interested in each other, but she wouldn’t date or spend too much time with me because I wasn’t a follower of Christ. Over time we started to develop a friendship, and I eventually trusted in Christ as my Savior during our junior year in college.
Heather: I was interested in him early on, but I knew we didn’t live off the same spiritual foundation. I knew Jesus needed to be the center of everything we did and believed. Once Andy trusted in Christ, our relationship changed. We did a Bible study together and had a fun first date. We ate, and then he taught me how to play backgammon. He was fun, different than other guys I knew, and he made me laugh.
Andy: From that point on, we did everything a premarried couple should do: we met with a pastor, listened to some teachings on marriage, and had everything we needed to have a long-term, successful, thriving, Christ-centered marriage. We joyfully said “I do” to each other in 1982.
Heather: We had a deep friendship, no debt, and good jobs. Both sets of parents liked each other and liked us—we had it made! We had healthy relationships with siblings, no divorce in either of our immediate families, and weren’t sexually active before marriage. We soon realized, however, that our relationship was performance-based and we didn’t understand the picture of biblical, Christlike, sacrificial love.
Andy: Because we were immature in our faith and because no one really told us what roles in marriage should look like, we didn’t understand God’s design for marriage. I didn’t know what it meant to love Heather like Christ loved the church, and there was no way Heather was going to submit to my poor leadership.
Heather: From our honeymoon, we struggled. At times, Andy’s communication was explosive, and he wanted to control everything. I worked for a bank and got lots of affirmation from others at work but wasn’t getting much at home. I found my significance in the wrong things, and we were ill-equipped to deal with our problems. Before long, I sought comfort from a coworker and we had an affair. I never, ever thought this would happen to me. I thought I was bulletproof, so I flirted with other guys. I couldn’t deal with the problems at home and sought happiness with someone who wasn’t my husband.
Andy: Meanwhile, I was a terrible spouse. I was passive, checked-out, weak, and addicted to pornography and masturbation. I worked long hours because work was easier than home, and I didn’t cherish or value my wife. While Heather was the one who had the affair, I take responsibility for the weak, broken condition of our marriage. If I had loved her as Christ loves the church, I believe our story would be completely different.
I hope you see from their story why a proper understanding of roles in marriage is so crucial to helping you get ready for marriage.
Three Prominent Views on Marriage Roles
At the risk of oversimplifying a very complex topic, most Christian couples view biblical roles in marriage in one of three ways:
1. Traditional. The husband does everything outside the house, and the wife does everything inside the house. He does the yard, the cars, earns the money, and makes the decisions. She stays at home with kids, does housework, cooks meals, and does most of the shopping.
2. Egalitarian. The husband and wife lead the marriage and household equally. They both work (before and after kids) and share responsibilities around the home. They make decisions together as a couple, and if things fall apart, they are equally responsible for making the mess and cleaning things up.
3. Transitional. The man and woman are each made in God’s image and likeness (Gen. 1:27) and are equal in God’s eyes (Gal. 3:28). The husband and wife share tasks both inside and outside the home, primarily based on preference or willingness to serve their spouse in areas where they don’t like to spend their time and efforts. This view requires a selfless and humble spirit but sees the ultimate good in glorifying God with their efforts and serving their spouse in the process. Even though the husband and wife are equal in God’s eyes, the husband is the leader of the relationship and the wife submits to his leadership. Even if a problem is not his fault, as the leader the man is responsible for making sure the issue is resolved.
I most closely align with the transitional view of marriage roles. This is what Kristen and I do in our marriage: we both shop, cook, and do tasks inside and outside of the home. I work full-time at our church, and Kristen works part-time as a physical therapist. She has more margin than I do, so she does the majority of the shopping, cleaning, and cooking. This division of responsibilities is not because she’s a woman and I’m a man but because our schedules better allow for her to do those tasks.
You and your significant other will need to have many discussions around roles and your expectations of who will do what in your marriage. Here are a few examples:
- Who will do the laundry? Cooking? Cleaning? Oil changes? Mow the grass?
- Who will pay the bills and balance the budget?
- Even more important, how will you decide the answers to all these questions? How will you handle arguments or disagreements related to roles and expectations?
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Much of this will change over the years as you discover new tasks and better discern how you each can best use your time, gifts, and resources.
Equal in Rank, Different in Role
To understand God’s design for roles in marriage, we need to dive into a short lesson on the Trinity. A right understanding of the Trinity is relevant to a discussion about biblical roles.
I believe there is one God (Deut. 6:4–5). I also believe that the Father, the Son, and the Spirit are each God, and that the Father and the Son and the Spirit are each a distinct person.1 While the Father, Son, and Spirit are equal to each other, they still play different roles. The Son is the only One who is fully God and fully human. The Spirit dwells in all who believe in Jesus. The Son submits to the Father (John 4:34, 8:28; Heb. 10:7; 1 John 4:10). Likewise, the Spirit is sent by Jesus and proceeds from the Father (John 14:26; 15:26).
Even though they are equal in nature, the Father does not submit to the Son or Spirit. The Son and Spirit submit to the Father. They each have unique roles but are still equal in rank.
Ephesians 5 helps us understand how the unique roles and equal rank in the Trinity inform our view of marriage. Ephesians 5:22–24 says the wife is to submit to the husband. Most people don’t like the word submit in marriage because it has a negative connotation. Many think submissive means inferior. Likewise, when Genesis 2:18 says the Lord created the woman as a “suitable helper,” many believe this to mean the wife is in an inferior role. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
If you have any negative connotation about these roles, it’s not because there’s a problem with the roles. It’s because these roles have been abused or misunderstood. The role of the husband and wife are equally Christlike; they just have different responsibilities and opportunities.
In a biblical marriage, the wife joyfully submits to her husband’s leadership because he loves and serves her. When the husband cares for her as Christ loves the church, the wife will gladly follow his leadership. This especially holds true when the husband and wife both apply Ephesians 5:21, which says we are to mutually “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
How Do Biblical Roles Play Out for the Seriously Dating or Engaged Couple?
When does submission start—before or after the wedding day?2 A relationship leading to marriage should, over time and as the couple gets closer to the wedding date, resemble a marriage. After all, in a normal Christian relationship, they are beginning to function as “one” in many respects, with the obvious exception of sexual intimacy. They begin to spend money with the other’s interest in mind, make housing decisions thinking of their future together, and work through future in-law issues as a couple.
When big decisions or conflicts arise during the dating and engagement period, the couple should work through those issues with each other’s interest in mind. The man should want to increase in his ability to lead and love the woman in the same way that Christ loves the church. The woman should want to respect his leadership in the relationship and should want to be the helpmate in a greater capacity.
By the time they reach the altar, ideally most couples are already functioning relationally as husband and wife. I wouldn’t say to a guy, “Today you can be a jerk. You can act in your own selfish interests. Don’t worry about your future wife. But tomorrow, after your wedding, you’ll need to love and serve her as Christ did the church.” Nor would I say to a woman, “Today, you’re allowed to be disrespectful and are within your rights to usurp your future husband’s leadership. But tomorrow, after your wedding, you’ll need to respect and honor him as the head of the home.”
I encourage you to continue to grow in your roles as future husband and wife. He should continue to learn more about what it means to lead well, and she should continue to learn about what it means to be a God-honoring wife.
While you are dating, talk about these roles and make sure you’re aligned in your view of them. The decision you make regarding your roles in the relationship will help determine how you function as husband and wife. It will impact the way you make decisions and the ways you practically process counsel from others. If you and your spouse disagree on how you will handle roles in marriage, you will want to get counsel from someone else. Talk to a mentor, pastor, married couple, or biblical counselor. You will make decisions in your marriage every day, so you will want alignment on how you make decisions and handle roles in marriage. If you continue to disagree about marriage roles, then you are staring at a yellow or red relational traffic light.
By the way, I’ve never told my wife that, since I’m the leader, I’m making the decision and she needs to step in line because she’s my wife and submits to my leadership. In fact, no God-honoring couple I know has ever played this card. Any guy who leads this way borders on being a bully and a manipulator. The husband is to love like Christ and lead like a servant. No godly husband would ever force his wife to “fall in line.”
How are Andy and Heather doing today? The last we heard from them, Andy was looking at porn, and Heather had an affair with an acquaintance from work.
Heather: Things got worse before they got better. I knew I wasn’t going to divorce Andy, but on several occasions, I prayed he would die so I would be free to marry someone else. I’m not proud of my prayers, but I felt trapped and he didn’t love me as Christ loves the church.
Andy: When I found out about the affair, I knew I needed to make some changes in our marriage and in my life. I’d made our marriage so performance-based—almost as if Heather had to earn my love and affection. I realized how I fell short when I looked at Christ’s example of love toward us. He doesn’t wait for us to initiate; rather He “demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). He didn’t wait but initiated. It was time for me to do the same.
Heather: Everything changed for us when we got plugged into a healthy church and started applying Paul’s marital wisdom from Ephesians 5. I realized I needed to work with Andy, like Genesis 2:18–25 says, and not compete against him. We were on the same team and needed to start acting like it.
Andy: The fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22–23) did not flow from my life. I wasn’t a horrible person, but I wasn’t nearly as kind and loving as I thought I was. I didn’t lighten Heather’s load, serve her, or value and cherish her. I began to understand why she went outside of our marriage for affirmation. I didn’t excuse or justify the infidelity, but I gained a better grasp of why she prayed for my death! I started to work through my pornography issue and knew that if I was going to lead my wife and fully follow Jesus, then I needed to work through all my sin struggles.
Heather: I wasn’t thrilled to learn about Andy’s struggle with porn, but I knew I needed to forgive him, as he forgave me for my infidelity and as Christ forgave us for all our sin—past, present, and future. I noticed a new desire in him to love and serve me and our kids. For the first time in our marriage, he started to love me as Christ loves the church. I knew I could follow his lead wherever he took us in marriage.
When I think of a man I want to be like when I grow up, the first person I think of is Andy. He is humble, kind, and knows God’s Word as well as anyone I know. He didn’t become a follower of Christ until his junior year of college but has more than made up for lost time. He’s serious about his faith, and his marriage began to thrive when he and Heather began to do what God’s Word instructed. When he started to love like Christ and lead like a servant, everything changed.
Heather is as strong a woman as I’ve ever met. She’s a gifted teacher and communicator. God gave her the gifts of leadership and teaching, and she has used them well. She could easily dominate any marriage and any husband. But when she grasped what it meant to help and submit in marriage to Andy, her life began to change.
One of the most important decisions you will need to make about your relationship is how you view roles in marriage. I pray your conversations will allow you to serve and love one another as husband and wife.
- Think of examples of how roles in marriage are portrayed on television and in the movies. What’s healthy and not healthy about the way culture portrays marriage?
- How did your parents live out biblical roles in your home as you were growing up? Did your parents provide a good or bad example of how a couple should function together in marriage?
- What’s your view of roles in marriage? Do you hold to a traditional, egalitarian, or transitional view of roles? What Scripture can you use to support your view?
Strengthening Our Knot
- Discuss your answers to the Am I Ready? questions about biblical roles in marriage.
- Discuss with your significant other what your family was like as you were growing up. Share how your parents made decisions. What would you like to incorporate into your marriage from your parents, and what would you like to leave out?
- How will you make decisions as a married couple? Discuss together.3
God, we thank You for Your beautiful design of marriage. Thank You for making man and woman in Your image and likeness and for creating us with different roles in marriage. Thank You for the ways You perfectly live out being equal in rank but different in roles in the Trinity. Help us be aligned in the ways we pursue each other and the ways we view our roles in marriage. When we lack wisdom, may we come to You and ask, knowing You will joyfully give us all the wisdom we need. In Jesus’s name, we pray. Amen.