As bonus content, I’m answering ten frequently asked questions we get in our premarried class at my church. Each question will be answered with biblical truth and honest, authentic counsel.
1. What If We Have Been Sexually Active with Each Other but Want to Stop?
Many couples assume once they have crossed sexual boundaries, it’s too late to go back. I assure you this is not the case. If you are a follower of Jesus Christ, then you are indwelled by the Holy Spirit, and you have the ability and self-control to abstain sexually until marriage (Gal. 5:16, 22–23).
Read the story of the adulterous woman in John 7:53–8:11. Jesus didn’t condemn the woman for her sexual sin, but He told her to “go, and from now on sin no more” (John 8:11 ESV). Can you imagine the power of this scene? This woman was caught in the act of adultery, and the people wanted to stone her. Yet Jesus told this woman He didn’t condemn her, but she was to go and leave her life of sin.
I encourage you to do the same. Jesus loves you and does not condemn you for your prior sexual activity. Romans 8:1 assures us, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” But go, and from now on sin no more.
2. What If Our Friends and Family Don’t Approve of Our Relationship or Engagement?
Outside of the Lord, your family and friends should be the loudest voices in providing relationship counsel. If your close family and friends oppose the relationship, then I urge you to pay attention and find out why they don’t approve.
Here are a few questions you should ask:
If your family and friends don’t approve of your relationship, you are in a tight spot, and I’m sorry this is your situation. Instead, I wish those around you would celebrate your engagement or upcoming marriage. The Bible says you are to honor your father and mother (Exod. 20:12; Eph. 6:2–3), but at the same time, you and your signficant other are adults and don’t require parental approval before saying “I do.”
I can’t speak for every parent, but most parents love their children and desire God’s best for them. I suggest you pay close attention to the voice of your parents. But if your church community and other Christian friends around you approve, then you may proceed with caution.
3. If We Don’t Think We Should Move Forward toward Marriage, How Do We Break Up?
I’m glad you’re asking this question, because this means you are being honest about the state of your relationship or concerns you have about next steps. Whether you are the one who initiates or receives the breakup, no matter the reason, breakups are tough. In her book The Real Thing, Ellen McCarthy wrote, “Maybe it’s a tiny bit better when you’re the dumper and you know what’s coming and have some sense of control. But then you also have to deal with the anxiety leading up to the split and the tidal wave of guilt that comes after. And you still have all the garden-variety sadness besides.”1
During my thirteen years in marriage ministry, I’ve walked alongside hundreds of couples who decided to end their relationship. For many, especially for those who are engaged, the breakup is tougher because they have already made decisions about their wedding, had wedding showers, or sent wedding invitations.
If you are thinking about breaking up or postponing your wedding, make sure you widen the circle and ask trusted mentors, family, and friends for counsel and prayer. Just as you don’t want to propose without wise people speaking into your life, so you don’t want to end the relationship without wise counsel.
If you do end the relationship, do all you can to leave your significant other in a better place than when you first started dating. In other words, honor them in your dating and your breakup. This is another reason it’s important to not cross physical boundaries in a dating relationship.2
4. What If One of Us Wants to Sign a Prenuptial Agreement?
Be very cautious when it comes to prenuptial agreements. Marriages are built on trust, and most prenups disregard trust from the very beginning of the marriage. If you can’t trust your significant other before you get married, then you need to ask whether you should move forward. A prenuptial agreement essentially lays out who gets what in case your marriage doesn’t last. In some ways, it is as if you are arranging for your divorce before you even get married.
Sometimes there are complications and exceptions regarding an inheritance for kids from a prior relationship or marriage. If there are financial or legal issues related to children from a prior marriage or relationship, then widen the circle and get feedback from a trusted family law attorney.
A friend of mine once said he’s all for prenups—as long as your prenup says, “I will never, ever leave you or divorce you. No matter what you say and how many times you do it, I will stay with you until death do us part.”3 Then you both sign it and live happily ever after.4
5. Should We Combine Bank Accounts or Keep Them Separate?
Although the Bible does not address this question specifically, there are a few principles to think through when it comes to marital money management. Whenever a couple tells me they want separate bank accounts, I ask them why they want to do this. Separate accounts lead to a greater chance of hiding or deceit. When the two of you get married you become one flesh, so I strongly encourage you to combine all your assets into one account. Anything else increases the opportunity to view your resources as personal possessions instead of shared. In marriage, you always want to look for ways to build trust, and joint bank accounts provide an opportunity to grow, not divide.
What if I said to Kristen, “Since I’m the one who gets paid to work full-time, and you don’t get paid to be a stay-at-home mom, I’ll keep the majority of the money and you can get a small amount. I will give you enough to buy groceries and an occasional grande nonfat mocha with whip.” That would be ridiculous, and I shouldn’t be writing a marriage book if that were the case! Kristen and I share all our resources. We are one flesh, so we act like it in every way. A joint bank account communicates that you view your resources as “ours,” not “yours” and “mine.” You have some built-in accountability since you can see each other’s transactions, and you communicate an all-in oneness with each other.
6. Why Is Porn Such a Big Deal?
No issue I’m aware of has hurt or destroyed more relationships than pornography. I don’t think we’ve even begun to see anywhere near the full detrimental effects of pornography.
You need to know pornography is sin. Every time you look at pornography, you are lusting and committing adultery in your heart (Matt. 5:27–30). You are supporting an evil industry that enslaves women and feeds the pockets of greedy manipulators. It sets you up for comparison, insecurity, and counterfeit intimacy. The woman often compares herself to women in pornography; and the man, even more often, can’t perform sexually without thinking of or bringing porn into the bedroom.5
Pornography is available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week on our computers, tablets, and phones. We can find it all over the web, on many television stations, and in many romance novels. Porn is killing relationships in every stage of life. It nearly destroyed my life.
We can’t solve this problem in a few paragraphs, but full books have been written on porn, and I’ve compiled a list of recommended resources for you to help battle this struggle if you have a history with pornography.6
7. Should We Move In Together before Getting Married?
Studies show that 60 to 80 percent of couples will move in together before they say “I do.” In a worldly way, I know it makes sense. You and your significant other want to make sure you are compatible and try things out before you get married. Before I trusted in Christ, I walked through life with the same perspective.
However, let me warn you. Women often think moving in together is a sign of future marital commitment. Guys, on the other hand, know it means they can enjoy the benefits of marriage without the commitment marriage requires. Most couples who move in together will not get married.
Cohabitation is sin. God designed marriage in a way that says the man leaves his father and mother, unites to his wife, and then they become one flesh. They don’t leave their home and live with their future spouse until they become one flesh.
If you’re looking for ways to test the relationship, let me give you a few better ways:
8. Does God Guarantee a Great Sex Life after Marriage If We Abstain before Marriage?
Some of you have been told a lie that holding out before marriage means God owes you amazing sex as a married couple. On behalf of other Christians and the church, I’m so sorry. The Bible includes no promise that if you abstain sexually before marriage, then God owes you anything after marriage. The reward comes in the obedience of trusting what God says about marriage and intimacy.
If you do have problems in your sex life after getting married, then make sure you seek help from a trusted friend, pastor, professional counselor, or even a medical doctor. Couples are often too scared to ask for help when it comes to intimacy, but I encourage you to seek wise counsel if this becomes a challenge in your marriage.
9. Is It Wrong for My (Future) Spouse and I to Attend Different Churches?
The precursor to this FAQ is covered in chapter 3: Are you building your lives on the same spiritual foundation? Assuming you and your significant other are both Christians who are aligned in your views on Jesus and salvation, then you should make sure you discuss a church home.
Before you tie the knot, the two of you might live in different towns or attend different churches. But you should do everything you can to get counsel from a healthy church and plan on building your marriage and family at the same church (Prov. 13:20; 15:22; 19:20).
Your church home should play a huge role in helping you build your spiritual foundation (Matt. 7:24–27). Where you go to church is a much more important decision than where you get your daily cup of coffee or what college football team you root for. If you don’t attend the same or similar type of church, you will be receiving counsel from two different sources. In addition, you and your spouse will be cared for and underneath the authority of two different sources.
All the healthy, thriving couples I know attend the same church. They serve, worship, and learn together at the same church. They raise their children in the same church. For Kristen and me, most of our strongest friendships also come from our church. If the two of you cannot agree on teaching or worship style, one of you might need to put the preferences of the other before your own for the lasting benefit of your marriage.
Can you be married, attend different churches, and still have a good marriage? Possibly, but the chances of staying strong in your marriage are much greater if you attend the same church.
10. How Much Should We Spend on Our Wedding?
I started this book by challenging you to place a lot more time, money, and effort on your marriage than on your wedding day. But I also know weddings cost money. So how much should you spend on your wedding?
The pressure to throw an expensive wedding is intense, much more so today than when Kristen and I got married in 2001. Comparison, social media, and the influence of parents all work to increase the pressure you face as a couple.
As you think through how much to spend, ask yourselves this question: “What is the purpose of our wedding day?” The purpose of marriage is to be a picture of God’s love for the church (Eph. 5:22–33), so your wedding day should help illustrate this picture. Make sure you spend more time focused on fulfilling the picture of God’s purpose for marriage than you do the pictures you will have from your wedding.7
At the same time, it is right to celebrate, laugh, and dance at your wedding (Eccl. 3:4). Your wedding day should be a celebration—just don’t conform to the patterns of the world to simply impress others. I’d rather hear your wedding guests talk about the beauty of your relationship than about the beauty of the flowers or décor.
One last principle: don’t go into debt for your wedding. Debt in and of itself is not sinful, but the borrower is a slave to the lender (Prov. 22:7). Don’t put yourself into a position where you have to pay off debt for months and months just for a one-day wedding. Process with God’s Word, wise friends, and family how much you will spend on your wedding.
I’ve saved my favorite story for last. Let’s wrap up this book and help you tie the knot!