In addition to having realistic, healthy standards, a fulfilling life reflects balance that expresses our values and meets all of our needs. Codependency for Dummies lists over 90 different values and needs. Often, they overlap, such as good health, integrity, religion, and friendship. Typically, most perfectionists grew up in families where emotional needs went unmet and achievement was emphasized far more than other values and needs. Some families value success at any cost, even if that means sacrificing friendship, health, or integrity.
We have many needs, including some you may not have considered. When our needs are met, we feel happy, grateful, safe, loved, playful, alert, and calm. When they’re not, we feel sad, anxious, angry, tired, and lonely. Meeting our needs and living in accordance with our values reduces anxiety and irritability and lifts our sense of well-being.
Identifying our needs is the first step in meeting them. Perhaps, you don’t know or think about your needs.
• List your needs. It can be helpful to consider needs in these seven categories: Physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual, personal worth, and autonomy needs. (See Codependency for Dummies for a list of over 60 needs.)
• Create a pie chart of how you spend your time.
- Do your activities meet your needs?
- Which needs are being neglected?
- Which areas contribute to how you evaluate yourself (your self-esteem)?
- In which areas do you judge yourself the harshest?
- Does your mood fluctuate depending on your achievement or perfection in a particular area(s)?
- Is achieving excellence in one area creating an unhealthy imbalance in your life?
- How much does your self-evaluation depend on achieving your standards or achievement goal(s)?
Our beliefs, standards, and behavior reflect our underlying values, generally based on those of our parents, culture, and religion. (See also Chapter 10 about parental values.) The stronger the value, the more importance it has for us. Examples of some common values are:
• Family closeness
• Justice
• Education
• Hard work
• Friendship
• Spirituality
• Health
• Fitness
• Integrity
• Financial success
• Prestige
• Generosity
• Freedom
• Cleanliness
• Creativity
• Independence
• Fun
• Intimacy
• Security
Living contrary to our true values undermines our self-worth. On the other hand, if our highest value is achievement and we evaluate our worth based only on that, although it may yield financial success, security, or prestige, it can cost us our sense of wellbeing, health, and relationships.
• List your values. To identify them, think about how you spend your time. What are your religious and political beliefs, things that make you angry, nonprofits you support, and the character of people you admire?
• Prioritize your values. Number the most important value as number 1.
- Are your activities consistent with your values?
- Do your values reflect balance in your life?
• Starting with your lowest value, imagine living without it. Do this progressively until you reach your top priority. Consider whether you want to reprioritize your values. What changes in your life would be necessary?
Basing your self-esteem on your success in only one area of your life places your self-esteem at risk and exposes it to frequent fluctuation. It creates enormous stress, especially when excessively high standards guarantee failure. It’s also unrealistic, because we all have human needs for fulfillment in many areas. Although achieving excellence or a goal may yield fleeting satisfaction, this formula leads to low-self-esteem, anxiety, irritability, guilt, frustration, and depression.
By participating in more activities, you bring balance to your life and meet more of your needs. It can also lessen the impact that failure or setbacks in one area might have on your self-esteem. See Chapter 13, about expanding your life.