3

Taking Control of Your Money

They were in my office. She was weeping uncontrollably. He was outwardly stoic, but I could tell he was deeply frustrated. Seven years and two children into their marriage, it was in shambles.

From her perspective, before they were married, he was romantic, loving, and caring. After the wedding, he became cold, withdrawn, and self-centered. With tears flowing freely, she said, “All I’ve ever wanted is a husband who will love me, who enjoys being with me—someone with whom I can share life. Is that too much to ask? I thought we had this before we got married. I don’t know what happened, but after the wedding, he was like a different man. Two years later, we had our first child. I thought that would bring us together, but I was wrong. Then came the second child. He started helping more around the house, but there was never any time for us. I felt like we were roommates taking care of two children. I love my children, but I also want a husband who will talk with me. I want us to have a life apart from raising children.”

When I looked at her husband, he said, “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to meet her needs. Finances have been tight. I have a good job, but I’m not a rich man. She works only part time. She likes gifts; she wants to go places and do things. All of that costs money, money that we don’t have. I’ve been trying to save money so we can buy a house. I know that she doesn’t like where we are living. There’s just not enough money to do everything.”

Later, when we looked at their financial situation, we discovered that they were an average family with an average income. The problem was they had never integrated their marriage and their money. He had been saving every penny to make a down payment on a house. In addition to his full-time job, he had worked a part-time job three evenings a week, and every extra dollar had gone into the housing fund. While she, too, wanted to buy a house, she would have preferred an intimate marriage. When he was at home, he spent time with the children and time watching sports events on television, but little or no time with his wife. Consequently, she was at a point of desperation. They were now living in their new house, and they were miserable. Upon reflection, he also agreed that the marriage was more important than the house, but this had not been reflected in his actions.

Put Your Money Where Your Priorities Are

There is a simple principle that, when applied, will keep a marriage alive regardless of a couple’s income. The principle is this: Put your money where your priorities are. If the marriage relationship is a priority—and if special gifts, a weekly date night, and occasional weekend getaways will enhance the marriage—then invest money in making these a reality. The house may come two or three years later than anticipated, but at least you will have a marriage to place in the house. The house will be a home rather than a boarding place.

Without question, children are expensive. One recent report indicated that to rear a child from birth to college will cost approximately $250,000.55 To the average couple, such figures may seem overwhelming. The good news is that, especially in the United States, the opportunities for successfully financing a family are unlimited. There are numerous ways to cut corners, save, and invest that make it possible to have a successful marriage and rear healthy children on almost any level of income. The key is in utilizing these opportunities. Far too often couples get caught up in mimicking their neighbors’ lifestyle rather than thinking creatively about how to accomplish their own priorities.

If our priorities are a healthy marriage and creating a positive learning environment for our children, then our money should be channeled toward reaching these objectives rather than following the materialistic lifestyle of our neighbors. If you are feeling that you do not have enough financial resources to do the things that enrich your marriage, then it is time for you to take control of your money.

There are only two basic methods to increase funds to invest in your marriage. They are simple to state but require effort to implement. One is lowering your expenditures, and the other is increasing your income. In my opinion, the easiest place to start is in lowering your expenses. In the next few paragraphs, we have reviewed some practical suggestions for doing this. Some of these will require a change of attitude, but it will be a change that will greatly enhance your marriage relationship.

Spending Less and Enjoying It More

There are numerous ways to increase a couple’s marital-enrichment fund by spending less. Bob and Jean live in southern Illinois. At one of my marriage seminars, they shared with me that they had saved thousands of dollars by recycle shopping. It all started with an experiment. They agreed that for six months they would buy all their household items, all their clothes, and all the children’s toys and school supplies at one of three places—the local Goodwill store, Salvation Army store, or consignment shop. After six months, they were hooked.

“We love it,” said Jean. “The things we buy are high quality, and we get them at really good prices.”

Another couple who live in Florida described something even better than shopping at Goodwill—free shopping, which is discussed more fully in chapter 6 of “Profit Sharing.” The couple drive through affluent neighborhoods the night before the discards are to be collected, they let their friends know they are open to receiving hand-me-downs, and they request specific toys as gifts for their children from their parents.

Another way to save money by spending less is seasonal shopping. My wife is an expert in this kind of shopping, which is especially helpful when buying clothing. Karolyn likes to wear nice clothes, and I like to see her in nice clothes. But she never pays full price for anything. She always shops at the end-of-season sales. I don’t mean the first day of the sale; I mean after items have been reduced one, two, or three times. The money she saves by seasonal shopping provides a rather good “income.”

When it comes to food and household items, there is also discount shopping. In most towns, there is a good store that sells products cheaper than all the rest. Why not buy your groceries there? Their bananas came off the same boat as the bananas at the more expensive store. And by using manufacturers’ coupons, you can save even more. Buying at the cheapest store, using coupons, and stocking up on the special-sale items can save literally hundreds of dollars in your food and household budget.

With all these additional funds, you can pay for that weekend getaway, start a savings fund for your children’s college education, and save money for the new house. These savings can be channeled toward your priorities—an enriched marriage and healthy, responsible children.

Increasing Your Income

The second basic method of having more money for your marital-enrichment fund and family-fun fund is to increase your income. One way to do this is by saving and investing. Typically, a savings account is established to accomplish a particular objective such as taking a family vacation, buying a new car, or preparing for your child’s education. On the other hand, investing involves putting discretionary funds to work for you. The yield on investments is usually higher over the long haul than the yield on savings accounts. But realize also that there are greater risks with investing. Never invest money that you really need for something else. Invest only money that you could afford to lose. Many couples have failed to follow this principle and have created severe financial pressure.

A second way to increase your income is for one of you to take on additional work. This may be a part-time job in the home or outside the home. Two guidelines should be followed when exploring this possibility: First, make sure that you understand the requirements of the job before you take the plunge. Second, assess with your spouse the impact this additional job will have on your marriage relationship. Remember, your ultimate priority is a better marriage, not more income. If the income will enhance your marriage and the job will not detract from your intimacy, then perhaps it is a good move.

Let me conclude this chapter by saying that the best things in life are free—or at least inexpensive. Taking time to enjoy a sunset, picking a wildflower and giving it to your spouse, enjoying the colors of fall leaves, going to church, taking a walk together, or sitting together on the porch while the crickets serenade you costs nothing! Sharing ice-cream cones, eating your favorite pizza, taking a swim, or attending a movie together are all relatively inexpensive.

The challenge of this chapter is for you to take control of your money so that you will have the necessary funds to enrich your marriage on a regular basis as well as provide for the material needs of your family.

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. At the present time, is the way you handle finances working for your marriage or against your marriage? Is decreasing your expenditures to increase funds for enriching your marriage an option you are willing to consider? If so, review the creative shopping ideas (recycle, free, seasonal, and discount) and determine which ones seem to be most feasible to you.

2. Discuss these with your spouse and agree on a spending plan for the next six months.

3. Are you pleased with your present pattern of saving and investing? If not, what would you like to change? Discuss these changes with your spouse and see if you can agree on a more productive plan.

4. Is there a realistic possibility that one of you could accept additional work for the purpose of producing additional income? How would this impact your marriage relationship? Explore this possibility with your spouse.