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Love and Sex: The Perfect Combination

Contrary to popular belief, Hollywood did not invent sex. According to the most ancient Jewish writings, the Book of Beginnings, God looked at the man he had created and said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” The Creation narrative continues, “God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” The man exclaimed, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” Then the Creator declared that the two would “become one flesh.” The account concludes with these words: “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”61

Sex Is Beautiful

Based on this ancient Creation account, Jews and Christians have always viewed marriage as a sacred relationship between a husband and wife, instituted by God. The sexual union between the husband and wife is seen as a living symbol of their deep companionship. That Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed indicates that from God’s perspective, sex is beautiful.

Throughout the Old and New Testament Scriptures, God repeatedly affirms the beauty of sexual intercourse within the marital relationship. While the Bible records incidents of polygamy, fornication (sex outside of marriage), adultery, homosexuality, incest, and rape, these distortions of sexuality are never approved by God. Sexual intercourse from God’s perspective is an act of love that binds the souls of a husband and a wife to each other in a lifelong, intimate relationship.

The Purpose of Sex

It is obvious that one of the purposes of relating to each other sexually in the context of marriage is for reproduction. God himself said to Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.”62 Husbands and wives who love each other and express their love sexually provide the healthiest context in which to rear children. It is interesting that contemporary research supports this ancient biblical pattern.63

However, procreation is not the only purpose, nor the primary purpose, of sexual intercourse within marriage. Far more basic are the psychological and spiritual dimensions of making love. As a husband and wife give themselves to each other sexually, they are building a psychological and spiritual bond that unites their souls at the deepest possible level. Together they can face the challenges of life because they are soul partners. Nothing unites a husband and wife more deeply than making love.

On the other hand, if the married couple is simply having sex without love, this bonding does not take place. Thus, the couple become estranged, and their union will eventually dissipate. For some, divorce is the culmination of this estrangement. Having sex without love builds resentment and, later, hostility.

God intends marital sex to be an experience of extreme pleasure. This pleasure is not limited to the physical sensation of orgasm. It also involves the emotions, the intellect, and the spirit. Sexual intercourse within marriage is designed to give us a taste of the divine. It involves the total person and brings waves of pleasure as we make love.

An Ancient Example

The books of Hebrew poetry found in the Old Testament seek to capture this pleasure. Here are the words of a husband speaking to his bride: “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon. . . . You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.” His bride responds, “Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.”64

A short time later, the wife says of her husband, “My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. . . . His cheeks are like beds of spice. . . . His arms are rods of gold. . . . His legs are pillars of marble. . . . His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend.”65

Obviously, these ancient lovers are finding great pleasure in relating to each other sexually. They are discovering what it means to make love, not just have sex.

Accentuate the Positive

Notice particularly in the passages above that the husband and the wife each accentuated the positive characteristics of the other.

Contemporary couples, in contrast, often tend to focus on the negative. Even though there were many, many positive characteristics that drew them to each other when they first met, when conflicts begin to emerge, they focus on the negative. They verbalize these by saying such things as, “I can’t believe you are so lazy.” “I have never known anyone as selfish as you.” “You are just like your father. No wonder your mother left him.” Such statements create hurt, anger, and resentment. And typically an offended spouse reciprocates with more negative statements. When we focus on the negative, we draw out the worst in our spouse.

On the other hand, when we choose to focus on the positive, we stimulate a positive response. The wife who says, “Wow. Do you ever look tough tonight!” will likely receive not only a smile but also positive words about the way she looks. The spouse who says, “Thanks for cooking the meal; it was delicious,” stimulates warm, positive feelings in the heart of the one who prepared the meal. When we focus on the positive and verbalize our appreciation and admiration for each other, we create a climate in which sex can become a genuine expression of love.

Sex was designed by God to be a mutually satisfying experience whereby husbands and wives express their love, intimacy, and commitment to each other. A husband and wife may engage in sexual intercourse without feelings of love, intimacy, and commitment, but this has never been God’s ideal. God’s intention is for couples to make love, not just have sex.

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. How would you explain the difference between making love and just having sex?

2. On a scale of 1–10, with 10 being the highest, how would you rank your success at “making love”? How do you think your spouse would rank you?

3. What would you like your spouse to do (or stop doing) that would make the sexual relationship more meaningful for you?

4. What could you do (or stop doing) to make the sexual relationship more meaningful for your spouse?

5. Would you be willing to share your answers to the above questions with your spouse?