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Love Gives but Never Demands

Some Christians like to use the Scriptures as a club to demand their sexual rights in marriage. One Scripture passage often used is 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other.” The husband reads this to his wife and demands that she perform her “wifely duties.” Or a frustrated wife will say, “All I want is for him to be a husband to me. Is that asking too much?”

The apostle Paul sets out the marital ideal: A husband will reach out and seek to meet his wife’s sexual needs, and she will do the same for him. That is a picture of true lovemaking. However, we are not to demand the ideal; instead, we are to create the ideal. Most of us find it easier to preach the ideal than to practice it.

So what is the process that brings us to the point of mutual lovemaking? I believe it begins with prayer. We each ask God to give us the attitude of Christ toward our spouse. A husband is specifically challenged to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.69 Christ loved the church before the church loved him; that is, he took the initiative. He loved the church in the face of rejection, and he loved the church all the way to death. There is no limit to his love. What is our response to such love? The Scriptures say, “We love [God] because He first loved us.”70 His love stimulated our love. God did not force us to do anything, but his love won our hearts.

This is the pattern for marriage. The husband takes the initiative to love his wife—and to persist in that love even through times of rejection. When the wife sees that he is unconditionally committed to her well-being, she respects him, and to use the language of Hebrew poetry, she invites him into her garden to enjoy the pleasures that she has ready for him.

Listen to the words of love that flow from the heart of a Hebrew husband from ancient times: “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes . . . are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats. . . . Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance. . . . Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”71

Husbands, if you want to speak words of love to your wife, you might use this as a model. Of course, you will need to update the metaphors. But I’m sure you’re creative enough to do that.

What do these tender, affirming words do for a wife? They ignite her passion. She invites her husband to taste the sexual fruits of her body when she responds, “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.”72

The husband responds to her invitation: “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.”73 Wow! That is making love, not just having sex.

The pattern is clear. The husband takes the initiative, not in demanding sex but in loving his wife. His words of affirmation describing her beauty touch her heart and make her want to be sexually intimate with him. Notice carefully that he did not enter the garden until she invited him. This is a part of lovemaking that many husbands do not understand. They are happy to take initiative—but in most husbands’ minds, that means initiating a sexual encounter. The husband is sexually stimulated and assumes his wife has the same desire. So he barges ahead and enters the garden long before she is ready to invite him. The results? They end up having sex, but not making love.

Waiting for his wife’s invitation can be frustrating for a man. One husband said, “I’ve been waiting for six months. How much longer do I wait?” The answer is not simply continuing to wait but rather giving love. The passage of time will not stimulate sexual arousal in a wife, but consistent love will.

I am fully aware that the pattern I have just presented is contrary to “what comes naturally.” By nature, we tend to expect our spouse to meet our sexual needs. If our needs aren’t met, then we start demanding. Such demands create resentment and drive our spouse further away. Making love is about giving, not demanding. When we focus on creating an atmosphere of love in which we are genuinely seeking to affirm our spouse, we will eventually hear the invitation.

All of this requires a change of heart. Each of us is by nature egocentric—thinking the world revolves around “me.” Christ was not self-centered. He focused on his mission of loving the church and giving himself for it. When we ask God to change our perspective, then allow him to do so, we are on the road to making love, not just having sex.

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. Has your attitude about sex leaned more toward giving or toward demanding?

2. Would you be willing to ask God to give you the attitude of Christ toward your spouse—taking the initiative to give rather than waiting and expecting to receive?

3. Think about ways in which your words or actions may be creating frustration or resentment in your spouse. What can you say or do differently in the future?

4. Ask God to change your perspective—and then allow him to do it.