5

Love’s Most Effective Language

As you have been reading this part, “Making Love,” perhaps you have thought, I’ve tried some of these things, but they didn’t seem to make a difference. No matter what I do, it doesn’t seem to be enough to satisfy my spouse. Throughout my counseling career I have encountered hundreds of couples who are sincerely trying to express love to each other and to make the sexual part of the marriage a genuine act of love. But they have been frustrated because their expressions of love haven’t seemed to be “enough” for their spouses.

I remember Marc, who said, “I really wanted to do something special for Jill. I wanted her to know how much I loved her, so I spent a lot of money on a ring that I thought she would like. I planned to give her the ring at the end of a romantic evening. We had dinner together at a very nice restaurant and took a walk in a botanical garden. I told her I had a surprise for her and that I wanted her to know how much I loved her. Then I gave her the ring. She was very appreciative and gave me a big kiss and hug. I anticipated that later that evening we would have a dynamite sexual experience, but she said, ‘I’m too tired.’ I spent the next two hours lying in bed beside my wife wondering, What does a man have to do to get a little love from his wife?”

Marc genuinely desired to make sex with his wife an act of love. He thought that a romantic dinner, followed by a walk in a beautiful garden, topped off with an expensive gift would surely create the climate for a loving sexual experience. The problem was not his sincerity; he was extremely sincere. The problem was his mistaken concept of what would make his wife feel loved. His idea was that any woman would feel loved if a man did what he had done that evening. What he did not take into account is that people have different love languages. What makes one woman feel loved will not necessarily make another woman feel loved.

In my counseling with Marc and Jill, I found that Jill’s primary love language was acts of service. What really made her feel loved was having Marc help her with household projects, doing something to “lighten her load.” Marc was speaking the language of quality time, giving his wife an evening of undivided attention, and the love language of gifts. While both of these were appreciated by Jill, they did not deeply touch her heart as sincere expressions of love. She had been asking him for months to help her with the dishes, take out the trash, vacuum the floors, and wash her car. Her requests had fallen on deaf ears.

In Marc’s mind, household chores were not the responsibility of the husband, and why should he wash her car when he didn’t even wash his own? It cost only $3 to drive it through a car wash. She could do that as well as he could. But the result was that Jill didn’t feel loved by Marc; rather, she was beginning to resent him. Dinner at a nice restaurant, a walk in the garden, and a nice gift did not compensate for the hurt and sense of rejection that she felt. He was sincere, but he was not expressing his love in the most effective language.

The Five Love Languages

As I have discussed in other parts of this book, I have discovered through counseling hundreds of couples that there are five fundamental ways to express love. I call them the five love languages. Several years ago I wrote a book with that title. It has now sold over five million copies and has been translated into thirty-five languages around the world.74 In this chapter, I want to review each of these languages and discuss how they relate to this particular topic of making love.

Each of us has a primary love language; that is, one of the five languages speaks more deeply to us than the other four. It is very similar to spoken language. All of us grew up speaking a language with a dialect (I grew up speaking English Southern style). It is this language and dialect that we understand best. The same is true with emotional love. If your spouse speaks your primary love language, you will feel loved and appreciated. If your spouse does not speak your love language, you may feel unloved even though your spouse is speaking some of the other love languages.

Words of Affirmation

The Scriptures say “Love edifies.”75 That is, love builds up another person. When you speak the language of words of affirmation, you are using words to express love and appreciation to your spouse.

• “Wow! Do you ever look nice in that outfit.”

• “Thanks for taking the recycling out.”

• “Great meal! I really appreciate all your hard work.”

• “I felt really proud of you when I saw you reading a Bible story to Jennifer tonight.”

• “Thanks for putting gas in my car. That was a real help.”

• “Your hair looks very nice.”

• “I’m glad you volunteered to teach the five-year-olds in Sunday school. You’ll do a great job. Children love you.”

• “You’re losing weight and looking nice. Of course, I would love you even if you didn’t lose weight.”

All these statements are words of affirmation. Words of affirmation may focus on your spouse’s personality: “I love the fact that you’re so organized. It saves us so much time.” Or, “Your optimism encourages me to always try.” Words of affirmation may also focus on some accomplishment your spouse has made: “I’m so pleased that you are taking that course on computers. I knew you could do it.” “I was so proud of you when you caught that long fly ball in the softball game tonight. That play won the game for your team.” This love language may also focus on your spouse’s physical appearance: “I feel so secure when I touch the muscles in your arm.” “I love your blue eyes. They are always so sparkly.”

Nothing makes a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation feel more loved than the positive words you speak. Conversely, if you speak harsh, negative words, your spouse will be extremely hurt and will not quickly recover. It will be almost impossible for your spouse to make love after hearing harsh words from you. If this is your spouse’s primary love language, you must learn to speak it fluently if you want to make sex an act of love.

Gifts

For some people, nothing speaks more deeply of love than a thoughtful gift. The gift communicates that someone was thinking of them. The gift may be as simple as a wildflower picked out of the yard or as expensive as the ring that Marc gave Jill. The important thing is not how much the gift cost but that someone was thinking about them. The gift is a visible indication of thoughtfulness and communicates love loudly.

If receiving gifts is your spouse’s primary love language, you will need to learn to give gifts regularly. You do not need to be a millionaire to speak this language. Some gifts are free: a four-leaf clover, a coin you found in the parking lot, a “treasure” that you have saved from your childhood, a “prize” found in a cereal box. Other gifts are very inexpensive: a candy bar, an ice-cream cone, a single rose purchased from a street vendor, your spouse’s favorite magazine, or a charm for her bracelet. Other gifts are much more expensive, such as tickets to a professional sports event, diamonds and rubies, membership at the local gym, or a pampering treatment at a local spa. Your spouse knows what your budget can afford. The person whose love language is gifts doesn’t expect gifts that are financially unreasonable. But such a spouse does expect evidence of your love, and that means gifts.

Perhaps receiving gifts is not very meaningful to you. If so, you have probably been reluctant to give gifts to your spouse. However, if receiving gifts is your spouse’s primary love language, then you have been missing out on the most effective way to express your love. It will take time to learn to “speak” this language. You may need to engage the help of your wife’s sister or your husband’s brother for ideas. Or you may ask your spouse to make a list of the kinds of gifts that would be meaningful.

If receiving gifts is your spouse’s primary love language, then don’t let a single special day pass without giving a special gift. Then sprinkle in gifts on nonspecial days too.

Acts of Service

The third love language is acts of service—doing things for your spouse that you know your spouse would like you to do. If you have been married for a few years, you probably know what they are because your spouse has requested them through the years:

• “Will you give the baby a bath while I finish the dishes?”

• “Would you take the trash out tonight, please?”

• “Would you mind driving my car to pick up Stephanie? Also, it would be helpful if you would stop on the way home and get some gas and wash my windshield.”

• “Would you stop by the pharmacy and pick up my prescription?”

• “Would it be possible for you to mow the grass on Friday evening? My sister is coming over on Saturday.”

• “Could you make a cherry cobbler this week? I love your cherry cobblers.”

All these questions are requests for acts of service. If your spouse has requested something once, you can assume it is something that would be appreciated on a regular basis.

If acts of service is your spouse’s primary love language, then your positive response to a request communicates your love in a powerful way. On the other hand, when you ignore a request, your spouse will feel unloved. An expensive gift will not take the place of your regularly taking out the recycling. This is the discovery that Marc made when he and Jill were in counseling.

Speaking the love language of your spouse enhances the sexual relationship because your spouse now feels loved. I remember the husband who said to me, “I wish someone had told me twenty years ago that my taking out the garbage was sexy for my wife. For me, it was just another responsibility. Had I known it was sexy, I would have taken out the garbage twice a day!” He learned a little late, but at least he learned.

Quality Time

Quality time means giving your spouse your undivided attention. If this is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing is more important than the two of you having uninterrupted time together.

Some people think of quality time as simply two people being together. I remember the husband who said to me, “I knew she liked football as much as I did, so I got tickets to the game. She had told me that quality time was her love language. I expected that after a whole evening together, she would really feel loved. I was shocked when we got home that night and she said to me, ‘Alex, do you really love me?’

“I said, ‘You know I love you. That’s why I got tickets to the game. You told me that quality time was your love language and I wanted us to have some time together.’ She shook her head, walked off, and started crying.

“That’s when I knew I was missing something. Later she said, ‘We were together, that’s true, but we were not focusing on each other. Our attention was on the game. You talked to the man beside you and the man in front of you, but you said almost nothing to me. On the way home, all we talked about was the game. We were together for four hours, but you never asked me anything about myself. Sometimes I wonder if you really care.’

“I assured her that I did care about her and that I loved her very much, but I could tell that my words sounded empty to her. That’s the night I picked up the book The Five Love Languages and started reading it. She had been asking me for months to read it. She had told me about the concept and that her language was quality time. But I knew I was missing it.

“As I read the book, I realized that what she wanted was my undivided attention. She wanted me to sit on the couch with her, to take a walk with her, or to ask her questions and express interest in what was going on in her life. She didn’t want to compete with the television or the computer. She wanted to know that she was number one in my life. I realized that my efforts to speak her language had missed the mark.”

He continued, “The next day I took the book to work and finished reading it. That night I told her that I had read it and realized that I had failed to understand what she meant by quality time. I told her how sorry I was and that I wanted her to know how much I loved her. I asked her if she would like for us to initiate a ‘daily sharing time’ in which we would take twenty to thirty minutes every evening, sit down with the TV off, and talk with each other about what was going on in our lives. She said, ‘That’s what I’ve been wanting for so long.’

“That was the beginning of a whole new chapter in our marriage. Some nights when she felt like it, we would take a walk together. Other nights we sat on the couch and talked. Within two weeks, I saw her whole attitude toward me begin to change. Things in the bedroom changed. I had begun to think that she had lost interest in sex, but now she was taking the initiative. It was hard for me to believe that a little ‘talking time’ every day could make such a difference in her attitude.

“My love language is words of affirmation,” he said. “And she is now speaking my language. For several months before ‘the change,’ she had been giving me critical words almost every day. That was one of the reasons I tried to stay away from her. I not only felt unloved, I felt like she didn’t even like me, that nothing I did was enough. If only I had focused my energy on speaking her love language, things would have been different years earlier. Now that we have the love part figured out, sex has never been better.”

What Alex discovered is that quality time is not simply being in the same house or at the same ball game. It is, rather, giving undivided attention, expressing interest in what is going on in the other person’s life. Going to the ball game can be an expression of quality time if you spend some of that time looking into your spouse’s eyes, asking questions, expressing interest so that your spouse feels more important than the game. You must talk with him or her more than with the man next to you or in front of you.

The difference is focus. Is your focus on the game, or is your focus on your spouse? The latter is quality time; the former is simply going to a ball game. Quality time involves asking questions about your spouse’s activities, desires, thoughts, and feelings—and listening to the answers.

One warning: If in such a quality-time conversation your spouse shares struggles and frustrations, don’t jump quickly to offer answers. When you give quick fixes, your spouse senses that you don’t understand the problem. A better approach is to affirm your spouse’s feelings and frustrations by saying, “I can see how that would be very frustrating. I think that would frustrate me as well.” Then ask, “Is there anything I could do that might be helpful?” Be responsive to any suggestions. If your spouse asks for your advice, give it; but offer it as “something that might help,” not as the thing that will solve the problem. What your spouse is looking for is understanding and support. You don’t need to play the role of a parent and give instructions on what to do.

If your spouse’s love language is quality time, I would encourage you to establish a daily sharing time as quickly as possible (that is, if your spouse agrees that this would be something he or she would appreciate). You will be on the road to filling the emotional love tank of your spouse—and that full love tank will spill over into the bedroom.

Physical Touch

Physical touch is a powerful communicator. We will talk in the next chapter about negative physical touch: physical and sexual abuse. Here we’re talking about positive, affirming touches. Holding hands, embracing, kissing, putting your arm around her shoulder, putting your hand on his neck are all affirming touches.

For some people, physical touch is the primary method of receiving love. If such a person does not receive affirming touches from a spouse, he or she will feel unloved even though the spouse may be giving words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. The reasoning is, “If you seldom touch me, it means you seldom think about me. I am unimportant in your life.”

These people will normally be touchers themselves. This is the man who is reaching out to give a pat on the back to everyone he encounters. This is the woman who is hugging everyone she meets. They are touching others because in their minds this is the way to express love.

Perhaps you grew up in a nontouching family. Touching does not come naturally for you. Now you find yourself married to someone for whom physical touch is the primary love language. What are you to do? The answer is simple—learn to touch. The first few times you reach out to initiate affirming touch may seem awkward or unnatural to you. I assure you it will be meaningful to your spouse. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Make it your goal to lovingly touch your spouse every day. If your spouse’s love language is physical touch, a hug before you leave the house and a kiss when you return will do wonders in the bedroom.

Sexual intercourse obviously involves physical touch. However, if you touch your spouse only when you have sex, and your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, I can tell you sex will not be an act of love. One wife said, “The only time he ever touches me is when he wants to have intercourse. I never get a kiss, he never hugs me, he never takes my hand when we get out of the car. He never holds my hand when we sit together. My primary love language is physical touch. My emotional love tank is on empty. Then he wants to have sex. It’s almost more than I can bear. I feel so unloved by him.” This husband is having sex, but he is not making love.

Because of the biological male sex drive, some husbands will automatically jump to the conclusion that their primary love language is physical touch, which they equate with having sex. My questions to them are: Do nonsexual touches make you feel loved? When she gives you a hug or a kiss that does not lead to sexual intercourse, do you feel loved? Do you like her to hold your hand as you walk down the sidewalk? Do you enjoy her sitting close to you on the couch? If these nonsexual touches do not communicate emotional love, then your primary love language is not physical touch.

Discovering Your Spouse’s Love Language

All of us can receive emotional love in any one of the five love languages, but our primary love language is the most important. If we receive heavy doses of love in our primary language, then expressions of the other four can be sprinkled in like icing on the cake. But if we don’t receive an adequate supply of our primary love language, we will not feel loved even though our spouse is sincerely speaking some of the other languages. Thus, the key to making sex an act of love is to make sure we understand and regularly speak our spouse’s primary love language.

How do you discover your spouse’s primary love language? Let me ask three questions. The first one is, How does your spouse most often express love to other people? If your spouse is a physical toucher, it probably means he or she receives love by physical touch. If your spouse is constantly verbally affirming people, words of affirmation is probably his or her love language. If your spouse gives gifts to others on every possible occasion, then receiving gifts may be the most important expression of love to your spouse.

A second question is, What does your spouse complain about most often? We typically get irritated when our spouse complains, but complaints reveal the need of the heart. If your husband says, “We don’t spend any time together,” he is telling you that quality time is his love language. When you return from a business trip, if your wife says, “You didn’t bring me anything,” she is telling you that receiving gifts is the most effective language to her.

A third question is, What does your spouse request of you most often? If your spouse rather regularly says, “Can we take a walk after dinner tonight?” or “Do you think we could get a weekend away within the next month?” you are being asked for quality time. If your spouse says, “Would you give me a back rub?” the request is for physical touch. If your spouse asks, “Did I do all right with that?” he or she is asking for affirming words.

The answers to these three questions will reveal your spouse’s primary love language.

When you learn to speak your spouse’s love language, you will see a significant difference in the emotional climate of your marriage. Remember, love’s most effective language is not what you think would make your spouse feel loved, it is what your spouse thinks would make him or her feel loved. Your spouse is the expert. Don’t try to impose your love language; rather, learn to speak the language that most effectively communicates love for your spouse. When you both feel loved, sex will no longer be a chore or a duty but rather a natural response. You will indeed be “making love.”

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. Do you know what your spouse’s primary love language is? Do you know what yours is?

2. If you have never considered the idea of love languages before, try asking yourself the three questions suggested at the end of this chapter.

3. How might knowing your spouse’s primary love language change the ways you express your love?

4. How would you like your spouse to change the way he or she expresses love to you, based on your primary love language?