6

Love Inflicts No Pain

She was weeping uncontrollably. “I’ve got to have help,” she said. “I can’t take it anymore. Last night, he pushed me onto the couch and gave me a thirty-minute lecture on how it was my fault that our children were not doing well in school, that if I would help them do their homework, they would make better grades. He accused me of watching television when I should be helping the children. I don’t know how he could accuse me of that. He’s never home in the evenings; he’s always having a drink with his buddies and talking about sports. I don’t get any help from him in rearing the children. He comes home at ten or eleven o’clock at night and wants to have sex. It’s unbearable! But if I refuse, he goes into a rage. So I go along with it, but I hate it.” It was obvious to me that this wife and husband, though they had sex, knew nothing of making love.

As long as one spouse is inflicting pain on the other, they will never experience the satisfaction of making love. There are many arenas in which pain can be experienced. Let me share three of the most common.

Emotional Pain

Emotional pain comes as the result of harsh language. Raised voices and condemning words are emotional bombs that explode in the human heart and destroy love.

The Hebrew Scriptures tell us, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”76 You can kill your spouse—or you can give life—by the way you speak. When you encourage your spouse with affirming words, it creates the desire to be better. When you tear your spouse down with negative words, it creates the desire to return fire with equally damaging words.

In most marriages, emotional pain is rarely one sided. Failing to love and respect each other typically leads to condemning and berating each other. For example, the husband of the woman we met at the beginning of this chapter had this to say: “She is so critical of me, and what she says is not true. I don’t hang out with the boys every night. One night a week, we enjoy Monday Night Football together, but the rest of the week, I’m at home working in the yard or on the house.” (They were in the process of restoring an old house.) “Nothing I do is good enough for her. She blames me for all of our problems. I know I shouldn’t have pushed her onto the couch, but I had had enough. When she told me it was my fault that the children were not doing well in school, I exploded. I didn’t get an education. I can’t help the children. She could help them, but instead, she watches television and smokes cigarettes, which I hate. The smoke is killing all of us.”

Words of condemnation, like the ones this husband and wife hurled at each other, sting deeply and build more resentment. Two people who resent each other become fountains of negative words that stimulate more emotional pain. When the heart is filled with pain, there is no room left for love. The couple may withdraw from each other in order to escape the harsh words. Or, they may continue with their verbal gunfire until one of them finally capitulates. In silence they both suffer the pain of condemnation and rejection. While they may continue to have sex, they will never be able to make love until there is genuine repentance and forgiveness and until the harsh words are replaced with words of love and concern.

The good news is that if we are willing to turn from our destructive behavior and confess our own failures, not only will God forgive us, but usually our spouse will also be willing to forgive. When the walls of hurt and pain have been removed, we have the potential to learn to be lovers, to speak affirming and encouraging words that build each other up and create a desire in each other to be even better.

Some time ago, I shared the power of affirming words with a frustrated wife. She looked at me and said with all sincerity, “I hear what you are saying. I know it would be good if I could give my husband some positive words. But to be honest with you, I can’t think of anything good about him.”

I paused. Finally I asked, “Does your husband ever take a shower?”

“Yes.”

“How often?” I asked.

“Every day,” she said.

“Then if I were you, I’d start there. Tell him, ‘I appreciate your taking a shower today.’ There are some men who don’t.”

I’ve never met a man about whom you couldn’t find something good to say. I’ve never met a wife about whom you couldn’t find something good to say. And when you verbalize to your spouse something you like, you have taken the first step toward learning how to make love.

Physical Pain

Physical pain is experienced in two spheres. One is typically called physical abuse, and the other, sexual abuse. Physical abuse involves inflicting any type of bodily pain on another person. Pushing, shoving, shaking, hitting, and clawing are examples of physical abuse. Through the years, many people have sat in my office wearing long-sleeved sweaters or shirts designed to cover the bruises on their arms or with sunglasses hiding blackened eyes. Where physical abuse is a way of life, there will be no making love. The victim may acquiesce to avoid further abuse, but the heart is closed in pain.

Sexual abuse may or may not involve physical abuse such as that listed above. But even when it does not, pain is inflicted when one spouse treats the other as an object rather than a person. The husband who forces himself upon his wife sexually is abusing her. The husband who is insensitive when his wife has a painful physical condition, such as a vaginal infection, and insists on having sex anyway is also abusing her. On the other hand, the wife who refuses to get medical treatment for such conditions is abusing her husband. Such abuse stimulates pain and resentment, neither of which is conducive to making love.

Successful lovemaking requires the opposite attitude—one in which each expresses to the other, “The last thing I want to do is to hurt you, so please tell me if anything I do causes you physical pain. My desire is to give you pleasure, never to bring you pain.” When this attitude is expressed both in your words and in your behavior, you will learn to make love, not just have sex.

Spiritual Pain

For the Christian, sex has a spiritual dimension. Recognizing intercourse as a gift from God and marriage as the setting in which God intended men and women to experience sex, the Christian comes to sex with a deep sense of gratitude to God. This gratitude may even be expressed in the middle of lovemaking. The pleasure between husband and wife is so intense that one’s heart may be lifted in praise and thanksgiving to God for bringing them to each other.

However, this entire spiritual dimension is lost if one spouse chooses to walk away from God. If you are a believer and, for whatever reason, your spouse rejects God, you will experience great pain. You realize that the two of you will never reach your potential without the smile of God. If this is your situation, pray that God will give you the ability to love your spouse even when his or her behavior brings you great pain. God’s love toward us is unconditional. Strive to follow his example and trust God to make your own walk with him a positive influence on your spouse.

Conversely, sexual lovemaking is greatly enhanced when a husband or wife takes the initiative to acknowledge God in all areas of life. When a husband chooses to join his wife in a time of Bible reading and prayer, he enhances their sexual experience. When she sees him taking initiative in reading Bible stories to the children and making sure the children understand the love of God, her respect for him is increased. Her spiritual hunger for God makes her want to be intimate with this man, who is seeking God. It is simply a fact. Those couples who walk closely with God will be much more successful than others in lovemaking.

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. Can you think of a time when your spouse inflicted emotional pain on you with harsh, condemning, blaming words? Can you think of a time in which you inflicted pain on your spouse by using such words? Have you taken the initiative to confess this painful behavior to your spouse and ask for forgiveness? If so, how did your spouse respond? If not, would you be willing to take such action today?

2. Can you think of a time in which you physically or sexually abused your spouse? Can you think of a time in which your spouse physically or sexually abused you? Have either of you taken initiative to deal with past failures in this area? If not, why not do it today?

3. Does your present walk with God create a climate that enhances your sexual relationship? Is there a decision you need to make or an action you need to take that will move you closer to being a godly husband or a godly wife? Why not do it today?

4. Consider making the following statement to your spouse:

I want you to know that it is my desire to bring you pleasure and never pain in any area of life. So if I ever hurt you, will you please tell me so that I can apologize?

Such a statement will greatly enhance your ability to make love, not just have sex.