2

Learn the Art of Showing Respect

Respect is a major ingredient in building positive in-law relationships. The word respect means “to consider worthy of esteem.”86 It has to do with the way we view people. For me, respect means that I choose to see you as being extremely important because you are made in God’s image. My choice to respect you is not based on your character or on your treatment of me. Rather, it is based upon my perception of who you are.

Respect has nothing to do with the behavior of my in-laws or their opinion of themselves. They may see themselves as being the scum of society or as being God’s gift to mankind. Thus, their view of themselves may be marred or exalted. Whatever their view of themselves, I view them as persons who have great value because they bear the image of the Creator.

I may not like their behaviors, but I respect them as being fellow humans. They are gifted by God with a level of intelligence, with the capacity to experience emotions, and with freedom of choice. Also, they are ultimately responsible to God for how they use their lives.

When I choose the attitude of respect, it will be reflected in my behavior. Respect leads me to give my in-laws the same freedom that God allows me and all humans—the freedom to be different. Therefore, I will not seek to impose my will upon my in-laws. Rather, when I find myself at odds with them, I will look for a solution that will show respect for our differences. I will not seek to control them, nor will I allow them to control me. I will give to them the same respect that I hope they will give to me.

I may well feel irritated by something my in-laws say or do. The feeling of irritation is not sinful; however, I am responsible for how I respond to my irritation. If I lash out with harsh or critical words, then I have sinned. I have failed to show respect. If, on the other hand, I treat them with dignity by seeking to understand their perspective and then looking for win-win solutions, I am showing respect.

In an effort to make this practical, let’s look at five areas in which we commonly have opportunity to show respect to our in-laws.

Respecting Holiday Traditions

Marriage brings together two families, each of which has a history of celebrating holidays. It is inevitable that the manner in which they celebrate these holidays will be different. And the importance that they attach to these holiday celebrations will also differ from family to family.

For many young couples, the first Christmas becomes the first major conflict in the marriage. His mother wants the two of you at her house on Christmas Day, while her mother has the same desire. That may be possible if the parents live in close proximity and one focuses their celebration around lunch and the other around dinner. However, if they live more than a hundred miles apart, this arrangement is not feasible. If one set of in-laws insists on your presence on Christmas Day and the other set of in-laws reluctantly acquiesces, you have planted the seeds of resentment. Respect is absent in this decision. The in-laws who demanded your presence are not respecting the desires of the other in-laws, nor are they respecting your freedom as a young couple to make your own decisions.

If the art of showing respect had been applied, what might have happened? Both sets of parents would have freely communicated their personal desires to have the couple on Christmas Day. When informed that both sets of parents had the same desire, they would have encouraged the young couple to think through the situation and suggest an alternate plan. The couple are now free to explore possibilities. The couple may decide to decline both invitations and spend Christmas Day with each other. If distance is not a problem, they may suggest that they spend Christmas Eve with one set of in-laws and Christmas Day with the other, with the understanding that the following year they would switch the sequence. If distance prohibits this dual visit, they may suggest Christmas with one set of in-laws this year and the other set of in-laws next year. Who is first could be determined by the flip of a coin. If one parent is critically ill, then this may be sufficient reason to choose to be with them the first Christmas. If time and money are not a problem, Thanksgiving Day may be put into the mix so that both parents would see the couple within the space of six weeks.

You can see that there are several equally workable solutions to this holiday conflict. All of them require an attitude of respect from each of the family members. If respect is not present, then Christmas will not be a symbol of “peace on earth.” I have known young couples who stayed away from both sets of in-laws at Christmas, not because they did not desire to be there, but because they felt that both sets of parents were trying to manipulate them. Manipulation is the opposite of respect. Respect says, “This is what I would like and this is why I would like it. But I also know that you must make the decision that you believe is best for you.” Respect always allows freedom of choice.

I have known couples who freely admitted that they both preferred to be with one set of in-laws during the holidays rather than the other. Typically, this is because the emotional climate in one setting is extremely stressful, perhaps because of alcohol, verbal abuse, or unresolved conflicts from the past. However, I encourage young couples not to allow these feelings to lead them to write off one set of in-laws.

The Scriptures say to “honor your father and your mother.”87 We do not honor parents by writing them off. We can be honest about our feelings, honest about the stress level that we experience when we are with them, but we must not allow these realities to control our behavior. We honor parents not because we believe they are honorable but because they gave us life. Without them, we would not be here. That is a huge debt. We honor them by considering the request of one set of in-laws in the same manner that we consider the request of the other set of in-laws. We may not approve of the lifestyle of one or both sets of in-laws. We may consider their behavior not worthy of esteem. But we esteem them as persons of worth because they bear the image of the Creator.

Of course, if there is drug and alcohol abuse, profane language, and verbal or physical abuse, then you certainly must take that into account in deciding whether or not to celebrate the holidays with them, especially if you have children. One approach is to respect their freedom to make these lifestyle choices but request that while you and your children are there for the holidays they refrain from these behaviors. If they choose to respect you in the same way that you are respecting them, they may well agree, and you can have a healthy celebration of the holidays.

Showing Respect for Religious Differences

Ours is truly a global society. The couple next door may be Buddhist; the couple down the street, Hindu; the man who works with you, Muslim; and most of the rest, Christian. Within the Christian framework, there are many religious “dialects.” There is the Methodist dialect, Presbyterian dialect, Baptist dialect, and so forth. Each of these dialects represents a different way of expressing and practicing the Christian faith. They all agree on a common core of Christian beliefs, but beyond that, they differ in many ways.

Most people come to marriage having grown up in a religious context. They may have deeply held personal religious beliefs, or they may treat the belief system in which they grew up rather lightly. They may even have rejected the religion or religions of their parents. Seldom do two individuals come to marriage with the same religious background and beliefs, even if they grew up in the same church. These religious differences often become divisive in the marriage. They can also create barriers to wholesome in-law relationships. I remember the Protestant couple who said, “Our daughter married a Catholic. When they were dating, he visited our church and told us that he was not strongly committed to the Catholic church. But when the children came along, he insisted that they be raised in his religion. We feel like he deceived our daughter. Consequently, we don’t have a very good relationship with him.”

Because religion is such a vital part of life, I strongly urge couples considering marriage to explore fully the religious foundation on which they are seeking to build their relationship. When differences on fundamental religious beliefs are greatly diverse, these issues need to be resolved before the marriage. Otherwise, they can become huge barriers to marital unity. However, even when the two of them agree on fundamental religious questions, they may find themselves in strong disagreement with their in-laws’ religious perspective. One young husband said, “My sister married a Muslim. He told her that all religions were basically the same, but she soon realized that was not the case. It has been very difficult to build a positive relationship with my brother-in-law because he disagrees with almost everything I believe. Even if we try to stay away from the topic of religion, our fundamental religious beliefs tend to spill over onto the rest of life and we end up arguing about other issues as well.”

It is true that when one is committed to a religious system of thought, it influences the way one views all of life. That is why the apostle Paul urged Christians not to marry non-Christians.88 If we are going to have marital unity in the spiritual area of life, we must be close enough in our fundamental beliefs to be able to dialogue and grow together.

Because religious beliefs often go unexcavated in the dating phase of the relationship, couples often find themselves married before they realize that they have vastly different religious perspectives. These differences may be between the two of them or between them and their in-laws. So how do we process these differences, and what role does showing respect play?

Let’s begin by admitting that we may never be able to resolve all our religious conflicts. Efforts at blending various religions have never been very effective. On the other hand, if we try to convince our in-laws that their religious beliefs are wrong, we will likely experience nonproductive arguments. However, if we begin with the choice to respect their religious beliefs, we create a platform on which we can have authentic dialogue. In this atmosphere, both sides can come to understand each other’s beliefs more fully and even question each other’s beliefs while respecting the other’s right to believe what they choose.

Respect for your in-laws’ religious beliefs is a foundational requirement for building positive in-law relationships. This does not mean that you will agree with their beliefs. It does mean that you will give them the same freedom of choice that God grants them. Not all religious beliefs could possibly be true, for many of these beliefs actually contradict the others. Typically, we believe that our own religious beliefs are true. However, your in-laws also have the same persuasion about their religious beliefs. Respecting an individual’s freedom to choose is the foundation for all meaningful dialogue. With respect, we can have a meaningful, positive relationship even when we disagree on certain religious beliefs.

Eric and Jan were deeply committed Christians. He grew up in a Methodist home, and she grew up in a Presbyterian family. However, each of them made the discovery of a personal commitment to Jesus Christ while they were in college. They had believed the Christian faith while growing up, but their beliefs never profoundly affected their behavior. In a college classroom where the Christian faith was being questioned by an unbelieving professor, they were challenged to find answers to his attacks on the validity of the Christian faith. This pursuit led them to the personal conclusion that Jesus Christ was, indeed, divine; that his life from beginning to end gave evidence of supernatural power; and that his resurrection from the dead validated his teachings. They became involved in a Bible study group and began to invest their lives in reaching out to the troubled neighborhoods in their university town. They knew that when they finished college, their lives would never be the same.

When they got married shortly after graduation, they never anticipated that religion would be a point of conflict between them and their parents. Eric and Jan joined a community church. His father asked, “What denomination is the church?”

Eric replied, “It’s not affiliated with any denomination; it’s just a Christian church.”

“How can it be a Christian church and not be associated with any denomination?”

“I don’t know,” Eric said. “I just know it’s a church that teaches the Scriptures and people try to follow the teachings of Jesus. We like it and feel it’s where we need to be.”

“I don’t know why you didn’t join a Methodist church or a Presbyterian church. Why would you have to join a no-name church? It seems to me they must be hiding something. Are you sure it’s not a cult?”

When Jan shared with her parents that they had joined the community church, she got a similar response. “I guess we just assumed that you and Eric would join a Presbyterian church or a Methodist church since that’s what the two of you grew up in. I wish you had discussed it with us before you made your decision,” her mother said. “Was this Eric’s idea or your idea?”

“We both had the same idea, Mom. It’s the church we believe God wants us to attend.”

“I think you had better pray some more about that,” her mother said as she walked out of the room.

Eric and Jan were shocked at their parents’ responses. Some time later, they began to realize that her parents were blaming Eric for pulling Jan into a “no-name” church, and Eric’s parents were blaming Jan. In time, religion became an “off-limits” topic with both in-laws, but this young couple had to live with the awareness that their parents disagreed with their choice of church.

When they came to my office for help, I was empathetic with their frustration. Over the past thirty years, I have encountered numerous couples who were in conflict with their parents/in-laws over religious differences.

“We really don’t have that many differences,” Eric said. “The basic teachings in our church are the same as in the church of my parents. It is true that our church has a more contemporary worship style and the members are more heavily involved in Bible study, prayer meetings, and getting outside the walls of the church to minister to the needs of the community. But we have the same fundamental beliefs. I don’t understand why this has become such a problem with them.” I listened carefully as Jan also shared her struggles with her parents and her in-laws.

“I’m glad you came,” I said. “I’d hate to see you struggle with this frustration for the next twenty years. My guess is that your parents’ opposition to your being a part of the community church is based on fear and love. They love both of you very much. They want you to have a productive life. Their churches have been an important part of their lives through the years, and they want that for you, too. Their fear is based on the unknown. They know what a Methodist church is, and they know what a Presbyterian church is. But they don’t know about community churches. They are fearful that this might be a cultic Christian group that will pull you into beliefs and practices that are detrimental to your well-being.”

“But that’s not true,” said Eric.

“I know it’s not true, but they don’t know it’s not true,” I said. “All of us fear the unknown.”

“So, how can we help them understand?” asked Jan.

“It all begins with respect,” I said. “You must respect their choice of churches, and they must respect yours.”

“We do respect their choices,” Jan said, “but they don’t respect ours.”

“Let’s hope that can change,” I said.

“That’s why we came,” said Eric. “If they could just respect our choice and trust us the way we trust them, everything would be fine.”

That was the first of several sessions I had with Eric and Jan. Within six months, they had won the respect of both sets of in-laws. The process began with an open conversation between Eric and Jan and his parents in which he was the spokesman. He shared with his parents that he and Jan really wanted to have harmony over his and Jan’s choice of church and that he and Jan were willing to try to understand his parents’ concerns but also wanted to share their own perspective.

He suggested that they begin by getting a list of the basic beliefs of the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, and the community church and then compare those beliefs to see where there might or might not be genuine differences. “We really want to understand you, and we want you to understand us. We know that you love us and that you have our best interests in mind.” His parents readily accepted this invitation.

The couple had a similar conversation with Jan’s parents in which Jan was the spokeswoman. Her parents also were happy to discuss the matter.

When they actually compared the core beliefs of the three churches, all parties agreed that the basic beliefs were the same.

Eric also suggested that they would like to read a brief history of the Methodist church if his parents could secure it from their pastor. And Jan asked her parents for the same from the Presbyterian church. Both sets of parents agreed that they would like to read the history themselves. “The community church doesn’t have much of a history,” Eric said, “but we will find out how our church got started and share it with you.” What they all discovered was that the motivation for starting the community church was quite similar to that of the early followers of John Wesley, who founded the Methodist church, and the followers of John Knox, who established the Presbyterian church.

In the meantime, Eric and Jan visited the Methodist church with his parents and the Presbyterian church with her parents, and each of the parents visited the community church with them. In the process, parental fears were allayed.

Eric and Jan expressed appreciation to their parents for being willing to explore the possibility that their choice of the community church was a wise choice for them. And before long, both sets of parents agreed. Now, from time to time, they visit one another’s churches for special events. The parents have come to respect Eric and Jan’s choice in much the same way as the young couple showed respect for the parents’.

Unfortunately, not all religious differences will be solved to this level of satisfaction. But this serves as an excellent model for how to go about addressing differences. Beginning with respect will always improve situations to some degree.

Showing Respect for Privacy

I was making a quick run to the grocery store for cereal and milk. As I made my turn into the cereal aisle, I encountered Tim and Marie. I recognized them as having attended a parenting class at which I had recently spoken. After we greeted each other, Tim said, “I know this is not the place for a counseling session, but we really need help with my mom and dad. They are driving us crazy. We don’t want to hurt them, but we have got to do something.”

“So, what’s the situation?” I asked.

Marie responded, “We never know when they’ll drop in for a visit. They never bother to call and tell us they’re coming; they just show up at the door. Sometimes, it’s very inconvenient. The children may be doing their homework, or I may be involved in doing laundry. I don’t have time to sit down and talk with them, and the children need to get their homework done. The worst thing, and the reason we’re so upset today . . .” Marie looked up at Tim, and he picked up the conversation.

“Last week, we had put the children to bed early so we could have some private time together, and just when we were about to make love, the doorbell rang and my folks walked in. As you can imagine, it destroyed our romantic evening together.”

“It’s just not fair,” said Marie. “I’m beginning to resent them. I wish we had some scheduled times for them to visit when it is convenient for us.”

“Have you talked with your folks about this?” I inquired.

Tim said, “I tried to, a couple of years ago. Mom got upset and didn’t call or come by to visit for three weeks. Then all of a sudden, they showed up at our house one day as if nothing had happened. And they’ve been showing up ever since. We’ve never talked about it again.”

“How often do they drop in?” I asked.

“At least once a week,” Marie said, “and there’s no pattern to when they show up. It can be any day, any time.”

“Do you ever visit their house?” I asked.

“Yes,” Tim said, “but we always call before we go. We thought that maybe our calling might give them the idea that it would be nice if they called us before they came. But obviously, this hasn’t worked. In fact, Mom has told me, ‘You don’t have to call before you come. You can come anytime. You’re family.’ I guess we have a different idea of what it means to be family.”

“It sounds to me like the problem is lack of respect,” I said. “Your parents are not respecting your privacy as a family.”

“Exactly,” Marie replied. “But what do we do about it?”

“Well, you don’t gain respect by being disrespectful,” I said. “So, what you don’t want to do is to lose your temper and lash out at them in anger, tell them how inconsiderate they are, or inform them that you are sick and tired of their messing up your plans.”

“So far we have not done that,” Marie said, “but believe me, I have been tempted.”

“I can understand that,” I said, “but I think you can see that will only make things worse.”

“I don’t think it could get much worse,” Marie said.

“Well, let’s focus on trying to make it better,” I replied. “You must talk with your parents about the problem. The passing of time will not bring a resolution. I think you’ve seen that.”

They were both nodding and saying, “Yes.”

“I think Tim should be the spokesman because they are his parents. How you talk to them is extremely important. What if you begin by saying something like this: ‘Mom and Dad, I love you very much. I think you know that. Marie also loves you very much, and our children think you are wonderful grandparents. We want to continue to have a good relationship with you, and we want our children to enjoy you as grandparents. I know that your intentions are good, and you really love us as we love you. I want us to find a way to do this that will be good for all of us. I know that in the past you have told me that I don’t need to call when I am coming by for a visit or to pick up something from Dad’s shop. But I’ve always felt that I should respect your privacy by letting you know that I was coming. It seems to me that a phone call makes it easier for everybody. Sometimes when you show up at our house without calling, it is at a very inconvenient time. For example, last week when you came over at eight o’clock on Tuesday night, we had put the children to bed early so that we could have a romantic time together. We were in the middle of lovemaking when the doorbell rang and you walked in. I think you can see how that was not the best time for a visit.’”

Marie interrupted and said to Tim, “Do you think you can say that to your parents?”

“I think so,” Tim said. “In fact, that may be the one thing that may wake them up.”

“Then, you can throw out some possibilities of what might be done to improve the situation, such as calling before they come and asking if it is a convenient time to come. If not, then suggest a time that would be convenient. A second idea would be to set a weekly time for them to visit. For example, Thursday night could be ‘fun night with grandparents.’ This will allow you to plan ahead and make it a fun evening for everyone. Of course, you could also periodically call and invite them to come over for dinner or to help you with a project you are working on. When you initiate the call, they have the choice to come or not to come. You have opened the door and let them know that you would like to have them. What you are trying to communicate to your parents is that you want them to be very involved in your lives and the lives of your children, but you want to do it in a manner that would be pleasant for everyone.

“I think if you take this approach, you may well find that your parents will be open. They may not fully understand why you would request this, but I think they would be willing to work with you. My guess is that their intention is not to make your lives miserable. They simply want to be involved in your lives and the lives of your children. It’s just that the way they are doing it has become frustrating for you.”

“And what if they don’t pick up on these ideas and continue to show up whenever and wherever?” Marie asked.

“Then you will need to take the ‘tough love’ approach,” I said. “At that point, you will need to make an appointment with me, and we will discuss how to show ‘tough love’ to in-laws who are not willing to respect your privacy. However, I really believe that if you take this approach, affirming them for their interest in your lives and expressing appreciation for all that they are doing for you, they are likely to respond to your request.”

“Thanks,” Tim said. “I really appreciate your taking time to talk with us.”

“Let me know what happens,” I said.

“We will,” Marie said, “and I hope we don’t have to make a visit to your office.”

I nodded and reached for my Cheerios.

About six weeks later, I received a phone call from Tim. “I thought I should call and let you know how things have worked out,” he said. “I had the talk with my folks shortly after we saw you in the grocery store. Dad was very understanding. Mom said she was hurt that it had come to this; she thought that family should be able to visit each other whenever they desired. I told her I understood her thoughts, but it just wasn’t working for us. I think that after our conversation Dad must have talked to her, because a week later she seemed to be fine with the new arrangement. We established Thursday night as the night they would come for a visit. And so far, it seems to be working well. We did invite them over for dinner last Saturday night, and that also went well. I can sense a little tension with Mom, but I think she’s coming around. I really appreciate your helping us with this because it was getting to be a real problem.”

“I’m glad things are working out,” I said. “When parents and their married children show respect for each other’s privacy, it makes for healthy relationships. Let me know if I can ever help you in the future.”

“Thanks,” Tim said.

I have shared this illustration because the invasion of privacy is a common area of conflict with in-laws. Many couples wait until they are so frustrated with their in-laws that in a moment of intense anger, they lash out with harsh and condemning words and fracture the relationship. Sometimes these broken relationships stay fractured for years. But when the younger couple show respect for their parents’ and in-laws’ intentions and openly share with them their own frustrations, most of the problems can be resolved.

However, if in-laws insist they have a right to show up whenever and wherever, the couple will need to turn to the “tough love” approach, which may mean meeting the parents at the door and saying, “I’m sorry. But this is not a convenient time for you to visit. I’m in the midst of giving the children their baths, and then they must go to bed. I would love to have you visit, but right now is not a convenient time. If you like, I will call you tomorrow and suggest a time that would be convenient for all of us.”

If the in-laws walk off in a huff, that is not your responsibility. You are doing what is best for your family and ultimately what is best for your relationship with your in-laws. If, in fact, you call the next day and suggest a time when they might come by, they have two options: They can accept your invitation, and if so, the pattern of intrusion on privacy will likely have been broken. Or they can say, “No, thank you. That is not a convenient time for us,” in which case you might say, “I can understand that. Let me know when you would like to come and I will try to work it out.” If they don’t contact you for two or three weeks, don’t panic. They are still trying to process their own feelings and thoughts. Give them time. If they don’t call you, you can call them again in three weeks and give them another invitation. If they don’t accept that invitation, perhaps you will want to wait until they initiate a call.

On your part, you keep the door open to have a relationship with them. If they choose to be obstinate and accuse you of pushing them out of your lives, you will know in your heart it is not true. You are simply trying to have a relationship built on respect of privacy.

Showing Respect for Their Ideas

Jeremy’s brother-in-law suggested that now was a good time to sell his house and buy a bigger one, not only because Jeremy and Peggy were expecting a baby but because “the interest rates have never been lower. It’s a good time to sell your house and a good time to buy another.” Jeremy had not thought about moving until his brother-in-law shared the idea. As he and Peggy reflected upon the idea, they both agreed that his brother-in-law was right. They immediately started the processes of looking for a house that would meet their needs and of putting their house on the market. That was five years ago. Jeremy has often said to Peggy, “I really appreciate your brother’s encouraging us to move. This house is so much better for us than the one we had, and the payments are almost the same.”

Whatever the topic of discussion, we all have different ideas. Our ideas are based upon our history, education, vocation, and social experience. Because no one human can know everything, we often turn to others for ideas in areas of life where we have had little experience. Such openness to the ideas of others is a sign of wisdom. The Scriptures indicate that when we seek the wise counsel of others, we are far more likely to make a wise decision.89 The mature person is always looking for wisdom, even if it is spoken by a mother-in-law. When parents and in-laws make suggestions, their ideas should be given due consideration. After all, they are older and perhaps wiser than we are.

A good example of the wisdom of a father-in-law is found in Exodus 18. Moses was working from morning to evening judging the people of Israel. The waiting room was always filled, and there was no time for coffee breaks. Moses’ father-in-law said, “What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice.”90

His father-in-law then suggested that the crowds be divided into thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens and that authority be delegated to other qualified men who would judge those under their jurisdiction. Moses then would be free to spend more time with God and in teaching the people the law of God. Thus, his ministry would be more “preventive” than a “crisis” ministry. Only the difficult cases would be brought to him for judgment.91

Moses saw the wisdom of such a suggestion and adopted it. In so doing, he revealed his own maturity. He did not have to rebel against a good idea just because it came from his father-in-law. He was secure enough in his own self-worth that he could accept a good idea regardless of its source.

Respecting the ideas of your in-laws and giving those ideas reflective thought is a sign of maturity, not a sign of weakness. On the other hand, if you are the in-law who is making the suggestion or giving advice, let me encourage you to respect the freedom of those you are advising. Don’t ever seek to force your ideas upon other persons. Ideas should be shared as suggestions, not as demands. If you are receiving advice from in-laws and feel they are seeking to control your decision, then it is your responsibility to listen carefully to the suggestion; give it your best consideration and then make the decision you believe best for you and your family. If your in-laws become upset that you did not follow their idea, you can express appreciation for their being willing to share their thoughts. Let them know that you did give consideration to the idea but that you made the decision you felt was best. Respecting their ideas does not mean that you will always follow their advice. After all, the responsibility for the decision rests upon your shoulders, not upon the shoulders of your in-laws.

Showing Respect for Your In-Laws’ Peculiarities

Someone has said, “All of us are different but some of us are more different than others.” When you begin to know your spouse’s parents and siblings, you may encounter what to you are very weird behaviors. They may not be weird to your spouse because he or she has grown up with the behavior. For example, Pam found it very strange that her father-in-law spent every Saturday alone, away from the family. During hunting season, he was hunting. When he wasn’t hunting, he was fishing or golfing. He saw Saturdays as his day of recreation, which he pronounced “re-creation.” “It’s my way of recuperating from the hard week of work,” he said.

Pam felt this was unfair to his wife and children, but his wife and children seemed to accept it as normal. Pam asked her husband, Phil, “Did your father never take you fishing?”

“He did,” Phil said, “but not on Saturdays.”

“How about hunting?”

“A few times, but again, not on Saturday.”

“How about golfing?” she asked.

“No. He said golfing was a man’s sport, not for boys.”

“Did you never want to go hunting, fishing, or golfing on Saturday with your father?” Pam inquired.

“I did, but Mom told me that was his day to relax, so I spent time playing with my brother and the boys in the neighborhood.”

“Do you think your mother resented his time away every Saturday?”

“Perhaps at first,” Phil said, “but I think she came to accept it. I never heard them argue about it.”

“Well, you do know that I would never accept that in our relationship, right?”

“Yes,” Phil said. “You don’t have to worry. I want to spend time with you and the children on Saturdays. I have no desire to isolate myself in recreation.”

“Good,” said Pam, “because if you were like your father, you and I would have a major battle.”

Pam so much wanted to say to her father-in-law, “Do you know how foolish you have been over the years? Do you understand how self-centered you were? In my opinion, you were a poor model of a husband and father.” However, she was wise enough to know that if she took that condemning approach, she would make herself an enemy. She also realized that it was not her place to tell her father-in-law how to live his life. She chose to accept that as a part of him that she did not understand. If her mother-in-law had been able to accept the Saturday recreational philosophy, then she would also accept it, even though in her mind it was a very strange practice.

Little things about your in-laws can be major irritants to you. Marcy was frustrated that her brother-in-law never opened the car door for her sister. Besides that, he wore a ball cap all the time, even inside the house. Her mother had taught her and her sister that ball caps were for ball games and that any gentleman should remove his hat when he walks in a house. She saw her brother-in-law as uncouth and disrespectful of her sister. She felt sad that her sister had married a man who was so inconsiderate.

When she talked with her sister about it, her sister said, “Yes. I would prefer that my husband open doors for me and that he take his ball cap off when he enters a home. But he is such a good man and treats me so well that I don’t have the heart to make an issue of those things. In the big picture, they are rather small to me.” Having voiced her opinion and heard her sister’s response, Marcy decided to let it go. She still had her preferences, and if it were her husband, she would never accept those practices. But if it was fine with her sister, she would not wage a battle with her brother-in-law.

On a thousand fronts, we may be irritated with our in-laws. However, we must choose our battles carefully. Some things are not worth fighting over, and some things are clearly not our battles. Learning to respect the peculiarities of our in-laws is necessary if we are to have harmonious in-law relationships. In fact, if we were to fight our in-laws over every issue that strikes us as odd, we would spend the rest of our lives in battle.

In-laws were not designed to be enemies; they were designed to be friends. Showing respect for each other’s holiday traditions, religious beliefs, privacy, ideas, and peculiarities is the road to friendship.

* * *

Putting the Principles into Practice

1. What struggles do you face in the following areas?

• Respecting holiday traditions

• Respecting religious differences

• Respecting privacy

• Respecting the ideas of in-laws

• Respecting your in-laws’ peculiarities

2. Discuss with your spouse how you might improve in-law relationships by showing more respect.