5

Make Requests, Not Demands

In the last few years, we have been hearing more and more about “grandparents’ rights.” I remember one grandmother who said to me, “Our daughter will not let us see our grandchildren. We are thinking about suing her. It’s just not right that they would keep the grandchildren away from us.”

“What reasons do they give?” I inquired.

“They say it’s because we keep beer and liquor in the house. My husband, George, is an alcoholic, and they say they don’t want their children to grow up to be alcoholics. But that’s absurd. George has been an alcoholic for twenty years. I don’t drink alcohol at all, and I’ve lived with him all these years. Being around an alcoholic does not make one an alcoholic.”

“How long have they been keeping the children away from you?” I asked.

“Since last Christmas,” she said. “About nine months now.”

“Did something happen last Christmas that influenced their decision?” I asked.

“Well, one evening, George had too much to drink. He was in a jovial mood. He poured a little beer in glasses and told the children, ‘Let’s make a toast to Santa Claus.’ The kids went along with him, drank the beer, and then started gagging. My daughter and son-in-law rushed into the kitchen to find out what was going on. When they realized what he had done, they immediately took the children home and told us they would never return again. My husband cursed them as they left the house and told them how stupid they were. I know that what George did was wrong, but what they are doing is also wrong. Grandparents have rights too. I have told them that I would personally take all the alcohol out of the house and store it in the garage and would promise them that my husband would not drink while they were here. But that’s not enough for them. I don’t know what else to do; that’s why I’m thinking about suing them.”

“You could do that,” I said, “but what if you win the suit and your daughter and son-in-law are forced to let you see the children under supervised conditions? How satisfactory would that be?”

“I know what you’re saying,” she said. “That’s not really what I want. I just want to have a good relationship with my daughter, our son-in-law, and our grandchildren. And I don’t know what to do.”

“How severe is your husband’s drinking problem?” I asked.

“He has been in and out of treatment programs for twenty years,” she said. “He’ll do fine for a while, but once he falls off the wagon, he may go on a drinking binge for a month. He’s had a hard time keeping jobs. It’s been really hard to live with him, but I love him and keep hoping that things will get better. I know he feels bad about not seeing the grandchildren too. We’ve talked about it.”

As a counselor, I was deeply moved by the pain I saw in her face. I said, “Sometimes when alcoholics realize they are losing something really valuable to them, they are highly motivated to stop drinking. Do you think George would be willing to talk with me about it?”

“He might, if he thought it would help the situation,” she said.

“Then tell him that I would very much like to see him, that I have some ideas I think may be helpful.”

Over the next few weeks, I was able to get her husband enrolled in a Christian treatment program. I assured him that God would give him the power to conquer alcohol and that I believed this was a major step in restoring a relationship with his daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren. After the initial treatment program and while he was actively involved in a Christian support group, I began to talk with George about the power of apologizing to his daughter and son-in-law for his behavior last Christmas.

I told him apologies are only meaningful when they are sincere expressions of regret over our behavior. “An apology is accepting responsibility for your behavior, acknowledging that it was wrong, and requesting forgiveness. An apology is not a demand for forgiveness,” I said. “It is a request for forgiveness. Your daughter and son-in-law may not be ready to forgive you, but your request will be the first step.”

Together we crafted a carefully worded apology with which he felt comfortable. I asked if he would give me permission to call his daughter and son-in-law and invite them to my office so we could talk with them together about what was going on in his life. He agreed, and they accepted my invitation.

In that meeting, I shared with the young couple my involvement with the wife’s father in trying to help him deal with his alcohol problem. I told them that I knew he had tried to quit drinking many times through the years but I believed that this time he had truly put his trust in God and he was going to be successful. Then I gave George an opportunity to talk.

I listened as he not only shared the apology we had written but, with tears, poured out his heart. He apologized for his past failures to his daughter when she was growing up, acknowledging that he knew that he had embarrassed her many times while she was in high school, that he had failed to be the father she deserved, and that he knew that what he had done last Christmas was the most painful thing he had ever done to her. He told her how many times he had relived that scene in his mind and how bad he felt about it.

“I know I don’t deserve forgiveness,” he said, “but I’m asking for it. I’m not asking you to let me see the children, though I would very much like to apologize to them. I’m looking forward to my first sober Christmas in twenty years. I know that you may not be there, though I wish you would be. I would like an opportunity to make the future different. And I would like to be the kind of father that you can trust. I love you very much, and I am so sorry for what I’ve done to hurt you.”

His daughter showed no signs of emotion. I assumed that she had heard apologies in the past but had never seen changed behavior. My guess was she questioned whether this was sincere and whether things would be different in the future.

Eventually, she said to him, “Dad, I want to forgive you. But it may take some time. I’ve been hurt so badly. I want to believe that what you are saying is true, and I guess the next few months will show me. I hope you understand that as much as I want to forgive you, it will take me a little time.”

“I understand,” her father said. “I appreciate your meeting with us today because I so much wanted to apologize to you.”

The conversation ended. I offered my services to the young couple if they should ever want to talk with me further. And I told George that I would see him next week.

I never saw the young couple again, but George and his wife informed me that within a month their daughter had given her father an opportunity to apologize to the children and that the children had freely expressed forgiveness to him. After seeing the children’s response, the daughter also expressed forgiveness to George. When Christmas rolled around, the daughter had given no indication that they would bring the children. But a week before Christmas, the children asked her if they could go see their grandparents at Christmas, and the mother agreed.

At first, it was a little strained since the children had not been in their grandparents’ home for a year. But before the evening was over, laughter again filled the house.

As the children were leaving, George said, “I just want to thank everybody for being here. This has been the best Christmas of my life. It’s been a hard year for all of us, but it has been a year of tremendous change in my life. I want to be the kind of grandfather you children deserve. And I hope you will pray for me every day because I pray for you.”

When George and his wife shared the Christmas story with me, I knew that evening marked the beginning of a new quality of relationship. And the timing reminded me that the healing of relationships is what Christmas is all about.

I share this story because it illustrates that positive in-law relationships are not built upon demands, but upon requests. Had the grandparents tried to demand their “rights” by legally forcing their daughter and son-in-law to let them see the grandchildren, it would likely have led to a lifetime of estrangement. But because they were willing to humble themselves, acknowledge their part in the broken relationship, follow the road of genuine change, honestly deal with the problem, and then request forgiveness, they found the healing desired. Good in-law relationships cannot be built on the principle of demanding our rights. The Scriptures say, “[Love] does not demand its own way.”92

This principle is illustrated in the life of Jesus. On one occasion, after Jesus had been teaching some rather difficult things, the Scriptures tell us, “At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’ Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.’”93

Clearly Jesus was not demanding that the twelve disciples continue to walk with him. He had invited them in the beginning to follow him. Now on this occasion, he gave them the freedom to walk away. In fact, we know that one of the twelve did eventually walk away. But at this time, Peter spoke for the others when he said, “You have the words that give eternal life.” They followed Jesus because they were convinced that he was “the Holy One of God.”

In-law relationships must follow this model. We cannot force our in-laws to do what we believe to be “the right thing.” We can and should make requests of them. If we have desires, these desires should be verbalized. If you wish your in-laws would visit more often, invite them to come more often. If you wish that they would come less often, then request that they come only on those occasions when you have time to spend with them. We must never expect our in-laws to read our minds. Making requests is a part of any good relationship.

Jesus taught that this principle of “making requests” applies also in our relationship with God. He said, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for . . . for everyone who asks, receives.” Then he moved to the human plane. “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”94

Does this mean that God always gives us exactly what we ask? The obvious answer is no. He loves us too much to give us things that he knows will be detrimental to our well-being. But as our heavenly Father, he freely gives us good gifts in response to our requests.

Will your in-laws always respond to your request in exactly the way you desire? Probably not. Nor will their response always be based on love. All of us have a tendency to be self-centered. Many times we respond to others’ requests in a very selfish way. However, making requests of in-laws is an important part of building positive relationships.

Ben, who was a novice fisherman, asked his father-in-law if he could borrow certain fishing gear. His father-in-law replied, “I can’t let you borrow that one, but I’d be happy to loan you this one.” Ben didn’t know the difference between the two; his father-in-law did, and he didn’t want to run the risk of losing a $600 piece of gear to an inexperienced fisherman.

Had Ben become angry with his father-in-law because he would not loan exactly what he had requested, their relationship would have been fractured. Instead, he gladly accepted his father-in-law’s offer and had a good day fishing. People are responsible for their possessions. They choose to lend or not to lend, to give or not to give. The wise in-law will not get upset when a particular request is denied but will be grateful when a request is granted or a substitute offer is made.

It is often in making requests that in-law relationships are strengthened. Brittany asked her mother-in-law, Margie, if she would teach her to knit. Margie’s response was, “I can’t imagine that a girl of your generation would like to learn to knit. But if you would, then I would be happy to teach you.”

Brittany assured her that she was sincere. Over the next several months, not only did Brittany learn to knit, but she and her mother-in-law developed a close relationship as a unique skill was passed from one generation to the next. When they took tea breaks, Brittany learned much about her mother-in-law, including the fact that it was Margie’s own mother-in-law who had taught her to knit. Without knowing it, Brittany was continuing a family tradition.

In time Margie, who was a gregarious, always-happy kind of person, shared with Brittany some of her health struggles through the years. Later, when Margie was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was Brittany with whom she shared the news first. And it was Brittany who was her greatest emotional support through the months of chemotherapy and recovery. And it all began with a request: “Would you teach me how to knit?”

The Scriptures say, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”95 When you make a request of your in-laws, you are giving them an opportunity. In responding to your request, they find greater happiness than you find in receiving what you have requested.

Requesting and giving are a part of the normal cycle of good relationships. From time to time all of us need or desire certain things that another has the capacity to fulfill. If we share these desires in the form of a request and the other person chooses to respond positively, we are forging a relationship that will be strong through the years. Conversely, when we make demands upon our in-laws, telling them what they should do and making them feel guilty when they don’t do what we are demanding, we destroy a relationship. Good relationships are fostered by requesting and giving, not by demanding.

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. What demands have your in-laws made of you? How did you respond?

2. What demands have you made of your in-laws? How did they respond?

3. What requests would you like to make of your in-laws? Consider making your request after expressing appreciation to your in-laws for something you admire about them.

4. What requests have your in-laws made of you? Consider responding with love to a request your in-laws have made.