7

Above All, Love

The ultimate key that unlocks the door to becoming friends with your in-laws is an attitude of love. By nature, we are all egocentric: We think the world revolves around us. The positive side of self-centeredness is that we take care of our needs—we protect and nurture ourselves. However, once our basic needs are met, we must learn to reach out to help others. This is the attitude of love.

The happiest people in the world are altruistic givers, not self-centered hoarders. Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”96 If you apply this reality to your in-laws, you will seek to enhance their lives. “What can I do to help you?” is always an appropriate question. Their answer will teach you how to express love in a way that is meaningful to your in-laws.

One mother-in-law asked this question of her daughter-in-law and received this response: “If you could teach me to cook green beans the way you cook them, I think it would greatly improve my marriage.” She did, and it did!

It was asking the question “What can I do to help you?” that stimulated the daughter-in-law’s memory of her husband’s comments on how much he liked his mother’s green beans. Since her mother-in-law was offering to help, she could make her request without embarrassment. If you want to help your in-laws, it is always better to find out what they would consider helpful rather than using your own judgment. The latter may be seen as imposition, whereas the former will be seen as an act of love.

Imagine what would happen in your in-law relationships if you began asking, “What can I do to help you?” You may find that other family members will follow your model. When families learn to love each other and express it in meaningful ways, the emotional climate is enhanced.

One young woman raised this question: “But what if my in-laws mistreat me? How can I love them when I resent them?” It is interesting that Jesus instructed us to love even our enemies,97 and unfortunately, sometimes our in-laws qualify as enemies. When we are filled with hurt, disappointment, anger, or resentment, it is difficult to express love. But difficult is not impossible. With God’s help, we can love even our enemies.

The process involves admitting your feelings but not serving your feelings. You admit them to yourself, to God, and perhaps to your spouse. But you refuse to serve negative feelings. To God, you are saying, “Lord, you know how I feel about my in-laws. You know what they’ve done, and you know how hurt I am. But I know it is your will for me to love them. So, I’m asking that you pour your love into my heart and let me be your channel of expressing love.” God will give you the ability to ask your in-laws, “What can I do to help you?” Then in response to their answer, you can express love in a meaningful way.

Remember, love is not a feeling. Love is an attitude, a way of thinking, and a way of behaving. Love is the attitude that says, “I choose to look out for your interests. How may I help you?” A loving attitude leads to loving behavior.

The reality is that love tends to stimulate love. In fact, the Scriptures say that we love God because he first loved us.98 It is his love that stimulates love in us. The same principle is true in human relationships. When I reach out to express love to my in-laws, something happens inside of them and they are likely to reciprocate. And when they reach out and express interest in my well-being, my emotions toward them begin to change.

Kevin is a good example of this principle. He shared his story with me while attending one of my marriage seminars. It seems that Kevin’s father-in-law was not at all happy when Kevin married his daughter. Kevin was a plumber; his father-in-law was an attorney and had hoped that his daughter would marry an attorney or a physician. His father-in-law managed to be civil during the wedding festivities. But Kevin knew in his heart that his father-in-law was not happy.

About six months after the wedding, Kevin’s father-in-law woke up one morning to find his front yard flooded with water from a leaking pipe. His wife encouraged him to call Kevin, so he did. “When I got there,” Kevin said, “his yard looked like a rice paddy. There was water everywhere. I knew that somewhere in the line from the street to the house, there was a major leak. I turned the water off at the street and called my wife, Janet. I had promised to go shopping with her that morning, and I wanted her to know the situation. She assured me that she would rather I fix the leak for her parents. She invited the three of us to come to our house for a quick breakfast. ‘Good,’ I said. ‘That will give time for some of this water to subside.’ After breakfast, I went back and spent the next four hours locating and fixing the leak. When my father-in-law insisted on paying me for my work, I refused. I told him, ‘That’s what family is all about.’ He was deeply appreciative.”

At that point, Janet broke into the conversation and said, “Since that day, my father has never complained about Kevin. In fact, he recommends him to all his friends. ‘He’s the best plumber in town,’ he says. ‘You can’t go wrong with Kevin.’ I think my father finally realized that in today’s world, plumbers are fully as important as attorneys and physicians. In fact, sometimes you can’t live without them. As I see it, character is always more important than vocation. I think my dad would agree.”

Kevin’s act of love using the skills he possessed to help his in-laws stimulated a positive emotional response. Since that day, their relationship has continued to grow. Genuine love is seldom rejected, but someone must take the initiative to love.

In making love practical, two words stand out in my mind: kindness and patience. In the great “love chapter” in the New Testament, we read that love is kind and love is patient.99

Love Is Kind

Let me reflect first on kindness, which has to do with the manner in which we speak to people and the way we treat them. One of the ancient Hebrew proverbs says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”100

We make in-law relationships better or worse depending on how we speak to our in-laws. Loud, harsh words make things worse. Gentle, soft words make things better. When you express your anger at your in-laws by screaming at them, you are not loving them. Love is kind. When you listen empathetically and then share your thoughts in a calm and soft voice, you are expressing love even though you may be disagreeing with them. In speaking to them kindly, you are showing respect for them.

If in the past you have been quick to lose your temper and lash out with harsh, loud words to your in-laws, I urge you to apologize. You have created emotional barriers that will not be removed simply with the passing of time. Apologizing is the first step in changing your pattern of speech from harshness to kindness. In your future conversations, begin to monitor and change your pattern of speech. When you sense that you are getting angry, take a “time-out” to cool off. Then come back and, with conscious effort, speak softly to the person with whom you are angry, perhaps speaking as softly as a whisper. In the early stages of changing negative speech patterns, we must often exaggerate the change. When you learn to speak softly, you have taken the first step in learning to speak kindly.

Once you learn to speak softly, you are free to focus on affirming the intentions of your in-laws, even if you disagree with their ideas. “I can see how you would feel that way, and if I were in your shoes, I would probably feel the same. However, let me share what I was thinking and see if it makes sense to you.” With such statements, you are applying the principles for deepening in-law relationships we have talked about in this part of the book. You are, in fact, learning to express love with kind speech.

Kindness is also expressed in the way we treat people. Kevin did a kind thing when he repaired his father-in-law’s water leak without charge. Random acts of kindness enhance in-law relationships. However, kindness goes beyond simply performing acts of kindness. It also seeks to treat in-laws with courtesy.

Families have different ideas about what is considered common courtesy. Some families think it is discourteous to wear a ball cap inside the house. Some families think it is courteous to stand when a female enters the room. Some families believe that a man should always open a door for a woman. Then there are table manners. Some families believe it is discourteous to talk with food in your mouth and that courtesy requires the husband to seat his wife first before seating himself. Courtesy may be putting your napkin on your lap and saying “Would you please pass the potatoes?” Every family has its own set of “common courtesies.” Becoming aware of these common courtesies and practicing them when you are with your in-laws enhances relationships.

Your spouse is the best source of discovering and understanding the common courtesies of his/her family. Take time to discover what your in-laws consider to be courteous behavior. Write them down as a way of reminding yourself, and seek to practice these courtesies. You will be taking positive steps toward becoming friends with your in-laws.

Love Is Patient

The second key in loving in-laws is patience. You’ve heard the cliché “Rome was not built in a day.” This is true in relationships, as well. Patience must become a way of life. We cannot expect all our differences to be resolved overnight or with one conversation. It takes time and diligence to understand another’s point of view and to negotiate answers to our differences. It is both a lifelong process and the heart and soul of relationships. We cannot build positive relationships without being diligent in the process of communicating thoughts and feelings, seeking understanding, affirming each other, and finding workable solutions.

Don’t expect perfection of yourself or your in-laws. On the other hand, don’t settle for anything less than a loving relationship. We must make room for momentary relapses. None of us change quickly and we often revert to old patterns. Failures call for apologies, and apologies call for forgiveness. When we are willing to admit our failures and request forgiveness, it will likely be extended, and our relationships can continue on a positive track. Love is the greatest force in the world for good. Kindness and patience are two of the most important aspects of love. Learn to develop these traits and you will learn how to become friends with your in-laws.

* * *

Putting the Principles into Practice

1. Look for an opportunity to ask an in-law, “What can I do to help you?”

2. Can you remember a time when you spoke unkindly to an in-law? Have you apologized? If not, why not?

3. What acts of kindness have you done for your in-laws in the past month? What could you plan to do this month?

4. What “common courtesies” do you need to extend in order to enhance in-law relationships?

* * *

Closing Thoughts on In-Law Relationships

Positive in-law relationships are one of life’s greatest assets. Living in harmony, encouraging and supporting each other in our individual pursuits, helps all of us reach our potential for God and good in the world. On the other hand, troublesome in-law relationships can be a source of deep emotional pain. When in-laws resent each other, hurt each other, or withdraw from each other, they have joined the ranks of dysfunctional families.

The seven principles I have shared with you in part six have helped hundreds of couples develop positive in-law relationships. I hope that you will not be satisfied simply to have read this part of the book. My deep desire is that you will earnestly seek to weave these principles into the fabric of your daily life. It will take time and effort, but the rewards will last for a lifetime.

Enhancing relationships is indeed a worthy endeavor. When you enhance in-law relationships, you are making life more pleasant for your children and your grandchildren. It is my sincere desire that this book will help you learn to listen, show respect, make requests, grant freedom, speak for yourself, seek to negotiate, and above all—love your in-laws. If you practice these principles, I can guarantee that your in-law relationships will be strengthened. You may even genuinely become friends with your in-laws.

If you find these principles helpful, I hope you will share them with your friends. They, too, are likely struggling with in-law relationships. I believe the principles shared in this book could help thousands of couples develop positive in-law relationships. If this happens, I will be greatly pleased. If you have stories to share with me, I invite you to click on the Contact link at www.garychapman.org.

Some Ideas Worth Remembering

• The purpose of listening is to discover what is going on inside the minds and emotions of other people. If we understand why people do what they do, we can have more appropriate responses.

• Relationships are built by seeking understanding. They are destroyed by interruptions and arguments.

• Affirming statements do not mean that you necessarily agree with what your in-laws have said. It does mean that you listened long enough to see the world through their eyes and to understand that, in their minds, what they are doing makes good sense. You are affirming their humanity, the right to think and feel differently from other people.

• Respect leads me to give my in-laws the same freedom that God allows me and all humans—the freedom to be different. Therefore, I will not seek to impose my will upon my in-laws. Rather, when I find myself at odds with them, I will look for a solution that will show respect for our differences.

• Religious differences often become divisive in the marriage. They can also create barriers to wholesome in-law relationships.

• The invasion of privacy is a common area of conflict with in-laws. But when the younger couple show respect for their parents’ and in-laws’ intentions and openly share with them their own frustrations, most of the problems can be resolved.

• The mature person is always looking for wisdom, even if it is spoken by a mother-in-law. When parents and in-laws make suggestions, their ideas should be given due consideration. After all, they are older and perhaps wiser than we are.

• Learning to respect the peculiarities of our in-laws is necessary if we are to have harmonious in-law relationships. In fact, if we were to fight our in-laws over every issue that we consider to be weird, quirky, or wrong, we would spend the rest of our lives in battle.

• When we begin a sentence with you, we are speaking as though we have ultimate knowledge of the situation. In reality, we are giving only our perception. Such statements come across as condemning and will likely stimulate a defensive response from your in-laws.

• When you speak for yourself, you are making valid statements. You are revealing your thoughts, feelings, desires, and perceptions. “I think . . .” “I feel . . .” “I wish . . .” “My perception is . . .” All these statements are valid because they are revealing what is going on inside you. You are speaking for yourself.

• To negotiate is to discuss an issue in order to reach an agreement. Negotiation is the opposite of withdrawal and resentment. When we negotiate, we are choosing to believe that there is an answer, and with God’s help, we will find it.

• We cannot force our in-laws to do what we believe to be “the right thing.” We can and should make requests of them. If we have desires, these desires should be verbalized.

• The greatest gift that parents can give their married children is the gift of freedom.

• Love is not a feeling. Love is an attitude, a way of thinking, and a way of behaving. Love is the attitude that says, “I choose to look out for your interests. How may I help you?” A loving attitude leads to loving behavior.

• We make in-law relationships better or worse depending on how we speak to our in-laws. Loud, harsh words make things worse. Gentle, soft words make things better.

• We cannot expect all our differences to be resolved overnight or with one conversation. It takes time and diligence to understand another’s point of view and to negotiate answers to our differences. It is both a lifelong process and the heart and soul of relationships.